This is my journal entry (i couldn't link it because i had to do the "show all posts" thing and i have over 170 and couldn't so copied and pasted it, havening draeds taught me alot and seeing as this thread is about dreadies i thought i would share if anyone has the time and interest to read it
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I am finally over the loss of my dreadlocks
I'll tell you the story about my dreads girls and boys...
From my first doof i was just amazed by the whole scene, it totally sucked me in, the music, the art, the people, the whole vibe of the parties, what they stood for, where they were and just EVERYTHING about them. I had never felt so comfortable in a scene before ever and felt totally invited to be me and to live life to the full. Forget about fashion and material shit and realised there were so many other things in life to be worried about and concentrating on.
From my second doof i "understood and needed dreadlocks" hehehe a stupid as that sounds (well i was on my 1st acid trip too so that could have had something to do with it)
Alot of people at doofs have dreads. I have always loved dreads and always wanted them but wasnt confident enough to really get them myself because having dreads does come with alot of stigmas, people do look at you and treat you in a different way and it's something that you have to deal with. It's all part of having them i guess.
Doofs brought ME out however though so from my 2nd doof i started knotting up my hair and making dreads, big phat bright red ones and i was soooooo obsessed with them it just wasnt funny. They were "personality art" to me and it was me being who i am and basically saying to the world "this is me and if i want to have big knots in my hair so be it...if you cant handle it then thats your problem" and blah blah blah
It was me finally being creative with who i was (at this time my fashion sense started changing too. I didn't care for what was in style anymore but rather started wearing what *I* liked, so many clothes of mine were pulled out of the wardrobe, pieces that i had bought with gorgeous patterns and made from beautiful materials etc but i just never wore them because they weren't "in style" I was never a total fashion victim however though. I was always concise of what was in fashion but always had my own style to a point.
Anyway...i had my dreads for 9 mths total and like i said i was completly obssessed with them. Seperating them and dying them and waxing them and fixing them up so they looked perfect and what not to me.
Then one doof i was coming down really really badly from liquid acid where i started feeling paranoid that everyone there was laughing at me and my clothes, they were all whispering that i smelt and that i didnt belong there and just realy horrible insecure thoughts were going through my head that no one there was really my true friend and people just "put up with me" i actually broke down and cried to one of my friends who i know is a good mate to me and she calmed me down a little, told me it was just the rugs etc etc and i would feel better once i was at home.
I got home and had a shower, washed my dreads and just couldnt sleep (cos of the acid i guess) but my dreads were really anoying me too. They were always so uncomfortable to have, especially over summer (which was the main part of when i had them) it was like the dreads were trying to tell me something, (fuck i really eat too much acid )
I was looking in the mirror and i had all these thoughts in my head saying
"you dont desrve them"
"you didnt earn them"
"your not a true hippy"
stupid stupid acid thoughts really
so i went and got the scissors and thought i would just cut a few of them off .....one gone....two gone...three gone and before i knew it they were in a pile on my bathroom floor and i looked like a lesbian in cancer remission
I cried and cried for days and days over my dreads, i felt so naked and scared and didnt want to go outside and i was a mess, the thing is though TOO much of my personality was wrapped up in them. I keapt finding all these excuses to justify having them and basically i dont think i was maent to or ready to have dreads and what came with having them.
I know it sounds crazy and weird and anyone without dreads will be reading thinking i'm cmpletely bonkers (well i am ) but anyone with dreads i'm sure knows at least partly what i'm talking about.
i cut them off a week before i went and saw Infected Mushroom which was a good few months ago, my hair has grown quite alot and i have it dyed red and black and cut into this kinda pixie style, i really like it and everyone says it suits me much better then the dreads, my hair doesnt itch anymore and doesnt annoy me and i feel freer to be me actaully...tis quite funny.
The thing i thought i got dreads to me more expressive of who i was but i was in denial of why i had them. once i cut them off i realised that i had them because all my life i never felt accepted or that i belonged anywhere and once i stumbled onto the doof scene i found "home" It was wasnt me saying "look at me...im me" it was me saying "look what i'm willing to do to my hair to belong....let me be a part of this group"
I came to the conclusion that whatever hairstyle i have i will always be me and that i dont need to prove anything to anyone about wh i am and to be part of any scene. with or without dreads im a proud DOOFER
I still love dreads however and always appreciate other peoples, i would maybe like them back one day but i dount i will, i have learnt what i could from them, they taught me a valuable lesson about myself and my place in the world
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^^ having said all that though i am growing dreads again. all diferent reasons now and all a part of my spiritual 'self' journey
