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Divorce

I am keeping the house and everything in it. The mortgage is in my name and his name is on the deed. I can easily handle the finances as I have for the 7 years we were together. He asked to take the guest bed and dresser. He will be living with his brother. I already removed his name from our joint checkings which he never uses. I removed my name from all credit card/retail cards as a secondary card holder. I removed him from any cards I added him as a secondary user and cut up his cards. As for the guns and ATV, he can sell em...he is going to need the money. My life stays the same....just without him.

I want him to find what the happiness and fulfillment he is looking for. I will not compromise myself and give him a child.
He has the tough job of starting completely over and finding a baby momma.
 
PI, you are incredible and smart and very sexy. You will have no problem finding someone else. I did the same, although I never had my husband on my accounts in the first place and never changed my name, so I didn't change much other than not having him around. I think you might actually feel relieved if things were going in that direction and you weren't happy. I felt like a failure and sad and I really didn't want to hurt him, but he was a child who expected me to be something I was not and did not support me, so I was relieved for him to go. That's how I knew I made the right decision.
 
I was very happy with him. He is a wonderful man. He asked me about 3 weeks ago if I was sure that I didn't want children. I said I am solid in that choice. He said it has been on his mind for months but was afraid to say it aloud. He feels that he is not living the life he wants. He needs a child. He said he wanted to be sure, Friday night I came home from work and said I was tired of waiting on him to be sure. Make a choice because I cannot pretend our lives are on the same path anymore. There is no turning back. Even if he leaves for 6 months and changes his mind, I am no longer an option. There would always be that nagging thought that he came back because he was scared and that he might leave again. This is the right decision. It is heartbreaking but I have to let him go.

I did the shared accounts thing at first to piggyback him to improve his credit score. Then it was a requirement for immigration as proof of marriage. I changed my name for that and he comes from a great family and I adore them. There are no longer conditions on my green card however I am going to keep his name to keep it simple. I do like it better than my maiden name. The divorce will not impact my immigration status except becoming a US citizen and I have no interest in that.

He said to me that I will find another man who has the same child free travel often attitude. I told him I wasn't worried about that as I will have no problem. Seriously, look at me. I am awesome ;) Besides, I have never thought having a man completes me. It can be the icing on the cake. At least it was with him. I am not sure if I will ever have what I had with him but I also believe we can have many great loves in a lifetime.

It is a pisser that filing for divorce has to wait 6 months. I am not telling my family what is going on until he moves out. It is hard enough for me around our shared friends and it has only been 2 days.
 
PI, sorry. I didn't realize my PM box is full. If you want to resend, go ahead.

Yeah, I know I made the right decision too. I went about it all wrong, but I know I could not live with no ambition and someone who "refused to get school loans and let me stop working." Umm, yeah buddy.

Telling family *is* hard. I hated that part. I never really talked about it with anyone, but he told everyone what happened. I kinda got along with his family, but he wrote me this really heart-felt letter that was totally from the heart and poured out his emotions. I kept it, but it suddenly went missing. I think his mom told him to get it back, because I could use it in the divorce, which was stupid, because I was the one who had everything. He was a huge momma's boy, and that didn't help situations. So basically, he went into my house at some point and stole back the letter. I was pissed about that too.

There is a chance he will come back. They always do, at least in my experience. If you are awesome (and, let's face it, you are), they realize they did something stupid, but yeah, I'm like you. Once you dump or leave me and I lose that spark, you'll never get me back ever.
 
After a long talk this evening, we are not getting divorced. He was trying to think of grand changes that might possibly make him feel less anxious. Things that were missing from his life. He had a massive bout of depression and anxiety from July-Sept and is getting back on track. He has a lot of conflicting shit happening in his head. I feel for him. I also need to be more supportive and listen to him. I can be a clinical bitch as that is my defensive mechanism when I see something I cannot fix nor control...like his anxiety.


I was going to delete my posts but I think I will leave them here. The only people I told was Bluelight and one friend.

Ahhh I am going to sleep well for the first time in weeks and not wake up feeling empty :)
 
Perpetual Indulgence said:
After a long talk this evening, we are not getting divorced. He was trying to think of grand changes that might possibly make him feel less anxious. Things that were missing from his life. He had a massive bout of depression and anxiety from July-Sept and is getting back on track. He has a lot of conflicting shit happening in his head. I feel for him. I also need to be more supportive and listen to him. I can be a clinical bitch as that is my defensive mechanism when I see something I cannot fix nor control...like his anxiety.


I was going to delete my posts but I think I will leave them here. The only people I told was Bluelight and one friend.

Ahhh I am going to sleep well for the first time in weeks and not wake up feeling empty :)
Click to expand...

i detach myself from situations before i can get hurt. it makes being in a relationship a wee tricky because i am inclined to leave as opposed to addressing problems. i also become very cold and distant if i feel threatened. it makes being in a relationship with me rather hard.

i wish you both the best while you figure out where to go from here <3
 
Thank you so much. I am relieved that I only told the BL and one friend so I don't have to tell people...we are back on track with making it work!
I feel lighter this morning and know that we will be together til death as planned. He has a lot of psychological shit to slog thru and he will do it. Every week is better and I am going to ensure that I remain emotionally supportive instead of distant.
 
Good for you, PI! He made the right choice!

There's nothing wrong with being clinical and analytic. You didn't get where you are now for being an emo mess who didn't think with her brain. You can be supportive, but you don't have to let go of the thing that got you to the point of being awesome. ;)

Good for you.
 
Honestly, if he feels the same way in a year about children (not chemically imbalanced) then I know we have given it the best we could and he could feel better about crushing my heart into a million pieces. Besides, there are unfinished projects around here that I would have to hire a handy man to do :) I might be back posting my lament. I am a guarded optimist and I also have work to do on myself during this time.
 
Food for thought: I never wanted to have children. They seemed like way too much work, and like I'd lose my own life after I had them. Now I have one child (and my wife and I are out of time to have more). I can't imagine what my life would have been like without my child in it. Words cannot describe. People say, "You never look back" after you have a child. I always thought that meant that your life changes so much you won't recognize it. But what it really means is that you would never WANT your old life back again. All you want is your new life, and to be devoted to raising your family.

If you know 100% you will never want children, then make that clear to your husband, and follow your instinct. (And this may ultimately lead to your breaking up one day.) But if you are only 90% sure you don't want them, and you know you will be healthy enough to have a child and raise him or her, then go for it despite your fears. There is nothing I've experienced in my long and varied life that compares to this experience.
 
I made it clear that I had no interest in children at the beginning of our 7 year relationship. He was neutral.

He is leaving in 2 weeks. Getting stuff sorted. We can file for divorce in 6 months as we do not have children. He is going back to his home state to live with his brother or his parents...I don't know.

I knew this would happen. I hoped it wouldn't. A weight has been lifted that he finally man'd up after me asking him last night. The heaviness has been replaced by different feelings.

So what is next for those who have gone through this?

He has a small financial list which includes health care he wishes me to take care of over the next 12 months. He would like to take the spare bed, a chair, and all his tools/landscape equipment. If I agree to this he plans to file no fault divorce and that will be it. If I don't ,there is an underlying threat that he will sue me for palimony and let the court decide what I owe him. Everything we have I paid for. EVERYTHING. I make 3 times his salary. The mortgage is in my name but his name is on the deed. The way I see it he came in with nothing he should leave with nothing but Virginia is a 50/50 state and he definitely does not see it this way.

If we both sign off on something, does that hold up in a court of law?
Do I need a notary? Do I need a lawyer to draft this up?
 
Perpetual Indulgence said:
I made it clear that I had no interest in children at the beginning of our 7 year relationship. He was neutral.

He is leaving in 2 weeks. Getting stuff sorted. We can file for divorce in 6 months as we do not have children. He is going back to his home state to live with his brother or his parents...I don't know.

I knew this would happen. I hoped it wouldn't. A weight has been lifted that he finally man'd up after me asking him last night. The heaviness has been replaced by different feelings.

So what is next for those who have gone through this?

He has a small financial list which includes health care he wishes me to take care of over the next 12 months. He would like to take the spare bed, a chair, and all his tools/landscape equipment. If I agree to this he plans to file no fault divorce and that will be it. If I don't ,there is an underlying threat that he will sue me for palimony and let the court decide what I owe him. Everything we have I paid for. EVERYTHING. I make 3 times his salary. The mortgage is in my name but his name is on the deed. The way I see it he came in with nothing he should leave with nothing but Virginia is a 50/50 state and he definitely does not see it this way.

If we both sign off on something, does that hold up in a court of law?
Do I need a notary? Do I need a lawyer to draft this up?
Click to expand...

I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I don't really know you aside from reading posts here and there over the past 6 years but I still feel for you. A lot of people let divorce turn them bitter, try not to let that happen, you seem like a nice person. I can't say that this situation will necessarily end well but I'm certain plenty of other blessings will pop up in your life to make up for it :)
 
Definitely get a lawyer to draw things up, even if you end up splitting the costs. That way you are safe from your husband changing his mind down the track. I can't say what the law is in the States but here in Australia there is a 12 month "cooling off" period where any divorce papers can be contested. Best advise is give him as many of the petty pocessions he wants, after all most things like this loose value over time. Nothing better than a new television or lawn mower.
 
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Perpetual Indulgence said:
I made it clear that I had no interest in children at the beginning of our 7 year relationship. He was neutral.

He is leaving in 2 weeks. Getting stuff sorted. We can file for divorce in 6 months as we do not have children. He is going back to his home state to live with his brother or his parents...I don't know.

I knew this would happen. I hoped it wouldn't. A weight has been lifted that he finally man'd up after me asking him last night. The heaviness has been replaced by different feelings.

So what is next for those who have gone through this?

He has a small financial list which includes health care he wishes me to take care of over the next 12 months. He would like to take the spare bed, a chair, and all his tools/landscape equipment. If I agree to this he plans to file no fault divorce and that will be it. If I don't ,there is an underlying threat that he will sue me for palimony and let the court decide what I owe him. Everything we have I paid for. EVERYTHING. I make 3 times his salary. The mortgage is in my name but his name is on the deed. The way I see it he came in with nothing he should leave with nothing but Virginia is a 50/50 state and he definitely does not see it this way.

If we both sign off on something, does that hold up in a court of law?
Do I need a notary? Do I need a lawyer to draft this up?
Click to expand...

i am sorry to hear things ended up not working out :(

i would definitely get a lawyer. it sounds cruel but you can afford one and i don't think he can. so you might as well protect yourself. i've seen too many couples divorce where the income isn't remotely even and the poorer spouse (divorcee) usually makes out pretty well. is it really worth fighting over inconsequential items when you might end up owing him monies every month?
 
we are trying to go to the friendly and easy route

lawyer appt tomorrow to aid in the drafting of a separation agreement that will not be contested in the divorce papers filed 6 months from now. He isn't out to hose me although he could by law he is entitled to 50% of assets. Our discussion tonight ended up with some fuckin loser you selfish woman then apologizing and going back to the easiest cheapest way.

this shit sucks shit
it is anger coming from sadness
 
^ oh sweetie, im sorry to hear you guise couldnt reconcile. you gave it everything you had, thats all anyone can do. <3

the only word of wisdom i have (due to currently going down this path, myself) is that it does get ugly; BUT there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you really start to like yourself more as an individual. surround yourself in good company and revisit things that you adore that youve forgotten about. its ok to have a mini meltdown, because from the bottom, the only way is up.

if you need a friend to talk with, were all a simple pm away. <3

...kytnism...:|
 
Ive been through 2 divorces and 3 marriages as a child.
My real father was an asshole and still is, they divorced when me and my brothers were very young, ages 6, 4 and infant. My little brother wasnt effected by the divorce and i wasnt much either. my older brother began to grow very quiet and remained that way until recently it seems. I know from it me and my brothers attach to love very easily...i feel since we never had the love of our father we seek it from others which is sad cuz we have all 3 been in the most shitty worthless relationships but we stay in it as long as possible cuz we're love sick i think. through out my whole life my mom and real dad have been off and on trying to stay together for the kids apparently. it was awful, my brothers and i always felt in the middle of things. we use to go to our room when theyd fight and talk about it with eachother about things that were happening cuz we felt it was our fault sometimes. in my opinon its better to leave your marriage if youre unhappy with it and if youre fighting a lot, especially with kids involved. you definetly should try to remain on good terms with your babbies momma your daughter will benefit from i think to see her parents still get along even though they arent togehter anymore.

my moms second marriage/divorce effected me the most cuz i looked to this man as my father, when my mom told me they were splitting up i tried to hold it back but it did effect me a lot.

i feel im a stronger person for getting through all this, it was also very damaging in other ways. i feel i did learn how to love though. and watching my parents and their mistakes in relationship i have learned what works and what doesnt for a healthy relationship.

reassure your daughter that none of this is because of her because naturally the children are who are effected the most, sadly :/

i hope all goes well for you. be wise about your choices. im very happy to hear that the court isnt getting involved
 
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