I came into drugs late, say in my 30's.
Others say I am highly intelligent and was seen as bright at school, but I had a bizzare upbringing where my parents did not want me to grow up.
There was a lot of abuse and I only realised lately at age 45 that my parents had stunted me possibly deliberately.
I must have been so badly stunted, I wasn't even aware of the fact that I was stunted.
I was like a lost sheep in the world, highly intelligent in the school classroom, but a dummy in the school playground.
I had no zest for life and was far too easily intimidated just by the fist sign of annoyance in another person.
When it came to psychedelics I resented the fact that emotionally unstable people should leave well alone, as they could miss out on the healing properties of respectfully used, psychedelics.
I knew really strongly that i needed to mature, so the world was a manageable place, and I thought the healing element of these drugs could help me catch up on decades of lost emotional development.
Conservative use of these drugs in a solitary setting with introspective intent (going with the flow and letting whatever comes up to come up.
Importantly I was made aware of the sheer pain my own parents felt, I was more creative, and my solitary trips helped me begin the slow process of emotional healing.
I looked up online, the things that came up in my trips, things about geometry, energy, etc, etc, and much of my experiences, particularly shrooms was described eloquently by people describing their DMT trips.
This prompted me to read up on DMT a lot and I learnt loads of stuff just by reading about it.
I also read online negative experiences with DMT.
Still, being emotionally fragile from deep and pervasive wounds, I just ruled DMT out of the question as I was sure my mind "could not take it", and I resented this bitterly, because why should something that wasnt my fault (abuse) stop me from experiencing a much more richer and meaningful world?
They say DMT has to come to you, other wise you are not ready for it.
I don't know if this is true, I just read it online.
DMT came to me the first time, but I turned it down for reasons above.
A few years later, during an emotionally hard time, it came to me again.
I told the people I was with about my concerns, but as I trusted them 100% and felt totally comfy in the environment I was in, I knew I would be in safe hands if anything went wrong.
I also told them that while I was concerned about bad experiences, DMT has crossed my path once before and I ended up deciding to go for it as I had questions that needed answering because I was hungry to learn.
Anyway, we did it in a waterbong. Another person held the bong and lit it, and then told me to lie back.
I was on a comfortable bed in a van with some others at a rainy summer solstice celebration.
I lied back and tried to go with the flow like in mushrooms where you are tense and uncomfortable on the comeup but you know that just 'sitting there on the ride' will relax you.
I just could not go with it though. I had closed eye visuals, like acid, rows and columns of a colourful motif, escher style, but my body felt undescribably awful.
I told the others I was glad it was only a short trip because I felt 'awful physically' not sick, not aching, but a wierd tense claustrophobic experience.
I didn't go off to any other places, in fact I panicked and had to get outside.
My friend and me sat on the step and she held me until it wore off.
I looked across the countryside which looked like some giant moving geometric painting.
I don't know why I didn't breakthrough, maybe I didn't get enough of the vapour?
It just seems odd that DMT has crossed my path twice, yet when I did try it, I didn't breakthrough.
I said at the time that I wont do it again, but I think/hope I will, sometime in the future as I need that emotional leg-up to make life more meaningful and to become a productive member of society, who makes a difference, instead of a nervous wreck of a child stuck inside an adults body.
Others say I am highly intelligent and was seen as bright at school, but I had a bizzare upbringing where my parents did not want me to grow up.
There was a lot of abuse and I only realised lately at age 45 that my parents had stunted me possibly deliberately.
I must have been so badly stunted, I wasn't even aware of the fact that I was stunted.
I was like a lost sheep in the world, highly intelligent in the school classroom, but a dummy in the school playground.
I had no zest for life and was far too easily intimidated just by the fist sign of annoyance in another person.
When it came to psychedelics I resented the fact that emotionally unstable people should leave well alone, as they could miss out on the healing properties of respectfully used, psychedelics.
I knew really strongly that i needed to mature, so the world was a manageable place, and I thought the healing element of these drugs could help me catch up on decades of lost emotional development.
Conservative use of these drugs in a solitary setting with introspective intent (going with the flow and letting whatever comes up to come up.
Importantly I was made aware of the sheer pain my own parents felt, I was more creative, and my solitary trips helped me begin the slow process of emotional healing.
I looked up online, the things that came up in my trips, things about geometry, energy, etc, etc, and much of my experiences, particularly shrooms was described eloquently by people describing their DMT trips.
This prompted me to read up on DMT a lot and I learnt loads of stuff just by reading about it.
I also read online negative experiences with DMT.
Still, being emotionally fragile from deep and pervasive wounds, I just ruled DMT out of the question as I was sure my mind "could not take it", and I resented this bitterly, because why should something that wasnt my fault (abuse) stop me from experiencing a much more richer and meaningful world?
They say DMT has to come to you, other wise you are not ready for it.
I don't know if this is true, I just read it online.
DMT came to me the first time, but I turned it down for reasons above.
A few years later, during an emotionally hard time, it came to me again.
I told the people I was with about my concerns, but as I trusted them 100% and felt totally comfy in the environment I was in, I knew I would be in safe hands if anything went wrong.
I also told them that while I was concerned about bad experiences, DMT has crossed my path once before and I ended up deciding to go for it as I had questions that needed answering because I was hungry to learn.
Anyway, we did it in a waterbong. Another person held the bong and lit it, and then told me to lie back.
I was on a comfortable bed in a van with some others at a rainy summer solstice celebration.
I lied back and tried to go with the flow like in mushrooms where you are tense and uncomfortable on the comeup but you know that just 'sitting there on the ride' will relax you.
I just could not go with it though. I had closed eye visuals, like acid, rows and columns of a colourful motif, escher style, but my body felt undescribably awful.
I told the others I was glad it was only a short trip because I felt 'awful physically' not sick, not aching, but a wierd tense claustrophobic experience.
I didn't go off to any other places, in fact I panicked and had to get outside.
My friend and me sat on the step and she held me until it wore off.
I looked across the countryside which looked like some giant moving geometric painting.
I don't know why I didn't breakthrough, maybe I didn't get enough of the vapour?
It just seems odd that DMT has crossed my path twice, yet when I did try it, I didn't breakthrough.
I said at the time that I wont do it again, but I think/hope I will, sometime in the future as I need that emotional leg-up to make life more meaningful and to become a productive member of society, who makes a difference, instead of a nervous wreck of a child stuck inside an adults body.
