Desperation- critique and criticize

[PoetessAurora]

And I feel it creep deep, deep within my bones
A need to be lost yet found again and again
That never prevailing want for a lover and a fighter
Swimming across a vast moment devoid of thought
Where to will this mystery someone go
I know not, still my heart finds assurance
In the emptiness, the chasm of time and space
Breathing room, I’ve currently obtained
Albeit console and sanctuary is all I seek

 

[.dR spgeddi]

this line

Where to will this mystery someone go

is a little hard to read.

the piece is quite ponderous, that is.. i enjoyed philosophising over your meaning, and the meaning of relationships.
i always read your subs... but this didnt grab me like some of your other poems. i like when you tell a story.

 

[PoetessAurora]

And I feel it creep deep, deep within my bones
A need to be lost yet found again and again
That never prevailing want for a lover and a fighter
Swimming across a vast moment devoid of thought
Where will this mystery someone go
I know not, still my heart finds assurance
In the emptiness, the chasm of time and space
Breathing room, I’ve currently obtained
Albeit console and sanctuary is all I seek


Better or worse?

 

[Altered_Soul9]

Better, I really like this piece. Nice

 

[.dR spgeddi]

uh huh!
a mystery someone... i was reading it wrongly too.
i was trying to read mystery, someone...
mystery as a noun. my bad... sorry.