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Day three, this sucks

Hey alien.. you're doing great!!!! Man you really have to learn how not to trust your head for awhile.. I know right, what the hell is he talking about, don't trust your head or your thoughts for awhile.. emotions are probably the biggest thing our addiction uses to manipulate us. The biggest thing to get your head around to begin to see the illusion is that these crazy emotions will seem real as they will be associated with real memories and events. The thing is is that you are actually thinking CRAZY.. emotions that you have learned to trust for years and learned to hide from with the drug use are now going to be the addictions biggest weapon. It will cause every emotion to be an onslaught and everything will cause an emotion, An easy way to start to see through the illusion that the addiction is throwing at you is to QUESTION hard any feelings that are trying to lead you back to use. You see alien it insane thinking that we all have, like feel terrible about what i did when I was using, I can't believe I did those things, man I need to use... well who but an addict would think to cure the problems caused by use by using.. yeah its insane.. but really hard to see... double check any emotion that causes you to want to use... the part of the brain that controls emotion is also the part of the brain where your addiction lives.. It is directly resposible for PAWS >one<.. so many people figure that when the acute withdrawals are done thats the end of the hard part when in reality it just the start.. But like the acute withdrawal the paws get better especially if you do the steps .. you may have wondered what one of the big deal is with the steps, well one of the powerful things the steps do is to take the emotions out of the addictions arsenal. when you make your fearless moral inventory include anything that you get ANY emotion off.. you are doing great, your an amazing person, you just aren't thinking clear right rite now.. so hang in there get as big a support system thm as possible going.. AND DROP THE SHAME AND GUILT RIGHT NOW!! you won't need it where you are going and it will drag you back to hell!! Also you need to keep yourself in today as getting in yesterday will cause unreal but powerful shame and guilt and getting into tomorrow will cause fear.. stay in today<3..

BREATH AND RELAX, ITS ALL GOOD AND SO ARE YOU!

try these threads to help..http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/663215-Good-things-about-being-off-drugs-getting-sober

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/...ful-for-ver-2-thankful-for-all-the-darksiders!
 
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aliencowstorm said:
And today was probably the roughest since day 2 or 3. There were many moments where I wanted to fall back down and just say fuck it.
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That happens to everyone, it's a bumpy road with ups and downs. I just try to remember it will get better and that I don't want to undo any of the progress I've made, and find ways to distract myself like playing some good music, eating something delicious, getting a hug, watching a comedy, or trying to help others. The hard days and the cravings do get fewer and further between, and have less and less power over you over time.

I'm so glad you have an awesome relationship! That is a big support.

You are doing so great and you should take a minute to think of what you've made it through and give yourself a pat on the back because it takes a lot of courage. As neversickanymore said, shame and guilt are useless and it's important to just keep working on yourself, learning ways to cope with life without drugs and working on the causes of the mental addiction (whether that is attending meetings, therapy, self-help, whatever techniques/resources you find useful). I know you can do it :)
 
Man...had a fucked up nervous breakdown yesterday. I'm back home tonight, but I checked myself in (well, I guess my wife checked me in) to a mental health institution. I've been running really hard this last week and I really need ot just slow things down.

But I was having really bad PAWS (RLS, insomnia, cravings and felt like I was losing it) and was going out of my mind. Back home now with some mood adjusting medication. I'll be doing some sleeping with some ambien (averaging 2-3 hours sleep over the past 12 days has really been messing with me).

I'm on the someone else dispenses my drugs because I can't be trusted even around advil. I was getting crazy bad headaches and taking like 7 or 8 advils in the hopes that it would help. In the end, the doctors are telling me I need to get sleep. And the sleep deprivation has been playing a real number on my head. Crossing my fingers this doesn't trigger me. Pray for me as I have kept all of you in my prayers.
 
the lack of sleep was what always did me in before. it will get better. I promise. also try taking some melatonin and some relaxing herbal things (don't use diphenhydramine as it can increase the rls). you should have somewhat of a sex drive so if you can get laid/beat it it'll help you relax a bit. by the end of the first few times I detoxed I coulda been a butcher.
 
Thanks Sero. I learned the hard way that those little over the counter sleep aids only make things worse.

And yeah, the sex drive has gone, well, nuts. I feel like I'm 13 again just due to the compulsion to want to boink or just pound one out myself.

I'm also taking melatonin, but I don't know what the best dosage is. If anyone has information on the best dosage for melatonin I'd really appreciate it.
 
From what I understand 2-3mg is generally the best for melatonin, more than that can cause headaches. I get headaches if I take more than 3mg, I usually take 2mg. Some people can get by on .75-1mg though. People over 60 sometimes need higher doses, like in the 4-6mg range. Have you looked into valerian? I know tons of people really like it for sleep as well as anxiety. It makes me feel really groggy the next day, so I usually just stick with melatonin and passionflower.

I can't do the otc sleeping pill thing during withdrawal, it doesn't help me sleep and makes me feel rotten and anxious and gives me rls. some people swear by it, but it makes me feel worse when I get to a certain point.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. The lack of sleep and just the physical and emotional toll of quitting is brutal. I want to spit tacks when people act like it's just a matter of getting through a little cold. It's tough stuff and it's a huge change to go through. Be gentle with yourself.
 
I'm a 22 year old male and I use 10-12mg sublingual (been dependent on it for sleep for about 3 months). try 5mg held under the tongue for faster onset. just feels like grit under your tongue with no flavor (I got my nightly dose under my tongue as I'm dependent on it right now :/ ). can't OD on it, but start small like 1-3mg or 5mg if you tried the lower doses. those who aren't tolerant will feel quite a bit of sedation.
 
aliencowstorm said:
Wow, thank you. I would like any suggestions on the twitching during sleep, when it actually comes.

I've been reading archives and threads about the challenges ahead. Just knowing there's a online community gives me that much more I can lean on to try and make the best choices.

I also just came back from sitting out in the sun and it sure did feel nice. I'll take any sort of pick me up that's good for me!
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Hey man try Doxylamine Succinate Sleep aid pills, I get the twitchy leg thing too and it helps me. Small blue pill, OTC from rite aid.
 
Thank you everyone. Well, I fell down pretty hard and hit a binge for about three weeks. I decided to put myself into an outpatient program (they sure aren't cheap), but my support group was just nonexistant. Sure, I was going to a couple of NA and AA meetings, but I was letting myself fall into old traps.

I'm at day one and I've got a little help this time. Saw a doctor the specializes in opiat withdraw and so far so good. The level I was at when I went cold turkey for how much it sucked was like 10+. So far, I'd rate things at about a 5-6. Not great, but bareable.

Everyone out here is certainly special to me. This is the place where I was able to find the courage and strength to take this on. I know I can do it. One foot in front of the other gets you to where you're going. It will be one step at a time, one day at a time and I'll just let life sort itself out, it will anyway.
 
just remember all the discomfort is temporary and the mind will manifest additional pain to encourage using. its all BS but in the moment it just feels like life/death. change your people, places, and things or you will continually be at day 1. best of luck with outpatient and don't let the truth that bluelight taught you interfere with your learning in outpatient. yeah they generally push a lot of propaganda and misinformation about specific drugs and their effects but the behavior modification they teach you is generally decent. just keep pushing on.
 
Yeah. Something hit me today. Things change in our lives. We can move, we can remarry, we can change our names. The one thing that will be with me forever are my addictions. I have to learn that there is no cure, there is no silver bullet, there is just work and a willingness to keep trying.
 
With the work comes so much..

reward,
promiss,
wisdom,
legitimate pride,
healing,
strength,
hope,
light (esp blue),
confidence,
forgivness,
health,
hapiness,
peace,
love,
purification,
forgivness,
honesty,
trueth,
healing,
acceptance,
accomplishment,
appreciation,
balance,
beauty,
blessing,
bravery,
brilliance
centered,
clear,
consciouse,
collected,
comfort,
contentment,
consciousnesses,
cooperation,
honesty,
open mindedness,
harmony,
etc
etc


Ever wonder why addiction exists.. There is only one path out and it requires us to really learn the right way to live, went in looking a moments peace and were forced to crate a lifetimes worth;)
 
alien stop judging emotions as good or bad.. they just are.. don't label anything as good or bad.. hang in there you are doing great<3 remember this is just temporary=D You can do this!!! you already know it gets better and there is nothing left out there for you, I know you just went back and had a quick check;). Soon you will start to fell allot better and you will only have to be insanely strong, with the help of your support it wont be that bad, insanely strong for little slivers of time. You have to keep your "head in the solution." Bring yourself back into today, just today that is all there is anyway, don't slip into yesterday as it will fill you with strong emotions will push you to use, stay out of tomorow.. just hang in today for a couple of months. finnish the detox and work a good strong program and your life will turn into something so magical you will cry out of gratitude and happiness. alien you already know your amazing thats why you are doing so well in your recovery. Just hang in there man.. this will all be over soon and then you get to travel the path of a whole new life.. Hey it changes so quick, it gets good, it gets easy most of the time as long as you continue to put in the effort. Hang in there alien<3!!!
 
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I guess I've been down that road and know what's down there. Thanks for all the thoughts neversickanymore, it really helps me keep perspective when I start to drift.

BL - check
Meeting today - unchecked
Day spent with family - check
Another day off dope - check

3 out of 4 is good enough...hell, 1 out of 4 is good enough as long as it's the last one on the list.
 
I've been following this thread closely. I can relate to OP. I guess the difference for me is that, while i've stopped using heroin ( which I have a severe allergic reaction to) I'm still using oxy and don't really feel like quitting. But I know even though I don't want to quit, It will help me so much.

This past 2 months has been crazy for me. I've been running on empty for days, all I have to look forward to is seeing that balance on my bank account and wasting more money on a feeling that is elusive and confusing, and so expensive. And I'm almost out of money.

Don't give up, alien! My gut tells me that, even though I'm talking the way I am, truly I am just a few steps behind wanting really bad to get out of this dead end life. I just don't want to go back to kratom to maintain.....its like living a lie. Yeah sure, its weak but once one has been opiate clear for a few weeks the stuff gets me just as high in a different way....

This whole year has been a shitstorm for me so far.
 
Ozekat, I can't say I know what it feels like to be on kratom, I just know I can't be on anything that's habbit forming. My body and mind are not one with the force and when it finally does become one, I hope to never need another form of narcotic / drug as I would slip farther and faster than ever before.

This last relapse was a window to a future I do not want to visit. Good luck to you and hope you're able to take the step to sober living.
 
Great job ACS! Im on day 4 today after abrief relapse. Although i still am on low dose <1mg per day, i consider this clean. I still get my feelings and emotions back while on sub, one day i will plan on tapering and quitting but as long as im living in the area that i currently do, suboxone is a must. Keep it up acs ride this pink cloud out but remembet it will fade, and when it does that is a VERY crucial time so stay strong it can definitley be done
 
^
You too Ian937! I hit day 7 today. It sure felt like an extended detox, but the cloud is lifting. Now it's time to actually do the real work in this staying sober thing. I don't mind work, I actually like it.
 
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