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controversial rape fantasy

Raz

Raz

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 11, 2002
Messages
7,329
Location
In an igloo made of asbestos and chicken-wire.
the only reason
i asked you
to stop
is because
you let me

punch me till
the light flashes white
till my stomach pulls
with the tense ache
of a body that knows
it's wanted
till i'm cold with fear
and all i see is your bicep
pumped
all i feel
is consciousness leaving
as quickly
as it can

this feels so good

this feels so good

..
 
Oh, the rush of being dominated and helpless. Add a lil pain and sexual stimulation and you've got a wicked ride.

My problem with this is, it's not rape. It's not rape if you want it. Rape makes me sick and is fucking disgusting. This is just someone who wants a stranger to have some hardcore ruff sex with them. Situational fanstasy. The punching until white light flashes is a lil much... so maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the person was raped already, and now the experience has manifested itself in their mind, creating a fantasy of what feels good.

Either way, I like it. Well written. Specially like this :

till my stomach pulls
with the tense ache
of a body that knows
it's wanted
 
(Wordy) said:
I like.

If I can make a small suggestion: maybe remove 'controversial' from the title?
Click to expand...

Thanks!

I dunno if I love it so much, but it's the first new thing I have written for a while....I really don't like how it ends actually, I think I tend to overuse that 'repeated line as an ending' thing and it's a bit lazy....

The title is really a bit of a dig at people who post things that are really graphic and intended to be shocking and CONTROVERSIAL! when really they're anything but controversial because it's such a transparent grab for attention. But then I don't think that matches the tone of the piece at all, so maybe I should change it.

Thanks for feedback y'all! :)
 
good to see you writing again Raz. :)

i could see this maybe extended a little bit and honed, some good little tidbits in there. :)
 
Hahah, Well the word controversial did provoke my hatred for rape, and therefor the angle of my reply.

But all that aside, as stated above, good stuff.
 
Yeah, I've been thinking about the 'controversial' thing. I take it back: maybe it should stay.

Mysterier said:
good to see you writing again Raz. :)

i could see this maybe extended a little bit and honed, some good little tidbits in there. :)
Click to expand...

Agreed. You've made a promising start, but this has the potential to be a truly awesome piece, I reckon.
 
I dunno, controversial made me feel there was some desire for shock value....ether way, t was well written....I lke the repetiton of the last two lnes. :)
 
hey, i liked it, i might even have liked it more if you repeated the last line AGAIN but with a different break?

suggest switching words punch with smack or other word? it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of it. (ache, pull are less abrasive than punch?)

but i liked it, and you don't have to take my suggestion.

punch me till
the light flashes white
till my stomach pulls
with the tense ache
of a body that knows
it's wanted

vs

smack me till
the light flashes white
till my stomach pulls
with the tense ache
of a body that knows
it's wanted

?
 
I think punch makes it feel more real. I know girls that like to get smacked during sex. But punched, that's more for rape.
 
Controversial in the title prepares the reader.

I get the feeling you write from experience ;)

Good to see you again.
 
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