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considering suicide

junctionalfunkie

junctionalfunkie

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 8, 2006
Messages
2,710
Location
Lying in the gutter, but looking at the stars.
I have been considering suicide the past year or two. Essentially, life is more pain than it's worth.

I emailed the following to my mom tonight:

Of course my "previous message was so sad." As I have been not-so-subtly trying to convey to you and my father, who are obviously from a generation before psychotherapy was taken seriously, I AM SERIOUSLY CLINICALLY DEPRESSED. While in Seattle, I seriously considered suicide many many times. Apparently, you felt that a two-day pep talk from you and your clueless husband would solve this, but that is, unfortunately not the way mental illness works.

Well, since back in Texas, things are a bit better, but life still essentially sucks. Since I am in no position to receive mental health care, and don't want to die quite yet, I have decided the only alternative is to get back on hard narcotics immediately. At least when I take heroin every day, the pain of being alive is manageable. If I die sometime in the process, at least it will me painless (for me, at least).

When you came to see me in Seattle, your rationale was "Peter, do you really want me to spend the last years of my life worrying about you?" Not a thought of my pain or what might be done about it. "Snap out of it," was the extent of your "advice."

Well, don't trouble your head worrying about me anymore. Spend your time worrying whether all the kitchen cupboards and unused bedroom doors are closed and whatever else it takes your control-freak husband to get thru the day without a coronary.

Whatever happens, you are not to blame. I know you did the best you could. I love you. If I don't see you anymore in this world, I''ll see you in the next one.

There is another world. There is a better world. There must be.


I have 3.5 g strong heroin and 500 mg alprazolam powder. I will dqpend the next few days writing long letters to dear friends, as well as getting a notarized statement abvsolving my girlfriend of all blame.

I just can't take the pain anymore. This is my life and this is what I choose to do with it. I feel it's my right.

Goodbye Bluelight. Thanks for all the help over the years. sorry to disappoint.

Selah. :)
 
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Hey man. Why exactly is suicide the only option? As far as I can tell, you're depressed, and possibly not getting the help you need and deserve. Also, it appears you're having problems with your family.

However, you mention you have dear friends and a girlfriend. Think how they will feel if you end it. Think how your parents would feel.

Why exactly do you think you have no options left?
 
JF, what is hurting you so bad? And why do you think you can't work through it?
 
JF I would be SO sad to see you go from BL, I really enjoy your posts. And I'm just a pair of eyes over the internet - I can't imagine that your friends and girlfriend wouldn't be utterly devastated if you commit suicide. Especially after everything they've come through with you. Just think about the pain they would feel - really think about it.


















































Are you picturing it? Please just truly think about this for me- Picture their face when they find out, or find you. Picture their pain as they grieve for you. Picture them in thirty years time wishing they could share something with you. Wishing for a laugh, or to be held, or a hand to squeeze. Wishing with their whole body you hadn't killed yourself all those years ago, and still feeling that pain and missing you.

I'm not trying to guilt-trip you, just trying to make you really see it from a different point of view. I am on the other side of this situation - one of my dear friends is trying so fucking hard to kill herself. The thing is, she's trying so hard to die, she can't find a way of living. When she finally gets it right, it will pulverise me. And I will still be thinking of her in 30, 50, 60 years time. Please don't do this to the people who love you.
 
you still have parents, and even a freakin girlfriend! Just there you are far better off than many people.

obviously I don't know much about you, but I am assuming you are physically healthy, and you have people that care about you. These are things that other people dream about having.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Go on a vacation, go camping, do something. save up some cash, go to canada, and visit a ibogaine clinic. I have read that many people who have tripped off that have cured their depression.

Go outside, lay in the grass and stare at the sky. there are so many amazing things in life that people take for granted. the sky, clouds, trees, animals, everything around you.

whatever your problem is, it isn't worth dying for. why gamble on there being an afterlife? do anything you can to make the best of this life.

don't be a coward, life gets hard sometimes, but whatever your situation is at the moment, it is far better than a vast amount of the people on this earth. killing yourself would be the easy way out, once you do it ya can't undo it.

you seem like a good person, and the world needs more good people, don't be selfish.

one day you will be in the middle of doing something, whatever it may be, and realize that you are smiling, and that you no longer feel empty or horrible on the inside.

dont give up just yet
 
jf soz i dint catch u earlier wen u were on line. in fact 3 of us were. watchin n listening.

iv checked out yer journal. u like trippin.
& only last weekend u were high.
i gess that's how it goes. up & down.
i'm lucky i'm not a hard user only dabbled and now share only cannabis w friends . but i've helped some1 off heroin. & some1 else to stay on methadone (instead of heroin) + now she's in rehab. the other is back on the healthy road to a 'normal' life. without drug dependency. i too have control freak parents. in fact all 4 of my close family r. + it nearly killed me. i gess we were so different + they weren't willin 2 understand or compromise to be 'near me' ie get 2 no the real me.

gettin ur family out of the way of you - is really helpful on the way 2 finding urself. they really are on ur path. in the way. that means u have to be prepared 2 stand on ur own. scary but good. much better. & u can be urself. that's the 1st step to being yourself.

i think , i no u enjoy havin a good time. iv not taken dmt but iv had ayahuasca and that was a beautiful experience. There are many! worlds and u'v experienced them i'm sure as i have. there's even.. better worlds here on earth. so think about stayin and tryin to find them and hang onto them . u have friends here on bluelight who will help u thru if u decide 2. of course the decision is urs. sometimes it's the only thing besides r names we feel we do own: the right to decide whether to live or die. & control freak parents who we hold dear & close 2 us and therefore close enuf to influence and harm us if they r v different to us and don't understand us at all.. can push us to wanting to make at least this 1 choice for ourselves. but don't give in to them. ITS YOUR LIFE! NOT THEIRS. they've had their chances + that's all they can cum up w on this planet. cupboards and keepin the dust off. so it luks good for others. i no. mine r jus the same. it's maddeningly patheticically unalive. compared to dmt and being v alive! u'v felt the opposite. so hang on to LIFE. that's what u enjoy. don't forget that. it's hard hanging onto what u love, when others all around u in a circle r threatening u w other lesser realities and tellin u they're real and urs in not. what u believe in is worthless and nothing. yeah. iv lived in my own world all my life. it's better. and now i've thrown and pushed away sumtimes physically all the people around me especially those close who were damaging me. with their stronger enforced views on me. now i have created my own space + am attracting to me butterflies and pretty people like me. happy people. not people who wanted to prey on me and cripple me. like they do u - coz Ur Different. so.. i hop u log bk on . sorry it's been long. but i think u'v suffered frm behaviour around u Longterm which has hurt u and brought u to this. and it helps to understand why... if u want to maybe stick around w us.
 
Hey man, I don't know you, but if your contemplating suicide, it means you've lead an interesting life. I'd love to be your friend in a hard time. Life may suck, but the least you can do is make the best of it. I'd love to talk for a bit. Don't kill yourself just yet, I'd like to learn from what you've got to teach before your wisdom goes to waste.

I'm not gonna be dramatic or talk about your suicide, I'd just like to know what you've gone through. Please PM me with your AIM screen name. I've thought about suicide myself in the past, maybe you can help me avoid it in the future?
 
Thanks for the replies and support. I posted this last night on about 12 mg xanax and a six-pack (rarely drink alcohol).

Life is not so much painful, as extraordinarily boring at times. Other times, I'm fascinated by the beauty of the world. A bit of a paradox.

My parents don't seem to believe in depression, and that was the main reason for my letter to my mother.

I'll write more later, I'm at work. Thanks, everyone. :)
 
PLEASE do not turn to suicide. As someone who has been there and seen the emotional aftermath of a friend that committed suicide... it hurts more than you will ever know. Sometimes we think no one cares and sometimes we need to look and see that people DO care. At my friends funeral I realized how many people cared about and loved my friend, but he just couldn't see it. And that's okay, he is not at fault for that. Perhaps we needed to show him our love more. But people did care, and people are about you. There is at least one person in the world that would be more than devastated if something happened to you. Turn to who you think that one person is. Turn to everyone you think would hurt. Someone will hold you up when you reach out to them. Those that don't honestly don't deserve you... and they aren't worth the pain.

If anything, please contact me on AIM (screen name is NeoMeeko) I am online a lot and can talk to you, or anyone else, that is down and just needs someone to talk to. Please keep your head up. Life is so beautiful, it is just a matter of waiting for the rainbow after the storm. And there is ALWAYS a rainbow after the storm... you just need to look for it.

**hugs**
 
starEkstasis said:
iv checked out yer journal. u like trippin.
& only last weekend u were high.
i gess that's how it goes. up & down.

i think , i no u enjoy havin a good time. iv not taken dmt but iv had ayahuasca and that was a beautiful experience.

There are many! worlds and u'v experienced them i'm sure as i have. there's even.. better worlds here on earth. so think about stayin and tryin to find them and hang onto them .

u have friends here on bluelight who will help u thru if u decide 2. of course the decision is urs.
sometimes it's the only thing besides r names we feel we do own: the right to decide whether to live or die. & control freak parents who we hold dear & close 2 us and therefore close enuf to influence and harm us if they r v different to us and don't understand us at all.. can push us to wanting to make at least this 1 choice for ourselves. but don't give in to them. ITS YOUR LIFE! NOT THEIRS. they've had their chances + that's all they can cum up w on this planet. cupboards and keepin the dust off. so it luks good for others. i no. mine r jus the same. it's maddeningly patheticically unalive. compared to dmt and being v alive! u'v felt the opposite. so hang on to LIFE. that's what u enjoy. don't forget that. it's hard hanging onto what u love, when others all around u in a circle r threatening u w other lesser realities and tellin u they're real and urs in not. what u believe in is worthless and nothing. yeah. iv lived in my own world all my life. it's better. and now i've thrown and pushed away sumtimes physically all the people around me especially those close who were damaging me. with their stronger enforced views on me. now i have created my own space + am attracting to me butterflies and pretty people like me. happy people. not people who wanted to prey on me and cripple me. like they do u - coz Ur Different. so.. i hop u log bk on . sorry it's been long. but i think u'v suffered frm behaviour around u Longterm which has hurt u and brought u to this. and it helps to understand why... if u want to maybe stick around w us.
Click to expand...

Thanks for all that, and you're right... the irony of it all is that I DO LOVE LIFE! Probably far, far more than the average person.

I spent last weekend sitting on my porch with a pitcher of lemonade, a glass pipe and 500mg of DMT, tears perpetually streaming down my cheeks at the overwhelming and unrelenting beauty of the universe and my place in it.

And things like that have happened before w/o drugs. ;)

More than anything, I think I just need a good therapist, but I have no insurance, and this "land of plenty" I call my home country (USA) doesn't even provide counseling to its veterans, so why should it care about li'l ol' me? :(

I think my tirade to my mom was more of an ultimatum. She is married to a robotic German asshole who feels people should solve their own problems, case closed. Maybe it's a bit immature to imply "my blood will be on your hands," but it's basically come to that.

I'm not going to kill myself, not anytime soon, anyway. I'm just so tired of feeling down all day every day. Getting back on dope (and I tend to be a fairly responsible heroin user, as my screenname implies) seems more attractive everyday. Then again, it feels good to be clean, too. Maybe I should move to another state where they actually care about their citizenry (public healthcare).

MidnightBaby, thanks for your kind words, too. It feels good to realize someone out there reads the drivel I write. :)

Thanks, everyone. Feeling much better today. :)
 
Dude, where'd you get all that Heroin? The world can be really beautiful, and a big ass bag of potent Heroin is just about the most beautiful fucking thing I can imagine.
 
Not to be heartless but why does everyone come on BL to tell us about how they are killing themselves, and then 2 weeks later they have a new post?
Crying out for attention by telling everyone your killing yourself is not amusing. If you have access to the internet on a regular basis, and can afford large amounts of heroin everyday, life cannot be that bad!
 
theotherside26 - it's called change. Please look it up.

I might also suggest you look up ignorance, awareness, empathy and understanding. A vague understanding of your subject matter would be nice before you next insult someone, thankyou.

However,n if you're post was not meant mailiciously, then I've got this to say - people don't come to TDS to cry out for attention. They come to cry out for help. For advice, for shared experiences, to help others. It is the very nature of thoughts and emotions that was someone to feel highly suicidal, they might feel differently the next day, or the next week. Let alone when influenced by drugs and alcohol.
The Dark Side is here for people in those dark times, however 'good' or 'bad' life can be said to be by others, people are the way they are. You don't know this man, nor his past experiences, nor his current ones. So don't come here and judge whether someone should or shouldn't be feeling what they do. I'm sure you have some kind of insight, or experience to draw on to give a fleeting or further kindness or help to someone here.
If you truly feel you don't, well please stick around and read, with an open mind, perhaps you will learn a bit about the colourful spectrum of mental health or life experience.
 
MidnightBaby, will you marry me? ;)

Judging from your spelling, you live in a country that undoubtedly has more humanistic treatment of the troubled than my own (not saying much).

Feeling bit better now. Going to bed early b/c I have an acupuncture appointment in the morning. Hopefully, they'll fix everything wrong with me.

Might be a long session. :\
 
theotherside26 said:
Not to be heartless but why does everyone come on BL to tell us about how they are killing themselves, and then 2 weeks later they have a new post?...
Click to expand...
Maybe this means the forum is working?

Hang in there JF. I know that's easy to say, but people have been saying that to me for all of 2008, and only now is the tide starting to turn. Life can be full of little surprises...
 
you're moving upwards on the ladder of existence, the level of the rung will increase so it stands to reason that the level of pain involved will as well.

being a junkie isn't forever dude, there's hope. you should stick around, it does get better.
 
^I've actually been off the needle for a while.

And this isn't PAWS, I don't think, because there was a period between getting clean and these past few months that I felt OK.

More than anything, I feel I've wasted my life. I'm 37 years old and work in a restaurant, even though I have a BA and considering more education (assuming I don't off myself in the meantime). I know in my heart my parents are not proud of me, and there's no reason for them to be).

I recently moved back to my home state and see all my old friends and what they've become and how much they've accomplished: great careers, kids, etc.
I rationalize to myself that I, unlike them, am FREE. I have no significant debt, no responsibilities to children or a spouse. I could (and HAVE several times in recent years) simply dropped everything in my life and moved to a new city across the country. Made good friends along the way, but haven't liked any one place to settle in yet. Maybe here, in Austin, where I am now.

I think I'm beginning to realize that the problem might be the extraordinarily toxic, co-dependent and unhealthy relationship I've been in for almost 4 years. My girlfriend, while I do love her and she's a great person, is crazy as a shithouse rat, to put it mildly.
She tried to commit suicide two years ago when we lived in Minneapolis (sent me a text message suicide note -- classy, huh?). I raced to her apartment, found the door locked, kicked it down, found her unconscious, and called 911. In a way, I don't think she's ever forgiven me for saving her life. I should have taken everyone's advice at the time at dropped her like a stone, cutting my losses, but I foolishly thought I could save her.

So now, two years later, her depresssion seems to have completely transferred to me while she slowly drinks herself to death. Everyone I know thinks I'm completely insane to still be with her, and I'm starting to agree.

Sorry for the long posts, and thanks to everyone who's read so far. I looked into public mental health services tonight to see if I can see a therapist or therapist-in-training (or even just a really good listener) for free or close to it.

Life can be beautiful, but the world itself is a shithole.
 
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