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discomfort is so fucking comfortable sometimes

onetwothreefour

onetwothreefour

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 13, 2002
Messages
14,382
Location
Melbourne, Australia
as usual, please feel free to critique this. this is pretty rough...still working on it, but i wanted some opinons. i liked the repeating things when i started, but i don't anymore. i'm not sure.

second draft
accuse me with your stare, please
an old end's a new beginning;
and it's as fresh as an unwashed stain

how did i get here; my subconscious
i'm losing its grip (or it's losing mine)
in time we all end up at the start

i'm on a diet of other people's thoughts
designed to fill this whole
but i've lost my way again

there's a blank wall, empty bin, some food
(i don't think this is where i live)
and it's not the life that i recognise


first draft
accuse me with your stare, please
an old end's a new beginning;
just as fresh as an unwashed stain

hit me
hit me
hit me

how did i get here; my subconscious
i'm losing its grip (or it's losing mine)
in time we all end up at the start
again

see me
see me
see me

my diet consists of other peoples' thoughts;
they're supposed to fill some hole
but i've lost my key, lost my spot
where was i?

help me
help me
help me

there's a blank wall, an empty bin, some food
i don't think this is where i live
this is not the life that i recognise
but there's one thing, still

i want out
i want out
i want out.
 
Last edited:
onetwothreefour said:

my diet consists of other peoples' thoughts;
they're supposed to fill some hole
but i've lost my key, lost my spot
where was i?

help me
help me
help me

there's a blank wall, an empty bin, some food
i don't think this is where i live
this is not the life that i recognise
but there's one thing, still

i want out
i want out
i want out.
Click to expand...


Oh how i relate to this one so well,,, outstanding....
 
This is actually a really nice piece of work, there's only one suggestion I'd make, and this is entirely just an asthetic thing that probably is a personal thing. But I find to leave it with one line, rather than a repetition leaves it with more punch, or more of a full stop. But this is probably just me. I've also experimented with the repetition, however I think your effort far surpasses what I ended up with.

Good work man.

-plaz-
 
^^^ no, i agree. it felt like a good idea at the start, but by the end it actually just felt sort of trite, and a little too pretentious for what i was hoping. i think i'm gonna give this a rewrite soon.

thanks for the comments guys :)
 
Hey I'd even suggest taking out completely the repetition bits .... itd read smoother. Its a soulful piece of work - i feel like i am falling into your words .... i guess i love that feeling so much that you evoke - that i like the straight continuation from one verse to another without the interlude :)
 
princess_kitti said:
Hey I'd even suggest taking out completely the repetition bits .... itd read smoother. Its a soulful piece of work - i feel like i am falling into your words .... i guess i love that feeling so much that you evoke - that i like the straight continuation from one verse to another without the interlude :)
Click to expand...
 
*bump*

Love this... the second draft in particular.

And I think this is a good example of feedback improving a piece of work. :)
 
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