Dislocation(please critque)

[Frosty da snowman]

So this is how it begins
It’s 2am and your staring death in the face
357
stainless
steel
polished
revolver
hammer cocked
and in your mouth
and now your screaming
breathing
screaming
breathing
but this doesn’t make any sense with your teeth clenched on steel
you squeeze, flinch genuflect
eyes bright and your tongue rips off
then you wake
get dressed
coffee and a bagel
lunch in a café
people watching with a chip on your shoulder
you laugh and think
maybe tonight I’ll load the gun
you chuckle to the Garson and say “maybe tonight it will be you”
walking away and smiling coolly
you fall in step behind tonight’s lover
Self destruction and espresso
Fading on your lips

 

[Furnace]

it was good.

graphic, but I think you could've gone longer with it.

that's just my opinion, tho.

 

[Raz]

I'm with Furnace...I think it was really good. Had a bit of an "American Psycho" thing to it with the quicksnap change from "hopeless suicide" to "nutso yuppie". I like lots.

I also agree that you could've stretched it out more...

--Raz--

 

[katmeow]

I'm in agreement on the length... would love more!!

I very much like the change in tone over the two halves.

Good stuff

 

[Chaotic Action Man]

it was unnerving, but that is a good thing. it breaks comfort zones.

 

[*c_ride*]

i like the duality (yuppie vs psycho as raz said). its good to know that when people are walking down the street in their versaci suits that they have the same fears and dreams as me, it brings them down to earth.

 

[Frosty da snowman]

I'm in agreement on the length... would love more!!

I very much like the change in tone over the two halves.

Good stuff

^^^ a little background on this for those of you who remarked on the length. I've gotten this a lot wherever i've possted or shown it. It started as a completly diffrent idea, and kinda turund into what it was. personally i've never really liked this one. it's allways reminded me that there are places in myself that i don't think i will ever fully understand.

but i thank u all for the crituiqes.

 

[plazma]

I have two words for this poem.

Fucking powerful.

You've got no small talent there Frosty, that's for sure.

-plaz out-

 

[grey kat]

Powerful stuff, very good, i think the length of adds a certain abrubtness which makes it more powerful

 

[Frosty da snowman]

^^^

I have two words for this poem.

Fucking powerful.

You've got no small talent there Frosty, that's for sure.

Thank u

 

[katmeow]

you fall in step behind tonight’s lover
Self destruction and espresso
Fading on your lips

So cool and methodical.

i still dig this piece.

 

[(Wordy)]

Nice.

Cheers for the bump, kat!