Does this actually happen often? Or is it just me...

[rant*N*rave]

For as much as my early abuse caused the problems I have now, which are largely correctable, even once I deal with that all the way I still have a genetic basis to this problem

Fallen suggested that everyone has some level of crazy going on, which is true, but then goes on to say that if you're "bluffing" about it, you're fucked. I may end up completely "normal" in behavior tomorrow and be fine for 20 years, but let's say I have a kid that dies. Knowing my history, I'd probably flip the fuck out. My issues are super treatable, and I'm already MUCH better off than 5 years ago, and I anticipate being even better in the relatively near future, but there is definitely a component here that isn't going to go away. That suggests that I am fucked in EVERY social interaction I will ever have, not just in dating relationships, according to what I'm hearing.

And I don't let my life fall to pieces over not dating, it falls to pieces when dating goes wrong. I've spent way more of my life out of relationships than in and the sex is always better when you're single and not obligated to cuddle or cook meals or deal with jealousy after threesomes or anything afterwards if you just feel like a quick fuck. But in all seriousness, most of my "relationships" with guys have been fuckbuddy situations, and I have remained friends with most of them even after we stopped having sex. That aspect of my life is not something I worry about.

The problem is when I have a relationship that goes horribly wrong - what I do worry about is never having ANY *meaningful* relationships AT ALL. That thought scares the shit out of me. My lack of trust in people just keeps growing and growing, and it has become somewhat unmanageable. I have plenty of acquaintances that are super fun to be with but I don't trust farther than I can throw them, and that's all well and good, but I have literally never had a dependable relationship in my life. It's a hard thing to grasp, and I don't like it at all. Call it stupid or dependent or clingy or validation issues or wrong, but I want to have it at least ONCE, and I would like it to last for a while. Not necessarily marriage or anything, but I want to be able to have someone truly appreciate me and me be able to appreciate that fact. Right now, I feel like there is no possibility of that ever happening. And everyone is basically telling me that's true. And it sucks ass. I was "normal" before this episode (again, the reason I'm so distressed now - I can't believe this all happened), and I'll be normal again, so why is the fact that I may react strongly to bad situations such a complete dealbreaker?

 

[wizekrak]

I think anyone would totally flip out if their kid died. One of my realtives had a sone die in a cra accident nearly a decade ago, he still visits the grave daily and has yet to get over it.

I think the problem is that you love very deeply and so it hurts a great deal when things go wrong (I'm similar), so you become hesitant to let the guard down and to let someone in to your life in that capacity.

I think what really helped for me was finally understanding that meaningful relationships aren't the end all be all that many people make them out to be. THe world is huge, with millions of things to see and do. If you *need* a meaningfulrelationship to be happy and fear the lack thereof, then you will never be happy. Reliance on outside stimuli for happiness is a sure fire road to disillusionment. Once I stoped focusing on "what I have" and instead focused on "who I am" I found things much easier to manage.

In the end the only thing you can control and lay claim to 100% is you. All things in life (except the self) are transient. Now these things may be around you as long as you live (family, relationships, career, etc...) but understanding the transient nature of these things tends to calm the mind (I really hope this makes sense)

 

[rant*N*rave]

^I do understand. It is just the crappy nature of my mind that constantly demands validation. I don't know if I will ever be able to find it within... I have learned to be happy with my accomplishments most of the time, but I still struggle horrendously with actually applying value to them - essentially, I know that I don't suck completely, but I still don't know that I'm actually worthy of anything. And I'm really not sure if I can prove it internally...

 

[Zzyzx]

I've did this in the past, but when I did it the girl really deserved it and she was really playing with me or cheating on me. I've stopped now simply because I've learned to avoid those kind of women

 

[Mariposa]

RNR, I am probably in the second "dependable" relationship of my life - he's got a couple small glitches (fear of public speaking) whereas I have a laundry list - not as severe as yours, but a trifecta of generalized anxiety, major depression, and panic disorder in combination with the fact that I can overuse alcohol at times doesn't exactly make me the ideal partner.

But guess what? While I don't count on him to "make" me stable, when he and I talk about things and discuss how best I can cope when I get sad/anxious/etc. I am not only able to cope better, but we build trust and communication.

There are many times both of us have been tempted to run like hell, probably especially him. It can't be easy to live with someone who is despondent, anxious, insecure, and occasionally irrational. But we made an active decision to stay together and strong because the love and commitment are there.

The previous dependable relationship... well, it lasted 3 years, the last part of which I spent cheating (for the first and only time in my life, one person, a coworker, but over many months). I was the one that was in the wrong, and my guilt eventually made me cut and run. He never found out. He is now happily married. More to the story if you want to hear it, but PM me so I don't derail your thread. I'll tell you how it DID eventually come back to bite me in the ass, and why I have never cheated since if you drop me a PM.

So, considering I've done bad things, I must be unlovable, right? Just as you are doomed to a miserable existence because you were mistreated by your parents and others, I'm an asshole forever because I cheated, right? This is what your reasoning appears to say, and I don't buy it. I can't take back what I did, but over 5 years later, I haven't. And the strength of what my guy and I have now would be more important to preserve even if I did run into a situation where I was tempted. And even though he teaches cute little undergrads like you who occasionally flirt with him (one practically threw herself at him even though she had a boyfriend and knew he had a girlfriend!) I know that he won't stray. I won't either.

Your past and your history do not have to damn you to an existence void of genuine, enjoyable social interactions with a basis of trust. You have actively chosen to place yourself in situations with untrustworthy people and then blamed your past for, in essence, not knowing anything different.

I don't think the moments and days of normalcy in your life are a farce; I believe you mentioned you have bipolar disorder. May I ask what diagnoses you have received for your problems so I don't falsely interpret how that has affected you? I realize that PTSD occurs in all populations, but it would be an extreme rarity to find it in someone with your history. Not to overgeneralize or minimize the impact of your childhood, but I'm pretty sure you didn't see your entire squadron killed by enemy fire in Vietnam, for example. And you clearly have better medical insurance than they do in the military.

While you are in the hospital, you should ask if there is a PTSD-related support group. That's pretty cool that they have the Internet there. I've never been to inpatient but have visited many psychiatric patients. Most were very interesting people. I hope that you utilize the resources available to you and try to get back home sooner rather than later.

Continued best wishes for your recovery.

 

[Lysis]

But that all aside, you say that people will be okay with dating me once I fix myself - but there is no "fixing" myself. I have a disease, and no matter how much I work at it, it's never going to go away completely. For as much as my early abuse caused the problems I have now, which are largely correctable (and I'm really starting to deal with them effectively - you should have seen what happened when my high school bf became a drug addict and left me), even once I deal with that all the way I still have a genetic basis to this problem. Everyone in my dad's family is batshit, and I thank the lord every day that I don't have things as bad as they do. I may love myself fully one day, but the nature of my issue makes it likely to be permanent.

Hmmm, my ex-BF who died of a drug OD had this same attitude. I'm just going to be up front with you from the side of the person who has to deal with this kind of attitude towards their issues and that is that it's exhausting. Abso-fucking-lutely exhausting.

I'm a pretty patient person when it comes to people, but this guy had the same attitude - I have a disease, nothing I can do about it. I'm just going to give you a heads up - "normal" people believe that any kind of issue can be corrected by you. The excuse that addiction and loss of self control is a "disease" is completely dismissed. I honestly got sick of the tired excuse.

I don't mean to sound mean, but this is just coming from someone who had to deal with the drama. We all have our problems, but for someone like me we have the power to do something about it.

It's just something to think about when dating.

 

[DigitalDuality]

That's the problem with psychological disorders, the entire "science" (*cough* industry *cough*) around it ensures that people identify themselves by their problems, like it was a down trodden racial identity, therefore making their problems cyclic and increasing their dependency on doctors and big pharm. Not saying that's the case here... but it is frequently.

 

[Lysis]

^ I understand. I still loved him to death and I tried to work with it, but the chronic excuse that addiction and anxiety are a disease and there isn't anything one can do to change the behavior patterns wears thin on a person. I put up with it because I loved him and he had such a sweet soul, but I can understand where someone would run from that kind of drama.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

but there is no "fixing" myself. I have a disease, and no matter how much I work at it, it's never going to go away completely.

No.

No.

NO! I don't know if this is what your doctors are telling you, or if this is just what you believe yourself but this is FALSE, and if the doctors are telling you this they should be shot. ARGHH!

At age 12 I went through severe depression and stopped eating or getting out of bed. I attempted suicide and began self mutilating. The doctors drugged me up and told me I had a "brain imbalance" and that I would "need" medication for the rest of my life because it would never go away. I remained drugged on SSRI's, anti anxiety and mood stabilizer type drugs my entire teen years which completely changed my personality. At age 18 I realized I had a choice and went off all my meds, suffering horrible withdrawls (they didn't even bother to tell me it was addictive). It was hard going off my meds. I actually had to deal with the emotions deep inside me which were causing me to feel depression in the first place. And I did. I never touched an anti depressant again and came to learn and understand things about life and experience more joy than I ever could have imagined.

This is only one of the many examples I have of when doctors or even just other people told me something about me was always going to be that way and I changed it on my own. I can't imagine the shell of a person I'd be had I listened to these fucking worthless doctors, still drugged up and going nowhere I imagine.

My point is, what you said is a complete mental block. I'm living proof that everything is a choice, and everything is able to be healed from. I used to be the sickest person ever in many ways, physically and mentally and I'm a different person now because I REFUSED to believe the thing you said that I quoted. It makes me so sad to see people living in this false mentality.

You can get better. 100% better. And without the aid of any fucking drugs too. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you when I read your posts. I just want to grab you and scream that you have all the power over your life, your health, your mental health, your emotions and anything else you could want in this universe if you only realized it.

Everyone in my dad's family is batshit

Means nothing. You are you.

To put it simply, I'm looking for support, and I'm getting criticism, which is completely antithetical to my recovery. I already blame myself for everything, and that's why I'm lashing out so much - I feel like these kinds of things are proof that I will never be loved, and in the heat of the moment, that's enough to trigger my illness.

I'm criticizing you because I'm trying to get you to see my point. Because I care. Criticism shouldn't go against your recovery. If it does, you are NOT recovering because you are STILL giving away your power. See?

So what do you suggest I do? I'm going to have the "eventually the cracks start to show" problem eventually, whether it's at two months or two years or two decades.

Once again. Self fulfilling prophecy?

I took myself off the market for three years to really make a serious effort at improving myself so that I could be a better person for myself, because I am damn tired of feeling worthless all the time, and hopefully be a better person for someone else who could love me for me.

Good, but do it for you, not so someone else could love you for you.

it chips away at my base of stability and really pushes all my buttons having come from my background.

Good. Sounds like good therapy for someone like you. Sounds like a good way for you to stop, get angry and say "Hey, maybe I shouldn't ALLOW someone ELSE to do this to me!" instead of "He hurt me! He triggered me!"

Many of your "tough love" posts have come off as completely condescending and critical and not like any kind of love at all.

You are taking them that way because you are in a very defensive place right now. This isn't an attack, it's a statement of fact. Your posts make my stomach tense up when I read them because of the defensive feeling they give off. No offense but people have been here, listening to you and writing four pages trying to help you. It sorta seems like you haven't even responded to a lot of the stuff I've said, but because you have your defenses up you are just ready to defend yourself instead of really listening. Like I said this isn't an attack, it's just a statement of how I see things, no negative emotion towards you involved.

It is just the crappy nature of my mind that constantly demands validation.

Then change the crappy nature of your mind. It's YOURS!

what I do worry about is never having ANY *meaningful* relationships AT ALL.

Until you are able to let go of that fear, that is all you will get. Lack thereof.
Look into emotional freedom technique. Please. PLEASE? It's truly an amazing
therapy which really helped me the last time something left me feeling truly
hopeless and out of control. It allows you to take control over your emotions
(no matter how bad they might be or if they come from a disease or not) If you ignore everything else in my post, PLEASE try looking into this. Although honestly, it would work better if you were not on medication which might dull your true feelings. But anyway here are some links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l-VDOGqmd4
http://www.bradyates.net/page8.html

The second page makes it look a little confusing but the first video is really easy to understand,I learned in about 10 minutes.

I'm a pretty patient person when it comes to people, but this guy had the same attitude - I have a disease, nothing I can do about it. I'm just going to give you a heads up - "normal" people believe that any kind of issue can be corrected by you. The excuse that addiction and loss of self control is a "disease" is completely dismissed. I honestly got sick of the tired excuse.

That's the problem with psychological disorders, the entire "science" (*cough* industry *cough*) around it ensures that people identify themselves by their problems, like it was a down trodden racial identity, therefore making their problems cyclic and increasing their dependency on doctors and big pharm. Not saying that's the case here... but it is frequently.

^Yay, two people who see things like I do! Listen to them RnR.

 

[randycaver]

in my very humble opinion this thread isn't doing much for you and neither is bluelight.

you think way too much about yourself and focus way too much on what is wrong. blaming your mental disorders is such a tired excuse. aren't you tired?

Now what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Women like me? You mean ones that are super caring and forgiving and take care of their man after massive surgery and don't ever interfere with a guy's "guys nights out" and don't care that he is all up on other hot chick friends at the club all the time and even look past his somewhat severe issues and the fact that he peed on their floor after showing up unannounced and completely trashed spouting all kinds of rude bullshit one night only a couple weeks in? The ones that lay their cards on the table at the beginning of a relationship to allow guys to bow out gracefully before anyone gets hurt

just the fact that you mentioned all those things show you DID care. why sell yourself short for what you think is fucked up for a guy? guys don't like doormats. nobody likes doormats. PEOPLE (yes, all people) will see that they can push a person so far and then keep pushing, and pushing.. you can claim you have all these wonderful ways of treating guys but the fact remains you are putting off signals that turn them off. there isn't some conspiracy at work here where random people decide to string you along and ditch you. quit focusing on how you think you would be a better girlfriend. when you're with the right person it's easy and there is no effort involved except the normal every day shit. i have never once worried about being the 'perfect g/f' and so much better than my b/f's previous g/f's and that is how i knew it was right.

i think you take yourself so incredibly seriously that you cripple your own growth. im not sure if you're like this in real life but it would be exhausting if you were.

btw, you want support? slr is an advice forum, not a hand holding forum. you've been around here for quite some time. you know that threads often turn opposite of how the OP wants it, so please don't act like this is a surprise. if you don't like it, you can have the thread closed. the kind of support you want would be detrimental, unless you enjoy having smoke blown up your ass.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

i have never once worried about being the 'perfect g/f'

lolz I know.. me neither. I just be me and let them love away.

unless you enjoy having smoke blown up your ass.

Yup. Exactly what I meant when I said we are being critical because we care.

There have been many times I've asked for help here in SLR and in my livejournal and you guys have told me stuff that wasn't always very easy to hear or perhaps I wasn't ready to hear. It's always been this stuff that has helped me the most and been exactly what I NEEDED to hear.

 

[anna!]

i think you take yourself so incredibly seriously that you cripple your own growth. im not sure if you're like this in real life but it would be exhausting if you were.

Yes, this.

Being self-analytical has its place, and will ultimately help you to get better (and you can get better, thinking that you can't is a stupid, self-fulfilling attitude to have). But being consumed by it doesn't leave any time to be anything but entirely self absorbed. You don't have room in your life for a healthy relationship, because all of your spare time is taken up with you. That's why people keep leaving you.

 

[TurkishPepper]

RnR I do know what it feels like. Depression (in the clinical sense) is also very difficult to fight and I know how false it seems to tell yourself that things can be different. But I managed it, without meds, because I knew I had to - I had two children and they needed me to be okay. When it came right down to it I made a definite choice one day that I was not going to give in to it anymore, that I was going to be generous toward myself and give myself all the love and support and strength that I was looking for from others. It felt incredibly ungenuine at first but it did NOT take long before my outlook changed. I am not a diferent person, I still have the same default settings, if you like, but I can manage myself quite well now. I don't think it helps to look at yourself as defective, though. Once you stop making 'fixing yourself' the only solution you can instead look at managing your particular set of difficulties in the best and most effective way.

 

[Doppelganger]

Now what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Women like me? You mean ones that are super caring and forgiving and take care of their man after massive surgery and don't ever interfere with a guy's "guys nights out" and don't care that he is all up on other hot chick friends at the club all the time and even look past his somewhat severe issues and the fact that he peed on their floor after showing up unannounced and completely trashed spouting all kinds of rude bullshit one night only a couple weeks in? The ones that lay their cards on the table at the beginning of a relationship to allow guys to bow out gracefully before anyone gets hurt? 8(

If my man rocked up unexpectedly and started abusing me and peeing on my floor, I wouldn't be priding myself as a great girlfriend, because I'm one of the few who would tolerate that. I'd be asking myself... "why the hell do I put up with this shit for?"

Stuff like this doesn't make you a better girlfriend, it kind of devalues you in a way. Men don't want a high maintenance woman, but chances are if you let them spit on you, they won't want you either.

Find a balance. There's every chance you could do way better than this moron, but you've got to set some standards first. Maybe it will mean being less tolerant of people's shitty behavior towards you, and maybe it will mean protecting yourself by waiting before you give too much of yourself away, but who cares? Don't delude yourself into believing that you're a better girlfriend because you let men treat you like crap, while they try and grab hold of any other titty they can.

You may be a really nice person, and there's nothing wrong with that - but I think you also have some self esteem issues. Instead of saying to yourself "I am the perfect girlfriend because I put up with just about anything and am so loving, caring, etc." - you need to start saying "I couldn't give a fuck whether or not I'm the best girlfriend my man has ever had - he's treating me like shit, and whilst his previous girls may have been lovely enough to tolerate it, if he thinks I'm going to put up with it, he can go get fucked!!"

Do that and I promise you your love life will improve ten-fold.

Value yourself.

 

[zephyr]

That's the problem with psychological disorders, the entire "science" (*cough* industry *cough*) around it ensures that people identify themselves by their problems, like it was a down trodden racial identity, therefore making their problems cyclic and increasing their dependency on doctors and big pharm. Not saying that's the case here... but it is frequently.

I dont know if anyone else who has been diagnosed with a mental disease or some kind of known syndrome, but before I was slipped into a neat little category and given X Y and Z to correct it most effectively, I was more inclined to search and try anything to actually get better, get over it and really break out of it. When the verdict came in, it was a relief to have answers, but the incentive to recover from it was lessened a hell of a lot because it is seen as "incurable", and also excusable as it has a name.

Weird, but true.

 

[Fallen1]

That's quite the list of excuses you have there. Nothing you've said changes the following:

Summary: you can fix the problem, or you can keep wondering 'why does this always happen to me'?. There is no option C.

The world doesn't care why you are fucked up. In fact, the world doesn't care about you at all. The only person that owes you an enjoyable life is yourself. You can choose to keep making excuses for why your life sucks, or you can choose to do something about it. Your call.

 

[DigitalDuality]

Like I said, I did it while trashed and not in my right mind...

This will also be the last thing i say on the subject. But.. if you have psychiatric problems, emotional stability problems, etc...especially if it's been chronic.

Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Completely. There are times and cases to be 100% anti-drug and until you can hold yourself together without meds, without therapy and have constructive relationships, drugs/alcohol is just going to worsen things (even during times when things are going great).

Not to mention, that circles that are based around bars, clubs, shows, drugs, drinking, etc.. tend to be unstable and dramatic as it is. They are only healthy atmospheres for those who have a healthy state of mind and a healthy sense of self worth, priorities, etc, and sometimes, not even then.

 

[rant*N*rave]

Look, none of you would walk up to a schizophrenic person and say that they should stop taking meds because it's just the industry telling them they need it or that they can fix their problems through hard work alone. It just doesn't work that way. Why is it so hard to accept that I might have a similar problem, though less severe? Just because a lot of people are lucky enough to be able to work through their problems without it doesn't mean everyone can. Some people get through infinitely worse things without so much as a friend, let alone a therapist and cadre of doctors. Some people don't. And more importantly, just because I know I'm a person that needs that extra help doesn't mean I think I'll never get better. I just don't see how that connection is being made.

I also don't understand why you refuse to see the positive things I do say. I'm not fatalistic about this whole thing. Yes, I have a disease. No, it's not completely incurable. I've said a dozen times that I've been working very hard on correcting it, and I've had outstanding success. Lots of people have coping problems, even ones without a medical condition, and I'm working on it just like anyone else would. I'm in therapy/psychiatric care in an awesome clinic that actually addresses my needs and listens to what *I* say about my care. They never use my diagnosis as the sole basis for their treatment. Ever. My condition is not just an acronym written on a piece of paper or a definition in a textbook. I can't just follow a formula and pop out on the other side cured and happy. It doesn't work that way. But it does provide a road map that can help me focus my search for answers. Before I started seeing professionals about my issue, I was just treading water and mostly flailing about and sinking in the process... It led to my first suicide attempt. I didn't even make it to the point to ask for help. Now that I have a clearer picture about the situation and know that I have a problem that can be worked on as well as personal issues that can be worked on, I'm doing a lot better.

I don't make excuses for why my life sucks, I look for REASONS and I try to correct them. If I only made excuses, I would never make progress, because there would be no reason to try. I have asked questions to people here about how to identify, avoid, and if unfortunately necessary, deal with the bad things that happen in life, and all I've heard is that I'm the only one with the problem. Everyone has bad things happen, and everyone needs to deal with them, and at some point, everyone needs help. Regardless of any problem that I or anyone else does or doesn't have, bad things are going to happen. I'm asking what everyone else does to deal with that fact.

That is my problem - I simply don't know how to deal with these things in a healthy way. If I continue on and never have a major personal issue like this, I'd be totally fine - I'm dealing with the trauma of my childhood and many of the past problems I've had, and that aspect is really not a major issue anymore now that I've successfully processed my issues in that regard - but that's not going to happen. And I'll probably be totally happy and healthy up until that point comes, but I'll probably crash and burn again UNLESS I can learn how to deal with those kinds of problems.

I know full well that this sort of thing happens to all sorts of people, and it also *doesn't* happen *all* the time, even to me. Like I've said a million times, I've had healthy relationships too, even when they end badly. I'm asking what to do when something *especially* bad happens and I end up having a problem with it like right now. I don't need to be told I have a problem... I know that already. I also don't need to be told that things will be better once I fix the problem. I know that already. I'm inquiring about what's supposed to happen in the middle. HOW do I make it happen? I know I need to love myself and blah blah blah - HOW does one learn to do that? What have you done to learn that? What do you do when you're really upset and frustrated and need to cope?

I have obviously presented this guy in a negative light - for instance, showing up drunk and obnoxious at my house. That was a once off. He really seemed to be a very caring and understanding guy. It's why I chose to stay with him. It's why I'm so freaking upset that it turned out to be the complete opposite. This is what I'm asking about. What do you do when your expectations are dashed? What do you do when you end up extremely disappointed? I can't fix myself without the tools to do it - I'm asking you all for your suggestions on how to find them. I can't simply wake up tomorrow and say "WOW, I'm fucking awesome!" and believe it. I thought I was complete garbage until a few years ago. I'm just starting to realize that I have a lot to offer even with my flaws. What do you do to remember that you are worthy and valuable on your bad days? What do you do when faced with that doubt?

 

[TurkishPepper]

In fact, waking up tomorrow and saying to yourself that you are fucking awesome is in essence exactly what you will at some point have to do in order to make any real progress on a fundamental level. It is precisely the thing that you need to do. Your mind is powerful, why should you let it create a horrible, lonely, starving existence for you, when you can harness all that drive into making your reality something wonderful and meaningful? I think that many people don't make this choice because in fact there is a certain comfort in staying within the protective walls that one has created - It's frightening to throw away all the constructs and build up new ones. In many ways some mental illnesses or maladaptive thought and behaviour patterns are a bit of a security blanket, comfortable and safe.

It's a difficult thing to explain, but my breakthrough came when I decided to tell myself that I was worth something, even though I could not believe it. I chose to flip a switch in my perception, reasoning that since my world is wholly dictated by my perception of it, that I could in fact create my own reality, and it would be every bit as real and valid as the awful blackness that I had been immersed in up until that point. I decided that every time I was torn up with self-loathing I would tell myself that my *whole* person was worthy of being loved by me, that even the parts of me that I despised were lovable because they were part of who I am, that I would give myself permission to be the flawed person that I am in comparison to my ideal of a level of perfection that was unattainable. I began to fulfil my need for acceptance and emotional sustenance by acknowledging the sadness, hurt, anger and fear of the stolen child in me, the little girl who will always be who she was at five, ten, fifteen years and whose emotional hunger is the drive of my depressive nature. It all sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo when I write it down like this, but I am writing it exactly as I perceived it at the time.

It felt horrible and hollow and even disgusting at first, to say good things to myself every time I was tempted to freak out. It felt as if I was intentionally deceiving myself. It felt stupid. I felt angry with myself, in a way, for daring to be generous toward myself. But I persevered because I knew it was my last hope and that without determination to succeed I would end up dead.

It worked, and that day, that one decision that I made, changed my life and my world completely.

but the thing is, my experience is too personal to apply to you. I can't give you any advice on how to go about finding your way, because you're the only one who knows it. What I would say is that you probably already know what it is you need to do, what exactly the stolen child in you wants from you, and how to fill that void. The question is whether or not you are ready to love yourself. If you are, and if you really WANT to do whatever you need to do, then it's easy enough - you simply make the choice. And you keep making that choice until loving yourself becomes natural. Then you'll not need others so desperately, which in turn will mean that you won't be so desperately frightened of losing them, finally leading to a rich and meaningful life whether you're alone or not and therefore a calmer, more balanced approach to intimacy with others and a much greater chance of success in maintaining a healthy relationship.

(My rambling attempt at conveying my own experience, forgive the excessive wordiness.)

 

[rant*N*rave]

In many ways some mental illnesses or maladaptive thought and behaviour patterns are a bit of a security blanket, comfortable and safe.

This is most certainly true. It's easier to stay the same than to change. Change is scary on some level in every situation we face. I unfortunately had quite a wet blanket over me from living with my mother for 18 years. The only way I could minimize her wrath was to make certain that the problem was always me. I blamed myself for everything because she blamed me for everything, and she was only happy if she made certain that I knew that I was a failure. Her life didn't turn out exactly how she wanted, so she decided that she would mold my life in her image of perfection. I have only been out of that home for five years, and only in the past two was I able to break free from the notion that I had to be perfect to be happy, and not only her version of perfect, but my version of perfect. She taught me that I should never be happy with an accomplishment unless it was the pinnacle of amazingness. It was very hard to unlearn. She still calls me on a regular basis to remind me that my plans for grad school are stupid and that I'm not going to get in... 8)

It felt horrible and hollow and even disgusting at first, to say good things to myself every time I was tempted to freak out. It felt as if I was intentionally deceiving myself. It felt stupid. I felt angry with myself, in a way, for daring to be generous toward myself. But I persevered because I knew it was my last hope and that without determination to succeed I would end up dead.

This is certainly a MAJOR challenge for me. I'm very used to worthless...

but the thing is, my experience is too personal to apply to you. I can't give you any advice on how to go about finding your way, because you're the only one who knows it.

Nothing is ever completely irrelevant in human existence. Your post makes a lot of sense to me, and I'm glad to hear that you were able to follow the path you did. I have often thought it's an impossible one given my failure to achieve it. What I do need to remind myself is that I was in a toxic environment for a really, really long time, and I can't expect to get over that in one day. I can't beat myself up for not making the leap all at once. Again, I can't handle imperfection, and it's totally stupid.

What I would say is that you probably already know what it is you need to do, what exactly the stolen child in you wants from you, and how to fill that void. The question is whether or not you are ready to love yourself. If you are, and if you really WANT to do whatever you need to do, then it's easy enough - you simply make the choice. And you keep making that choice until loving yourself becomes natural. Then you'll not need others so desperately, which in turn will mean that you won't be so desperately frightened of losing them, finally leading to a rich and meaningful life whether you're alone or not and therefore a calmer, more balanced approach to intimacy with others and a much greater chance of success in maintaining a healthy relationship.

(My rambling attempt at conveying my own experience, forgive the excessive wordiness.)

This makes lots of sense, and there's nothing to forgive! Thank you for sharing And I'm late for my zillionth meeting of the day...