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cutting

syymphonatic

syymphonatic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 22, 2004
Messages
5,752
Location
columbus, ohio, usa
The old thread is gone, and I need it now.
This can sort of be a new one until they mods figure out what to do about this forum and those topics of the threads that got archived.
I know a lot of people (including myself) used it for support in bad times, so I think it's a good thing to have around...


yeah. I've been doing so well these past few months. met someone who really helped make a difference in how I saw myself, outlooks and situations changed, things were going great. It'd been 3 or 4 months since I cut myself last.
Anyway, a couple of days ago I woke up and hated myself. If this isn't skewed, I don't know what is. I've become (or so I thought) so much more confident and self-loving during this time, and when I woke up that day, I hated who I'd become. I feel arrogant and mean, and I wish I was still who I used to be... putting myself before others at any cost. I know this is a completely ridiculous reason to hate myself, and even though I've shaken it off to some extent, I can't get rid of the feeling I had when I woke up that day. I'm having food and weight issues again because I gained a trivial amount of weight, and I'm broke and lonely (possibly stuck in a city I hate more than anything for an additional year).

So I'm pretty down on myself even though I know it's all in my head. and I'm sitting here looking at a pack of new xacto blades from an art class and wishing that talking myself out of it didn't make me want it that much more. I don't want to give up everything I gained but it doesn't feel like I have any other options right now.
 
There are always other options, but the pull of certain ones is very taxing to ignore :\
I've kept myself good since I posted that but now I'm really uneasy and discontented from fighting myself so much :(
 
i hope you get through the feelings that youre enduring currently. i know how things get, i cut myself all the time a while back, but i did more out of frustration, addiction, and pure disgust/hatred for my surroundings. tonight i actually felt like cutting myself, but i didnt. not yet anyways. the thing is, for some people cutting is a release, and for some people its looked at as a completely morbid fucked up thing to do. i say, if you feel like cutting yourself, dont necessarily not do it, but if you do, just please for the sake of the people you love and the people who love you, dont do anything TOO serious. cosmetics are one thing, but having to put someone through the guilt and sorrow that something serious could cause is a completely other situation in itself. that could only cause more pain and more reason to cut yourself. just keep it as safe as possible my dear!

and remember... in a strange way, we all love you too. we'd hate to see a quality person do something that they would regret.
 
100_1146.jpg


thats one of the biggest regrets of my life. i have to hide that shit from my parents constantly, and let me tell you its NOT exactly fun.

just remember, cutting yourself isnt just displeasing to yourself. its looked down upon by most of the population. not that you should have to please everyone, but putting youself at the center of ridicule is a thing that drives a person insane.
 
I understand where your coming from and fighting the urge is the hardest thing in the world. If you do cut dont get down about it - self harm is an addiction and we all have set backs now and again when we're trying to kick something and set backs are all part of recovery.


I fight the urge every single day and i wish id never picked up that blade all them years ago and it does get easier - i know it doesnt really work but try and do something to take your mind off it a bit, every minuite you do something else is another minuite youve not cut.
 
I cannot comment on this cutting mindset coz I don't do it , what I will say is that because you've posted a NEW THREAD about it it'll be looked at whereas before many people who regularly used TDS ignored the stuck threads coz it seemed like old news type of thing. At least this way it'll get read by more people and not be a post which sits unanswered for a month. Hope you resist your temptations and move onwards.





zophen
 
I haven't cut myself in over two years, but shit I really know how you're feeling here.
I actually dont have that much in terms of advice here, just empathizing and letting you know that it does get better. The only reason that stopped me from cutting myself were those summer months when you cant really wear long sleeved shirts anymore. EVeryone saw, and no matter how many times I said "it was a cat" or whatever excuse-they all knew-and I hated myself more each time someone said something. I stopped doing something that I thought made me feel so much better just because I hated being prosecuted for it.
But, like I said, it DOES get better.
I can't remember the last time I thought about picking up a knife. Not to mention I feel much more confident about solving my problems. I mean actually solving them-not just distracting myself from them. I can tell you that feels really really awesome. I feel more like an adult, than a whiny child with a knife (if that makes any sense)
I know the urges seem impossible to get rid of. But in that state damn near everything seems impossible. And I know this may seem like the only way you will feel better, but really its not. Do something that you truely love to do. Take a bath, call your friends, eat some chocolate :)

Good luck though, pm me if you want to talk.

<3 <3 <3
 
yeah i made it through the whole night without a scratch. most of the day went ok (although ive had better)
i cant even remember what it was that made me do it this afternoon but i really fucked up :( new blade and it'd been so long. im pretty sure i should get stitches for how bad i did it but fuck that. now i'm working on collecting the pieces to keep myself from going any worse. stupid stupid stupid!
:(
 
I got into cutting for a while, but it wasnt becasue of any of the reasons that people normally do it. I went through a phase of ether sniffing and when I would get really fucked I would make incisions in my skin with a scalple. I guess I did it because I couldnt feel anything.
 
syymphonatic said:
There are always other options, but the pull of certain ones is very taxing to ignore :
I've kept myself good since I posted that but now I'm really uneasy and discontented from fighting myself so much :(
Click to expand...

You struck a cord with your last sentence. And I think this is true for most all of us. Most of our lack of progress into a relaxed (happy or content) state of being comes from fighting with ourselves. The Christian heritage of the condemned and sinful self.

Rational Emotive Therapy disagrees with this effort against the supposedly sick or evil self. In training the self for Shamanic work the first step is always unconditional (without any conditions whatsoever) self acceptance. This is a tricky subject because we believe that without intense effort on our part no change is going to come. In my work on myself I have begun to discover another more successful path. Don Juan had a concept that is where this is at. It's called Stalking. Your prey is yourself. Stalking yourself.

I have made some changes in my life after a lifetime of failure using this one method. I observe (stalk) my thinking process. I notice when I am feeling bad what I had just been thinking. But there's more. For this to work at all you need to disengage your judgement of what you are thinking and of yourself in general. You have to accept everything unconditionally without any judgement whatsoever.

The amazing thing is that this is just a habit you need to learn. (Reprograming your bio-computer). Believe it or not you can function without hating yourself.

Once you have observed your thoughts for a short while ( a couple or four weeks) you will start to catch yourself thinking very negative things. But now you won't be distracted by your judgements and self hating which distracts you from noticing what you were thinking (see how this self hate loop keeps us from moving forward?) Because once you get good at noticing what you are thinking without losing track you will then have the time to dispute your thinking and choose a different way of thinking that serves you and your life much better.

When that begins to happen you will change automatically. Why? Because you were fine all along and your natural state is emotional health. Yea!=D
 
through a great effort of will and through a ton of psychedelics I've been able to focus the feelings of cutting into art/self expression.

I reccomend trying to do that. Just work in a direction that makes you feel all those emotions, and try and put some words on a page or bang out some chords or put some color on a canvas.
 
i've never cut, but i used to self harm in other ways, there are better (imo) ways of venting frustration, guilt, self disgust, than self-harm, cutting or in my case punching myself repeadly for ages, and walls, widows etc,


Look into other ways, it might help (i know all this shits been said before)

dunno mate, just everyone be strong n hope things go pleasently
 
^^ the thing with cutting is, it becomes addictive and it becomes the be all and end all solution to every little thing in the world.

Its easy to say find another way because theres better ways (which i agree on) when cutting is the only thing you've known and you know it works.

I feel like cutting now and i have for a while its been 24 days and the urges are gettoing so fucking bad its unreal, i want to hold out for as long as possible because like i said earlier every min distracted is a minuite im not cutting. I remember when i used to cut up to 4 times a day and was proud if i hadnt done it for one day, now ive gone 24 days and I know if i do it, i'll love it, ill be higher than any drug can take me but I also know that i'll be dissapointed the next day.

Im trying to kick this but some days I think ''whats the point'' because when I do cut it ends up being big fuck off gashes worse than what would have happened in the first place, but if you dont try you dont get anywhere
 
Angelus said:
I got into cutting for a while, but it wasnt becasue of any of the reasons that people normally do it. I went through a phase of ether sniffing and when I would get really fucked I would make incisions in my skin with a scalple. I guess I did it because I couldnt feel anything.
Click to expand...

haha sometimes i'm afraid to do some drugs because i might end up wanting to see how painless everything would be..
 
Angelus said:
I got into cutting for a while, but it wasnt becasue of any of the reasons that people normally do it. I went through a phase of ether sniffing and when I would get really fucked I would make incisions in my skin with a scalple. I guess I did it because I couldnt feel anything.
Click to expand...

Same for me except with ketamine. When I first started using habitually (several doses a day) I found that when I was coming down, I still felt very disconnected from the world and couldn't really feel anything, so I resorted to this in order to bring myself back into the real world. And then decided it was a catch-all solution to all my problems. Yeah, I wasn't the most rational kid around.

I've been free of it now for about 18 months, bar a handful of rather horrific relapses. Nothing in the last few months though, so we'll see. Good luck to everyone else. Seems like there's no way out when you're there but recovery is never impossible.
 
I feel for anyone who suffers from this, even though I don't personally experience it. I will say that I have thought about harming myself in the past due to the Depersonalization Disorder I suffered just to FEEL something, but luckily I never resorted to it.

It's funny. If I read this thread a year ago, I would have thought that anyone who cuts themselves is obviously a crazy/fucked up in the head kind of person. But I realize now, having gone through obsessions of my own, that they aren't, and I now sympathize with many people who suffer from various mental problems.
 
Question: how do triggers affect you?

On one hand, seeing that photo of ryanlaughlin above makes me want to have that for myself, to cut my arms and be able to see the scars until they fade..

On the other hand, seeing it is kind of cathartic...it's like...seeing him do it stops me from having to do it...any thoughts on this?
 
No offence to the guy who posted the picture but seeing others' scars like that does tend to make me a bit uneasy. When I load this topic now I just hammer the "end" key so it skips right past it xD

Honestly even though it's been so long, being part of a conversation about it can make me a bit jumpy, depends on mood. Pics/video are definitely unsettling though.
 
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