Dealing with a heroin addicted girlfriend

cyrax99

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2011
Messages
178
Hi, I'm new here, but have been active on the site for a long time. I really like this site because of the realistic approach, and because most people here are very experienced with drugs. So I am desperately needing help dealing with a heroin addicted girlfriend, it may be a bit long, but that's because I am going to be 100% honest, all help is appreciated.


I am 20 years old. I grew up a very responsible kid, by choice, my parents were extremely lenient. I graduated high school with a 3.9 GPA, I did great etc, despite having alot of social issues. I have never liked drinking, it isn't my thing, nor do I like smoking pot, which are the two most socially accepted drugs, besides tobacco of course. Anyway I was a very occasional opiate user, I first tried vicodin at about age 17, and I'd do it like every couple months maybe. I was always quite relaxed with it. It never was a big issue really, I had a long relationship with a girl where I never did drugs at all, and it was quite fulfilling.

Fast forward to September 09. I get an apartment, and a very badass job. I am still a very responsible user, but now I have a new girlfriend. I was now a weekend indulger, and maybe used once during the week, always when I hung out with her. I was 18 at this time, she was 16, so she was still considered a juvenile. Anyway her mom would let her out on weekends, and she would usually have a 12 curfew. I was always very respectful to her parents, so they liked me, and would let me over. I would go over after work, usually pretty late night during every week, and always be messed up, but functional, she could not tell. I really just enjoyed the time I had while on vics. Well after quite a few months I was doing oxy, so one weekend I let her try a line, we had a great time. We stayed weekend warriors for months after this, no problem at all. I never sought out a connect, I was making awesome money, it didn't cut into my pockets, and I didn't wanna get a habit.

April 2010 comes, and as you could probably all infer, things eventually go down hill. I get a constant connect for OC80, I know naming prices is against the rules, but lets just say with all the money I had saved, buying in bulk was ridiculous. I could do all I possibly wanted and still make extreme money. I was maybe doing 1/4 of what I bought, and making double my money easily. Well with this we both became daily users, and little did I realize the problems that were coming about, because I was so high all the time. We'd fight quite a bit, drop it like it never happened, fight, be happy it was a rollercoaster. I never realized how your emotions begin to change, it's horrible. We were either on the greatest terms or the worst of terms, I never realized how horrible the lifestyle was.

Fast forward to September 2010. I decided I'd had enough. I went clean for a little while and soon realized how much I changed. I realized how irritable it made me, how I didn't care about anyone but myself, how I depended on it to make me happy, it was what I looked forward to all day etc. So I move away three hours to live with my Dad, and I was totally honest with him about my problem. It was perfect because I could visit her, yet have time to get better too, because I would never get better in that environment. We had tried H a few times, and being that I no longer was getting 80's, around this time she gets an H connect, much like my oxy connect, where she can do all she wants and still make a ton of profit. Mind you I lived 40 mins from the Mexican border, so it is everywhere.

So I clean up, the withdrawls were very hard. For the first month and a half I didn't touch anything, after that I would do it for fun every other weekend when I came down, and still do. I have had the discipline to stick to that, because I believe enjoying opiates is fine, and have done responsibly now for months. Anyway she went right from the daily OC use to daily Heroin use, all smoked if it matters, she is not a mainliner. Since I have cleaned up and am now only an occasional user though, I have started to really take a toll because of the use. I see my image basically, and am ashamed of how I acted. She is incredibly irritable, very little things set her off. She can be clingy one minute, and distant the next, it is absolutely crazy. I have noticed when I do smoke with her when I go down that when she has a little she is usually pretty cool and loving, but once she gets quite high she is irritable, unreasonable etc. and it is so horrible. She threw a bitch fit last time I was down there because she thought I wasn't listening when I was on the phone, but I was. Any little thing will set her off, either that or she is just totally non compassionate and doesn't get a fuck. It is like she isn't even there.

My question is has anyone ever dealt with a situation like mine? Dating an addict is taking a toll on me, and I am not talking down when I say that. I am speaking from the perspective of someone who battled addiction not long ago, and well now it is near impossible to deal with. I broke up with her a month ago because of this, but we are still acting just like boyfriend and girlfriend, and I do love her and want to be with her. She is a marvelous human being, but getting her to stop is near impossible. I am fine with responsible use, but don't want to see her addicted like this. I have confronted her many times, it usually goes nowhere, it totally sucks. I am so tired of my visits being infested with her attitude and shit, it ruins the reason I come down. She keeps saying she will work her way down, and it hasn't been happening. Has anyone else dealt with this shit before? Are the emotional symptoms I described common for Heroin use? Anyone else dealt with women acting like this on Heroin or other drugs? Please help
 
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its hard to drop a dope habbit especially when you dont think its a problem. she'll do what she wants, untill the consequences of using are painful enough that she realizes it has become a problem. it sucks but thats usually the way it happens

basically she's not going to all of a sudden want to stop and if you keep pushing her to stop, it will prob drive her away.


and yes what you described has been posted here many times w/ little difference. its sad that i see it this way. but when you get down to it most users are very similar : self-centered.
 
Well she isn't being "driven away" by me, if anything she wanted to stay together, I broke it off because I couldn't take her rollercoaster ups and downs. She constantly talks about being together, it's like she doesn't even realize how she acts.
 
then tell her if she doesn't cut this shit out ( or cut down) then your done with her. and mean it. dont let her dopefiend you back into the relationship like she did before.
 
That's exactly what I've been saying, and why I broke up with her. I love this girl though, she is great and was awesome before this :/. I guess I might just have to stay away until she fixes her shit. Is her behavior normal of heroin addiction?
 
yes very normal.

if she's choosing to use dope on a daily basis when you ask her not to because it is ruining your relationship and she keeps on using do you think she is the same person you fell in love with?

maybe she can get back to the person she was before she got into it so heavy but right now she is not.
 
So it isn't uncommon for her to be so fucking irritable and irrational?

Oh I know she isn't the same person. Even with my short term of addiction, it took me about 3 1/2 months to feel normal again. I was plagued by insomnia for the first month and a half, depression for a couple months etc, energy took the longest. I know even when she quits it will be a long road, I just feel she is too deep in to get out of it. She has this unrealistic idea that she can just use subs and it will be painless, I tried telling her about PAWS and how she will have to go through discomfort... She DOES care, but shit, her attitude is so out of whack.
 
Maybe she was acting the same before and you didn't notice because you, too, acted like that. So now she doesn't see why an attitude which didn't disturb you becomes a reason for breaking up. Or perhaps she is not even conscious of it at all. I don't know. As for being agressive, well, I know I sometimes am when I do heroin (did... I can't put my hands on any now, that's a sore but back to the subject). It's a bit surprising but it's the only drug that makes me irritable. But not to that point !
I think you have been a major cause in her addiction, I don't blame you (my boyfriend sure does a lot more drugs he would do if we hadn't met), but you should take this into account and not be to hard on her, even if you don't wanna go out with her anymore.
 
for her to address her addiction, she needs to personally want to make a change.

it doesnt sound like she is in that place yet, and unfortunately its not usually something that someone else can help too much with.

it is difficult to guess what will be the deciding factor for her, you have to consider yourself extremely lucky that you have the mindset and personal determination to have dealt with your addiction like you have, it is quite an impressive feat so you should feel proud of yourself.

some people have to learn the hard way, and its going to be difficult for you to watch that happen. its going to be a real struggle for you to still be there for her when it goes wrong, so i guess be prepared for that. otherwise, keep on trying to help her, but not to the point where she starts to push you away. you can't help at all or offer any support if she cuts you out of her life.
 
I am not worried about being cut out of her life at all, she is very attached, just she can't comprehend how bad she is I guess. She will apologize when I call her out on the spot, but she doesn't fully get it I guess?

The most helpful advice I've received here is that I now realize it is out of my control. She will have to get to the point where she realizes the damage this is causing, and want the change for herself. The hardest part is she is trying to get back with me constantly, but I just can't do it with her acting like this. She will say you don't want to be with me, and doesn't think her addiction is a big problem. She doesn't realize I love being with her, but this has destroyed us. Telling her what the addiction is doing to me, and how I went through it so I know, seems to go nowhere. Anymore advice is appreciated...
 
What you did in getting off smack was an incredible, courageous thing. Surely though you must see this for yourself, and know that not everyone is made of the stuff required to do or even attempt this.

Further, you've been an addict, so you ought to understand better than anyone else in the world, better than her parents, friends, anyone, what her situation is. It sounds to me like if you leave her she may not ever recover. I think she needs your help.
 
What type of girl is she, does she have a future? You mentioned she was juvenile. If she's unlikely to ever really do anything it may be a bit rich of you to say organise an intervention, but if she is fucking her life up by doing what she's doing I think you should absolutely get together everyone she knows. Try to get her on methadone or subs.
 
Oh and on the question of irrationality and such, NOT UNUSUAL at all!!! It's like mental illness, well, actually, I suppose that addiction really is a mental affliction anyway; makes people very selfish. You know the feeling she's trying to protect. How difficult! How completely outrageous that anyone should expect anything to go above or before that feeling! Right?

Try to show her where she's going. Where she's come from. Tell her your patience is wearing thin and she's pushing you away - cruel in a sense but in her best interests.
 
I enjoyed your posts suessmayr, thank you. I will try to answer all of those

> She is definitely going somewhere. She comes from a very wealthy family, graduated high school a year early like me, and immediately went into college. She is holding down College and her job very well, I just worry how well she could do this going through withdrawls?

> Thank you for calling me courageous, I never thought of myself as being such. I knew mentally it was breaking me apart, and that doing it everyday just would not work. To me going through withdrawl and a few months of agony was alot better than destroying my whole life. The choice was quite easy, the recovery was not as easy, but there was no going back really. We had such a dysfunctional relationship both being high constantly as I described. I remember one day I was going to hang out with my friends, she had drove me to her house which is quite far away from mine, about 20 minutes. Well at the last minute she found out I wanted alone time with my friends, and decided that she just wasn't going to take me anymore. In a fit of rage I threw her phone against the wall because I was so angry that she ruined my plans I had all day, all because she was selfish. Anyway this was my breaking point, because I am not a violent man, and I quickly saw a downward spiral in my psychological well being, and I knew I had to stop.

> I was seriously so tired of the ups and downs, it was either great or horrible, we argued constantly over dumb shit, it totally sucked.

> I do think she needs me to recover. She can't talk to her parents, they are in the dark about this, and would not respond well. Her friends are enablers, and I do know she loves me alot, I don't want to leave her side, she constantly tells me how much she wants to be together... It just gets hard dealing with this shit.

> She has subs but I don't want to see her addicted to those, or trade addictions, those can be even harder to kick.

> Thanks for reinforcing the shit I am dealing with, and telling me it isn't abnormal... The behavior is so hard to deal with, when I met her she was a very very sweet, caring girl. Now she is bitchy, irritable etc. it sucks so bad. I do try to show her what it has done, she usually takes it as a personal insult, even when I am totally respectful. It really sucks, it is just not getting through :(
 
I would suggest to stay away from her for your personal protection until she possibly gets over her H habit. Maybe if she ever quits the H or opiates all together then you could try and hook back up with her. That is, of course, if you're trying to stay relatively clean. Otherwise I guess it doesn't matter and you both can use when you're together. From my experience it's gonna make it harder for you to stay clean if your partner's using no matter how much will power you have. My .02, peace.
 
print this thread and give her it, then she will be able to read in her own time how much you care and then maybe something might click.
 
I wrote down everything for her in a message and she appreciated it. I want everyone to understand that she doesn't say like fuck off, she wants to be together desperately, she just doesn't get how bad she is acting I guess you could say. It's ugly, but maybe I will just have to let her use the subs, because she can't get high on those. I'm running out of options so yeah.
 
That's exactly what I've been saying, and why I broke up with her. I love this girl though, she is great and was awesome before this :/. I guess I might just have to stay away until she fixes her shit. Is her behavior normal of heroin addiction?

You need to stick to your guns. Besides, two addicts are never healthy for one another. I know you say you only use occasionally but you're still endangering YOUR health as well as hers by doing so. First of all, you're a hypocrite if you're going to ask her to stop using drugs and chill out when you yourself still use.

Once again, the important thing is that you stick to what you've said to her. She will walk all over you if she senses a finite amount of insecurity regarding your decisions. Addicts will do this time and time again and not because they're bad people but because drugs change them while they're riding the roller coaster.

Anyway, her behavior is definitely typical of any addict and you need to let her know that if she can't seek help and at least TRY to clean up, you won't be around to take all of the abuse as it's getting neither of you anywhere. It often takes a sort of rock bottom for people to realize that they need to get better and for a lot of people "rock bottom" is losing their partner. Maybe this will be the one thing that gets her motivated and if it's not, cut your ties because she's poison for you and your health =/
 
You need to stick to your guns. Besides, two addicts are never healthy for one another. I know you say you only use occasionally but you're still endangering YOUR health as well as hers by doing so. First of all, you're a hypocrite if you're going to ask her to stop using drugs and chill out when you yourself still use.

Once again, the important thing is that you stick to what you've said to her. She will walk all over you if she senses a finite amount of insecurity regarding your decisions. Addicts will do this time and time again and not because they're bad people but because drugs change them while they're riding the roller coaster.

Anyway, her behavior is definitely typical of any addict and you need to let her know that if she can't seek help and at least TRY to clean up, you won't be around to take all of the abuse as it's getting neither of you anywhere. It often takes a sort of rock bottom for people to realize that they need to get better and for a lot of people "rock bottom" is losing their partner. Maybe this will be the one thing that gets her motivated and if it's not, cut your ties because she's poison for you and your health =/

I wouldn't call myself hypocritical, because I am not telling her she can't have fun here and there, but I am NOT ok with addiction, and what it is doing. In the beginning it is nearly impossible not to relapse without a good amount of clean time behind you, so that's what I was getting at. I do not think me having fun for two days every other weekend makes me hypocritical at all, I have discipline about it, and that's all I'm asking from her, is to have discipline about it. I very much enjoy smoking and such, but to me I feel she is being incredibly selfish. When I was an addict, I looked at her in the eyes before I moved here and told her I was going to get better for US, and what it had done to us. She watched me get better and just sat there getting worse... it does hurt.
 
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