malakaix
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2008
- Messages
- 3,054
I was originally going to post this in the Mental Health sub-forum, but as I started writing it out it seemed better suited to P&S even though it's a personal frustration.
I continually experience a very deep existential pain, one that I've been unable to reconcile.. only mitigate and rationalize my way out of but it's always there. Like a splinter in my mind.
This is hard for me to describe, and I've longed turned to philosophy to help me understand and manage my experience of it. But it doesn't matter how much I rationalize what I'm feeling I always feel at my core that I'm just telling myself a story to cope with the inherent absurdity of existence. I play the game of life and go along with been someone, involve myself in social issues, interact with people, tell myself that what I'm doing is meaningful and I'm working towards personal goals but it all just feels like a façade.
I can't take it seriously, and yet it's demanded of me. Nothing seems to matter, and yet it does.
I long came to the conclusion that it really comes down to a matter of perspective, circumstances change and with it so does ones outlook on life where they may find meaning and value in places they never would of expected, but BECAUSE it is a matter of perspective and that meaning and value is subjective at any given moment in time those circumstances can change and you may find yourself once again in the throes of existential despair.. there is just nothing concrete. It feels like building a house on sand.
And it's this perpetual free-fall that makes me want to just give up on giving a damn, as soon as I get to serious about anything in life it falls apart somehow.. almost as though to exemplify the transience of life. I'm usually a very optimistic person, and I often get to the end of writing a post like this and decide to delete it because I can just go and distract myself with a video game or TV show and my feelings on this subject disappear. But the fact that this arises with such ferocity when it does tells me there is something at the fundamental level that is deeply unsettled and is likely pervading through to everything in my life.
I continually experience a very deep existential pain, one that I've been unable to reconcile.. only mitigate and rationalize my way out of but it's always there. Like a splinter in my mind.
This is hard for me to describe, and I've longed turned to philosophy to help me understand and manage my experience of it. But it doesn't matter how much I rationalize what I'm feeling I always feel at my core that I'm just telling myself a story to cope with the inherent absurdity of existence. I play the game of life and go along with been someone, involve myself in social issues, interact with people, tell myself that what I'm doing is meaningful and I'm working towards personal goals but it all just feels like a façade.
I can't take it seriously, and yet it's demanded of me. Nothing seems to matter, and yet it does.
I long came to the conclusion that it really comes down to a matter of perspective, circumstances change and with it so does ones outlook on life where they may find meaning and value in places they never would of expected, but BECAUSE it is a matter of perspective and that meaning and value is subjective at any given moment in time those circumstances can change and you may find yourself once again in the throes of existential despair.. there is just nothing concrete. It feels like building a house on sand.
And it's this perpetual free-fall that makes me want to just give up on giving a damn, as soon as I get to serious about anything in life it falls apart somehow.. almost as though to exemplify the transience of life. I'm usually a very optimistic person, and I often get to the end of writing a post like this and decide to delete it because I can just go and distract myself with a video game or TV show and my feelings on this subject disappear. But the fact that this arises with such ferocity when it does tells me there is something at the fundamental level that is deeply unsettled and is likely pervading through to everything in my life.