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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Do you feel like a fuck/up loser for using drugs?

So, I finally finished all of the coke. 8.5g in one week in total (I know the number differs from that above but it was 8.5g, it's just that 1.5g of that was garbage, the other 7g good).

The amount of anxiety and panic attacks I've experienced this week has been staggering. But still I kept going. I've used so many benzos (which I'm normally so careful with, using them only infrequently) to calm down enough to keep going with the coke. Some of the times I felt I was enjoying the coke, when I was doing tiny lines which never got me really high but gave me this lovely little mood uplift. Bigger lines would just trigger panic attacks.

A couple of times during the week I've been pretty much suicidal. I can't even describe how bad I felt. But then as soon as I felt a bit better I would do more coke. I felt elated just chopping up lines with a razor blade, pushing the powder around. I absolutely loved the 'taste' of it going up my nose. But for any enjoyment I got the anxiety and depression has been 1000x worse. I had a work meeting yesterday and came very close to cancelling it because I was feeling so wretched, having been up all night doing coke, getting anxiety attack after anxiety attack.

Now the coke is gone I have mixed feelings. Part of me is so relieved that it's gone. I know it was already starting to ruin me mentally. Physically my nose was constantly blocked. I'm also scared because I'm guessing I'm probably in for a horrible week of depression and anxiety, at least (that's how long it normally took to get back to normal after prescription dexamfetamine binges). Part of me is worried that I will end up buying more. If I do, I think I'm fucked. I'll be heading down a very dark path. I'm worried about how bad the cravings are going to be and how long they'll last. I can already see myself rationalising using this again in the future, getting a gram for a party or as a treat after a month or two of abstinence and healthy living.

I want to leave this behind and never touch it again. I'm not someone who can use this drug recreationally. And it's horrible for my mental state, especially anxiety. I know this drug could mess me up in the worst way and I don't want to go there. I'm hoping that because it was just a week of use that it won't be too hard to get over this. I really hope the cravings aren't so strong that I buy more. No matter how I rationalise it, I think if I do that then I'll be pretty much throwing in the towel.

Feeling so low right now but at least glad that I can start to recover.

Thank you for all the support. I really wish I'd never touched this drug.
 
Stringer_Bell said:
Just mediocre contentment. I can't buy into it.

I'm rambling. In summary I can say that I reject the life I'm expected to live and I'm consequently always searching for answers.

But the problem, and the thing they don't understand is, that I'm not complaining about MY life, I'm talking about the nature of life, the nature of existence. There's magic in it and I am more attuned to that than mose, I would dare venture, but the magic is rare. It's still what I live for though. I see the point of life not as the overall life you've lived but the amazing moments you've had, few and far between as they are.

So, is this a good reason to do drugs? No, of course not. And I know they'll make things worse. But maybe being on a rollercoaster at least makes me feel somewhat alive. If I live the perfect, healthy, well adjusted life I'm supposed to live, working towards the things I'm supposed to want, it just makes me feel unexcited and vaguely depressed.

At an age when everybody seems to have their life worked out, I'm still searching for answers, still trying to fit in and be happy with what everybody else is.
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I cut up your post into segments that i felt were key points, and also the one's i most heavily identified with.

The 'mediocre contentment' comment made me laugh, i see a lot of people around me, both friends and family which are quite content with what i consider mediocrity. But that's just my perspective, to them it may be a very fulfilling and exciting life.. but i deal in extremes and have done so my entire life, and have often skirted the edge of an unconventional lifestyle because it excites me. I took drugs to the extreme in my early twenties, i took travel to the extreme also by travelling to conflict area's and visiting places that were super unconventional.. even extreme sports. All of this makes me feel alive and present.. but i think over the long-term it's simply unsustainable.

Some would argue this makes me an adrenaline seeker, but it's not so much the adrenaline i'm drawn too.. it's the chaotic nature of it, the unpredictability and uncertainty. Which to me is the opposite of a 'conventional' life in the way you describe it above (work, house, stability, family). I have lived in multiple countries, and often abandon social circles and create new ones, or rather new lives because when i feel myself becoming to comfortable the need arises to change everything again. This pattern makes it impossible for me to live a stable life.. i had a traumatic realization around 25 that sort of shook some sense into me and im currently attempting to build a financial base, however.. i have zero interest in pursuing what everyone else is doing.

To be fair. I don't think anyone knows what their doing or whats going on..

I imagine seeing myself once i'm financially independent just drifting between countries seeking out different experiences until i find somewhere i like enough to live for a while. The thought scares me because there's a part of me that wants stability and possibly family, but the other part of me yearns for something much much deeper that is unavailable to me in this current social environment.
 
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malakaix said:
To be fair. I don't think anyone knows what their doing or whats going on..
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I have this thought every single day. Everyone just wakes up in the morning and accepts the fact they are here, and that they have to follow through a certain pattern. It's amazing how easily we're seduced on to this carnival ride, how quickly we give in to it without even questioning why or what we're doing. Family, friends, career, money, a house, culture.. I think once you get quite old and these things fall away you begin to get a different picture about life.. probably why so many old people are cynical and grumpy haha :D We've been moved and used by nature the whole time..

malakaix said:
I imagine seeing myself once i'm financially independent just drifting between countries seeking out different experiences until i find somewhere i like enough to live for a while. The thought scares me because there's a part of me that wants stability and possibly family, but the other part of me yearns for something much much deeper that is unavailable to me in this current social environment.
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Always a good idea to examine where these motivations come from. You can learn a lot about yourself that way.
 
^It's one of the reasons I love the BL community--plenty of people here like you two that ask questions, poke assumptions, dare to be real with others.<3
 
its difficult for me to really answer the question just because its worded so strongly it almost hurts.

i dont think anyone can ever mess up anything really
 
all the time.

I constantly compare myself to my friends before I got into drugs, the ones who didn't follow the same path as me.

Makes all the lies I tell myself blatantly obvious... drugs don't get you anywhere but further behind and in more pain than you started... at least not me anyways.
 
Just to update - I finished what I had and have bought some more. I hope this is just going off the rails briefly and not the start of a downward spiral but who knows. It's not like I don't know what I'm getting myself into
 
Stringer_Bell said:
Just to update - I finished what I had and have bought some more. I hope this is just going off the rails briefly and not the start of a downward spiral but who knows. It's not like I don't know what I'm getting myself into
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Hey not to imply that you don't know what you are talking about, but are you sure that you do? I said the same thing before my last binge being that I had gone through WDs before without any real problem and was able to hold down a job while going through terrible WDs in secret at work. Safe to say I didn't know what I was getting myself into(for the 3rd time) but I didn't realize this until after I had sobered myself up and then woke up in a hospital. Ask me before or at the beginning and I would have told you that I wouldn't go that far. Often times I'll get high and buy more drugs while high, wake up with way more drugs than I started. I've thrown copious amounts of coke away and even still to this day turning down a line isn't something I'm good at. I don't go buy sacks but when someone cuts one for me, well I haven't walked away yet.

Please I hope you reconsider for your own sake. It sounded like you have made some progress now you choose to digress. If you are hurting know that this will only hurt you more. If you are wanting to hurt someone else please know that this will only hurt yourself, and it will be you who must pay the ultimate price, face the WDs and own up to your mistakes when you sober up, because let's face it at the end of every binge, no matter how euphoric and no mater what you escape it comes back. You come back to reality one day, or reality comes back to you.

Any problem you are facing will be dealt with much better in a sober state of mind. Maybe not short term, but long term it will. Sorry, just makes me sad to hear.
 
Thanks Mafioso. Before I read your post I was actually sitting here thinking, 'What the f*ck am I doing?'. I did buy more while I was high. I haven't done any of the coke yet because I'm scared of the interaction with what I've been on today (oxy). I've been making some appalling decisions lately. I never, ever thought that I would start to go off in this direction and have been feeling a bit like i'm looking at myself from the outside, watching myself do these stupid things.

I know everything you say is right. I'm using drugs, I started smoking properly again after quitting for years, I'm not doing any exercise or looking after myself at all. I'm ensuring that my anxiety is high and I'm filled with self loathing because of what I'm doing to myself.

I know that I should throw everything I have away and make a fresh start but I know I'm not going to. You're right, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
 
This is very dependant on the individual I think. If you're a recreational user and don't rely on them then I don't see an issue, aslong as it doesn't impact your life in negative ways.. e.g. turning up to work late, getting fired or losing friends etc; if this is happening then just fuck them off or cut back and be wise about your usage. I remember I did bk-2CB 2 days before my first day on the job.. that fucked me up, couldn't sleep for around 40 hours.. so restless and not a benzo in sight. Didn't go in that first day and was told not to come back.. so lesson learnt there.

However, if you do have your head screwed on then I think it's fine.. we're all gonna leave this world at some point.. might aswell have some fun before you go!

My limits are to never touch heroin, crack or meth though. No offence to anyone who does them; I just don't trust myself trying them.
 
Thanks Jetamine.

I've decided that I'm either going to use and just enjoy it or not use at all. What's the point in using but then torturing myself about my using? I think I need to reach a state of equlibrium. I feel massively unbalanced at the moment. Part of the problem is just having too much time on my hands. My client hasn't given me any work for weeks. I should have been using that time productively, in particular to focus on a novel I'm writing. I've been through periods of having a lot of free time (between jobs) before but I used the time well, exercising every day, writing and studying languages. But this time I've gone off the rails. I hope I can stabilise.

I do love taking drugs. After so many years of suffering terrible depression, anxiety and OCD it's just so nice to feel good for a change. However, obviously I realise that using drugs too much will make these problems worse. Ideally I would like to be a true recreational user. Maybe a couple of grams of coke once a month, a couple of oxys once a month and rolling on MDMA every few months. Although that level of drug use may not be good for me, I could feel ok about it I think. But recently I've been using much more than that.

I'm going to try to make the 2g of coke I just bought last for a much longer while than the 8.5g I binged my way through last week. At least that will show me I have some level of will power and control when dealing with drugs. I never would have bought the coke if I hadn't been high on Oxy. I think that's common behaviour isn't it, people will often go searching for coke once they've had a few drinks, because judgement becomes so impaired.

I wouldnt touch heroin, crack or meth either. As you said, no offence to people that use them but I don't trust myself with those drugs at all.

I'll be going to a foreign country for 2-3 months very soon. It's a place I 100% won't have access to drugs of any kind so I won't be using then at all. Hopefully that will help me pull myself together.

I really appreciate the support of everyone posting in this thread.
 
Of course I kinda feel like a fuck up for using heroin the past couple years or so cause it's fucked up my money, relationships with people, and how I see myself overall. When I was only smoking weed and drinking alcohol back in 2010-2012, I did not feel too much of a fuck up unless I was caught by my parents or something
 
Stringer_Bell said:
Thanks Jetamine.

I've decided that I'm either going to use and just enjoy it or not use at all. What's the point in using but then torturing myself about my using? I think I need to reach a state of equlibrium. I feel massively unbalanced at the moment. Part of the problem is just having too much time on my hands. My client hasn't given me any work for weeks. I should have been using that time productively, in particular to focus on a novel I'm writing. I've been through periods of having a lot of free time (between jobs) before but I used the time well, exercising every day, writing and studying languages. But this time I've gone off the rails. I hope I can stabilise.

I do love taking drugs. After so many years of suffering terrible depression, anxiety and OCD it's just so nice to feel good for a change. However, obviously I realise that using drugs too much will make these problems worse. Ideally I would like to be a true recreational user. Maybe a couple of grams of coke once a month, a couple of oxys once a month and rolling on MDMA every few months. Although that level of drug use may not be good for me, I could feel ok about it I think. But recently I've been using much more than that.

I'm going to try to make the 2g of coke I just bought last for a much longer while than the 8.5g I binged my way through last week. At least that will show me I have some level of will power and control when dealing with drugs. I never would have bought the coke if I hadn't been high on Oxy. I think that's common behaviour isn't it, people will often go searching for coke once they've had a few drinks, because judgement becomes so impaired.

I wouldnt touch heroin, crack or meth either. As you said, no offence to people that use them but I don't trust myself with those drugs at all.

I'll be going to a foreign country for 2-3 months very soon. It's a place I 100% won't have access to drugs of any kind so I won't be using then at all. Hopefully that will help me pull myself together.

I really appreciate the support of everyone posting in this thread.
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I am in the same position. I'm in between university years, I'll be going back in September.. until then I've got nothing to do, so like yourself I tend to over do it sometimes. Once I get my routine back I know I'll shape up though.

I also suffer with anxiety, whether this is the reason for me choosing to do drugs I'm unsure? Maybe, maybe not..

I have gone off MDMA big time now. I only enjoy doing coke occasionally and maybe a psychedelic once a year as they hit me hard, but in a good way.
 
I realised that one reason I don't feel that bad about using drugs is that when I'm completely sober I'm often suffering from crushing depression and anxiety. So I'm not fucking up my life because I don't have that much to lose. I've seriously considered ending my life at my lowest points (at times I wasn't using any drugs or alcohol or smoking cigarettes). My depression is chronic and not responsive to medication (I've been through dozens of different anti-depressants). I love taking drugs so it's nice for me to have something in my life which I truly enjoy. That's why I don't want to give up altogether. At the same time I realise that, if abused, drugs are guaranteed to take me to a very dark place.

I hope that over the next few weeks I can equilibriate and figure a way to incorporate occasional drug use into my life in a way that has minimal negative impact. If I can't do that then I have to stop completely.

But I'm not going to use drugs and just sit around thinking about what a f*ck up I am, feeling guilty because that way of thinking does no good and the suffering it causes is probably as bad as the negative physical effects directly caused by using drugs.
 
If you're only doing a psychedelic once a year and coke occasionally, it sounds like your drug use is minimal and you really have nothing to worry about? Or are you using anything else?
 
My girlfriend is a heroin user she been doing drugs since she was 15 pills and weed to shooting up her longest time clean was about 7 months and she relapsed and we sent her to a treatment facility in Florida(NOT THAT ONE YOU SEE ON THE COMMERCIALS) she came back and within a few weeks she used again, she has nearly died twice from heroin overdoses. I found out more recently shes been using even though I though she was clean. Now I'm sitting at an impasse because I truly do love her but i don't know if i can keep doing this forever. I don't see her stopping anytime soon, she has no problem lying to me to protect her addiction. Im not a controlling boyfriend but I don't know who she talks to or where she goes. I just don't know what to do anymore I feel like I'm gonna find her one day to late and she will be dead on the floor and I know I can't handle that it would drive me crazy straight to a padded room can someone give me advice.
 
Ultimately you can't make her quit Johndoe401, she has to want it. Maybe you threatening to leave and promising to help her try and get clean will be enough, but unfortunately I doubt it.

She is risking her life, your fears are justified, I could happen.

If you can't live with that, then I don't know what you can do except leave. You can try and help, offer to help her get clean and find ways to help her cope with life without drugs. But the truth is she may simply not be ready to do that. And if she's not, all you can do is either leave, or live with the possibility she may wind up killing herself. How likely it is that she will wind up dead is impossible for me to say.
 
I like you got a great source that redefined cocaine quality for me.
When I began in april I would do a half gram and feel like I was doing too much etc.
Now I'll do a ball all by myself, in a 8-14 hour period.

But I only do that 1-2 days a week maximum and I take breaks now.
IME the whole addiction thing fades after few days, it's when your using it constantly that things become harder.
I can't just do a few lines and be good I take things to the abyss which takes allot out of me and need time to rest.
I don't take other drugs to come down and I don't let the side effects like anxiety and depression get the best of me, I know it's because of the coke and that it will fade. I usually just eat a huge meal and veg out until I fall asleep.

But quality has everything to do with it as I used another person's batch once and it was absolute garbage that was very weak and the come down, and days after were unbelievably rough. However I also am not kidding myself on the levamisole issue anymore, as no matter how good the quality is, it's is most likely in there.

I was addicted to opiates and imo (and I could be very wrong) there is really no comparison in the level of addiction. I would feel very much like a fuck up if I relapsed on opiates, because I very much fucked up my life on them, but almost every other drug is a cakewalk in comparison with the exception of meth. I don't smoke crack and I don't shoot coke. There is a level with insufflation where you can't get anything more. My nose just says no, and I would like to keep it working so just tread with caution.
 
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To be very honest, I never thought of this when I was at my peak. I felt like I was doing myself a favor by not feeling all the shit that was going on with my life. looking back at those days.. yes I somewhat feel like I was a big loser for fucking up so much and not going through life where I should be doing the right things.. My last recovery was good and my life right now is impressive, got a good job at least even if I hate it sometimes, got a bf who's such a saint, a family that never fails to support me specially my dad and a few trusted friends I can depend on.
 
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