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Chicago Heroin v. Please refrain from offing yourself.

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^Those look like seizure photos, tbh...but makes me wanna throw some water on that big bitch and just mash it up! A rock like that would probably kill me these days, but that big rock and little rock together look exactly like a lot of the grams I'd get back east...I can picture it turning a nice light yellowish brown...drawing it up, holding it up to the light...I gotta stop thinking about this!

I haven't shot dope in 2 months, but that was only for a few days...it's been a few years since I was copping grams, but it's amazing how fixated you get...from the second you make that first phone call with cash in hand, it's like nothing else enters your mind until you get that dope in you...

Back east, I remember when my car broke down and I had to take a bus out of the suburbs to go cop...The bus I had to hop on was a 15 minute walk from my house, and I had to run to catch the bus dopesick a bunch of times, or wait 30-50 minutes for the next one...The worst feeling in the world was running up the street, seeing my bus off in the distance, but not being able to quite make it there! Then, having to wait there all sweating for the next one...that made me feel like the biggest loser on earth!
 
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goddamn i want to use so bad. I'm at home. waiting to see the dr. tomorrow and either go to SHARE or start some kink of program. i want to try and do it this time but i ask wan to get hight. like so bad. i never got a goodbye shot. maybe i should have took the suboxone and i would not bet craving as much. for the family I'm going to just stck it through and then whatever happens after that i guess i will take it from there.

how are the rest of you doing.? anyone in w/d or fresh off the needle?
 
RidingtheBrownline said:
goddamn i want to use so bad. I'm at home. waiting to see the dr. tomorrow and either go to SHARE or start some kink of program. i want to try and do it this time but i ask wan to get hight. like so bad. i never got a goodbye shot. maybe i should have took the suboxone and i would not bet craving as much. for the family I'm going to just stck it through and then whatever happens after that i guess i will take it from there.

how are the rest of you doing.? anyone in w/d or fresh off the needle?
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I've been on methadone for over a month and still want to use. I broke down yesterday and snorted a half gram. Needless to say it was a waste of money. It was very underwhelming and I'm kinda glad I did it because now I'll quit thinking about it because I know it won't do shit for me.
 
^^^

Yeah I know what you mean actually. Once you get high and it really does jack shit for you, it's a lot easier to say screw it and not want to use. You just know it's a waste of money and time. What dose of methadone are you on?
 
Methadone actually gives you the same feeling as having heroin in your system, which is why it really helps with cravings...you don't get high, but you don't feel that overwhelming need to go out and get high....with suboxone, it doesn't completely scratch the itch...

Why can't people just be maintained on whatever they want? Is it really worth the effort to try and stop it?

If everyone on heroin could suddenly get it for 1/10th the price, would the world suddenly end? I just still honestly don't understand what the point is....
 
i think it is because of all the social stigma of heroin. even if you were getting it medically people would still prob be freaking the fuck out. idk. everyone wants me clean but me. i mean i do wast to be free to do what ever i want and not have do shitty stuff to get money etc. idk. I'm just so used to being an addict i forgot what it is like not to be one. i guess i should give it a try but the road is a long and scary one. hard to think just one day at a time.

i was ready to say fuck it on thursday. had a bag packed and was ready to go be semi homeless. but here i am now. day 5 off h.

all i have is my family and i was ready to throw them away for heroin. thats not right. i mean i love them so much but i just want them to let me go but they love me so much they won't until i get help.
 
^^^

It's good your going for treatment and all, but in my experience, you cant get sober for somebody else.. you have to want it for yourself for it to actually stick. You can do it to appease the people in your life to get them off your back, whatever, but at the end of the day.. you're not going to stay clean unless you truly want to. You can't do it for anybody else.
 
Mr.Scagnattie said:
^^^

Yeah I know what you mean actually. Once you get high and it really does jack shit for you, it's a lot easier to say screw it and not want to use. You just know it's a waste of money and time. What dose of methadone are you on?
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I'm at 80 now but I put in for another increase. The last time I used I was at 65 or 70 and actually got a decent buzz off a half gram but now I know it won't work. It's days like today that I'm kinda bored that make it hard. I need to go do something to keep me busy.
 
Yeah, at 60-70, I could still get high.. it just took a lot of dope, and it wasn't a super strong high. But, once I hit 80-85+, even a 7 bag shot of great dope doesn't do shit. I'm on 95 right now. What's good though is that it holds me really well, and takes away the cravings, so I don't even care.
 
i know and my family knows the mr. scag. the hope is the miracle will happen before i go back out. and i am going into this trying to be open to anything. what i was doing has obviously not been working so i am open to professional opinions on how i can beat this and i will do my best to stick with it and that is really all i can do. hell i hope i see the light. i know so many people say they feel the best they have ever felt after letting go of drugs and alcohol and i hope i can say that one day. although right now it sounds too good to be true. but just trying to take it a day at a time.
 
Brownline - I've been off for a little while now, and I'll echo exactly what Scag said - you can't do it for someone or something else, cause the day will come where you just say "fuck it, I've been good, I owe myself one" or something along those lines, and then it's back on the train. In my case, I been in and out for over 10 yrs now, relapsed just about 2 yrs ago, and been on and off since then. I'm older, married with kids, house, ft job, etc - none of that shit will keep me sober. The thought of losing it helps, believe me, cause if I get locked up or some shit goes down, it's over. And I don't want to be the guy that gets found dead on the couch with the tv on by his kids or whatever...but it's really gotta be something inside that you're fed up and willing to do anything to change. Why? Cause it's so fucking hard. The dope never goes away. The fact that you know how easy to cop and where to go never goes away. Etc.
I'm over 6 months on subs and there's been months were I craved that shit so bad every single day...never been on done, but I agree that the sub, by itself, is no magic cure.
But listen man, I don't know these places off the top of my head, but i can find out from buddies real easy about detox and treatment - if you want other options, just PM me and I'll find out. I got no idea where SHARE is, I can give you options in the city.
Or I'll just text them and find out and post it up anyway. Maybe someone else needs it too.
FWIW I did treatments around 2003, 2004 and been in and out of 12 step programs since then. Detox/treatment is one thing, 12 step is completely separate. It all comes down to what you want, who you hang with, and what you get out of it. For all the work I've put into this, I've been fiending recently, and ready to hit the ATM and make a phone call. But I haven't done that yet.
I'll get back to you with that info. Hang in there.
 
thaks a lot north side boy. SHARE is in hoffman estates. i have no insurance and they do a sliding scale. but i am open to other options for sure.

i just hope something clicks in treatment.

why do you still kinda dabble nsb? you are married with kids, not that that is reason enough but you have found nothing you can give your disease to? or do you just not want to fully commit to a life of sobriety? i know i don;t, but i will try. but I'm not thinking about that now just trying to do a day at a time. but i really appreciate it nsb. it is some wicked scary shit. this fucking drug.
 
allright...my boys answered pretty quickly. I was right and wrong. One program is in the burbs, one is in the city. I guess I can just list the info, cause sourcing detox/rehab centers can't be as frowned upon as sourcing other business modesl, right? lol

my one man, a friend 10 yr older than me, IV dope addict on and off for 30+ years, just did your thing, home detox, then 1/2way house, now living with a sober friend, and is back in the program. He did say he's heard a lot of good things about SHARE. Like I said, I haven't heard of them.

I did the Rush/Pres program in whatever western burb it was, Rush/Pres closed their program down years ago..I just looked at a bunch of paperwork I have on my desk, it was in Downer's Grove, but like I said that's been closed for years.

My second time in was at Holy Family in Des Plaines, which I think is called Keys to Recovery, at 100 N River Rd. It's a hospital ward, which is always a fun place if you haven't gone down that route before. My other friend just texted the info for Keys, which is kinda ironic, since I've got my discharge papers in front of me - says "no cocaine. no alcohol. got to meetings. call your sponsor." Geez, thanks. I haven't looked at that in a loooong time. It's sitting in a pile with some other step work and AA related stuff.

Third option is in the city. New Hope Recovery Center, 2835 N Sheffield. I have no idea if he did detox there or just follow up with an IOP program. I think it's the latter - he must have done detox at the hospital and IOP at New Hope.

why do I want to use? cause I'm a dope fiend. I knew I had a problem when I started smoking weed and drinking at 13. If I never use again, then I used until I was 44. You can argue all you want about disease this, willpower that...all I know is opiates, heroin in particular, just makes everything ok for me. I keep looking for something outside of me that will make everything ok, and that will probably never happen.

I've got a room full of in-laws right next to me singing happy birthday to all the nieces and nephews that had birthdays in Jan, Feb and March. My wife and my 7 & 4 y.o. are out there. And what's on my mind is whether I should pick up tomorrow or not.

This shit is no joke. I'm pretty sure every single person that starts out thinks, that'll never be me. Some sink faster than others. Some can quit, some never do. Some get stuck and chip on and off for a long time. But it changes you forever.

Those are just my observations and experiences.

Best of luck man. You don't want to be a homeless guy, living on lower wacker, or somewhere on the west side in an abando. But it's spring, it's getting warmer out, i bet your brain is thinking - "that wouldn't be so bad. Wouldn't last forever - I'd figure something else out pretty quick." Yeah, this drug (any addiction) will play tricks with your head...
 
NSB i feel the same way. Ill quit for a while then im just sitting around like wtf am i doing i need to not feel like shit for a couple days. Ive detoxed myself off of physical wd's probably 4 or 5 times in particular only to eventually cave. I've asked my dad who's an alcholic but very functioning one how people are sober 24/7/365 without putting a bullet into someone or their own head. I have the exact same thought of needing something to make everything feel ok. I still don't know if it will ever fully go away but its what i know as you've said.
 
I used to say, "I want to WANT to quit." But I couldn't because the obsession with opiates was too large for me. Then I got on methadone, and that was "the answer". For me, at least.

They say there is no magic pill for addiction, but I can tell you, for OPIATE ADDICTION, methadone is my magic pill. Thankfully I was only addicted to opiates, IDK wtf I would do if I had the same obsession with cocaine. There's no methadone for that.
 
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I will agree with OpiateGuy that Methadone has been my saving grace from heroin addiction. Sure, I've done dope a handful of times since I've been on methadone... but I never actually crave it. I've been on methadone since the summer of '12 so almost 2 full years.
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Brownline - I've heard of SHARE but have never been there. After looking it up on Google Maps I confirmed my suspicions - it's right across from Alexian Brothers which is where I went for my very first detox in '09. I also lasted about a week in Alexian Brothers PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) before I 'dropped out'. A lot of people from my detox went across the street to SHARE. I don't know how they did, but if I were you (and I wanted to stay clean) I would take the following steps in order: 1) detox, 2) in-patient, 3 & 4) outpatient and halfway house [you should be doing outpatient while living in a halfway house, I would recommend one 1/2way house in Chicago that I was in for 4 days but I can't remember the name of it. I can get it for you if you want it... it's run by a guy named Steve and he's got a real nice apartment building.

Holy Family - I've never been to this program, but from what I've heard it's a good program. My parents go there to speak/talk to other parents of current patients during family week every few months as part of their Family's Anonymous group's service work.

Lakeshore Hospital - This place is in Chicago, right near the lake on the north side. I did a detox here before flying out to COPAC in Mississippi. In fact, I was so dehydrated/malnourished that they refused to give me any detox meds until I got my blood pressure up. I tried telling them that I have naturally low blood pressure, and I can't remember what my vitals were but they basically refused to give me anything. I laid in bed for the first 4 days (I was there for 6 days) and I think on the 3rd or 4th day I got out of bed and tried to make my way to the 'fridge in the group room to get something to drink and I nearly fainted after I went blind (which has happened to me once or twice before because of dehydration). The last two days I went to group there. I really liked this place. I'm pretty sure they have outside speakers that come in just about every single day, the counselors will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear, and there aren't really many phone restrictions like some other rehabs have. If I had to go back to an inpatient rehab it would be this one.

If you don't mind going out of state for treatment and your parents can put up the big bucks to pay for it, I would highly recommend going to [hazelden or] COPAC (in Mississippi - I went to COPAC twice and lived in Mississippi for 2 and a half years. COPAC has 4 phases with the 3rd phase being inpatient but you're allowed to leave whenever you want from like 7am until 10pm and the 4th phase is an outpatient/halfway house phase where you can basically do whatever you want. In order to transfer from 3rd phase to 4th phase you are required to get a job. You must keep your job for the entire time you're in phase 4. Phase 4 lasts 2 or 3 months and you have outpatient twice a week. COPAC gives you a tremendous amount of free time while teaching you to maintain a schedule. The best part is there are no microwaves and each house gets $50 for groceries PER PERSON LIVING THERE with up to 10 people in a house so you can leave the treatment center every week to go grocery shopping on friday and personal shopping at walmart on saturday. It's pretty awesome going out into the real world while you're still in treatment. Not to mention, you either learn how to cook and chances are, since the rehab was originally intended to treat rich professionals[ie doctors, lawyers, etc] you will have an adult in your house who will be an amazing cook from down south and you will enjoy some awesome southern cuisine the entire time that you're down there, none of that nasty ass mass-produced hospital food that 99% of rehabs have. Plus the "campus" is HUGE and you can play tennis, volleyball, basketball, football, etc. They have a pretty decent gym too if you want to work out.

That's about all I can think of. If your parents have the money I would suggest going to COPAC in Mississippi so that you'll be able to live in a city that truly has no opiates. You can get crack anywhere, but you're definitely not going to be finding any opiates. You may be able to find some lortabs or some weak painkillers, I'll admit I got addicted to dilaudid near the end of my stay down there after staying clean for over a year... but paying $35 for one 4mg dilaudid didn't really allow me to have a big habit. Considering the 4mg dillys cost between $5-15 elsewhere. And everybody who was selling dilaudid there was getting it from the same source in tennessee and they got busted near the end of my stay down there and everything went dry and the people that had the pills left were selling them for $50 a piece. Roxy 30s were going for $50 too, before the dilaudid dried up.

Basically, if you wan't to get away from Heroin... Jackson, Mississippi is about the only town in the US in my opinion where there is no market for heroin. There is a reason they call it Crack town, though. Just skip to the last 30 seconds of this music video for a look at how cracked out Jackson is - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TVT7iE-2Yo

That's a video by Lil Mal. The last 30 seconds shows a kid giving a plate of food to some cracked out relative.
 
This is the one I went to ten years ago. They used to have a location on Van Buren downtown, which was very convenient for me. It says $50 a week. That's what it was when I went. Maybe this is an old site, but if $50 a week is too much and you're waiting to get into some free clinic, then you're thinking like a junkie.

http://www.pdssc.com/feehours.htm
 
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