Month 11 Update:
A month away from the year mark now and I've definitely come a long way. I am still struggling with boredom- but I think that's because my life is boring. Thinking and writing is easier, I still struggle with creative writing but it's a lot better than it used to be. I have less inspiration than I used to, and no people to bounce ideas off anymore, so that is a factor as well, but I also think I'm just genuinely still cognitively struggling with it to an extent. Biggest stride has been made in my ability to listen to music, it was so boring to me in the beginning, which broke my heart as music is in my Top 3 loves and I used to spend hours just listening to music, sometimes dancing along and singing. It still isn't anything like it used to be pre-Invega, but I have been able to enjoy music again and having that back in my life has been a huge relief. I am able to sit and watch shows now, which definitely helps with the boredom. Before, I was unable to sit through a show as I was too understimulated due to a lack of any dopamine, I suspect.
Physical activity was a struggle both due to a mental boredom component (not getting enough endorphins/dopamine from the exercise) and due to an odd and inexplicable physical difficulty- I was out of breath, muscles felt weak and uncoordinated, I tried both walking and lifting to limited degrees of success. I haven't tried lifting again yet (though I plan to), but I've made big improvements on walking and gone on some lengthy, 45minute to an hour and 30 minute walks like I used to and enjoyed that. Have even been able to do it while listening to music and daydreaming, which is huge.
Libido-wise, I am still pretty flat, but I am also currently on Abilify as I have to be on an AP and the AP I would prefer to be on, Cobenfy, is not available in Canada yet and probably won't be for some years. I've heard it's coming to the EU, so that's good news, and hopefully Canada will follow suit sooner than my psychiatrist predicts. I also may potentially be taken off my CTO this December, which will leave me one step closer to being able to leave my abusive parents' home again and rebuild my life truly and properly. I suspect the Abilify is the reason for my low libido. However, very rarely, (TMI, but for those who are struggling with their libido/sexual function and wish to know), I get breakthrough boners. I also am able to masturbate and orgasm, which I was not able to do in the beginning as I had total genital numbness, which was frankly terrifying and I wondered if my sexual function would ever return. I am a lot less of a sexual (and tbh, horny) person than I used to be, and that fills me with a lot of grief as I am young and feel that this is the time for it, but I do think I could function sexually in a relationship, so I suppose it's okay and I'm coming to terms with it.
I am able to feel nicotine (though I need a t-break) and cannabis.
My testosterone was low, after going on testosterone shots, I had increased mental clarity, increased groundness, increased focus, and increased cognition. This has helped a lot.
I am able to laugh, cry, and feel emotions. They are muted compared to before, but this may be the Abilify I'm on as well.
All of these positive changes are amplified by Vyvanse, which I take 3-5 days a week. I am prescribed it daily for ADHD, which I am diagnosed with, and my psychiatrist has OK'd in cocurrence with the Abilify. I actually think my mental improvements are evident when you compare previous posts to this one. My writing is more eloquent, my vocaulary is expanding again, the structure and order is a bit clearer, et cetera.
I have returned to university and am currently taking one class, though I will be going up to five in the winter semester. I'm a bit nervous as it's a jump, but I think presently (and with the assistance of Vyvanse) I can tackle it. I have also fully resumed listening to music, creative writing, and some of my hobbies such as watching TV and reading books. I wouldn't say I'm 100%, but things have gotten a lot better. If you're still in the middle of it, hold out hope. Everyone recovers at a different rate, so don't compare your timeline to mine. However, improvements can and do happen. I was a total vegetable for months, just lying in bed, unable to do anything. Things have gotten a lot better, and I'm able to plan and strategize how to improve my life circumstances now.
