Constructive criticism wanted (New song / poem)

[That-Strange-Guy]

[Part One]
(This is just something I wrote to help me express how I have been feeling after having issues over some girl for stupid reasons)
(Lately I have been trying to run back to something I know I don't want..... And it's killing me...... )


Every day now, walking with a fake smile,
All around, being followed by a raincloud;
And I'm soaking wet from all the loneliness,
Since the moment that we gave out,
Man I'm about to break down,
And I'm trying to find a way out,
So for now, I'm saying bye-bye to my braincells.
I just drank down a whole bottle,
Thinking that it may help, but now I got more problems;
And more drama,
and I'm tired of this so proper,Soap-opera show,
I don't watch them no, I don't want to know,
whats gonna happen next,
But I can bet, that it wont involve happiness.
And I've been trying to make it better every chance I get,
But then, you ended up getting mad again.
Dammit, I've had enough crap, So do I want you to come back?
Nah, fuck that...

 

[That-Strange-Guy]

[Part two]
(This girl actually was jealous of the music I listened to because she felt like I shut her out when it was on.. Which was every second of every day in my case... But after having a great night last night with another woman it has inspired me to finally get this all off my chest. This song is helping me release my emotions and move past all this. )
(Any comments would be appreciated)



I remember drowning my childhood with music,
The songs would talk so soft on the sound of the bongos,
And the kicks would share,
Artists would relate to my problems and the snare was there,
Whenever I'd want them.
I was lonely a lot cause, nobody talks to the socially awkward,
So I used my headphones as a doctor,
To help fill the hole where my heart was.
Filled only with darkness,
Never magical, only a carpet.
But I breathed disappointment and hardship,
Cause a lantern cant burn without oil to spark it.
And the flower that poisoned the garden,
Has bloomed to a beauty that no one can harness.
And i'm part of an army who lives for orchestras.
It's more than just a beat.

It was funny, I went out with somebody,
Who told me I loved her less than stupid words and a beat.
Stupid words and a beat!? Sorry I don't think your the person for me.
Because personally, these words and the beat,
Are the perfect release, when I hurt underneath.
It hurts me to leave, but I'm sure that I need,
More moral support, from my girl don't you think?
I think I deserve just a slight taste, cause come on your my girlfriend for christ sakes.
I hope that the person, you look for in my place,
Is happy, because I'm certain that I aint.
And yes I know the world aint a nice place,
But it wouldn't hurt to try... Thanks.
So while your texting your girls on your cellphone,
The beat will welcome me like hello.



(I have never been much of a song writer, but I used to write poems. I just figured I owe back to music what it has done for me. Enjoy )

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

Well you should become much of a songwriter because I like most part 1 a lot, and about half of part 2 is pretty good.
The whole thing flows pretty well in terms of the actual rhythm and rhyme.
Some of the phrases seem a little corny to me and the rhymes seem really stretched or at times, but you'll develop your true voice the more and more you write.

What style of music do you envision this lyric to go along with? I think it can be a good rock song personally.
Keep writing and sharing! This is a great start.
I'd suggest trying to re-write the whole thing, top to bottom, not to try and replace it, but just to try and see if you can express the same feelings in a different way. Practicing that will give you better control over the language and flexibility in your phrasing.
I'm sure if you had any sort of real feelings for this girl that you can write a lot more than this. I know I wrote pages and pages after any of my break-ups. I wrote the same song over and over and it really helped make me feel better.

 

[That-Strange-Guy]

Well I am very limited on instruments I play. I guess I just used the term "song" because it seems like that more than a free verse poem, but the words in my head came out more as a poem but more on hiphop based rhyme scheme (extended and drawn out) even though I wasn't aiming for a hiphop song.

I agree some of it is corny, and looking back on it now the corny phrases jump out at me.
I plan to eventually re-write all of it but I just wanted to see what BL thought of it. I spent quite a few hours writing this so I wanted to see where it stood in the eyes of others.

Thanks for your comment, good advice.

 

[TheUncreated]

Thematically, I like it a lot. My only advice would be some slight tweak to the meter. Maybe eliminate "being" in line two of part 1. It seems to flow better. However, that is a completely personal stylistic element, so it obviously is entirely up to you and your tastes.

Happy writing!

 

[TheUncreated]

Thematically, I like it a lot. My only advice would be some slight tweak to the meter. Maybe eliminate "being" in line two of part 1. It seems to flow better. However, that is a completely personal stylistic element, so it obviously is entirely up to you and your tastes.

Happy writing!