Could i be addicted?

[SoCalShordie]

Usually weekends every two weeks..sometimes more if I run out beforehand. If I get 4.5 I can make it last the same amount of days. But if I get out of hand and blow it all before the weekend is over, then I get more. No less than a band since I have to drive to get it.

Is your usage causing any issues in your relationships, finances, or other areas of your life?

 

[SoCalShordie]

I remained addicted to heroin long past the point where the cost outweighed the benefits, because I still thought that I NEEDED it somehow.

I went from 'heroin is the best thing on the planet ever' to 'I just need heroin to function'. In other words I felt I couldn't exist without it. There was no longer any 'positive' pleasure, ie the extra cherry on the cake, but what one might call 'negative' pleasure, ie the sheer relief of not suffering withdrawal.

This shift doesn't negate the fact that I actively WANTED it. The extra feel-good factor is what people generally think of as 'pleasure', but elimination of something UNpleasant can also be experienced in this way, and frequently IS.

Think of finally downing a glass of ice-cold water on a hot summer's day when you've been sweating and thirsty for hours. Think of how blissful it feels to slide into a warm bath when you've been freezing to the bone in ice-cold rain. Elimination of discomfort absolutely DOES equal a pleasurable sensation.

.. And no I am not 'confused'. I had the clearest thoughts I ever had when I realised what impulses were driving my addiction. Which is to say that even in my most fucked-up moments, the fact was I WANTED another hit, even if it only was because I felt like I physically REQUIRED another hit to not be miserable. Which acted like a reward in itself.

Heck, sometimes I even DELIBERATELY chose to suffer withdrawal symptoms for another couple hours AFTER I had already scored, just so the relief would be all the sweeter for it. I know plenty of others who do / have done the same.

Couldn't have said this any better

 

[Keif' Richards]

I think, therefore I am, someone once said.

I understand that you made this thread already knowing the answer to your own question. I'm an addict also. It is telling when you mention your children specifically. On one hand, the practical one, you are doing things right. You are paying the bills, stopping when you need to and you appear to be sane. On the other, more emotional and abstract hand, you know there is something inside you that is guilty and ashamed of this habit.

I don't believe using drugs makes a person worthy of shame. Still, it's not as if a person can use Cocaine on a regular basis without it having an effect on their life. You are not a different person under the influence of Cocaine, but you're not really yourself either. Cocaine is a drug that "takes". I believe your shame and apprehension mostly come from the knowledge that parts of your life, with yourself and with your family, is being taken by Cocaine.

First it is the personality. Children look to their parents for stability in this world. If your kid looks at you and knows something is different, even if it's not something terrible, it's unsettling. Even though you're paying you bills and doing okay, that Coke money could be any number of things. How much have you spent on Coke and then think of all the things that money could have gone to. Sure, perhaps you had fun, but they aren't even the genuinely great memories that we make. I know conversation when two people are on Cocaine can seem like "dude, we could solve the world's problems... TONIGHT. Bring me some crayons and more Cocaine", but those moments are not "great" moments.

I know it's easier said than done. However, you have to adjust your philosophy, if you are asking my opinion. You have to tell yourself, "I'm going to spend this money, get high and then the money will be gone with nothing to show for it". When you're young and doing stupid things already, I wouldn't bother with this diatribe. You and I are both older than young. We both have seen what Cocaine has to offer. It's not as if it has infinite possibilities like LSD, it's got one or maybe two.

When there is no longer a reason to experiment; when you are old enough to know better, this is just a waste. I opened with that phrase because, in my experience, the question itself implies there is a problem.

It's a classic, "who am I hurting?" scenario. If nobody is getting hurt, how can it be bad? Not all drugs are toxic. Cocaine is cardiotoxic. People have heart attacks and die from both Acute and Chronic administration. If you get taken from your kids, even if they're grown, how will they feel? What if, God forbid, something truly awful happened. You need a lawyer, a doctor, a life-saving operation or anything in between; you will then have to ponder all the money you put up your nose while you or someone you love is unable to get the help they need.

I am not implying this makes you a bad person or evil or anything at all like that. You asked and I wanted to give you what I felt was the truth. There is likely something in your heart that feels bad for being high in front of your kids. I have had the same feeling around my Mother or my (11 years younger) brother, who I had a big part in bringing up.

I think these feelings are good. They are a sign that you've got a moral compass. I had the same feelings. If I wanted to spend every dollar on Heroin, I could so long as I wasn't hurting another person. My compass was wobbling too though. I knew that thought process was my own addiction justifying my behavior to myself. Nobody was "getting hurt" based on the parameters I was using. I didn't rob any old ladies. I worked for my money, I didn't scam anyone... I wasn't even necessarily being dishonest.

Well, in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't right. My Mother gave up many, many things to raise myself and my brothers. I was born with a cleft lip and palate. In the olden days, I would have been left outside to freeze. I had a Mom willing to put a feeding tube down my throat 3-5 times a day for months, bring me to doctor's appointments, surgeries, not to mention everything else she did. If my Mom said she would be somewhere, she would be there. I have now met people in this world who would have just killed to have someone like that in their life who loved them unconditionally.

At the very least, I knew if I wasn't being the best person I was capable of being, then I wasn't appreciating the love that my Mother gave me. That awesome, cool guy my little brother looked up to; he wouldn't be looking up to me being beaten up by a drug dealer for paying him late. He wouldn't have anyone to look up to if I were dead either. I told him he could count on me. That is my version of "I'm not hurting anybody" and that's not even all of it. Don't get me started on romantic relationships.

I hope I am not severely missing the mark here. This is what the thread meant to me.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Is your usage causing any issues in your relationships, finances, or other areas of your life?

Yep that's the salient point. Even being an addict doesn't necessarily mean you are dysfunctional. My late best mate was a long-term junkie and he held down a job as a plasterer and house facade restorer. His rule was methadone only for working hours, which can be accurately dosed, and just enough of that to keep him ticking over.

PS he finally got done out of that job by a mindlessly prejudiced interfering bitch of a customer that he did excellent work for.
She had ZERO complaints about his work. He hadn't stolen from her. He hadn't been high on the job. Just seeing the needle marks on his arms when he rolled up his shirt sleeves because the weather was hot was reason enough for her to call his boss and get him sacked.