Cutting v. 2

[Keepit Chill]

I never really understood why people cut themselves, but about a year about I figured I would try it. I could not sleep and was extremely depressed and felt self-loathing, and for some reason I figured it would help if I took a shower. My parents told me that it was too late at night for a shower. This was devastating to me for some reason, because I had convinced myself a shower would help me sleep. I decided it was time to see what cutting yourself was all about. I carved the word hate into my leg with a knife. I kind of enjoyed it like someone would enjoy drawing or expressing themselves. I felt no rush from it, and I was disappointed greatly by that. For some reason it relieved a bit of stress and led me to be able to fall asleep.
The next day I was kind of ashamed by it, but not too badly. I showed it to a couple of close friends in kind of a proud way. I have not had any thoughts of repeating this act, and the scars have slowly faded away. I thought i'd share that seeing as it is appropriate to this thread.

But the real reason for this reply is that now I can understand why people cut themselves, and I wish good luck to anyone trying to stop doing it. I read alot of your posts pill thrill, and I hope you are doing good these days! Much love and support to everyone/anyone dealing with this problem!!

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thanks for sharing your story Keepit Chill
It's always great to hear a success story like that. Good to hear you never made a habit of it, a wise choice

 

[stellablue]

The denial that our loved ones feel, are just as hard as what we feel. It goes both ways. Just know it hurts all parties. Read this peom, it can help you understand what the people that love you feel. That way you won't be as hard on them. We all bleed in our own way. Try to talk things out more, and find the ones that can relate. Reach out, there is so much help out here for us cutters.

"Bleed (I Must Be Dreaming)"

How can I pretend that I don't see
What you hide so carelessly?
I saw her bleed
You heard me breathe
And I froze inside myself
And turned away
I must be dreaming

We all live
We all die
That does not begin to justify you

It's not what it seems
Not what you think
No I must be dreaming
It's only in my mind
Not in real life
No I must be dreaming

Help you know I've got to tell someone
Tell them what I know you've done
I fear you but spoken fears can come true

We all live
We all die
That does not begin to justify you

It's not what it seems
Not what you think
No I must be dreaming
It's only in my mind
Not in real life
No I must be dreaming

Not what it seems
Not what you think
I must be dreaming

Just in my mind
Not in real life
I must be dreaming

 

[Pillthrill]

Over my birthday weekend I took a paring knife and sawed at my wrist. Well at least it heals well. Causes pain but doesn't cut as deep and leave nasty scars. Maybe I should change to that. But that only works on certain parts of the body...

 

[HeScoresHeShoots]

That would be me--more so than I do the drug. My drg cravings are pretty minimal, but my needle cravings can be overwhelming at times. I have started to think of this as less drug-related behaviour and more of self-harm behaviour. Would anyone agree?

The needle started out at about 20% of the urge for me and has moved well into the 75-80% since I started booting. I refuse to sniff any drug except suboxone because without the needle the high has become meaningless.

 

[HeScoresHeShoots]

Over my birthday weekend I took a paring knife and sawed at my wrist. Well at least it heals well. Causes pain but doesn't cut as deep and leave nasty scars. Maybe I should change to that. But that only works on certain parts of the body...

Most knifes won't pierce my skin unless I really stick them in and that seems riskier than a sharper instrument but I also have thick skin.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Over my birthday weekend I took a paring knife and sawed at my wrist. Well at least it heals well. Causes pain but doesn't cut as deep and leave nasty scars. Maybe I should change to that. But that only works on certain parts of the body...

PT I am really sorry to hear this. You've been doing so well. Please don't let this be the beginning of a relapse, you don't need to do it.
PM me if you need to talk okay??

 

[Pillthrill]

I cut this weekend too. sean was there. It was the first time he has seen the blood...I had it covered... He freaked. I went back to the bathroom to throw the "band-aid" away. He said "You do it again and we are done!" I later told him that was completely unfair. He said it was the only was he could think of that I wouldn't do it again. I feel stupid about it now...I gave im those razorblades to get rid of...not leave laying around for me to grab. He said it didn't look too bad, I used common sense. I knew they were new and sharp. Still feel stupid.

 

[imnakedrightnow]

i never cut myself to get pleasure but my girl is big cutter and one crazy drunk night she convinced me to let her bring a razor into the bed and i have to say having her cut me and lick my wound was almost one of the best experiences iv had but i just cant handle hurting myself...
i thank god i cant cut myself other whys i would abbbuse it like i always do everything ells

 

[n3ophy7e]

I cut this weekend too. sean was there. It was the first time he has seen the blood...I had it covered... He freaked. I went back to the bathroom to throw the "band-aid" away. He said "You do it again and we are done!" I later told him that was completely unfair. He said it was the only was he could think of that I wouldn't do it again. I feel stupid about it now...I gave im those razorblades to get rid of...not leave laying around for me to grab. He said it didn't look too bad, I used common sense. I knew they were new and sharp. Still feel stupid.

I can kinda understand why he would have that reaction hun. Why did you do it again? Was it the re-discovery of the feeling when you cut the other time before that? What's happened to your coping mechanisms that you had in place before? Because you went for so long without doing it! I hope you don't feel the need to cut again any time soon love. Please PM me if you need/want to okay?? Much love

 

[Pillthrill]

i never cut myself to get pleasure but my girl is big cutter and one crazy drunk night she convinced me to let her bring a razor into the bed and i have to say having her cut me and lick my wound was almost one of the best experiences iv had but i just cant handle hurting myself...
i thank god i cant cut myself other whys i would abbbuse it like i always do everything ells

I've had an experience somewhat like this. But for us, it was vampire blood play. Blood lust is weird. I had my fangs in and bit him and it bled. I carried razors with me, so I made a cut and shared my blood with him. It was highly sexualized, nothing else. Role play. Sorry if TMI, I'm just saying there is a difference between what you do when you are upset and what gets you off...what you do in bed.

 

[Pillthrill]

I can kinda understand why he would have that reaction hun. Why did you do it again? Was it the re-discovery of the feeling when you cut the other time before that? What's happened to your coping mechanisms that you had in place before? Because you went for so long without doing it! I hope you don't feel the need to cut again any time soon love. Please PM me if you need/want to okay?? Much love

I don't even remember what upset me. It was there, I grabbed it and did it. That simple. Now I have something else to hide...

 

[n3ophy7e]

Ahhh yes, I know that automated response all too well myself hun.
I hope you don't do it again

 

[the_ketaman]

Hope all you guys in here are doing good and well.

These Wd's are fucking killing me. Im not a regular cutter, ive only done it one or 2 times(though one of those times was 27 cuts down my shoulder, that was fucked up)

This morning I cut myself 3 times REALLY deep, it actually scared me at first but my mums a nurse so I knew I wasnt in too much trouble, but it felt sooooo good, I dont want to get addicted to this shit. But now I gotta LIE to all my friends, I told them I cut myself on a rusty bit of metal. I hate lying about shit like that, I wish I could tell them but there always in such a good mood and I dont want to bring them down.

My friend got a new puppy though, bull mastiff cross staffy and he's the most beautiful little thing ive ever seen. I was feeling awful then my mate pulled up in his car with the puppy and there was an instant smile on my face. Its amazing how things like that can make you feel so much better.

to all you in here.

 

[imnakedrightnow]

would cutting help with wd symptoms

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hope all you guys in here are doing good and well.

These Wd's are fucking killing me. Im not a regular cutter, ive only done it one or 2 times(though one of those times was 27 cuts down my shoulder, that was fucked up)

This morning I cut myself 3 times REALLY deep, it actually scared me at first but my mums a nurse so I knew I wasnt in too much trouble, but it felt sooooo good, I dont want to get addicted to this shit. But now I gotta LIE to all my friends, I told them I cut myself on a rusty bit of metal. I hate lying about shit like that, I wish I could tell them but there always in such a good mood and I dont want to bring them down.

My friend got a new puppy though, bull mastiff cross staffy and he's the most beautiful little thing ive ever seen. I was feeling awful then my mate pulled up in his car with the puppy and there was an instant smile on my face. Its amazing how things like that can make you feel so much better.

to all you in here.

So sorry to hear that ketaman
Puppies are totally amazing huh! They can just make everything all better, instantly! I hope you get to see the puppy heaps, there's a reason why some hospitals have dogs as a form of therapy

 

[TheDwnwrdSpirl]

I'm a cutter. I'm 20 now and I started when I was 14. I dont do it nearly as often as I used to, and I'm really not sure why. I'm just as depressed, maybe even more. I've recently (within the past week) seen a psyc and got on some antidepresant meds and till they kick in, some anti anxietys. The klonopins are the best thing that has happend to me. They just make me nice and chill. If I do only take one, I have no anxiety, people dont make me mad as easily, and I'm usually in a good mood. When I get angry though somtimes ill take like 4 or 5 times the perscribed dose. Getting high on benzos when you actually need them isnt a good idea. Thats WHen I start to cut uncontrolably, and then horrible thing is, The next day I dont remember. Thats all I can post for now. I have to get to work.
Take care all, and be safe!

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hey DwnwrdSpirl, welcome to the thread
It's good that you recognise that getting high on benzos is a bad idea for you. I completely empathise because when I go through phases of cutting it's always when I'm really really drunk that I have no control over it. And no I mostly don't remember doing it the next day 8)
But I haven't cut for over 4 months now so you can quit too
Please take care!

 

[Pillthrill]

I hate people. I want to cut...drugs don't help. At least when I had Tramadol there was artificial happiness...
A lot of times I don't even feel like I'm in this body. And if I am, why does it matter. Look over the scars..I'm never going to be perfect and pretty. I stole that away from myself when I first took a razor to my skin...and the depression stole, my childhood, my happiness, my friends, my innocence, my love, my life. I won't ever have that back.
There is a lot that I can't get back. I can try to make myself pretty and bright and smile, but somewhere on the side will always be a dark hole slowly sucking me into it. Its its sadness and depths of depression, stealing away my happiness and my light...

 

[TheDwnwrdSpirl]

Hey DwnwrdSpirl, welcome to the thread
It's good that you recognise that getting high on benzos is a bad idea for you. I completely empathise because when I go through phases of cutting it's always when I'm really really drunk that I have no control over it. And no I mostly don't remember doing it the next day 8)
But I haven't cut for over 4 months now so you can quit too
Please take care!

Congrats on the 4 months!
I dont think I will ever REALLY quit. There have been times I havnt done it for a long time, and then one day ill do it a lil, and then I wont do it again for a long time, and I'll do it. Like now I havn't done it in at least two weeks, and I dont know when I'll do it again, but I know I will.