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Depression setting in

Tubbs

Tubbs

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Sep 29, 2017
Messages
9,404
Location
Down the rabbit hole
It's really hitting me hard, every morning I wake up and wonder why. Why am I still here, I've watched friends die, much better people than i, much more deserving of life, but here I am. I think about death every day, no matter how hard I try.

Every good feeling is perverted into a dark despair, nothing feels worthwhile, and I remember years ago, a dirty alleyway, and I'm standing there with a man holding a gun to my head, deal gone wrong, and me begging him to end it, to pull the trigger, and the fear in his eyes. I wish he had ended it that day, I certainly deserved it.

And some days i think, maybe he did, and this is my hell. My punishment for the things I've done. I truly don't know anymore, I don't know what to believe. And I'm so God damn tired.
 
Not knowing what the future beholds is reason enough to keep breathing, continuing to put one foot in front of the other and existing. With all that's going on in the world, Aleppo, the Sudan, North Korea, being in the states and having the chance to turn it all around everyday is a blessing that is sometimes overlooked. Fate kept you alive in that alley and fate might have far more in store for you than you can comprehend right now. No one can guarantee things will get better, but no can guarantee they won't.
 
Thanks man, I'm really just venting more than anything. I really do feel this way but I wish I wasn't so fatalistic with things, I try to be positive but past experiences kind of push my mind toward bad thoughts.
 
You're not alone with this struggle, but take stock in the things you do have going for you. Your health, lack of terminal diseases, intelligence, a good IQ and a sense of humor that's more than evident across the boards. It's easy to take the fatalistic view. I have a 45 cal shell with a dented primer that reminds me of just how much I'd be missing out on if I would have ended everything.

Of course I would like a more complete and fulfilling life but I will gladly take what this life has to offer when I don't know if there's anything more after this time on a rock flying around a ball of super heated gas that has come together to allow life to exist. It's a shame it takes things like near death experiences to show us just how much we really have. I can't change what's already happened but i can make the best of what's left. Be it ten more minutes or 4 more decades. I owe it to the relatives that came before me to persevere and make the best of what has been given to me. I truly hope you decide to do the same BP <3

Please contact me when things seem truly bleak and you're despondent. Or you just want to vent. I'm at your service when ever you see fit to contact me.

Sincerely,

JA
 
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I feel you bptubbs. I've been there too. Do you have any psychiatric contact? If not it might be good to start one and see if you could be helped by some therapy or medications. It will get better even though it doesn't feel like it right now. You are as deserving to life as anyone, your mind tricks you to believing the opposite.

Tell me if I can do something for you, even though it's over the internet.

Rebel
 
For what it's worth, you're clearly a smart, kind person with a lot to offer, from what I've seen of you here. I'm glad you're a Bluelighter anyway. I'm sorry you're depressed... depression is so fucked up. My girlfriend is depressed, because of her past. One of my oldest friends has major clinical depression, he's been depressed to the point of wishing he could end it since he was 15. Every time I can't get ahold of him (like now) I worry he killed himself. And he, too, is a smart, great person with a lot to offer the world. I've been depressed myself, to the point where I wanted to die, but fortunately for me it was situational (bad relationship and resulting opiate addiction and destruction of self esteem), and once I ermoved the things that were causing it, it cleared up. I'm really fortunate that I had a good childhood.

Much love to everyone out there dealing with depression. <3
 
Have you tried 5 htp ? That stuff supprised me. I realized I was waking up and NOT wanting to kill myself every morning. My brain was messed up from drugs though. But it might help you. It sure supprised me . I stopped taking it because it's a little expensive.
But infact I have half a bottle I've been staring at , meaning to take em.. may as well start now . I'm feeling pretty low as well....
I hope you find your way bptubbs ❤️.
I hope you feel better soon .... I will send good positive vibes your way .
 
I'm so sorrytubbs that i didnt see this before going to bed last night . I've been ill as you know n reading hurt my eyes /head real bad.

Today's better. It's just the belly pain now.
As to your mood trouble-- yeah you Might benefit from a psych doc (ALL they do IS push the newest high dollar psych meds ) but I think you would Definitely benefit from a one on one counsellor. Here in Iowa they're usually just licensed social workers but being near a city you might have access to ones who've seeeeen some shit in their time and kinda know how to lead you Out of the dark spots instead of just sittin there while you ramble on for an hour.

At age 26 I was Horrendously sick with depression. I sent the kids to their father n tried twice to kill myself.
I survived for a Reason. That is how you have to look at all the rough stuff -- that you came out of it for a reason.

What helps now when the darkness tries to threaten me, is Getting outside my own head. This is not by the use of substances just by self talk. I remind myself there are 7 Billion ppl on the planet. Living lives of God knows what all horrors, many of them. I am well enuf (and advantageous enuf) that i can do something to help the world / ppl/ animals/ environment in whatever ways I can.

It ain't all About Me.
I'm a tiny part of it all but one that's meant to BE here ..... that's all I have to tell myself n things here start looking up.
I remember my mom.... dead now for 18 1/2 years but she's more real and alive to me now than EVER, because I hear her voice in.my voice. .. I see her mannerisms in myself my siblings my kids. She's gone but lives on.

Death is not something I'm afraid of at all. But it ain't anything to run towards, believe me.
You survived your horrors for a reason. I would love to see you go to college or join the army (if you believe in these institutions ).....


You have so very much to offer. I think you need to get real quiet and think : What have I got to offer this world? And start from there.
All my love.... you know I care.
PM anytime
 
Thank you. All of you, this is why I love this community, I know it's temporary, I kind of just drown myself in distractions like music, movies, and helping the wonderful people of bluelight. It keeps me going, it'll pass, it always does, just a particularly rough patch recently.
 
You're not alone. Similar things have happened to me and I've done some regretful actions. Try working out a lot. Just be active and busy with something. Weightlifting is the only thing keeping me sane these days.

I wish i had something smarter/better to say to help out you know, but I wish you the best.
 
I was thinkin about physical exercise too. To help get your mind split into more directions than just so much focus on the Darkness
(Which I know you can't help it at times). And it's fuckin winter. Short dark days long dark nights. ...

Years ago I met a REALLY stellar psychiatrist. I looked him up a cpl years ago for a relative of mine n the man was still in practice at the university of iowa. Anyway I had asked him : are most suicides in January? ? Seems they would be.

And (at that time) he said no
They were in March
Like ppl REALLY struggle and seem to be able to hang on thru the winters ..... and just before the spring, they can no longer hold on. That was one of the saddest things I had ever learned.
This was nearly 20 years past so keep in mind the current stats may vary.

Point being : do you walk to work? Or could you? At least on days its above zero out n not a Fuckin blizzard?
I've never gotten into vitamins myself but I have heard Extra vitamin D in the winter months can really make a difference in mood as well.

I'm just throwing out ideas.
But if you're thinkin of seeing a professional you may wanna start the search. Unless youre in immediate danger the wait to meet one is generally a couple months.

Stay good B
 
Walking to work would be a bad thing temptation wise, I live and work in bad neighborhoods. I am looking into a psychiatrist. I really do need to get back into working out, just haven't had the drive to do really anything lately.
 
^I'll have to look that book up.

bp, I value your presence here so much.<3 I also think it is quite natural to wonder how we are still here when so many good people around us are no longer. It's an unanswerable question though. Depression I have come to feel is just one more part of my lifestream. It comes and goes now and I used to be a person that said I've been sad but never depressed--so in a way it is new to me. It's a scary feeling because, unlike true sadness, there is no life in it. Sadness is about love. Depression is about hopelessness. I hope that yours lifts soon. Just make sure you are not feeding it with blaming thoughts aimed at yourself.

I've lived in cities and towns and out in the country and I know it is hard to find Mother Nature in cities, but that's my recommendation. Most urban areas have at least one great park. This is going to sound really silly and possibly crazy (=D) but see if you can't find a good old tree and lean yourself against it. Get to know it, think about what, throughout the history of your city, it has witnessed and survived. Trees are great healers but we usually just walk by them, occasionally appreciate their color or the shade they provide, but mostly we forget they are ancient living beings rooted in the same mess we are, though they are not the ones making it.
 
Just wanted to give you some love BP. <3
Hang in there. I hope this depression passes quickly for you.
You are important and cared for very much.
 
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