Hey yall. Tonytonychopper said to me recently I've recovered why am I still here. That felt like a loaded question. I was still here because I hate to think about people going through what I went through when I first got these injections. It was truly horrific. I never thought I would recover.
The truth is "recovery" is a fucking spectrum. Did i get over the initial side effects that were so horrendous i never thought I'd be OK again? Yes , yes I did.
But Tony what I didnt have was my sense 9f self anymore. My sense of confidence that I had this world figured out.
I've spent the last year with a rope in my closet, I've tried to hang myself 9n numerous occasions. I haven't been able to clearly. I don't bring that energy to this forum because it's very much a pro life place.
I've spent a year in my bedroom playing videos games rotting away thinking my life is over. If I kill myself then I won't have to confront my life. I wontt have to confront bex9ming a functional member of society again. Because I am so fucking far from that. I'm a shell of who I used to be.
This past week though I put all my fears of rejection on the line and reached out to all my friends I've ignored for a year and I've started making plans to catch up over beers. Because it will help my social anxiety.
You know what? They all responded they all wrapped there arms around me.
I've been so scared to see them because this injection took soooo much of me away. That on top of the fact I was in psychosis for a m9nth and said and did the most embarrassing things imaginable ive lived the last year with the most insane shame, embarrassment and regret.
Am I OK? Not really. I'm far from who I used to be. Will I be OK? Maybe but s9mething had to change, I have to start engaging with the people that care about me most and I plan on doing that. In fact I'm fucking excited to that.
This forum is the only thing I had in my life when I got these injections. Some people on here were down right hostile. I see all these new profiles and I want to set the right example. I want this forum to be a 0lave where people suffering can come and find social contact. Because for me that's what this has been about. Your all fucked cunts. But I was accused cunt to.
Big shout outs to WBGA and MarjyJaneForever.
I'm writing this post so that future Invega Sufferers can see while REVOVERY is possible its nuanced. It's not black and white. I won't consider myself recovered until I have a job until I can sit down with friends and engage with conversations.
I'm blessed that im 38 years old and up until i really fucked up in life i have some amazing connections and some genuine friendships that despite me ignoring them all for over a year they are still here from me when I finally found the courage to reach out.
Which thank god, because like I say this forum can be so unbelievably hostile and fucked. It's pretty depressing knowing your friends are a text away yet you spend your time talking to a bunch of random but job's on an anti psychotic forum l. I'm proud of myself for taking these steps.
But despite my comments to the contrary this forum has been invaluable for me. When no one else could relate to the depths of despair I was in I would post here. Just remember that person who continues to post about there pain repeatedly. You can tell them to shut up. Or you can tell them it takes time and that you promise it will get better.
Invega has almost convinced me that this reality we live in is hell. Even at our lowest states seeing people on here.take the time to pick on other people disgusts me. And I say it because that was my experience to. I stuck around though and saw the good that this forum provides people. This forum saves lives no doubt about it.
@paranoidandroid your doing a good thing for people. @methyphenyl you to.
I'm excited to jot need this forum much anymore. To start spending my time with real humans that know me , love me and support me. The ones I've thought were lost to me.
So yes REVOVERY is possible but it's a fucking journey one that I'm still on. One that I hope will be a distant memory one day. And if and when that day comes I will cherish it.
Peace mother fuckers. I wish you all the best.