^ and this is why you are the most kick ass mod.
i was going to post anon, but i figure theres no harm in opening up as probably none of you do/ever will know who i am. soo, here goes.
ive struggled with 'depression' since i guess middle school. in highschool i think i pretty much got over it, or if not over it then i delt with it to the point where it was a non issue. the only times it seemed to rear its ugly head was when i was particularly torn up about something (gf issues mostly).
the first time i ever cut myself was my freshmen year. i had been feeling pretty low for a while... fought with my mom so much i moved in with my dad and moved out of the area. this was about 1/2 through the school year, so i was leaving all my friends and starting a new life in the middle of school. safe to say i was apprehensive, to say the least.
well, i found a gf fairly quick. lost my virginity to her, we got really close really quick, but it wasnt a healthy relationship. the first time she cheated on me it tore me the fuck up. i dont know where i got the idea for cutting (id never heard of it before) but i ended up breaking a disposable razor and using it to cut my arm. it felt incredible, the fucking release was like the first time i did OCs almost. blew me away.
things got better between us, and i didnt cut myself again for a long while. when we broke up, even, i didnt do it.
ive cut myself a few more times since then (i was never a 'heavy' cutter, but each time i would cut a significant amount of times...)
i guess lately ive been thinking about it more and more. ive come very close a couple times in the last few months (since ive come to school). tonight it seems like a strong strong possibility... usually ill just smoke a few bowls or take some vicodins, but i dont have either...
i really dont want to do it, would hate myself for it because it would represent the somewhat downward shift ive been on lately. ive realized shit hasnt been going well for a while, but still... i guess as long as i keep myself from doing anything physical i can keep faking myself into believing its all ok, ya know?
i dont know why im telling you all this. i will probably delete it pretty soon. maybe i just needed to get it all out there.