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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Don't know what to do... Am I sick?

n3ophy7e said:
Dude, please relax. The only thing creating this panic is YOU. Not the prospect of cancer, not the mention of "something", YOU. YOU are creating this panic. You are in control of how you react to everything. You're only creating this horrible feeling inside on your own. No-one else is doing this to you. So please, just take a breath, and relax <3

Doctors are legally obliged to mention cancer if something abnormal shows up in tests, so it's still highly likely that it's nothing.

EVEN IF it's cancer, that doesn't mean instant death. I personally know MANY cancer survivors, including prostate and testicular cancers, and including my younger brother (25 years old) who just had a massive brain tumour (8 cubic centimetres/3 cubic inches) removed and he is recovering so well.

Please just relax about it. You're not dying. You're only telling yourself that you're dying, and that is making you feel like shit, isn't it?? So......stop telling yourself you're dying.

Take care, and let us know how you go <3
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Yes. I'M creating this panic. Wouldn't you?
I know some people survive, IF the cancer hasn't spread. I'm pretty sure mine have. I went three months before seeing a doctor, thinking it was "nothing". Plenty of time for the ol' cancer to spread to my prostate, bladder, colon and godknowswhat.
I mean, it's fucking hilarious.

I keep thinking: If I live I'm REALLY gonna start living - no more moaning of depression and anxiety, no more procrastinating - I'm gonna start to do the work. Get started.
But... It's probably too late.

The irony is, another one, is that I get so depressed thinking I'm gonna die that I WANT to die... A complete circle.

IF I survive I'm gonna live. Gonna finish my short story collection. Propose. Move in. Get a job. Enjoy life. Spend more time with friends.
Surviving could be the cure to all my worries...
Which makes dying even worse.

"Cancer. Rhymes with 'dancer' and 'you just shit your pants, sir'." (S.K. Thinner)
 
And what I feared has happened: The possibility of cancer diagnosis has created all kinds of symptoms.
It doesn't make sense I should start getting sick AFTER being told, but I am. Nausea, stomach pain, head ache, diarrhea, fatigue, etc, etc.
It will probably get worse as well.
Because even though it's most likely mental, I know it will increase because I especially have an almost uncanny ability to manifest symptoms and pain. Which means that when I DO get the "bad news" the symptoms will be off the chart. Probably kill me alone.

I know, I know. I'm being negative.

Calcium. What else can it be but cancer?
Why did he mention that and ONLY that?
"A few weeks" is a million years when waiting for such news. And to have someone poke a needle into your scrotum - without local anesthesia, I know because I've had it done before - and the pain that goes with it, only to disappear and appear again in slow motion, me analyzing their face as they make their slow approach to my bed... Having a bored and insensitive doctor - a stranger - tell me that I have "it"...

I know... could be nothing AND it could be cured. But THAT is exactly what I would say too, exactly what you should say... I mean, you don't say "Oh... cancer? You're gonna die then, s'pose."

No one in my family has ANY past with cancer. I'll be the first, then. Lucky me.
 
Please...
I need help, I need somebody to say something. My parents, my S.O., just say "you don't have cancer, everything is gonna be fine". But it's clearly not. I might have CANCER. I.e. I might die, soon. I might already be very sick.


And I have to wait maybe two weeks before they'll test me. If I was a president or great actor, I would have gotten to see a specialist the same day. Instead, the cancer is, could be, spreading further. I might have to remove BOTH testicles. What kind of life is that?
Chemo... Hair-loss and nausea...

I'm going crazy. I'm falling apart every minute. Crying, laughing, rocking back and forth. I'll never see 27... Tell me what to do.
 
I don't understand. Does it not matter? Nobody cares I might die? It's more important to tell a 14 year old how to dose meth or a tell a teenage girl to hide red eyes for her dad?...
The cancer could be spreading as we speak...
 
hope you're having a good day.
I think talking to a professional in real life and/or klonopin
for two weeks.
dont freak out.
you're not alone.
 
You're winding yourself up over this. The more you think of all possible scenarios, the more you'll convince yourself that you are dealing with the worst. It's why it's a bad idea to self diagnose anything, because you'll talk yourself into having something and create psychosomatic symptoms.

The possible reason you haven't gotten replies is you're going in circles. Firstly, no one here can diagnose you. Secondly, you're just making it worse for yourself. There's absolutely nothing you can do until you get tested.

AnrBjotk said:
It's more important to tell a 14 year old how to dose meth or a tell a teenage girl to hide red eyes for her dad?...
The cancer could be spreading as we speak...
Click to expand...

These are things we can do something about, your case is not. Doesn't mean we think any less of you.
 
Black Rabbit of Inlè said:
You're winding yourself up over this. The more you think of all possible scenarios, the more you'll convince yourself that you are dealing with the worst. It's why it's a bad idea to self diagnose anything, because you'll talk yourself into having something and create psychosomatic symptoms.

The possible reason you haven't gotten replies is you're going in circles. Firstly, no one here can diagnose you. Secondly, you're just making it worse for yourself. There's absolutely nothing you can do until you get tested.



These are things we can do something about, your case is not. Doesn't mean we think any less of you.
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Exactly. Nothing can be done. THAT'S the problem.

I guess people dont want to think about it, nor do I, but it's harder for me to ignore.
I used to trust doctors, but now... How do they know the cancer wont spread while I'm waiting for the test? How can they tell me not to worry. OR, how can I believe them when they tell me not to worry? Of course they'll tell me that. They cant be honest.
The doc just brushed it off. "Oh, they'll just remove the testicle. If it's spread, some chemo." No big deal, huh?
My ass.

And yes, I am getting new psycho-somatic symptoms. Every symptom I've read online, I know have. Pain, stomach ache, constipation...

Sorry. I AM being unreasonable. I just need... something. Comfort. I just need hope.
 
AnrBjotk said:
Sorry. I AM being unreasonable. I just need... something. Comfort. I just need hope.
Click to expand...

But that's the thing, no amount of comforting will satisfy you... like you said:

How can they tell me not to worry. OR, how can I believe them when they tell me not to worry? Of course they'll tell me that. They cant be honest.
Click to expand...

Even though this was aimed at your doctors, it will be the same for anyone who tried to console you. I know from experience.
 
Black Rabbit of Inlè said:
But that's the thing, no amount of comforting will satisfy you... like you said:



Even though this was aimed at your doctors, it will be the same for anyone who tried to console you. I know from experience.
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So what do you suggest? Ignore it? Repress?
The weird part is, I can't even wrap my mind around it. Just this absurd haze that comes and goes.
This can't be happening...
I thought the pain was something... then I made an appointment which made me think it was nothing. The ultrasound made me think it was something, but by the time I went I thought it was nothing. Then it was something.
I thought it was something. Then.. I thought it probably is nothing, which means it something.
Circles.
 
AnrBjotk we are all here for you, but it's hard to keep trying to console you if you're not willing to listen to the caring and thoughtful things we have to say.

Please just try to relax and forget about it until you see the doctor again. I know that's hard to do, try going out and socialising with friends and family in the meantime. Do anything to try and take your mind off it. There's nothing you can do about it until you hear from the doctor so there's no point in literally making yourself sick with worry.

Relax <3
 
thedawn said:
what about listening to your favorite music?
and do just that.
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I can't listen to so many of my favourite songs anymore, they're all about death and dying. And I choke up thinking how each song has meaning, a new meaning, and brings back too many good (now bitter-sweet) memories.
I keep listening to Allen Ginsberg Father Death Blues.

Hey Father Death, I'm flying home
Hey poor man, you're all alone
Hey old daddy, I know where I'm going

Father Death, Don't cry any more
Mama's there, underneath the floor
Brother Death, please mind the store

Old Aunty Death Don't hide your bones
Old Uncle Death I hear your groans
O Sister Death how sweet your moans

O Children Deaths go breathe your breaths
Sobbing breasts'll ease your Deaths
Pain is gone, tears take the rest

Genius Death your art is done
Lover Death your body's gone
Father Death I'm coming home

Guru Death your words are true
Teacher Death I do thank you
For inspiring me to sing this Blues

Buddha Death, I wake with you
Dharma Death, your mind is new
Sangha Death, we'll work it through

Suffering is what was born
Ignorance made me forlorn
Tearful truths I cannot scorn

Father Breath once more farewell
Birth you gave was no thing ill
My heart is still, as time will tell.

Father Breath once more farewell
Birth you gave was no thing ill
My heart is still, as time will tell.
Click to expand...

n3ophy7e said:
AnrBjotk we are all here for you, but it's hard to keep trying to console you if you're not willing to listen to the caring and thoughtful things we have to say.

Please just try to relax and forget about it until you see the doctor again. I know that's hard to do, try going out and socialising with friends and family in the meantime. Do anything to try and take your mind off it. There's nothing you can do about it until you hear from the doctor so there's no point in literally making yourself sick with worry.

Relax <3
Click to expand...

I know... I know... It's just hard to just let go and not think about It. Does anything else besides it matter? You can't comfort the dying - all the comfort is inevitable related to living. "Remember this..." or "You could always..." or "It will pass...". Love ache, depression, trauma, loss, all these things pass because there is time ahead. There is time to heal.
But when the problem is the possibility of no time...

I pray every day. I swear that if this goes fine, if I can live, I'll make the most of it. No more depression, no more drug use. I'll cherish every second. That's a promise.
Which stage is that? Denial? Bartering?

Re-reading Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Maybe getting ahead of myself, but...

"I'm not Ok. And you're not OK. And that's OK."
 
So what do you suggest? Ignore it? Repress?
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I can't suggest anything. I'm going through a similar thing atm, although I already have my diagnosis. I'm at just as much of a loss as you are.

AnrBjotk said:
I pray every day. I swear that if this goes fine, if I can live, I'll make the most of it. No more depression, no more drug use. I'll cherish every second. That's a promise.
Which stage is that? Denial? Bartering?
Click to expand...

Most definitely bargaining stage and your earlier post was a prime example of passing through the anger stage.
 
Black Rabbit of Inlè said:
I can't suggest anything. I'm going through a similar thing atm, although I already have my diagnosis. I'm at just as much of a loss as you are.



Most definitely bargaining stage and your earlier post was a prime example of passing through the anger stage.
Click to expand...

Could you tell me about it? What is happening? What kind? What prospects?
You might already have a thread about it, but still...
Is it anymore "real" after the diagnosis?
 
AnrBjotk said:
I know... I know... It's just hard to just let go and not think about It. Does anything else besides it matter? You can't comfort the dying - all the comfort is inevitable related to living. "Remember this..." or "You could always..." or "It will pass...". Love ache, depression, trauma, loss, all these things pass because there is time ahead. There is time to heal.
But when the problem is the possibility of no time...

I pray every day. I swear that if this goes fine, if I can live, I'll make the most of it. No more depression, no more drug use. I'll cherish every second. That's a promise.
Which stage is that? Denial? Bartering?
Click to expand...
Please listen to some Alan Watts <3 His outlook on life and death and our place in the Universe is SO helpful when facing challenging obstacles. Please listen. Not just this recording, but please listen to other recordings of his.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8aZSRUV_sM
 
n3ophy7e said:
Please listen to some Alan Watts <3 His outlook on life and death and our place in the Universe is SO helpful when facing challenging obstacles. Please listen. Not just this recording, but please listen to other recordings of his.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8aZSRUV_sM
Click to expand...

I have probably listened to every single available lecture by Alan Watts three or four times.
And I have read "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying."
And Jack Kornfield.
And Elizabeth Kübler-Ross.
Since I was 15 I came to terms with death. Like Trungpa I agree that death is nothing to be afraid of. Either we go "somwhere" or we simply cease to be. No consciousness.
We might transcend to another life, but will not have any recollection of our past lives, so it does not matter. Same with after life. Maybe we DO join God-head, but we shed our egos before, so no experience.
Like Trungpa, I understood that we should neither fear death nor desire it. If we live, we live. If not, we simply disappear.
To dress us in suits in fine linen coffins is ridiculous, we are not going to a party.

I understood at 15 that most people do not comprehend death. We speak of death the same way we speak of paralysis. We talk as if death is just being disabled - as if we were still alive but confined to a coffin. We say "all the things he has missed" "all the things he can never do."
But that is missing the point.
A dead person does not sigh in bitterness of the things s/he cannot now do - like a paralyzed man sighs at people playing fotball - the dead do not experience death.
If you were killed by a gun shot to the back of the head, you would not suffer. A blink of an eye and it would be over. No nothing.
Suffering is knowing.

So yes, I understand death in the Alan Watts-sense on a cerebral level. "It's ok." Somehow we will link to Godhead, spiritually or just biologically, in a pantheistic sense. But, what hurts, is the loss of the... mortal soul. What hurts, the bitter sweet hurt, is that all the pain, all the anxiety, all the suffering, suddenly seems divine, heavenly, and worth it all.
I WANT the clutter, the mess, the pain, the suffering. I want constant total pain, rather than nothingness.
 
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