Does it ever end?

I'm so tired of all of this. I hate being an addict. I'm grateful for what keeps me going off the deep end, but, at the same time, there are times when I want to remove those chains. It wouldn't make my life any better, it would make it worse.

Why did I decide to be a teen mom?! I love my husband, my life with him. But I also wish I could have experienced so much more. I wish I could have been a college student, living on campus, partying and cramming for mid-terms. But life didn't deal me those cards.

Its so much harder having to deal with all of this with no help. My husband is 1,000 miles away, in the fucking sandbox where we have to fear for his life daily. I only thank god that he doesn't know what I've been battling.

2 more weeks, I'll be with family. Smoke a joint or two, and hopefully calm the fuck down. I'm out of xanax, and, let me tell you, life sucks worse without it.

I'm not sure what I was trying to say with this. I guess I'm just going to take another temazepam, drink another beer, then fall asleep... at least when I'm sleeping life doesn't seem to suck quite so bad. Because it sucks right now like you couldn't believe.

~October

 

Life is life, and it is what you make of it. You are in your situation because of choices you've made, but it seems like you're taking a very negative viewpoint on it. Sure, you're not a college student now, but that doesn't mean that you'll never go to school. Do you even know what you'd want to study? Think about that, so that when you have the chance to go, you'll know exactly what you want to learn.

I'm sorry that your husband is off in the war. I won't ask which front, as that's not really any of my business, nor does it really change anything. Again, that is not necessarily permanent either. Someday he will come back, and put in for a transfer somewhere more peaceful, or perhaps finish his service and go civvie. You're both still young, and there is still a great deal of life left for you to live.

For now, love your daughter, love your husband, love your family, but most importantly love yourself. You sound like you need it the most.