gorgoroth - it is possible a lot of ur anxiety/depression is actually due to benzo use
wen the benzos cease to 'work' u r most likely going thru rebound wds to some extent - and even being
on benzos (and opiates - like codeine, once ur past the 'high') can and
will make u depressed
jeez ive never bn depressed naturally in my life until i started suffering from benzo rebounds
also benzo wds (even the rebounds, for me at least) cause nausea (even vomitting)/stomach discomfort/extreme anxiety
theres no quick way of fixing that one, as u know
u hav to switch from watever ur on to the equivalent in diazepam and wean off diazepam (once ur stabilised on that) as fast as u feel u can
id never recommend going CT from any benzo
IMO that is wat is wrong with u - u can hav ur stomach checked for damage from aspirin use but it sounds too much like wat i go thru evry time i drop my dose of diazepam and id bet u thats wat it is
interestingly enough, benzos r terrible for ur liver/stomach (particularly diazepam) long term, esp at high doses
i hate them for wat theyve done to me and tbh i dont usually hate ppl.....but i can quite honestly say i genuinely hate the psych who put me on rivotril (clonazepam) 3 yrs ago, telling me if i took 2mg a day for the rest of my life id stop having seizures and id never suffer wd symptoms.....fucking asshole
anyway i am partly depressed/anxious due to the benzo wds/never managing to fully stabilise on my MMT due to issues with the benzos (diazepam 'masks' opiate wds), partly due to wat wud b termed 'circumstantial depression' and genuine reasons to b anxious (plus i hav GAD/PTSD)
since toward the end of last yr
- i relapsed on opiates after over a yr clean (i later relapsed on meth too)
- i was sexually assaulted by 30 - 40 gang members
- the man i was engaged to was found (by me) to b dealing drugs from my house, and wen we broke up he stalked me constantly....i am still grieving the man i thought he was
- my much-loved foal Bollinger (who i watched my mare Molly give birth to - a miracle id never witnessed before) died suddenly and went thru a lot of pain in the process....i still cant pass the paddock he was born in (where his grave is) without tears coming to my eyes, and wen i see dark brown foals for sale in horse magazines i feel this unexplained rage inside (i guess because Bolly was dark brown and id do anything to hav him back - id never sell him)
- my father, after reuniting with me after how many yrs of not talking to me (except via letter) because of my drug use, suddenly wrote my mother and i a letter saying he wanted nothing to do with either of us, that my bro was the only 'worthwhile' member of his immediate family.....that i was allowed to send him letters twice a year or so but he cudnt stand the sight of me (this is the noble man who beat me to a pulp wen i was growing up, for any excuse he cud come up with, whenever he cud)
- my gd friend (possibly my only friend left thats a true friend) is looking at doing time cos she got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, shoplifting (shes kind of a klepto) - only trouble is they also found a set of scales and drugs on her (and no shes not a dealer - she just frantically weighs all the baggies she buys to make sure shes not being 'done' but how do u explain that one???)
- due to the length of time its going to take to get off benzos/methadone then thru rehab and to get back into shape even pleasure-riding again (i havnt ridden a horse in months, another thing i grieve as i am accustomed to having ridden daily from the time i was a kid) i hav had to put my horse Maverick up for lease to a home where someone can campaign him properly to bring out the potential he has to go to the top in jumping (i will still b able to see him and dammit ill make sure he only goes to the best of homes but i feel like im losing a part of me - and i hate to think of someone else possibly achieving my olympic show-jumping dream, which is actually possible on a 9yo horse jumping 1.60m already)
yep us mods get down too (we wudnt b in TDS if we werent as broken as the rest of u) and im so down ive already had one nervous/psychotic breakdown, hav started self-harming (something i never dreamed id ever do) and started using meth again
im not one to sit back and do nothing about my BS tho - i am seeing a psychotherapist about the PTSD, starting CBT for my GAD and my depression soon, making sure i know to put my methadone up each time i drop my dose of diazepam, taking the meds i hate to take but am loopy without, attending drug counselling.....not much else i can do
but im not the old person i used to b
i always hurt easily but now the slightest flame on here towards me makes me think 'am i even worthy of being a mod on BL? after all i cant even type properly, and i dont come on enough anymore cos im too sick'
i cry more than i ever used to
physically, the stress is taking its toll too - ive always bn an asthmatic but now ive probly had more attacks this yr than ive had in the past 5yrs before the disasters started to strike, ive developed irritable bowel syndrome and fibromyalgia......ive bn catching a lot of bugs (and my immune system used to b excellent), etc
ive even started dissociating to the point where i black out and just dont remember wat ive bn doing
id never had depression before and i always used to think i wished i had depression rather than the crippling anxiety ive suffered from for so long but now ive bn thru both i can definitely say id take anxiety any day.....and trust me, if anyone knows about anxiety its me
ive experienced
- childhood phobias (which magically disappeared the day i finally faced my father as a young teen and told him id call the cops if he ever beat me again)
- drug-induced anxiety (meth comedowns, withdrawals from opiates/benzos/meth, bad trips etc)
- GAD
- complex PTSD
- panic disorder (has ftm disappeared after doing intensive CBT)
im not saying anxietys not absolutely awful and crippling.....but depression.....well its just like a hole that sucks u deeper and deeper and deeper until u feel like ur fighting for air and desperately clawing ur way to the surface
thats my experience anyway - maybe for others anxietys worse (ud hav to hav experienced both to truly know wat i mean tho), my experience was just that anxiety has bn so much easier to treat (and i dont mean with meds - im pretty anti-meds, esp since i was fucked over by Dr. Benzo)
but anyway, long post as usual
(thats the other reason im prone to anxiety/depression - i hav [currently untreated] ADHD)
kudos to u, d_p for coming up with this thread - fuck it was a great idea mate, as theres a lot of us here who can use the support
i was gathering up the strength to post in here for awhile, deciding whether it was exactly professional of me to let u all know the shit im going thru atm wen im one of the ppl moderating the forum.....but wat the hell, us mods r just
members who happen to prune the forum to keep it a desirable place for the rest of u to come (to the best of our abilities)
if u read all of that u deserve a medal
oh and toomuchpain, if u love valium, or any benzo i hope uve taken in my experience - believe me, if u think ur suffering now, it can get worse if u start regularly using benzos, i promise u
there r so much other more constructive ways to go about getting help than turning to a piece of shit drug like valium
it seems that a lot of the folks on here who have problem with benzo addiction have either been dishonest with or lied to their doctors, or str8 up self medicated with illegit drug. this is what im getting at- ppl need to work with their docs, be completely open and avoid seeking the quick easy fix
