Cutting v. 2

[Seanjay]

I was coming down from this great roll 4 days ago and I opened a disposable razor and found the blade is great to use,

several large cuts on my arm which will definately scar :[

I'm getting a tattoo on my left arm that says "never knows best" friday I'll post a pic when i do, me and a friend are both getting it, its to remind us to not harm ourselves

 

[**hAyzzZZ**]

I want to cut myself. I really feel a hopelessness that is extremely depressing. Cutting makes things tolerable.

 

[Pillthrill]

Just for awhile...its not worth it. Hang in there.

 

[Hannah Capps]

I want to cut myself. I really feel a hopelessness that is extremely depressing. Cutting makes things tolerable.

I hear ya...If it helps you can talk to me...I have been diagnosed with aspergres syndrome...The cutting is as an austic child banging there head against a wall until it is bloody and bused...What can I say life is hell then you die...

 

[panic in paradise]

"What can I say life is hell then you die..."

i wouldnt say life is hell, unfair yes, but life is all about the cards youre dealt, and how you hold them.

 

[Pillthrill]

I've wanted to cut SO SO SO bad lately. Just slash my wrist open and felt all the feelings bleed out! Feelings of depression, loneliness, anger, resentment...
But I haven't. My bf motivated me. Disappointing his is a really awful feeling. I doubt that this desire to do this will ever go away. I SO much wish I would have NEVER cut myself for the first time. I didn't know the hell I was starting. Any advice on dealing with all these "bad" feelings without negative coping?

 

[ocean]

You know.......
I went through a brief period of time where I hit myself....
Not as serious as cutting but not fun either.
I would feel this overwhelming pulse through me-
This NEED to hurt myself b/c I was so angry and frustrated.....
I have had other negative ways of coping also, like rage and just being a mean person(when I was alot younger).......
These things, like cutting aren't doing anything to solve the underlying problem- So if you want advice on how to deal with the 'bad' feelings, I would suggest taking the time to pick apart the feelings. Deal with them.
Usually, for me anyway,the negativity is like a cycle of thoughts rushing at me and playing over and over again-
If you take a step back and say,
Problem number one:I feel like this.......
and then work out a way to solve the problem or put it behind you.
One step at a time sort of thing.
Also something I do, I take the negative thought- Imagine it as words or as a thing and I visualize it leaving me........
When that doesn't work I write things down and burn them.....or when I lived by the water I'd throw them in the water.
Just a few things to try.........
Hope you are feeling better now though PT

 

[paranoid android]

Dunno why but ive though about cutting alot lately. I just wanna take a razor blade to my arm and slash it up abit. Maybe it's cause ive ben somewhat manic and wacky these days.

 

[stellablue]

^ Damn PA, I hate to read this but I understand. What is it that is triggering it right now lately? Like if you had to think of what is really triggering it. Call me, I am moved into my new apartment, and I am home free. I love it here. my girls and I are very happy. Are you drinking some or withdrawing or is it your manic mother. I am here for you, just call me on my cell or home phone, I keep all my numbers. So call me before you pick up that razor.

 

[mannequin]

i recommend watching the episode of INTERVENTION on hulu.com about a young girl cutter... its very informative into the psychology of someone who mutilates themselves

 

[Pillthrill]

I've been wanted to cut so bad. My bf thought I did the other night because I spend awhile getting ready for bed, washing my face and stuff in the bathroom. I asked "How deep?" I was like, "How deep did you cut yourself?" I said that I didn't. He just said that he thought I did because I took so long and I had such a awful week, which I did. Its not that I haven't had to force myself not to. Its SO hard when I start emotionally beating myself up over the smallest mistakes. I say the most AWFUL things to myself, how worthless I am, that no one will love me, how stupid and ugly I am...on and on. Stuff that when I'm ok I know its not true. I mean its worse than the hell that others put me through and I don't know why its just instantly automatic thinking. I seem to have no idea how not to do it. I can say, "Ok that isn't true and you know it." But its just, "Yeah, but thats really how horrible I feel!!" Even the boyfriend knows I beat myself up and I've never outright told him....
I just know if I take a sharp razor to my arm I'm just going to cut SO deep straight up my arm and its going to scar like a motherfucker. PLUS there is no way to hide that in the middle of the summer and everyone is going to think I'm fucked up and crazy. Plus once I start who knows when I'm going to stop. I REALLY wish I would have NEVER ever cut myself for the first time. I didn't know I was throwing myself into a deep, dark, endless pit. But perhaps it was just the manifestation on my BPD as it is one of my symptoms. Not to mention my serious self-loathing at the moment. It could be that I have been taking so many painkillers that I haven't wanted to add to stomach upset with more pills.
It's really frustrating that people that don't understand it at all. Sean just sees the crying and the cutting as a sidetrack keeping me from getting to a solution. Its not like I can seem to help it. I get upset and sometimes I just have to do something about it. It just seem totally alien, stupid and pointless to them.
I need to start taking my meds again....

 

[**hAyzzZZ**]

i recommend watching the episode of INTERVENTION on hulu.com about a young girl cutter... its very informative into the psychology of someone who mutilates themselves

I've seen that episode, that girl was later on Oprah too. She said she hadn't cut since going to rehab in a year or two or something. Though, watching it was very very bad for me.

I really don't recommend anybody suffering at the moment watch that episode. It is really disturbing.

 

[paranoid android]

^ Damn PA, I hate to read this but I understand. What is it that is triggering it right now lately? Like if you had to think of what is really triggering it. Call me, I am moved into my new apartment, and I am home free. I love it here. my girls and I are very happy. Are you drinking some or withdrawing or is it your manic mother. I am here for you, just call me on my cell or home phone, I keep all my numbers. So call me before you pick up that razor.

I think it's my wacky moods which are improving and the hopelessness that i feel right now. That could be alot of it.

And i will call you soon so don't worry.

Much love to ya.



Bye

 

[drug_wench]

pillthrill, i admire the fact that ur going thru so much shit atm and ur not cutting
i know ur feeling down - hell for the first time during a psychotic breakdown i had during the time i was away i apparently tried to slash my wrists - only i was cutting to kill....(and yes i was taken away and am now on meds )
so now i can say i actually know that desire to hurt urself in order to feel physical pain which IME is much less painful than emotional pain

however u r beating this - so hard as i know it is for u, i want u to try and pat urself on the back and say 'well done'
it may b for Sean atm, but u r taking baby steps
oneday it will b for u - i honestly believe that
and yes, i suggest if ur starting to get depressed again that u start taking ur meds again - painkillers will only serve to keep u 'high' for a short time whereas ur meds will help with the long-lasting emotional pain that really needs to b dealt with

proud of u hun

 

[Pillthrill]

I taking the mood stabilizers again. You would think I'd know better than to go off them.
I know the opiates are temporary.
*sigh* I know all the depression and BPD symptoms come back and just crush me like a bug under some one's shoe. The empty worthlessness that seems to cut through me.
I was thinking today, where could I cut that it wouldn't show? What if I took really good care of it? Could I avoid a scar?
I didn't, but I do just want to be able to bleed out some of these...these...indescrible feelings.

 

[drug_wench]

yet u went another day without doing so
well fucking done!

dont worry i can certainly empathise on depression and the temptation of opiates
depression is crippling - mine is only circumstantial.....but i spent weeks (or so it seems) not eating and not getting out of bed....and wats worst of all just so confused about the pain and frustrated about how to release it (obviously it came to a stretching point that fateful night wen i discovered a means of releasing it)
im on meds but i still feel pretty depressed sometimes - like today i had to force myself to go out and walk the dogs, and wen i did, i felt better for it
sometimes lack of sun can cause depression so make sure u dont lie around inside too much....go out for picnics with ur bf etc

as for opiates, well wrong thread but just briefly, they r tempting little buggers but if u r going to use them determine wat kind of a user u r
very rarely do ppl get away with 'occasional opiate use'
if u abuse opiates at the very best ull end up in nasty (or fairly nasty) withdrawal
at the worst ull end up like me, in and out of detox, eventually on a methadone program

gd on u for going back to the mood stabilisers!
i take epilim (sodium valproate) - its commonly prescribed for bipolar or as a mood stabiliser in general....for me i take it for epilepsy
i know that mood stabilisers (well epilim anyway) hav nasty side effects
can make u feel flat, dull, lethargic and if ur usually a creative, full-of-life person they generally remove plenty of that too (well im speaking from my experience on epilim)
however if u can sit back and logically think 'if i dont take these drugs im much worse off' as uve done, u hav discipline to b admired
i dont blame u for giving coming off them a try - i certainly did.....ended up having seizure after seizure and realised i cudnt
they will help u lead a normal life again i hope

sometimes it takes a while for them to build up in ur system but i bet ull get there again and feel a million bucks less like cutting and generally ur moods will even out again
u probly know that

 

[SECONAL]

I used to be a cutter when I was younger. The first time I started injuring myself was a few months before my 13th birthday, when I had gotten angry over something my father refused to buy me and when I was alone I had taken something sharp (I don't remember what it was) and scratched up my face.

Then, few a months later after my mother had gotten a new kitchen knife set, I toke one out and started cutting my wrists/arm with it. In fact, I had "tried" a few out and picked my "favorite" one to keep back in my room and used it whenever I was depressed. If just felt soooo good after I cut....almost like releasing bad energy. This when on for 2 years or so. I remember having to always wear a long sleve shirt or having to be very self-consious about the scars on my arm.

Even to this day, 7 1/2 years later, I still have sometimes feel a need to cut. The only thing from keeping me from doing that, is the fact that I don't have a good knife.

 

[drug_wench]

The only thing from keeping me from doing that, is the fact that I don't have a good knife.

yet uve mentioned several other reasons why, IMO, u shudnt want to cut
these r
-always having to wear long sleeves (i was like that wen i was shooting up and i remember on hot days it was unbearable)
-feeling self-conscious about ur scars (not a nice feeling!)
-still to this day feeling the need to cut (ie. emotional addiction - hard to break and unpleasant to deal with!)

im not being judgmental, im just thinking, cud u maybe make a list of the positives u get from cutting vs the negatives? check out which is longer

remember to add things like 'i cud cut into a dangerous place and bleed to death' too

ur post seems to say to me that in ur mind u still endorse cutting - however it actually is an addiction like any other, and like any other addiction, its harmful
do u want to get help and if so hav u looked into getting help?

 

[SECONAL]

yet uve mentioned several other reasons why, IMO, u shudnt want to cut
these r
-always having to wear long sleeves (i was like that wen i was shooting up and i remember on hot days it was unbearable)
-feeling self-conscious about ur scars (not a nice feeling!)
-still to this day feeling the need to cut (ie. emotional addiction - hard to break and unpleasant to deal with!)

im not being judgmental, im just thinking, cud u maybe make a list of the positives u get from cutting vs the negatives? check out which is longer

remember to add things like 'i cud cut into a dangerous place and bleed to death' too

ur post seems to say to me that in ur mind u still endorse cutting - however it actually is an addiction like any other, and like any other addiction, its harmful
do u want to get help and if so hav u looked into getting help?

The "positives" from cutting:

.....To release emotional pain
.....To turn emotional pain into physical pain
.....To feel good after doing so

The "negatives" of cutting:

....You get nasty scars
....They look intentionally done
....People will see them and "wonder" how you got them, secretly knowing there are self-done
....Get questions about them and having folks think you're nuts
....Finding a "good" knife or blade (yes, to some people they are 'good' or more 'comfortable' and effective items to cut with)
....Wearing long sleeves (It's too hot and annoying in the summer)

I think once somebody is a cutter - even though years have passed since they've last none it - it'still in the back of their mind and whenever something emotionally upsetting or painful happends, the person may have an "craving" to cut. It's not suicidal or having a death wish - it's simply an act or dealing with a problem in a bad way.

In the past, I have gotten help for it (not that I wanted it, "help" was forced on me) Needless to say it didn't work....I didn't have a "problem", it was just an odd way of handling stress instead.

I don't endorse cutting....at least not for others' - I'd never recommend it to anyone.

 

[drug_wench]

(not that I wanted it, "help" was forced on me)

possibly why it didn't work - u need to want it for urself before u r ready to receive help for any addiction

well done on the list - note, more negatives than positives.....this shud b helpful to anyone else who wants to take a look at their behaviour

i agree once uve been a cutter it will always b in the back of ur mind as a 'coping skill', and not really an odd one at all - it's just transferring emotional pain to physical pain
i fucking hate that rhyme 'sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me' - it implies that physical pain outweighs emotional pain
maybe thats the case for some ppl - it's not for me, and its not for many others

i guess its our type that r predisposed to finding ways to deal with the emotional pain by transferring it to physical pain

i never had bn before but hey, yesterday for the first time i did something i regret doing, after my neighbours had a go at me
this could b triggering for some of u to read so dont read it if u feel u cud b triggered by a mildly graphic story about self-harm:

NSFW:

i was smoking P (meth) for a start (first mistake - to give me credit i was just frying away pathetically at a tiny puddle left on the side of the pipe from my last binge) and i touched the hot glass pipe by mistake.....only instead of jumping back something drew me to keep my hand on it
it blistered but i felt no pain, only a feeling of euphoria (separate from the 'P euphoria') and relief from the emotional turmoil i've bn going thru lately

today Mum and i had a fight
the smallest things r taking me over the edge atm since ive recently had a nervous breakdown (as i said earlier on this page i think)
Mum called me a bitch and wen she walked out of the room i injected sterile water, something i havnt done for a while (a sign im hanging out for drugs....P in particular, after all im on methadone for the other stuff, im pretty well covered there....)
then wen i still hadnt felt enough 'relief' i remembered the feeling of burning myself on the P pipe yesterday so i got out a lighter and lit it then held it down on my thigh
same euphoria, same relief, same transfer of pain
i then made 3 more burns before Mum came into my room, gasped and burst into tears saying 'you really need help, Lydia'

then i felt guilty and wanted to burn myself more
fucked up or wat?
i havnt burnt myself since but i now know wat it feels like to crave that pain that 'takes away the pain'

i know thats not exactly the typical thing ppl do wen they self-harm, although i had a bf who did that as part of a satanic ritual (maybe thats where i got the idea from in the back of my mind)
wat am i going to do about it?
im still desperately seeking counselling for a lot of things atm - no one will take me as im 'using' 8( (give me a break - i actually didnt start using again till the main event happened that i need the counselling for)

wat was my point in telling u guys that?
well ive never judged any of u - im not judgmental.....but now i can say i truly know why u crave it so much
i cant imagine piercing my skin with a blade purposefully but my own form of self-harm......i think about it plenty, even after having only experienced it 4 times, once by mistake
so i know its addictive, i know its fucking hard
i also know it can b beaten
esp if u want to beat it

find a gd counsellor - shop around
find someone whos not judgmental.....and tell ur story
if they cant help u move on
its a frustrating process - i of all ppl know that
but sometimes recovering from anything is a frustrating process