Depression setting in

Thank you all truly, herby I agree with you on the nature thing. It truly is one of the best healers of the mind, it's just so damn cold here. Yesterday was a little better, it's 3 am, no sleep tonight, too many thoughts for that.
 
I went to the woods 3 times its like like -25C, didnt dress properly. It did help though. Very calming. Wish I was there now
 
I tried committing suicide (car in the garage bit) and I was pissed when I woke up in the hospital. The ex wife found me. I couldn't even off myself without fucking it up. I saw an interesting documentary eons ago about people who had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and lived and I remember many of them said the moment they jumped they regretted it. I'm not sure I feel the same way :\ I almost went through with jumping off the Tappan Zee Bridge (going as far as driving there) but I wasn't sure that I was that committed to my own demise. There are suicide crisis hotlines on the side of the road but I came to that decision on my own. I'll gladly drive out of my way 40 miles to avoid crossing the Sunshine Skyway Bridge. No need to tempt fate.
 
Last edited:
It's really hitting me hard, every morning I wake up and wonder why. Why am I still here, I've watched friends die, much better people than i, much more deserving of life, but here I am. I think about death every day, no matter how hard I try.

Every good feeling is perverted into a dark despair, nothing feels worthwhile, and I remember years ago, a dirty alleyway, and I'm standing there with a man holding a gun to my head, deal gone wrong, and me begging him to end it, to pull the trigger, and the fear in his eyes. I wish he had ended it that day, I certainly deserved it.

And some days i think, maybe he did, and this is my hell. My punishment for the things I've done. I truly don't know anymore, I don't know what to believe. And I'm so God damn tired.
I get what you mean by 'this is my hell' . I feel every day is a constant battle but like others have already said we don't know what the future holds. Try to keep the hope that things will improve.
 
I was told......Live in the moment, try to find ways to cope for the day/hour/minute....don't project into the future too far. Take it slow.
 
Feel like hell today, massive sinus pressure, feels like someone beat the he'll out of me, haven't been sleeping well either. Been coping, by using distractions, wish I knew better coping mechanisms.
 
BP, have you ever tried meditation? I've been using it for quite some time to empty my head of urges, cravings, mood swings and depression. It really does help me in the moment at least come to grips with what I feeling instead of burying it and numbing it.
 
I'm sorry to hear that, bp. Depression really sucks. I agree with Rangnarok that meditation might help but if that feels impossible (and in the midst of depression it may) you might try more accessible self-care things like listening to guided meditations (one resource:http://www.innerhealthstudio.com/meditation-scripts.html). I have also used guided meditations specifically for sleep on youtube.

Here is a poem that always helps me out:

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Mary Oliver
 
Top