nygiants1313
Bluelighter
No i dont
Just mediocre contentment. I can't buy into it.
I'm rambling. In summary I can say that I reject the life I'm expected to live and I'm consequently always searching for answers.
But the problem, and the thing they don't understand is, that I'm not complaining about MY life, I'm talking about the nature of life, the nature of existence. There's magic in it and I am more attuned to that than mose, I would dare venture, but the magic is rare. It's still what I live for though. I see the point of life not as the overall life you've lived but the amazing moments you've had, few and far between as they are.
So, is this a good reason to do drugs? No, of course not. And I know they'll make things worse. But maybe being on a rollercoaster at least makes me feel somewhat alive. If I live the perfect, healthy, well adjusted life I'm supposed to live, working towards the things I'm supposed to want, it just makes me feel unexcited and vaguely depressed.
At an age when everybody seems to have their life worked out, I'm still searching for answers, still trying to fit in and be happy with what everybody else is.
To be fair. I don't think anyone knows what their doing or whats going on..
I imagine seeing myself once i'm financially independent just drifting between countries seeking out different experiences until i find somewhere i like enough to live for a while. The thought scares me because there's a part of me that wants stability and possibly family, but the other part of me yearns for something much much deeper that is unavailable to me in this current social environment.
Just to update - I finished what I had and have bought some more. I hope this is just going off the rails briefly and not the start of a downward spiral but who knows. It's not like I don't know what I'm getting myself into
Thanks Jetamine.
I've decided that I'm either going to use and just enjoy it or not use at all. What's the point in using but then torturing myself about my using? I think I need to reach a state of equlibrium. I feel massively unbalanced at the moment. Part of the problem is just having too much time on my hands. My client hasn't given me any work for weeks. I should have been using that time productively, in particular to focus on a novel I'm writing. I've been through periods of having a lot of free time (between jobs) before but I used the time well, exercising every day, writing and studying languages. But this time I've gone off the rails. I hope I can stabilise.
I do love taking drugs. After so many years of suffering terrible depression, anxiety and OCD it's just so nice to feel good for a change. However, obviously I realise that using drugs too much will make these problems worse. Ideally I would like to be a true recreational user. Maybe a couple of grams of coke once a month, a couple of oxys once a month and rolling on MDMA every few months. Although that level of drug use may not be good for me, I could feel ok about it I think. But recently I've been using much more than that.
I'm going to try to make the 2g of coke I just bought last for a much longer while than the 8.5g I binged my way through last week. At least that will show me I have some level of will power and control when dealing with drugs. I never would have bought the coke if I hadn't been high on Oxy. I think that's common behaviour isn't it, people will often go searching for coke once they've had a few drinks, because judgement becomes so impaired.
I wouldnt touch heroin, crack or meth either. As you said, no offence to people that use them but I don't trust myself with those drugs at all.
I'll be going to a foreign country for 2-3 months very soon. It's a place I 100% won't have access to drugs of any kind so I won't be using then at all. Hopefully that will help me pull myself together.
I really appreciate the support of everyone posting in this thread.