• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

confess your deep Dark secrets

Im crazy, most likely bipolar with intense mood swings and moderately severe xenophobia, especially around other people. I've hidden a poly-drug abuse habit since i was 15, and refuse to admit that the drugs aren't helping things one bit, and probably contributed significantly to the harm i've done to my life/mind/body. I assume i can manage this by myself, but do such a pathetic job it just perpetuates the hopeless cycle of self "medication". I hide it from my family, friends, pretty much no other person knows how deep i am in the shit.

But mabey i have to expirence this to learn from it and begin to heal. Even if it takes the rest of my life. My lack of social/communication skills makes that the most difficult think i've ever faced. My intellect/potential depresses me when i think about how i've squandered it becoming a jaded hermit. I know i'm the only one who can fix this, since our society doesn't do the best job at dealing with these problems, and thats fucking scary as hell, but oddly comforting. The only hope i get is that the times i have applied myself i've accomplished great things, but that was a long time ago.

My lack of dicipline, and love/respect for myself has wreaked havok on my life. Coming to terms with the reality of all this is the only way out. Yet i continue to avoid what i know will help, and truely am insane by definition. Suicide is not an option, i will either ride it out to the sad bitter end, or grow the fuck up one day, just not today. Today i will live in denial, and take tomorrow for what it is when it arrives.

Perhaps one day the sleeper will awaken. Not all days are shrouded in opaque dull pain, or delusional false happiness. But i look around and see irl and here on bl, how alike we are in this respect. Everyone trying to hide their problems, very few able to actually deal with them effectively. A serious social problem no-one has any clue how to deal with, thats only getting worse.

I guess admiting all this is a good place to start, its better than just doing more drugs to run away from all this i know to be true about myself.

Live and learn. :|
 
You're young opium like everyone said.
Get your GED, i have one and was making 40k doing tech support when I was 24.
I've moved around, learned new trades, seen the world.
You will too, just stay off the hard shit or get off it. I'm 29 Brother listen to my story you don't need to go through all of it. It leads nowhere.
But you're life is far from over and you have done no irreversable damage. You seem relatively intelligent from what I've read. You'll be fine.
If you fuck up a couple more times so be it, noones perfect my friend. You can make something of yourself don't even sweat it.
 
God to be 17 again...the things i would change....but highnsight is always 20/20. Im 29 & didnt even try an opiate until college. I grew up sheltered & naive, thinking bc I grew up well,great parents,great friends no addiction i hate to say it but i think i thought i was too good to become an addict. Boy was i wrong!! You can always get a trade. Itll probobly be a struggle for a while but its worth it. My bf was like 16 or 17(hes 44 now) but he did ALOT of time in jail....7 straight years was the longest but hes been clean for like over 2 years & hes a roofer(subcontractor). He makes $115 a square(before payroll & overhead) but I dont think he wants to lose everything hes worked for hes done it too many times & so have I. Its so hard being young. I remember being 20 in rehab w all the older pple telling me to get it now but were thick headed &b4 u know it 6 years have gone by like nothing. At least youre trying!!
 
@ opium - I as well regret starting drugs at a young age, I mean I first drank when i was 11 and first smoked pot when I was 12 (fell in love with that instantly). I Admit it made me grow up fast but not exactly in the way I'd prefer. You're very strong to admit what you've done and im happy to see you throw away the needles.
 
thanks for the support
sine its awesome to hear how far you have come and i know how it is not to feel normal for a long time it was about 9 months before i felt like me again after coming off long term suboxone maintenance
and opium sometimes i think if i could do highschool over i would drop out get my ged and start community college sooner as it is i did go to a year and a half of community college (and actually really liked it) and despite my habits i am very close to getting my bachelors at a great university... december hopefully :)
 
Also here is more deep Dark confession.... this is hard to put out there even to you guys ... i was really thinking about it and part of the reason i have the points i guess is i want them just in case God Forbid I have a miscarriage or I find out something is gonna be really wrong with the baby... I am trying really hard to do everything right but you never know and then a part of me has a wierd superstition where if i do throw out the needles then something will go wrong w the baby
.... omg reading this i know i sound completely insane but i am serious as awful as that may be...
 
my deep dark secret.... i think i have a few but i'll share some that come to my mind

drugs rule everything around me. my day goes by wanting my next drug to calm me down, speed me up, take me away to a hidden place with nothing to worry about and nothing around me and help me and only me.

it's horrible to say it, but i feel as if i don't care about anyone else in the world apart from me anymore. whenever i begin to care, love or attach to someone they always do something to destroy that relationship we had. i've tried many times, but it always fails. the ones i love and are extremely close to start backing away when they discover my darker nature, or if they don't they are troubled themselves. an extremely close friend of mine killed herself a year ago and i'll never let it go, i am to blame for her action at least partly, and i couldn't help her anymore.

i have an incredible girlfriend now who loves me dearly. she knows about my terrible dark past with drugs, but she doesn't know i'm using again. i really do love her, but i love the drugs more. i can't wait for her to go to sleep so i can get fucked up. that's how ungrateful and disrespectful i am, i am a horrible, disgusting person at heart. i keep my pills stashed away in extremely secret locations of the house so she can't ever find them. sometimes i'm high when she's with me and i can't stand myself for what i've done, i can barely look at her in the eye because i feel so ashamed.

everyone around me thinks i'm clean apart from my mother who knows i'm using but i keep denying it to her.

we all have our dark sides. i can't let go of mine. i have done once, for 6 months i was clean and enjoying my life, but i got bitten in the ass again by someone i thought and believed was a close friend of mine, he tried to destroy my relationship with my girlfriend and to be wife. luckily he didn't succeed. but i was suicidal again, drugs were the only things that could lift the burden of the world off my shoulders again, and they have done. i want to quit. but i'm afraid if i do, i'll make the same mistake again but this time, i'll kill myself without hesitation.

another deep dark secret of mine? i should have died 4 times. the amount of drugs/alcohol i took to OD was apparently enough to kill a horse. i'm a walking talking miracle, with no signs of brain damage, or physical damage either. why the higher power has chosen me to survive, i don't know, but I'm not sure if I'm grateful or spiteful sometimes.
 
thanks for all the support guys :) took a lot to post that cause i hate sounding like a puss haha..i think if i cant make the military because of my past record, im going to do community college for criminal justice..cause my dream is to just help people. so id be a police officer if i can make the cut

tacky, i get where your at..changing habits for me too is tough, im a very superstitious person, and changing ANYTHING when im banking on something going right is a big no..i did throw out the weed though, right in the trash outside.

its good if you keep em just please dont use them :( you sound like a great girl who has a lot going for her, and id hate to see that all get fucked up. For your sake and the baby's.

So good luck to you...hope everything works out <3
 
I think deep down part of my honesty is because i am a tad fatalastic at times. I tell myself i'm going to leave this life early and i want to make my mark. I want to share as much of myself,good and bad, with this world.
Mostly the good but i'm painfully blunt,honest, and downright depressing sometimes. Like i want the rest of the world :to see through the eyes of one of the tragic cases that most people would deny could happen to them or their family. Like everyone else doesn't have their own problems so i selfishly think they should feel my pain. This post is a confession but it also relates to my honesty in all aspects of my persona. Online and IRL. I differentiate any online relationships with real life but anything I've written would also be spoken by me given a halfway comfortable setting.
 
After I quit my opiate addiction cold turkey, me and my father moved in with his girlfriend to live while he worked his job. During this time, I was a few months clean at most, maybe 2 or 3 months clean. I had found my mothers old medicine box in their house with her old pain killers. A bottle of Vicodin, fentanyl patches, and a bottle of about 14 Oxycodone 30mg. At the time it infuriated me that they had this, considering she passed away no more than 3 months prior. So, I stole them.

Over the course of the next 8 months while I stayed there, I stole over $600 from the girlfriend, as well as her weed and her mothers prescribed Endocet's. They caught on to the missing pills, as I got increasingly greedy, and they began hiding all their valuables. Still, I'd wait to have the house to myself or for them to be distracted and I'd sneak upstairs and go into their rooms and steal pills, money, etc, anything to get a fix.

This was a very low point in my life, and I'm ashamed at what I did. I hated that family but it's no excuse, no excuse at all for my actions.
 
^wow finding that kind of... for lack of a better word... stash would be crazy hard for Any opiate addict to overcome
i dont even want to think about how i would react
 
i dont know if this qualifies as a confession but here it goes... i am 31 i am married with 3 kids... i have always had the world as my oyster so to speak.. my mother was good at crying poverty and making sure a lot of doors were opened for me and my grandfather was good at footing the bill.. i am gorgeous (other people think so and while i dont think im ugly if i was to circle pretty people i wouldnt circle myself im just not my own type i guess) i have a great personality (albeit my online persona is probably different) and i am a bordeline genius (true story and 3rd time i mentioned that in posts out of maybe 5 posts total i dont want to sound like im bragging as i find it to be a curse more than a gift) all that being said i am an under achiever on purpose. i dont know why. i have reached an elite and the highest rank possible in my career then quit. i dont know if im afraid of success or what but i am the poster child of wasted talent in so many aspects its disgusting really... here is the kicker i havent wanted to live in a while, not that i want to off myself i just have not found life to be worth it.. meanwhile i do not try to make it better either.. here come the twist i just found out i have a really rare condition that only 500 people have ever had and 1 out of 3 drop dead within the 1st year and 80% of the diagnosis is done only on an autopsy table... life just answered my prayers so to speak.. im fucked ... and i wanna start all over... great time to start caring huh?
 
roundnround said:
i dont know if this qualifies as a confession but here it goes... i am 31 i am married with 3 kids... i have always had the world as my oyster so to speak.. my mother was good at crying poverty and making sure a lot of doors were opened for me and my grandfather was good at footing the bill.. i am gorgeous (other people think so and while i dont think im ugly if i was to circle pretty people i wouldnt circle myself im just not my own type i guess) i have a great personality (albeit my online persona is probably different) and i am a bordeline genius (true story and 3rd time i mentioned that in posts out of maybe 5 posts total i dont want to sound like im bragging as i find it to be a curse more than a gift) all that being said i am an under achiever on purpose. i dont know why. i have reached an elite and the highest rank possible in my career then quit. i dont know if im afraid of success or what but i am the poster child of wasted talent in so many aspects its disgusting really... here is the kicker i havent wanted to live in a while, not that i want to off myself i just have not found life to be worth it.. meanwhile i do not try to make it better either.. here come the twist i just found out i have a really rare condition that only 500 people have ever had and 1 out of 3 drop dead within the 1st year and 80% of the diagnosis is done only on an autopsy table... life just answered my prayers so to speak.. im fucked ... and i wanna start all over... great time to start caring huh?
Click to expand...

oh and it gets better the only person in the entire world i seem to even care about is my middle child... yes i have 3... awful but true
 
Non, je ne regrette rien.

I can seperate my problematic behavior from my true moral compass. I suggest you all do the same. (This obviously is not directed towards those who are not making confessions about things they did while using.)

Sure, I've done things that Jesus freaks, republicunts, and the convention minded would find highly unagreeable, and possibly even downright awful. I know that regardless of all that they would have a field day over, when push comes to shove, I am the one that does not gossip, I am the one that does not make fun of the disabled, I am the one that helps the homeless, I am the one that gives advice that supposedly was exactly what the individual needed to hear, I am the one who does not wish harm upon those who have done me wrong. Not to sound as though I have lofty visions of myself, but I know where I stand in terms of behaving in a manner that humanity can actually evolve with. I really actually dislike this thread. It's not fucking neuroscience to put together that people do unsavory things while addicted to drugs and alcohol. It is also not neuroscience that most of these behaviors would have never taken place, had the addiction never cultivated. I think the important thing to think about before one dwells on a 'confession', in this situation at least, is whether or not whatever it is you are 'confessing' would have occurred without the drug use. It's not to say that situations like this apply to serial murder, but I truly feel that if one uses their common sense, often times they will find that an addiction related confession should merely be recognized, thrown into the "Do Not Repeat" file, and mentally extinguished.
 
I am in a relationship but still secretly flirt and make sexual advances towards other women...
 
sideorder... i admit because i started the thread i may be biased but i think your not seeing the whole picture, it can be very therapeutic just to put some of this stuff out there, to see it in writing, and to see you are not alone, also i can only speak for myself but i feel i have gotten some great feedback
 
^ I understand the therapeutic effect and am glad that you receive gratification from this thread! I have just always felt that logically, it's pretty common sense that many addicts and alcoholics behave like cunts. When I drink alcohol, I can be pretty horrendous, yet when I have woken up in jail the next day for assault, I knew that was atrocious behavior committed by many. It's not to say that made the behavior any more acceptable. I simply knew that I was not alone. If this helps, certainly go for it! I simply do not agree with the concept of feeling as though one is some unsavory waste of oxygen for typical addict behavior. I feel that internally we should all know that those behaviors do not define us. That they were merely experiences. I do also know that everyone heals differently from our experiences, and what I find impractical, may actually be quite pivotal for others.

Just my two pennies!
2j4ym4o.gif
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top