So I've been clean for 19 days but my apartment still looks like a junkies den. Clothes are scattered all over, there is dust, dirt and trash strewn about and then... there are those fucking flies.
When my dog died on 07/18/10 I was hardcore in my addiction. After his passing, I entered a fog of 'nothingness' and began using even harder than previously. I neglected everything but the get high.
A horrible stench pervaded the air at my place a couple of days after his death.
Then came the flies... HUNDREDS (maybe even a thousand) of them. They gravitated to the lights and windows and I did nothing but accept them and the stench who's source is still undetermined.
After a few days more, I could no longer take those fucking flies and grabbed a bottle of Raid Flying Insect killer. I sprayed and sprayed.
I can still hear the buzzing of the multitudes caught in their death throes. It was loud and was exponentially louder due to the quantity of flies dying at once.
There were so fucking many dead flies on my windowsills, floor, nightstand and kitchen floor. After a few days I vacuumed most of them up.
Many still remain.
Why am I choosing to live in filth when I am clean?
Where is the motivation?
I AM lazy but past experience has shown that when I am clean from drugs, my living environment is VERY fucking organized, sterile and clean.
Besides the flies I cannot bring myself to pick up my dog's toys. Its painful. He LOVED toys and they are strewn on the floor randomly. There is one place under the dining room table where he would place them and I just can not bring myself to disturb them.
I'm not proud of my unnecessarily disgusting living environment and I know people will judge me as a scum bag. I know better though. There is something beyond laziness that is preventing me from cleaning this mess.
Yes, the vast majority of those flies are gone but some still remain.
Judge me as you will. I need to remember this disgusting shit so I can figure out my patterns in the future if I choose to embrace the junkie lifestyle again.
When my dog died on 07/18/10 I was hardcore in my addiction. After his passing, I entered a fog of 'nothingness' and began using even harder than previously. I neglected everything but the get high.
A horrible stench pervaded the air at my place a couple of days after his death.
Then came the flies... HUNDREDS (maybe even a thousand) of them. They gravitated to the lights and windows and I did nothing but accept them and the stench who's source is still undetermined.
After a few days more, I could no longer take those fucking flies and grabbed a bottle of Raid Flying Insect killer. I sprayed and sprayed.
I can still hear the buzzing of the multitudes caught in their death throes. It was loud and was exponentially louder due to the quantity of flies dying at once.
There were so fucking many dead flies on my windowsills, floor, nightstand and kitchen floor. After a few days I vacuumed most of them up.
Many still remain.
Why am I choosing to live in filth when I am clean?
Where is the motivation?
I AM lazy but past experience has shown that when I am clean from drugs, my living environment is VERY fucking organized, sterile and clean.
Besides the flies I cannot bring myself to pick up my dog's toys. Its painful. He LOVED toys and they are strewn on the floor randomly. There is one place under the dining room table where he would place them and I just can not bring myself to disturb them.
I'm not proud of my unnecessarily disgusting living environment and I know people will judge me as a scum bag. I know better though. There is something beyond laziness that is preventing me from cleaning this mess.
Yes, the vast majority of those flies are gone but some still remain.
Judge me as you will. I need to remember this disgusting shit so I can figure out my patterns in the future if I choose to embrace the junkie lifestyle again.
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