Done it again - accidentally (Etizolam)

[Hardcoreprawn]

Well, I first came on here with a stim scare. I thought I had a stimulant addiction. Well nope!

I'd been taking 0.5mg - 1mg etizolam for the last 4 weeks. Self-medicating from a depressive episode due to work. Somedays I didn't take them at all and only ever at night . Yet now I am definitely experiencing dependence withdrawal even if I haven't withdrawn.

It just happened. Now I feel like a compete fucking idiot. Made an appt with the doc this morning though I dont know how I will get the words out to tell her. I couldnt get my regular doctor who I trust.

Im actually scared for my physical and mental health the second time in my life in less than 2 months. This time the withdrawal (off therapeutic doses I might add - with no tolerance build up!!) is actually making me scared I might have seizures! Its like intense depression.....almos suicidal depression and my body twitches with like im being zapped with electricity. I can barely stand up and things go all dizzy like im going in an out of reality. Its like im losing my mind! All that in one day out of nowhere!

I feel so alone. Please can people just keep me company. I've spent all morning crying and I cant stop. I feel really stupid already.

My other half doesnt know. Its not the right time. He's too stressed and already not talking to me. I have so many responsibilities I cant just sit at home crying or sleeping. I dont know how Im giong to cope with this and get everything done! So scared.

 

[dimitri420]

I feel bad for you benzo withdrawel is the worst. but dont worrie, hopefully your doctor will prescribe you something with a longer half-life like valium so it will be easier to quit and less withdrawl. i also think etizolam is pretty hypnotic that may effect the withdrawel.

 

[herbavore]

Hi, Hardcore. I'm really glad that you are going to see a doctor. Is your husband also suffering from depression? When you say that he is not talking to you do you mean about your depression specifically or at all?

 

[Hardcoreprawn]

I dont have a choice. Right now he just think i have a cold. I have to get on with stuff. Too many thing to do. I will have to heheheh "fit it in" and try never touch the stuff again!

No mu other half is not depressed, I am. Serverely. He's just been supportive too long and now he's just grumpy all the time. He gets angry with me instead of talking to me so we dont talk much anymore. No energy to fight. Ijust back down to shut him out. I cant cope with his moods liket his and get everything done.

 

[Hardcoreprawn]

Sorry herbavore, i am struggling to handle his quick temper and bluntness at the moment. he's very stressed and i think he's sick of my depression and its coming out as a quick temper. i am avoiding him too if im honest.

i really didnt want this to happen. its made everything worse.

 

[herbavore]

Your life sounds overwhelming. I hope the doctor turns out to be someone you can be honest with and gives you some support. You need it! It is hard to be on the outside of someone else's depression but it is no excuse for callousness.

 

[Serotonin101]

For me drug addiction came about from self medicating for my depression. Every time I beat the withdrawals my depression lures me back into the cycle. For me, heroin keeps me happy and content, but I can't lead a normal life being depressed OR being dependant on drugs. If you haven't already you might wanna look into some treatment for your depression. Otherwise you might end up down this road again and it might not be at such low doses either. Best of luck to you, please keep us informed on how you're doing

 

[wooger]

^^ very wise words! Dependance to benzos happens really quickly (I learnt this the very hard way! I also learnt that benzo withdrawal is absolute hell so I can totally see where you are coming from) and luckily you weren't taking such high doses that your doctor might think you were 'getting high' off them and be more open to helping you taper..

Obviously everyone reacts differently to drugs but I would seriously doubt you are at a risk of seizures from such a relatively small dose.

You might get away with just stopping, you likely will, but if you are really concerned about it then please speak to a doctor but having something like 'drug abuse' on your medical record might not be worth it in the long run if you aren't (and I would doubt you are, given dosage and duration) dangerously dependent.

I think talking to your doctor is a very wise move tho about your depression and a lot of doctors are becoming increasingly aware of people self medicating for depression and such.

Anyways, I wish you well and hope it all works out for you .

 

[Hardcoreprawn]

im already in councelling for depression and am off work. its not helping much at the moment. and i agree i need to overcome the depression rather than cover it up so i can cope with my life. and yes, my life is overwhelming. too much, all the time, never stops.

 

[Serotonin101]

I understand feeling overwhelmed. Do your best to take it easy. Anxiety tends to feed off itself, the more worked up you get, the worse it escalates too. I truly wish you the best of luck. As someone who suffers from "polydrug addiction". (I love all drugs but they don't love me lol) I understand benzos withdrawal. It's not easy. It never is. But just remember you don't HAVE to use to get by. Your mind will tell you some awful things and make you feel like shit in order for you to feed that hunger/thirst. It truly is a mind over matter fight that will forever be uphill. But over time that hill gets less steep and you develop the endurance and soon you won't be crossing a mountain, but a mere mole hill. Best of luck friend. I'm rattling a bit as my subs wear off and my heroin detox begins so I hope I made some sense to you. Much love to ya.

~sero

PS look into some herbal medicine possibly. For us opiate users we have kratom and such. I'm sure there are "natural" routes for anxiety. I understand this is just a cushion but some of us need that cushion, otherwise when we jump, we tend to break and relapse quickly. I know I do at times.