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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Cutting v. 2

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FictitiousThinking said:
Craving that sweet high of that blade against my skin
its been 4 or 5 weeks past the last time.
I think part of the reason is i cant get any drugs
i need help.....
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That's really good that you recognise that you need help. That's one of the hardest steps to take the road to getting better.

Do you trust your GP enough to talk about this with them? Is there a counselling service offered in your community? If you just start by seeing someone professtional, they will help you or at very least point you in the right direction.

The main thing is to not be afraid or ashamed of getting help. We've all been there.

It might also help to talk to a really close friend or family member about what you're going through too, although we all know that can be impossible or just make the situation worse, so don't worry too much about that one. Just try to focus on getting some professional help.

Last but certainly not least, you can ALWAYS come to this forum to discuss what you're going through. We all care and we all understand.

Good luck <3 <3 <3
 
I cut today.........pretty damn deep, I just couldn't stop because the release was so overwelming. Now I could be in trouble, hope it will be ok. :|
 
i ending up cutting yesterday but it was only one cut and it proved to me that i dont need this. I told my mom and she was supportive. Im going to make this the last time!
 
FictitiousThinking said:
i ending up cutting yesterday but it was only one cut and it proved to me that i dont need this. I told my mom and she was supportive. Im going to make this the last time!
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That's great FT!! Very brave <3
 
stellablue said:
I cut today.........pretty damn deep, I just couldn't stop because the release was so overwelming. Now I could be in trouble, hope it will be ok. :|
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Is it all contained now? Do you feel okay?
Remember, we all have slip-ups. It doesn't mean you've fallen off-track, just a minor set-back. It certainly doesn't mean that you have to start cutting more often.
 
^ I have it wrapped atm, but I am hopeful that it will not need antibiotics. I am so pissed at myself though. Why do I do this to myself? I hate myself so badly afterwards. :(
 
Try not to beat yourself up about it stella. Maybe try to focus on the positives instead, like how long since the last time it was before you cut yourself, and try to go for even longer this time. It doesn't matter that you've done it again, we've all had little set-backs. Just as long as you keep aiming for the goal of not doing it anymore. <3
 
stellablue said:
Why do I do this to myself? I hate myself so badly afterwards. :(
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I think you're experiencing a cycle of guilt that is somewhat self-perpetuating. You cut to feel better, but it just makes you feel worse. Which makes you want to cut again.

View yourself from a place of boundless compassion <3
Cutting comes from a place of intense psychic pain. The only thing that can cure it is love, love, and more love! Invite the hurting, child-Stella into your heart and pour love into your pain.
 
^ Wow, that was very wise chic, my problem is the child-Stella wasn't a pleasant time for me. I was almost never felt safe. Where is ones safety zone? :\
 
I think what I need to do atm is work on making a new child-stella and become a little more healed. Then move on to try and reshape myself in terms of how I see myself as the adult-stella. Hope that makes sense.....or am I losing ground.......who knows, but I must try.......because if I end it now after all I have seen, well, it will all be in vain, and will I wouldn't be forgiven if I didn't make it. I want to know I am not doomed to be unforgiven of those that I love and love me. :|


I want to be good no matter what happens, but letting go of the past is not that easy. I want to be fine if I fall on my face or become wounded. I want to be loved even when I am sick or sad or just me. Will I be loved even when I numb myself? I know I am not by my family. But the Pain is so fucking great at times it takes my breath. Ever lose your breath? Ever make a mistake that hits you so close in your soul that your not whole, and you feel you were a lot at fault. How do you let go of the dead that you feel you couldn't help....especially your loved ones. I hate to fail, and feel the blood on my hands of the ones that are gone.
 
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stellablue said:
I think what I need to do atm is work on making a new child-stella and become a little more healed. Then move on to try and reshape myself in terms of how I see myself as the adult-stella. Hope that makes sense.....or am I losing ground.......who knows, but I must try.......because if I end it now after all I have seen, well, it will all be in vain, and will I wouldn't be forgiven if I didn't make it. I want to know I am not doomed to be unforgiven of those that I love and love me. :|


I want to be good no matter what happens, but letting go of the past is not that easy. I want to be fine if I fall on my face or become wounded. I want to be loved even when I am sick or sad or just me. Will I be loved even when I numb myself? I know I am not by my family. But the Pain is so fucking great at times it takes my breath. Ever lose your breath? Ever make a mistake that hits you so close in your soul that your not whole, and you feel you were a lot at fault. How do you let go of the dead that you feel you couldn't help....especially your loved ones. I hate to fail, and feel the blood on my hands of the ones that are gone.
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Stella you need to stop blaming yourself for things that have happened in the past. Part of being human is making mistakes, but it's also part of life that you learn from those mistakes and move forward in your journey.
What about your lovely girls? Do they give you grounding and meaning in life? They need you. <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
Stella you need to stop blaming yourself for things that have happened in the past.
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i totally agree with this! stella, u need to realise wat a luvly person u r
u hav nothing to punish urself for!
 
I really wanted to cut today. Just to feel some physical pain. But I didn't. I didn't keep a date or anything but I'm guessing its been over a month now. I might just be kicking it!
 
good for u pillthrill - im guessing its like cravings for any addictive behaviour
the longer u go without the more the cravings die except at times of stress etc
just my guess tho
 
Pillthrill said:
I really wanted to cut today. Just to feel some physical pain. But I didn't. I didn't keep a date or anything but I'm guessing its been over a month now. I might just be kicking it!
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That's excellent PT!! <3
You should be very proud of yourself that you didn't do it.
 
n3ophy7e said:
What about your lovely girls? Do they give you grounding and meaning in life? They need you. <3
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They do ground me. It's just my oldest is living with my mom this school year because she likes the school better where my mom lives. I still see her every weekend, but it isn't the same for me. I miss her terribly during the week. I just want to do whats best for her, and not be selfish. She truly is a good kid. I just want to be there for her, but don't know how to be. My two youngest daughters are doing great. They are both in school, and doing well with it. I just miss my oldest, and wished I could provide better. I know things would be different if her dad was still alive. So with that it just makes me ill to think about. Just thought I would give you a little better idea of how I am feeling atm, you know? :\
 
Thanks for sharing stella. It must be hard for you, I can't even imagine because I'm not a mum yet.
Have you ever seen a counsellor? Sorry if that sounds patronising (that's not what I'm intending at all) but I'm a firm believer in talking through your thoughts/problems.
 
Regression

back when things were awful and I was depressed I used to cut a lot, and it definitely helped. I made the conscious decision to stop cutting before I kicked depression and that was a massive turning point. I just wanted to stop scarring myself. I love the look of skin with self-harm scars, love it and hate it for all the terrible connotations. When people show you their self-harm scars it's like a little bit of their soul, you have to take it seriously.

I haven't done it in nearly a year and even though I want to whenever I feel down again, I try and cheer myself up instead. I don't rely on it anymore. What I do still have is the remains of the pain I used to feel... and also a strange obsession with blood, knives, razor blades- it comes back to me every now and again.

One strange thing I have noticed is people who self harm tend to end up together. If I look at all my closest friends, and at certain freindship circles its obvious that people who are more likely to self-harm mostly seem to be friends with eachother. It could just be a quirk of personality, as opposed to an actual 'copycat' thing, I'm not sure.

long post... but I had to get it off my chest sorry :\
Freq.
 
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