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cutters - you are not alone. (merged)

This summer was really harsh for me. I was cutting just about every day. Now I'm back living with a roommate and I'm paranoid about my colleagues asking me about the bandaids/scabs/scars. I'm trying very very hard not to cut while here soley for that reason. I'm on day 3 right now, and, this may sound ridiculous, but I'm experiencing some sorts of withdrawal.

My wrists literally ACHE and I'm consumed in the fear that I'm going to lose my fancy for the blade. I realize this is all my fucking head but, damn, I want to cut so badly. Maybe if it's just my legs...
 
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I get that withdrawl thing, too. if anything, for me though, college and roommates has just made it worse, after a bad summer, too. I hope it'll go on its way soon...
 
i still havent cut. i cant. i work plus i always feel better a few days down the road. i dont know i just dont feel anything about my scars like.. i dont feel ashamed, but i kind of feel its silly because im feeling fine now, but i still have scars. *shrug* i accept everything about myself. including the way i cope sometimes :)
 
Have a friend who is prone to self-harm aka "cutting'. He does is for a sense of release, like all his feelings well up and then he hits this apparently 'rational' point where he calmly decides to cut, like a physical and emotional detached state. He says the only thing that makes the vortex of emotions ease off is to cut, he doesn't feel the physical pain and also the emotional pain behind his actions, just total detachment and relief. I have suggested that if he dealt with his feelings as they arose he wouldn't get such a build up and then feel the compulsion to cut for release..... Even though he's seeing a shrink the behaviour continues
 
I started cutting at my wrists again. I'm pretty sure my entire life is a paradoxical mess. I hate that I'm a cutter.. I hate that I feel like I need to do something as stupid as marking my body to feel better. But at the same time, I love entertaining it. Recently I've grown to also love the fleeting idea that *maybe* this time I'll actually go through finishing it off. Then I realize what I'm happy about and get terrified.
 
ive fallen back into it. life is shit. fuck the scars.
maybe one day ill have the balls to end it. till then theres just the cuts...
 
I want to stop.
I've talked myself out of it a few times this past week, and that's a huge step. It wasn't just avoiding it that time, it was really asking what it would do for me, and realizing it's not worth it.

I want this all behind me now. it's scary to think about not having it to fall back on, but for the first time, I am not actually scared.

I might need help but I think I am ready.
 
i went to get help. its only the beginning. they scripted me benzos to take instead of cutting. bad idea on their behalf but im not complaining. the cutting continues. under the influence of benzos and alcohol... maybe i jus thave a self destructive personality

there have been questions about the cuts on my wrists and the burns on my arms.

im keeping it solely to my legs now. but does anyone feel that its not the same ?.
 
Cutting is the ultimate way of releasing the self hatred I have for myself. I deserve to put myself thru the pain, I deserve to hurt myself, I deserve to have scars. I am a bad person.
Also there isn't anything to do when you hate yourself, you cant direct your anger at anyone else or anything, only you, so all you wana do is take it out on you by going psycho with a craft knife or whatever.....
Used to do quite a bit of this when i was 13, and could never understand why I felt the urge to do it, now that I'm older it makes complete sense. It's fully a way of dealing, cos I can't deal with the feelings I have inside, so I've gotta get them out in some outward physical form.
Was talking to someone who said that an alternative if you really feel like hurting yourself (a less destructive, but still painful method) is to get a handful of ice cubes and hold them in your hands till you can't anymore. Havent tried it.... I'm sure it would hurt, and I do want to wean myself off cutting, cos its just a phase, so might try it ,as a step towards more self-loving behaviour

but yeah.... fully identify with y'all
 
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I'm happy that I was able to stop cutting myself few months back. I did it quite a long time till I was at point were I realized that I need to stop doing it and right away. I hated myself and world and even my close friends. I thought they hate me so I hated them back even so that they actually didn't hate me. I got over it and my NEED to cut myself dissapeared when I got over hating everything. What I'm trying to say here is that you shouldent hate everything. I know that isn't so easy, but it may be only way to stop. Just ask questions from yourself whay you're really doing it and I bet you don't find any rational answer to that question or any other. Just find help if you don't be able to do it alone or go to some person like psyhatrist or some other doctor.
I've been over this road myself couple of times and wish all good to you cutters out there.
 
damn i thought i had issues. does marliyn manson really make people cut themselves? I have every manson cd to date and i haven't heard any references to cutting yourself.

Good luck to you all trying to get through this.
 
anyone have visible scars n' wants them removed, or has in the past. how did you go about it ? thx in advance, peace!
 
Resisting cutting is getting increasingly difficult. Saturday my parents told me (after 27 years of marriage) that they're filing for divorce. I'm not going to blabber on about how much this change of events has altered my perception of who I consider my foundation, but I will say it's been very trying.

My reaction to the news has been surprisingly violent. I've never been an aggressive person but I've caught myself lately wanting to punch things more often. So, as usual I've been resorting to some cutting. It's all that has been helping. But, I feel so fucking selfish for doing this to myself now. My mother is devistated. So, when my mom asks if I've been cutting I don't want be the cause of even more sorrow and worry. I don't lie so that's not really an option, yet I seem to stop myself. //needs strength
 
dapurpman said:
anyone have visible scars n' wants them removed, or has in the past. how did you go about it ? thx in advance, peace!
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nope. mine will always be there. And I hate it. So fucking unnecessary. Wish I had thought a little more about the consequences, all that time back.
 
^ i hear ya, i feel the exact same way... hopefully a dr. in beverly hills can help me out.
 
damn i thought i had issues. does marliyn manson really make people cut themselves? I have every manson cd to date and i haven't heard any references to cutting yourself.
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how retarded do you want to be? Marilyn Manson or any other band for that matter dont tell you to self harm, its just something you start to do, music has no influence in it (although some songs can trigger you)
 
i got my arm tonight.
first time i've donemy arm in like, years...
i have no way to hide it, and i'm fucking pissed.
i tried to talk myself out of it, but all i was really doing was talking myself into it more...

and all my scars.. i've been so upset about them recently, how i've destroyed myself.. i look like a fucking train track. and then i go and do it again, after i decided to stop?

i honestly don't know what it is gonna take, i'm so many years deep into this and have tried so many things and i keep letting it come back.

:(
 
syymphonatic dont stop trying to quit - the more you try the easier it becomes, ive been self harming for three years, for 2 years of that cutting every day just to make it through, ive been ''clean'' for 5 days now and before then it was 2 weeks, i tried to stop bout 6 months ago and it does get easier - im proof of that.

Dont stop trying - if you stop what was the point in even trying in the first place?
 
I'm not gonna stop trying to quit... I've been doing this shit since 8th grade, I'm a freshman in college now... and I have successfully stopped for like, up to 6 months at a time, I'm just angry that after so much, I still can't shake it, even if it's just one little slip up... yeah.
 
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