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confess your deep Dark secrets

bennyZA said:
I'm going to answer the original question about deepest darkest secrets...

I have a severe form of epilepsy that caused me to break a bunch of limbs at a really young age. I would drink and do opiates to help me forget about it (even though the alcohol caused me to have more seizures). My darkest secret: 50% of the people with my disease die before 40, 75% before 50. I'm looking forward to dying and have been living my life with that in mind.
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I'm so sorry...I can't imagine what it's like to have your life shortened like that. You seem to be really brave about it. One of my good friends, we've known each other since we were 3, has cystic fibrosis and we know he isn't going to make it much longer...it's pretty horrible to think about. I admire both your and his courage.
 
bennyZA said:
I'm going to answer the original question about deepest darkest secrets...

I have a severe form of epilepsy that caused me to break a bunch of limbs at a really young age. I would drink and do opiates to help me forget about it (even though the alcohol caused me to have more seizures). My darkest secret: 50% of the people with my disease die before 40, 75% before 50. I'm looking forward to dying and have been living my life with that in mind.
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i was about to post something so similar i just found out i have something that only 500 people have had since it was named in 1870 and has a mortality rate of 1/3 and 80% of those diagnosed were done so on an autopsy table... and im not upset about it i kinda cant wait either.. im only 31 and already have to take enough oxycodone and oxycontin to kill a trucker.. its all down hill from here so im gonna enjoy the ride
 
I am clean for 19 days now, but tommorow i am going to the doctor and try to get as many oxycodon as high in strengh as possible. I have legitimate neuropatic pain from an accidental methadone and benzodiazepine overdose. But the problem is i live in a half way house and i can expect urine test any day. I want to use from the deepest of my heart and think about maintance or opiates for my pain(less hasel).
 
For nerve pain you ever try pregabalin (lyrica) or gabapentin (neurontin)? Might do you some good. Lyrica got rid of horrible pain I had from nerve damage due to frostbite in my foot (friend with lupus and fibromyalgia gave it to me)
 
i get gabapentin 4x300mg, novalminsulfon 4x500mg and flutirpine 100mg as needed, but i am out of the last (and most effective medication). The doctor i went to did not give me anything at all, he wants to see the full documentation first. Fuck that, i will go to the hospital tommorow and see what i can get there. Last night i was in horrible pain, and its creeping up again on me. I will try to get lyrica when i can see a pain management doctor in this new town. Will it give immidiate relive? Gabapentin just does not work that way. :\
 
it worked quickly for me. probably within a half hour or so. I'm sorry to hear you're in such pain :/ hang in there my friend. docs can be a pain in the ass
 
^writing letters to them might help you let go of the anger. You don't have to send the letters & can destroy them right away afterwards, but it's still something that helps me.
 
should post the letters here in bluelight. :D

I have a big crush on my psychology teacher :/ I dreamt of her last night even, she's not married (openly said so during first week of class), has a phd (smart girls are sexy), and is all around fun to be around. maybe once I finish up here at this school I can ask her out to dinner or something. I feel like she and I would have a great time on a date since she's playful, fun, outgoing, and always got a smile on her face (on the inside I wish she was smiling at me).
 
I'm at a point in my life right now where I can either pick myself up and dust myself off and keep trying to "do the right thing," or I can completely and finally give into my compulsions, and ride that motherfucker on out to the end, basking in and soaking up as much humiliation and pain as I can along the way.

But that's not my confession, my confession is that after long deliberation on it, I don't know which one is more... worth it. Everyone says it gets better and it's worth it, but for some reason I'm drawn to a sort of macabre beauty in the second option. Hmm.
 
synthetix said:
drugs rule everything around me. my day goes by wanting my next drug to calm me down, speed me up, take me away to a hidden place with nothing to worry about and nothing around me and help me and only me.

i have an incredible girlfriend who loves me dearly. she knows about my terrible dark past with drugs, but she doesn't know i'm using again. i really do love her, but i love the drugs more. i can't wait for her to go to sleep so i can get fucked up. that's how ungrateful and disrespectful i am, i am a horrible, disgusting person at heart. i keep my pills stashed away in extremely secret locations of the house so she can't ever find them. sometimes i'm high when she's with me and i can't stand myself for what i've done, i can barely look at her in the eye because i feel so ashamed.
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this is literally me. it sounds exactly like my life. hell, there have been times where the reason i went to my girlfriend's house was to try and nab a few vyvanse caps to get high for another few hours. i feel so badly about it :,( i truly do love her, and ive been with her for a long time now and we both love each other, but i can never be totally honest with her and say that i still do drugs because i dont want to hurt her, but telling her would do just that. im just so pathetic and i really dont deserve such an amazing girl to care for me so much. i feel like im not the me i was before i ever tried drugs. they changed me for the worse, of that i have no doubt.
 
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