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Cocaine doing coke alone

At 4am this morning I genuinely thought about whether this life was worth all the hassle. I just sat with my own thoughts, keep in mind I'm in bupe withdrawal too. But, I honestly think if it wasn't for my close family I'd have stepped of a ledge early hours this morning. The irony? I bought more coke tonight only half a g, but last night I honestly felt alone, self inflicted of course but that doesn't take away from what I felt like doing. I honestly think it's time to admit the party is over now. I can't keep up with these ups and downs and the downs are getting worse. Even the highs are getting edgy. I looked through my contacts last night think who should I phone, but it was 4am I could bother anyone at that time. My uncle said today I'm to call him any time I feel like that no matter if it's 4am. Coke has romanced me and then kicked me to the curb. I don't know if I ever want to be fully clean of everything though. Although I'll never be able to even dabble with coke. At 4am this morning I realised just how unhappy I am and exactly what's causing that. My son's mom won't let my son anywhere near me not that I'd ever let him do coke, but I see her point. It's a lonely world and without drugs in guessing it's going to get even more lonely
 
jessepinkman779 said:
At 4am this morning I genuinely thought about whether this life was worth all the hassle. I just sat with my own thoughts, keep in mind I'm in bupe withdrawal too. But, I honestly think if it wasn't for my close family I'd have stepped of a ledge early hours this morning. The irony? I bought more coke tonight only half a g, but last night I honestly felt alone, self inflicted of course but that doesn't take away from what I felt like doing. I honestly think it's time to admit the party is over now. I can't keep up with these ups and downs and the downs are getting worse. Even the highs are getting edgy. I looked through my contacts last night think who should I phone, but it was 4am I could bother anyone at that time. My uncle said today I'm to call him any time I feel like that no matter if it's 4am. Coke has romanced me and then kicked me to the curb. I don't know if I ever want to be fully clean of everything though. Although I'll never be able to even dabble with coke. At 4am this morning I realised just how unhappy I am and exactly what's causing that. My son's mom won't let my son anywhere near me not that I'd ever let him do coke, but I see her point. It's a lonely world and without drugs in guessing it's going to get even more lonely
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You should find a group chat where u can get high with other people and talk with on video cam. I use to do that on tiny chat when I'd get really lonely drunk late at night, u can usually find other people in the same predicament as u to laugh with. It'll kill the loneliness and keep u from killing yourself. :lowrider:
 
puke said:
You should find a group chat where u can get high with other people and talk with on video cam. I use to do that on tiny chat when I'd get really lonely drunk late at night, u can usually find other people in the same predicament as u to laugh with. It'll kill the loneliness and keep u from killing yourself. :lowrider:
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cant he use bluelight for that
 
Late night coke again. I've actually shared it with a friend tonight though so it's been a nice change. Although I won't stop until it's all gone. And I've already ordered more for today (Monday) morning. On the plus side I'm being put back on my bupe on Wednesday morning. Only at 4mg per day, but that'll suit me fine.

I honestly think if I don't stop the coke soon I'm going to lose my family. They're sick and tired off it which, I understand although I never bother anyone when I'm on it my my closest uncle has completely cut me off now. He said I Love you too much to watch what you're doing to yourself. He also said I'm getting more and more impulsive and aggressive when I'm on it, but no one else close to me has said I'm aggressive on it. My ex thinks I'm great to have a conversation with when I'm on it, but does say I need to keep it to once per week and, even then only half a gram. I think I need to quit completely because half a gram a week will go up and up. I tried a new dealer today, well he's someone I know but the only guy in our town who doesn't get it off my regular dealer. Very impressed TBF. My dealer was busy, my back up dealer was out of town so I tried this 3rd guy. Worked out well. Only problem is I've got to pretend to be asleep when my brother gets up for work at 5am. That'll be fun won't it. Laying on my bed flying and trying to make out I'm asleep.

This 3rd dealer has offered me all sorts to switch to him alone for all the coke I have. But, I'll try it at least 4 or 5 times before I make that decision. Ideally, I'll be off it by the time that time coomes. If I'm still on it and the quality remains consistent I'll switch to him. It's cheaper and easily on par, maybe more than what I'm getting now

Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely day/Had a lovely day.
 
Im having a few stripes solo as we speak, I actually prefer to have a sniff alone these days, strange as it may sound to some. Its 4.37am here and I've nothing for doing today/tomorrow.
 
Oldskipper said:
Im having a few stripes solo as we speak, I actually prefer to have a sniff alone these days, strange as it may sound to some. Its 4.37am here and I've nothing for doing today/tomorrow.
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Good for you. I've just had some dropped off. It's 16:24 hours here. I haven't slept for a few nights, but I feel fine. I do prefer to have a sniff alone most of the time. I've got a very small circle that I chat to on WhatsApp when I'm high. One of them insists I'm a much happier and friendly person on it and she's an ex of mine I was with for 6 years. Funny enough she did nothing but moan when I sniffed it when we were an item. She has said recently that I seem to be getting more aggressive on it recently, not towards her. She said she's just noticed the things I say or do. TBF she made that claim after a 50 year old man tried beating my 19 year old son up in a pub in our local town and I went up there going mad, but I think that's a perfectly normal reaction I just happened to be high on coke at the time.

Did you enjoy your stripes?

I saw on UK news last week that somewhere in Europe authorities seized 30 tonnes of coke. I thought great! That's going to push prices up. Someone must be fuming losing that kind of weight. I'm glad I'm just a user. A guy in Scotland has just been given a prison term for half an Oz of coke police found when raiding his house. I would of thought it easy to pass half Oz off as personal usage. He must of had a bad solicitor. I've walked through the town centre with that much on me and I just thought of I got caught id tell the truth that it's personal and I bought it off some random guy I met in the town. I'm guessing for that guy to get prison for half Oz that it wasn't his first offense of the same kind. I've had the police on my house with well over a Q in full view and they just told me and my mate to keep the noise down because my neighbours felt worried. They asked if there were any children in the house,I said no and they just left they didn't even pick the coke bag up and both officers definitely saw it. But, it was clearly personal me and my mate were flying when they knocked my door.
 
Well, I've lost count of how many days I've been on it and how much I've had. But, on a good note: I feel great.
 
Someone recommended a book to help me it's called the chimp paradox so I've purchased it. Anything is worth a try at this point.
 
Jesse I just wanted to tell you I can tell you have a lot to offer the world. You type super honestly and you know yourself well and you understand your situation even if you can't escape it right away. I feel like I'm similar and I just wanted to say how I feel about it lately, regarding myself, might not apply to you. When I'm fucked up and indulging we are not pleasant to be around and not productive, but we finally feel alright and can just be alone a while. I look clearly edgy and a bit sketchy and odd and it's not a good look, but there's a relief that comes from entering and exiting a bender and remembering that I have this as something to fall back on when I am at my wits end with things in general. When I'm not fucked up and I'm trying harder I'm still not that pleasant to be around because I'm feeling a bit emasculated and like I'm faking it somewhat, and I start to get a bit overbearing and talk a lot and I feel awkward. But people actually like being around me and they feel comfortable and they open up to me more and in that there's potential to love and be loved by others truly, to relate and talk about something and say something actually valuable. That can happen on coke too but there are undoubtably times where I have basically been a wolf in sheep's clothing pretending that I give a shit about life while others think, "what's wrong with him? He seems off and it's a bit strange and maybe worrying". Same with family connections, I hung out with family sober for a weekend recently, and there were times where I just felt like there was nothing to do with them and my fake interest bored them and I think we all felt a bit lost, plus the sobriety just hung over the whole weekend as I knew they were thinking about how I was thinking and vise versa. It was a weird white washing of life, as though I had training wheels on and everyone knew it but we had no way of acknowledging it. But then there were moments where we actually laughed together or made light of it and I remembered what it was like to dig deep into the day and find something worthwhile in it because I searched hard for it, rather than abandoned hope and gave up on the day.

But I have since relapsed a few times and it's the same as always, I binge till its gone and it gets in the way of finances friends family and work, and I become a weird stranger that these people are wary of because the me that they know has gone away and this druggy version has replaced me. I like myself like that sometimes, I can be weirdly honest and blunt and intense about things when I'm coming down but when I'm still high I can barely talk and I look like a crazy person at times and see people giving me looks and I just look physically rough. Relapsed right after a two week break (enforced, dealer respected my request for a break and I texted him damn near every day of it) and now the next day I'm already buying more and probably going to do it all tonight. So I have no room to talk, I am lately just weighing my two options:

Feel like I want to feel but people don't understand me or like me or want to be around me

Don't feel much of anything at all and have to work my ass off to become happy for a while but people want to be around me and respect me and opportunities for growing as a person abound.

Philip Seymour Hoffman basically said this in this interview. either he was going to do drugs, or do the things he wanted to do his entire life leading up to that. Obviously he chose drugs at the end and probably throughout his whole career but it is a big question to ask myself. Do I want drugs or everything else? Am I even imagining the possibilities of "everything else", are there things I want to do badly but feel I can't or don't deserve and therefore choose drugs? Or is it something else?

These are the questions I ask myself lately. I have gotten into the stage of disappointing friends and family and have cut it close with work but have been forgiven a lot. But forgiven enough that I have seen the distrust and disappointment and hear myself saying things I have said probably 5-10 times before, totally sincerely every time, about how I would never have to say them again. And I've seen the love others have bend and bulge throughout this, as they start to consider the possibility that I just can't do what I say. I know I'm preaching to the choir this is mainly a rant for myself. I appreciate this thread so much man and you have given me so much through it.
 
I researched the original coca cola formula, and both that formulation of 9mg cocaine per glass and the way the natives in bolivia, peru, columbia, and ecuador consume the leaves actually provides a really nice little lift.

it's like a tiny line. Most lines are 25mg or more - I used to do 50mg lines sometimes and I have seen people snort 1/10th of a gram in one big hoot - bam!

Anyway, I got some cocaine nose spray 3 months ago and found that it was a bit too strong at 15mg per spray when I took two sprays - one in each nose - actually it was lovely,
but for an old guy like me I felt it was really a bit too strong: I got jumpy - especially when I repeated it an hour later.

So I diluted my spray to half strength, and have been doing 8 mg cocaine sprays a few times daily for the last 3 months, going through a total of 2 grams in 12 weeks or 1 gram in 6 weeks.

right now I am 2 days off, and my supply wont be replenished for another week, yet there is no withdrawal, although I miss that electric cool feeling in my nose and numbed teeth.

Perhaps that is micro-dosing in terms of cocaine, but if it is not escalating, I think it is sustainable, and not more expensive than my other allergy nose spray which I stopped using for 3 months.
 
danosaurous22 said:
Jesse I just wanted to tell you I can tell you have a lot to offer the world. You type super honestly and you know yourself well and you understand your situation even if you can't escape it right away. I feel like I'm similar and I just wanted to say how I feel about it lately, regarding myself, might not apply to you. When I'm fucked up and indulging we are not pleasant to be around and not productive, but we finally feel alright and can just be alone a while. I look clearly edgy and a bit sketchy and odd and it's not a good look, but there's a relief that comes from entering and exiting a bender and remembering that I have this as something to fall back on when I am at my wits end with things in general. When I'm not fucked up and I'm trying harder I'm still not that pleasant to be around because I'm feeling a bit emasculated and like I'm faking it somewhat, and I start to get a bit overbearing and talk a lot and I feel awkward. But people actually like being around me and they feel comfortable and they open up to me more and in that there's potential to love and be loved by others truly, to relate and talk about something and say something actually valuable. That can happen on coke too but there are undoubtably times where I have basically been a wolf in sheep's clothing pretending that I give a shit about life while others think, "what's wrong with him? He seems off and it's a bit strange and maybe worrying". Same with family connections, I hung out with family sober for a weekend recently, and there were times where I just felt like there was nothing to do with them and my fake interest bored them and I think we all felt a bit lost, plus the sobriety just hung over the whole weekend as I knew they were thinking about how I was thinking and vise versa. It was a weird white washing of life, as though I had training wheels on and everyone knew it but we had no way of acknowledging it. But then there were moments where we actually laughed together or made light of it and I remembered what it was like to dig deep into the day and find something worthwhile in it because I searched hard for it, rather than abandoned hope and gave up on the day.

But I have since relapsed a few times and it's the same as always, I binge till its gone and it gets in the way of finances friends family and work, and I become a weird stranger that these people are wary of because the me that they know has gone away and this druggy version has replaced me. I like myself like that sometimes, I can be weirdly honest and blunt and intense about things when I'm coming down but when I'm still high I can barely talk and I look like a crazy person at times and see people giving me looks and I just look physically rough. Relapsed right after a two week break (enforced, dealer respected my request for a break and I texted him damn near every day of it) and now the next day I'm already buying more and probably going to do it all tonight. So I have no room to talk, I am lately just weighing my two options:

Feel like I want to feel but people don't understand me or like me or want to be around me

Don't feel much of anything at all and have to work my ass off to become happy for a while but people want to be around me and respect me and opportunities for growing as a person abound.

Philip Seymour Hoffman basically said this in this interview. either he was going to do drugs, or do the things he wanted to do his entire life leading up to that. Obviously he chose drugs at the end and probably throughout his whole career but it is a big question to ask myself. Do I want drugs or everything else? Am I even imagining the possibilities of "everything else", are there things I want to do badly but feel I can't or don't deserve and therefore choose drugs? Or is it something else?

These are the questions I ask myself lately. I have gotten into the stage of disappointing friends and family and have cut it close with work but have been forgiven a lot. But forgiven enough that I have seen the distrust and disappointment and hear myself saying things I have said probably 5-10 times before, totally sincerely every time, about how I would never have to say them again. And I've seen the love others have bend and bulge throughout this, as they start to consider the possibility that I just can't do what I say. I know I'm preaching to the choir this is mainly a rant for myself. I appreciate this thread so much man and you have given me so much through it.
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Reading your post was like reading something I'd written myself I can relate so very much.

I'm keeping this reply shortly because I'm in hospital. Long story short I've had a sinus infection for a while according to the consultant caused by sniffing coke, he said he's only seen it a handful of times. The infection has spread to my right eye and is affecting my vision. I'm on IV antibiotics, steroids and eye drops. If that doesn't work it's eye surgery to relive the pressure behind my eye. Oh, and I have a small hole in my septum too. Been a great Friday this has. What was the first thing I did as soon as they admitted me? Got my dealer to drop to me in the hospital and I've been going to the bathroom doing lines all day. They've questioned my heart rate a few times but I've managed to convince them it's anxiety due to being terrified of eye surgery. The Dr said the vision in my right eye might never be the same again only time will tell. This should be a turning point, but I can't say honestly if it will be because I'm an idiot with a short memory. There's a life I honestly would love, but it will never be mine again, so I'm hopeful there is something special to all the other things in life.

I completely get you being around family awkwardly trying to pretend your sobriety isn't on everyone's mind I feel exactly the same. It's that brief escape coke gives me, I can literally blend into any situation when I'm high, however, I choose to isolate just to feel that sweet release and pretend everything is right with the world even though it's not. I took wonder what the everything else is that I could have, how would it feel, would I be truly happy there's so much out there. I really, really enjoyed your comment,it bought tears to my eyes to be honest because the things you typed I've felt, I feel.
 
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