Cut

[(Wordy)]

You cut
on the faultline.

Your eyes lash.

Fillet.

Green-raw
sected
flowerstem.

I leave pens
in hotspots
and you leave
knives.

The fish
with deep red gills
are the fresh.

For eating,
not selling.

Filler?

You don't cut
with sugar.


(c) Stu Hatton 2006

http://wordyness.blogspot.com/2006/08/cut-2006.html

(This one isn't quite there yet - please feel free to critique.)

 

[Toltecsuperhero]

I like. It took me two or three readings to get what you're going for here. I especially like the first two lines.
It gives me the feeling of you writing on the kitchen counter while someone "important" is making dinner or at least something all are ready to consume... someone "significant" who knows how to cut straight to the quick.
The rhythm was what sang to me. It sounds like the first raindrops of the biggest storm I've ever known.
I may be completely off on this, but the only thing that seems out of place is the flower reference, but then again I may be missing the point entirely...
Wouldn't be the first time

 

[(Wordy)]

Thanks.

Yeah, the flower reference has been bugging me - I've changed the wording many times. I definitely want it in there, and I want the raw green of the freshly cut flowerstem to offset the raw red of the freshly caught fish.

I think it's just a matter of choosing my wording very carefully. At the moment it's a little obscure. I'd like to retain the word "sected" if I can though (as a shortening of "dissected", "vivisected", etc).