I hate to ask a question that might be virtually impossible to answer, but I've had my mind wracked and perplexed with this since my very first meth experience. Of all the drugs I've ever tried, I still consider methamphetamine to have been the most disappointing. And I want to know what's wrong with either me or my drugs, because I've always been underwhelmed. The first time I touched it, I did a decent line. I felt no mood lift, but a strong body euphoria and the urge to talk. I don't exxagerate when I tell you that my initial reaction was "What's the big deal?" I was expecting my mind to be blown by this drug, to feel that ungodly euphoria everyone speaks of when they refer to its dangers and its addictive properties.
Instead, it was very, very underwhelming. Reminded me of ecstasy, but without all the smiling. That had me perplexed for a while, though I'd snort a little every once in a while when I couldn't get ahold of cocaine. But I was strictly wired on it. Like caffeine enhanced. Then a friend offered to teach me to smoke it one night. I thought for sure this would be what I had been looking for. That I would finally understand all the addicts and the fear and the reputation and get a rush that would terrify me with it's strength. And despite the tremendous hits I took, having my friend initially roll the pipe for me, I still felt nothing special. Now, the body euphoria was much, much more intense when smoked, and I enjoyed it. As far as a body high is concerned, it was God. But I've felt more mentally euphoric off of weed. I wanted that rush that is coke x 3, or whatever it is they say. I've snorted and smoked one unfortunate and unhealthy amount of meth since then, but the high's were never any less underwhelming. I think that's the reason I approached my use so casually and fearlessly afterwards, smoking a lot more frequently than I should have for a while. Around friends. It didn't feel risky because it never felt like anything other than what I would consider a light high. I learned to smoke properly and had dope from various different dealers, usually those of friends of mine. But still. The stuff never even compared to ex for me, much less quality cocaine. I'm sure I technically have to be getting the rush. I certainly do get sleepy after taking too many hits, and wouldn't that be the dopamine rush tiring me out eventually? But even if the dopamine is there, I swear to you that I do not feel it. It's like the euphoria I'm supposed to be feeling is blocked or something. It never has me smiling incessantly, never gives me confidence. Hell, just doesn't do what stimulants are supposed to. I started thinking it might be the result of a tolerance in general I had developed for stimulants, but nope. I got ahold of some good coke, did a huge rail, and WHAM! I was in heaven. Brain tingling, breathtaking euphoria. Everything I was accustomed to feeling, and expected to feel to an even greater extent on meth. But then I go back to the pipe and get the same confusing results.
Never seemed to get a cross-tolerance, either. Smoked almost every day for a good while with a couple of friends who had jumped on the bandwagon with me. And even when my tolerance for the drug became very evident and alarming, I could still get sober and go get totally blitzed on coke. And just like the first line after a long break. As if I hadn't been consistently using another drug that releases dopamine. It's like the meth doesn't even matter when it comes to my head. I can be wired like crazy and up for a couple of days, then do a line of cocaine and.. there it is. Suddenly I'm actually high and not just speedy. I swear this is the truth, and it drives me crazy that I've never been able to understand what my problem is. Someone else has had to experience this. It's ridiculous. I don't even feel an ex-like mental high from the seratonin to go with the body high. I'll be wired and talking, for sure, but I don't understand why because my mood remains perfectly normal. I feel no confidence, no "everything is alright", nothing at all that would take me out of character like coke does. To be completely honest, I think it levels me out a little bit. I can be ridiculously happy when I'm sober, grinning at everyone, and after the meth everything is pretty much "pleasant enough". Almost like a mood DROP. Kind of crazy, eh? And it's been the same since the beginning. There's energy and there's focus, but I feel that Adderall would probably get me to the same place. I've tried everything I can, and I can't figure out what it is that's preventing me from fully experiencing what is this allegedly most euphoric drug known to man. Any ideas at all would be very, very helpful. I want to understand the legitimate cause of this so that people will believe me when I insist that, for me, meth is not the stronger of the drugs.
Could it be I was getting nothing but terrible quality stuff throughout all those months? But no.. I've seen my best friend get scarily intense and egotistical off the stuff often, with this cartoonish full grin on his face the whole time he's rattling off. And though we'll do the same amount (and even though his tolerance is considerably higher. Years of use, sadly), I'll get frustrated and jealous trying to keep up with him and wondering how the heck I managed to snort my lines incorrectly. Why? Just why? Could the other side effects be overtaking the high, in my case? Forcing the euphoria to the background? I slowed down use after a while in consideration for my brain, but I was doing it for such a good while, so frequently, that cravings should have been inevitable. But nope.Not once have I craved it sober or drinking or otherwise. And yet I still find myself having cravings for cocaine, a drug I was much more careful with and did much less often, overall. But seems to make sense.. in an odd sort of way. How can you crave a euphoria you've never noticed? I'm going to give it up soon partly because my group is doing the same, but mainly because it seems ridiculous to suffer all the negative side effects of a drug that I even have to remind myself that I'm on, at times. I've sat at a table smoking with guys all night and then it suddenly comes to me that I'm wasting his dope, cause I have to think too hard about how I'd even know I were intoxicated if the pipe weren't right in front of me, letting me know I'd been smoking.
Instead, it was very, very underwhelming. Reminded me of ecstasy, but without all the smiling. That had me perplexed for a while, though I'd snort a little every once in a while when I couldn't get ahold of cocaine. But I was strictly wired on it. Like caffeine enhanced. Then a friend offered to teach me to smoke it one night. I thought for sure this would be what I had been looking for. That I would finally understand all the addicts and the fear and the reputation and get a rush that would terrify me with it's strength. And despite the tremendous hits I took, having my friend initially roll the pipe for me, I still felt nothing special. Now, the body euphoria was much, much more intense when smoked, and I enjoyed it. As far as a body high is concerned, it was God. But I've felt more mentally euphoric off of weed. I wanted that rush that is coke x 3, or whatever it is they say. I've snorted and smoked one unfortunate and unhealthy amount of meth since then, but the high's were never any less underwhelming. I think that's the reason I approached my use so casually and fearlessly afterwards, smoking a lot more frequently than I should have for a while. Around friends. It didn't feel risky because it never felt like anything other than what I would consider a light high. I learned to smoke properly and had dope from various different dealers, usually those of friends of mine. But still. The stuff never even compared to ex for me, much less quality cocaine. I'm sure I technically have to be getting the rush. I certainly do get sleepy after taking too many hits, and wouldn't that be the dopamine rush tiring me out eventually? But even if the dopamine is there, I swear to you that I do not feel it. It's like the euphoria I'm supposed to be feeling is blocked or something. It never has me smiling incessantly, never gives me confidence. Hell, just doesn't do what stimulants are supposed to. I started thinking it might be the result of a tolerance in general I had developed for stimulants, but nope. I got ahold of some good coke, did a huge rail, and WHAM! I was in heaven. Brain tingling, breathtaking euphoria. Everything I was accustomed to feeling, and expected to feel to an even greater extent on meth. But then I go back to the pipe and get the same confusing results.
Never seemed to get a cross-tolerance, either. Smoked almost every day for a good while with a couple of friends who had jumped on the bandwagon with me. And even when my tolerance for the drug became very evident and alarming, I could still get sober and go get totally blitzed on coke. And just like the first line after a long break. As if I hadn't been consistently using another drug that releases dopamine. It's like the meth doesn't even matter when it comes to my head. I can be wired like crazy and up for a couple of days, then do a line of cocaine and.. there it is. Suddenly I'm actually high and not just speedy. I swear this is the truth, and it drives me crazy that I've never been able to understand what my problem is. Someone else has had to experience this. It's ridiculous. I don't even feel an ex-like mental high from the seratonin to go with the body high. I'll be wired and talking, for sure, but I don't understand why because my mood remains perfectly normal. I feel no confidence, no "everything is alright", nothing at all that would take me out of character like coke does. To be completely honest, I think it levels me out a little bit. I can be ridiculously happy when I'm sober, grinning at everyone, and after the meth everything is pretty much "pleasant enough". Almost like a mood DROP. Kind of crazy, eh? And it's been the same since the beginning. There's energy and there's focus, but I feel that Adderall would probably get me to the same place. I've tried everything I can, and I can't figure out what it is that's preventing me from fully experiencing what is this allegedly most euphoric drug known to man. Any ideas at all would be very, very helpful. I want to understand the legitimate cause of this so that people will believe me when I insist that, for me, meth is not the stronger of the drugs.
Could it be I was getting nothing but terrible quality stuff throughout all those months? But no.. I've seen my best friend get scarily intense and egotistical off the stuff often, with this cartoonish full grin on his face the whole time he's rattling off. And though we'll do the same amount (and even though his tolerance is considerably higher. Years of use, sadly), I'll get frustrated and jealous trying to keep up with him and wondering how the heck I managed to snort my lines incorrectly. Why? Just why? Could the other side effects be overtaking the high, in my case? Forcing the euphoria to the background? I slowed down use after a while in consideration for my brain, but I was doing it for such a good while, so frequently, that cravings should have been inevitable. But nope.Not once have I craved it sober or drinking or otherwise. And yet I still find myself having cravings for cocaine, a drug I was much more careful with and did much less often, overall. But seems to make sense.. in an odd sort of way. How can you crave a euphoria you've never noticed? I'm going to give it up soon partly because my group is doing the same, but mainly because it seems ridiculous to suffer all the negative side effects of a drug that I even have to remind myself that I'm on, at times. I've sat at a table smoking with guys all night and then it suddenly comes to me that I'm wasting his dope, cause I have to think too hard about how I'd even know I were intoxicated if the pipe weren't right in front of me, letting me know I'd been smoking.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
