• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

confess your deep Dark secrets

tackyspiral

tackyspiral

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
2,657
Location
rocky mountains
ok here goes i am pregnant and clean...yay! but.... i still have a couple packs of clean syringes hidden in a drawer... i am a horrible person...
part of it is in a wierd way i would feel guilty throwing them out... i mean believe me i would know, a clean point can go a long way to help a junkie in need (i have hep c)
also i don't even want to touch them or look at them...
however in my heart i know i just need to grab them and put them in the goddamn dumpster which is shockingly difficult..... rrrrrrrg!
So any advice and does anybody else want to make a confession?
 
congrats on the soon to be baby!

and IMO id get em and throw them out NOW...break them too...

because one day youll have a low point...be kinda sad..and youll look at the syringes and go hmm...how could i feel better..then your right back on the wagon. just my opinion.

i am also clean :) about 3 weeks. my secret...not as bad as yours..but i have a gram of very high grade marijuana in my bedroom for a day that im feeling down or having a bad time.. cant get myself to throw it out. dont know why
 
I did the same thing when I was preggo. I had weed stashed away for months and was able to abstain. I couldn't get high if I wanted to because my husband was like the weed police and my dealer friend cut me off. It was for the best. But the temptation is always there, no denying that.

I would get rid of the syringes, just because it's too easy to relapse. I nearly slipped up with cocaine a couple nights ago. Then I remembered that I had deleted all those contacts for a good reason. But at the time I was torn between "just one time" and not giving in. I'm glad I didn't do it.
 
^ you prob have the weed around for the same almost subconcious reason i have the syringes
i just have to get the courage to throw them out its so wierd that it is this difficult after all the pain i have gone through
and keep the confessions coming hell i think it may be a first step to moving on :)
 
tackyspiral said:
^ you prob have the weed around for the same almost subconcious reason i have the syringes
i just have to get the courage to throw them out its so wierd that it is this difficult after all the pain i have gone through
and keep the confessions coming hell i think it may be a first step to moving on :)
Click to expand...

Honestly I would keep the needles let it be a reminder of where you were at and where you are trying to go.
 
^interesting POV but i am not sure if this is the best plan

opium said:
hey look at that we have something in common....cant throw away our paraphernalia 8)

how about this...ill toss the weed if you toss the needles..hows that sound? :)
Click to expand...
you have a deal when shall we take out the garbage?
 
Last edited:
tackyspiral said:
^ you prob have the weed around for the same almost subconcious reason i have the syringes
i just have to get the courage to throw them out its so wierd that it is this difficult after all the pain i have gone through
and keep the confessions coming hell i think it may be a first step to moving on :)
Click to expand...

Do get rid of them! I know a guy who goes between alcohol and crack. But each time he relapses on crack, he buys a new stem. He will get the shit and be done with it, throw the glass away because he wants to never do it again. I have known people who hold onto their glassware broken many times until it's just too small to use. But this guy, I gotta give him some credit for trying.
 
I also think it would be a smart move if you were to dispose of the spare needles.
Being an ex user and having those sorts of tools around the house could bring you lots of problems some time in the future (as already stated).
Dont give the needles a chance, they will not do you any good.
 
I get off topic in this post but I planned on posting in ur thread about the hep c but ill put it in here...

Yeah having rigs around is a big time reservation. I know cause I keep them around sometimes for weeks without using.
They aren't gonna be used for anything else so why keep them. At the very least even, god forbid, if u score something at least you won't be able to shoot it.
Please stay clean for the baby. A good friend of mine used to have me get her shit when she was pregnant.
Thats kind of a deep dark secret. I used my connections and used her and her unborn child to make a few dollars.
Someone would have hooked her up but I still feel bad.
OP try not to stress too much on the hep c, Its liveable, pretty much not sexually transmitted, and treatments are coming a long way in terms of reducing side effects and effectiveness. I have it, I know many who do, and I know many cured from it.
I was more relieved than anything just to finally know, and to know I didn't have HIV.
I was wreckless as a teenager and had a liver biopsy, they said I probably contracted it when I was 19.
I'm waiting until I have substantial clean time, a year or 2, before starting treatments. My old sponsor was cured of it..
If you take care of yourself and don't drink or use a lot and eventually get treatment you'll be fine.
I've had it for 10 years or so, only really known for 4, they said my liver was in decent shape but I can tell when I drink. I have pain and swelling in my liver and hangovers are a bitch now.
But do not worry, you're alive and an expecting mother :D You have a lot to be grateful for
 
But heres a skeleton that I really feel bad about.
When I was 22, I was extremely out of control and didn't care about anyone.
I was selling heroin at the time. I was at my friends house, 2 of us IV'd, 1 didn't.
The guy who didn't shoot asked me to sell him shit. I said I won't sell you shit but I'll give you all the dope you want if you shoot it. He was sick as hell, I mean guys this is some shit i feel terrible about, like I said I didn't give a fuck. We love to share our misery and that was the ultimate expression of it.

The guys clean now but a year or so after I shot him up i heard he was strung out real bad sucking dick for crack.
Then when I was about 16 17 we all got into crystal meth real bad. I mean like 30 40 of us in my hometown. Well my buddy Luke was on a. binge getting out of control. He was acting crazy and got shut off by a lot of us.
He came to me and traded me some of his klonopin for speed.
He committed suicide I'm pretty sure after being up for a few days doing speed, without the klonopin which may have calmed him down. I can't be sure he was on my shit cause it was a couple days later but I hooked him up with enough that he possibly killed himself after the depression brought on by that binge. Of course he had issues and I'm not 100% to blame but shit.

I have really come a long way guys, i was a piece of shit when I was using but I beg of you all to not judge me by what you read of my past. I am honest as hell, partly through AA/NA, and I have nothing to hide. I'm trying to treat people right and live a good life today, for real
 
and sine, im so proud of you man...only thing im judging right now is that your strong as hell to make yourself better after all youve been through. Mad respect man.
Stories like yours that make me want to get clean, knowing its not impossible and how much better life can be.

Makes me feel like we all live in the projects, and you grasped a shot at getting out and made it. I look up to people like you dude

congrats, and Good shit. Shows the addict community still has some hope.
 
OP, please throw out the needles. If it's not for yourself, do it for the baby's sake. I don't mean to sound harsh but just imagine you slip up...it could ruin your child's life.
That depressing idea put aside (and I'm sure you won't do it but I just felt the need to say it), congrats on expecting :)

Anyway, can't personally think of something right now but it'll probably come back to me eventually.
 
Sine, sooo much kudos to you for sharing that post. I know it probably took a lot of courage, but if you're like me you probably felt a sense of relief from writing it out as well. You're a good person. You were then too, but addictions do seem to bring out a different part of us all and those people did act for themselves. I think it's pretty safe to say that you won't be judged in TDS and as long as you forgive yourself, other people don't matter anyway. <3

tacky, you know you have to throw those needles away. Embrace the new you and your upcoming life as a mother. <3
 
id like to confess another secret. its not about what im hiding its about what i am now.

Drugs made me grow up too fast..i dont like to admit that to anybody, i wanna be that strong kid whos like "yeah i made bad choices but fuck it, i fixed everything." i try to pull off a badass image. Which is recognized; yet gets me nowhere.

i turn 17 tomorrow,ive already dropped out of school..even if i wanted to go back i missed my project to graduate and owe too many fines in restitution for truancy. The principal said he does not want me back because im a disruption with my unreliable attendance, and under the influence-Demeanor.

monday i start a full time job with a disposal company, riding the back of a trash truck. It starts at 4am and i get out at 10-12 o'clock depending on the routes. ill be working a 30 hour week every week. only days i get off are sunday and christmas. Thats it.

ill be joining the military in 6 months after a GED is obtained. I want to, but even if i were to change my mind, i dont have much of a choice. i killed all my options. Even with that, because of the fines and court, and other things on my record, im not even sure if they'll still accept me.

i wish i could turn the clock back to when i was 10, even though im still young, ive already created my path that i cant change. All i can do is look forward.

ive never told that to anybody, i want everybody to believe i came out a better person. But really, im so scared.. Nobody wants to go through life making $10/hour, worrying about supporting themselves. Nobody.

i cant maintain a relationship, because i have a bad temper. And with drug use, thats only increased ten fold. no girl wants to date a strung out angry dropout. At least none that are decent enough to bring home to meet your parents.

all of this scares me so much. i wake up everyday wondering if im going to relapse today, if im gonna be able to pay rent on time, if the cops are gonna arrest me for god knows what.

i know i fucked this up myself, but i want so desperately to fix it :(


Thats my deep dark secret..that im scared. ive never told that to anybody, but i trust you guys on BL. ive only been on here for a month or so but i see myself indulging the truth more to you than to my family...thanks for always being here guys <3
 
Aww :blushes: Thank you Spork and Opium. It is a bit of relief actually too. Its not something I'm proud to admit about the hep c but I thought I could give her some hope. I debated on it for a while. Not exactly water cooler conversation but thats what all you good folks are here for. I feel at home in TDS. I'm here to help.
I do try to tell my story a bit in the hopes that people can see its possible. If I can stay clean ANYONE can. At one point I was eating xanax bars and mixing up shots consisting of 1/4 grams of glass with 5 bags of dope just for something to do. I was hooked on a couple different drugs a few times in my life. Serious polydrug abuse I was a mess. It took me 6 months clean before I started to feel anywhere near normal. Not even normal, 6 months to be able to actually think at all.
I don't want to go back to that, I want to walk the path that my God has laid out for me. I want to help people, I enjoy selflessly helping and being there for people. It fulfills me, I'm always here if anyone needs someone to talk to.
 
opium said:
even though im still young, ive already created my path that i cant change. All i can do is look forward.
Click to expand...

But you are still young, so you can change. I mean, you can always change, but it's way easier when you're 17. People understand that kids make stupid mistakes and they can see when you're trying to change.
If you can't get back in high school, which you should try as hard as you can to do, you can always get your GED. Community colleges aren't aren't too expensive and you can get a decent job with an associate's degree, or you can get technical training and be a mechanic or electrician or something. If you can't afford that now, there's no shame in working for a few years before going to college.
I got addicted to heroin in high school, somehow i graduated and now i'm in college, i'm trying to get clean, but kinda failing at that. Anyway if i can manage to stay in school and work full time, you can get you're life back together.
Nothing is ever easy, you can either give up and die in a ditch somewhere, or do what you need to do.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top