Depression Checking out

[smokeymcpot42088]

She isn't wrong that you have to be the one to decide to live. She sounds like a hardass. YOU STRUCK A CHORD WITH YOUR STORY FRIEND!

Since my father died and left my mother widowed we have been isolated from all family and friends. (natural causes its not like that lol)... Not one member of my fathers family has contacted us since his funeral. My family has taken multiple trips to maui and disney world (for some reason) *and thats my moms side. They have never included us. In fact my mothers side of the family doesn't talk to us at all either. (no particular reason) They just seem to deem us as 'less than' for some reason.

They definitely have put my mother at risk of death with no apology more than once. I used my one phonecall to call my aunt *cuz my mas phone was off, and she just said "dont cry in jail" and hung up on me. Another aunt laughed at the thought of me having seizures and being raped in jail. I never did go to jail btw.

My mom is devestated since the loss of my father and quite often takes her general dissatisfaction out on me. When things are ugly shes laughed at me for being *attention grabber* suicidal.

I think she loves you in whatever strange cold way it is.

Grandmothers are there to spoil not raise. (largely)

 

[anonymouse77]

She isn't wrong that you have to be the one to decide to live. She sounds like a hardass. YOU STRUCK A CHORD WITH YOUR STORY FRIEND!

Since my father died and left my mother widowed we have been isolated from all family and friends. (natural causes its not like that lol)... Not one member of my fathers family has contacted us since his funeral. My family has taken multiple trips to maui and disney world (for some reason) *and thats my moms side. They have never included us. In fact my mothers side of the family doesn't talk to us at all either. (no particular reason) They just seem to deem us as 'less than' for some reason.

They definitely have put my mother at risk of death with no apology more than once. I used my one phonecall to call my aunt *cuz my mas phone was off, and she just said "dont cry in jail" and hung up on me. Another aunt laughed at the thought of me having seizures and being raped in jail. I never did go to jail btw.

My mom is devestated since the loss of my father and quite often takes her general dissatisfaction out on me. When things are ugly shes laughed at me for being *attention grabber* suicidal.

I think she loves you in whatever strange cold way it is.

Grandmothers are there to spoil not raise. (largely)

Wow I'm sorry for your situation and the loss of your father. Not sure how old you are but I'm mid 40's so pretty old. I was kind of cut off from any family outside my immediate family so I don't have anyone except my siblings and now that their kids are older they kind of join in on the dysfunction and are influenced by their parents so I don't see them. I was close to the oldest brothers kids when they were little and minded them and spoiled them but now they are grown.

I just also wanted to say about the grandparents thing - I feel I was ripped off there too. All but my paternal grandmother passed before I was born (my maternal grandmother passed a few months after I was born) so I only knew one grandmother who lived 2.5 hours drive away and we only saw her once or twice a year. I didn't feel overly close to her or spoiled at all and she passed when I was about 8. So I feel like I missed out on that aspect of family also.

Also wanted to say there was no funeral for our father and as far as I know the middle brother (adopted - me and the oldest are biological) has the ashes.

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

Im sorry man. People suck. If you have one person that gives a fuck about you for real you are very lucky. I am sure your mother does love you. What she is going through right now is unimaginable.

To be straight my mom isnt that nice to me still 7 yrs afterwards but I know she loves me. (although almst daily she does tell me fuck off i dont wanna hear from you). Just close proximity living I think.

You aren't the only one man haha if I told you what happened to my friends than youd have pity for me and im not fishin lol

 

[anonymouse77]

Im sorry man. People suck. If you have one person that gives a fuck about you for real you are very lucky. I am sure your mother does love you. What she is going through right now is unimaginable.

To be straight my mom isnt that nice to me still 7 yrs afterwards but I know she loves me. (although almst daily she does tell me fuck off i dont wanna hear from you). Just close proximity living I think.

You aren't the only one man haha if I told you what happened to my friends than youd have pity for me and im not fishin lol

Thank you. Sorry your extended family have also not contacted you. It's not right.

The other thing is my mother divorced our dad almost 30 years ago now (and remarried) so his death would not impact her daily life that much. It was a bitter, nasty divorce. Not sure I have even one person who cares unless you count my cat.

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

Wow I'm sorry for your situation and the loss of your father. Not sure how old you are but I'm mid 40's so pretty old. I was kind of cut off from any family outside my immediate family so I don't have anyone except my siblings and now that their kids are older they kind of join in on the dysfunction and are influenced by their parents so I don't see them. I was close to the oldest brothers kids when they were little and minded them and spoiled them but now they are grown.

I just also wanted to say about the grandparents thing - I feel I was ripped off there too. All but my paternal grandmother passed before I was born (my maternal grandmother passed a few months after I was born) so I only knew one grandmother who lived 2.5 hours drive away and we only saw her once or twice a year. I didn't feel overly close to her or spoiled at all and she passed when I was about 8. So I feel like I missed out on that aspect of family also.

Also wanted to say there was no funeral for our father and as far as I know the middle brother (adopted - me and the oldest are biological) has the ashes.

Thank you! That is very kind. Oh I am late 30s my ma 70. Dude even her siblings cut her, after convincing her to move to a house we can't really afford like under 5 miles from where they live (agghh lol)

I am sorry for your situation as well, kind of same, my decent grandpa died when I was like 3. The other one would beat us with pool cues if we scuffed his table (im sure he was pulling back a little but still!) Lol mowed his lawn for him for years on his broken ass lawn mower till he had a fit "The only time it breaks is when you use it"..... "Yea gramps Im the only one to use it, who else would it break on?" Fucker had a jon deer riding mower that was too good for me. I skipped his funeral and actually refused the check *long story he fucked my dad financially*.

My 'good grandma' lived about 8 hours away near detroit but we visited every christmas, than they moved up here and grandma held the family together, when she passed we got shunned for basically inheritance reasons. (not that we expected anything or there was alot, but still)

gotta love people. Man just be the best man or woman you can be and realize the bar is set very low right now haha

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

Thank you. Sorry your extended family have also not contacted you. It's not right.

The other thing is my mother divorced our dad almost 30 years ago now (and remarried) so his death would not impact her daily life that much. It was a bitter, nasty divorce. Not sure I have even one person who cares unless you count my cat.

Animals are the best. Cats are known to lower blood pressure. My cat is a savior for panic attacks. Better than a valium

 

[anonymouse77]

Animals are the best. Cats are known to lower blood pressure. My cat is a savior for panic attacks. Better than a valium

Yes so true. Also just to elaborate on how you said my mother sounds like a hardass - that's an understatement. She is just cold to the point she ignores me and won't show me any support or kindness or attention. I have never seen anything like it. I can recall when if she didn't like what I was saying or asking she would just ignore me totally. Even if it was innocent normal stuff. I don't know how she can love me when she can't show it.

 

[kiely]

Hi again @anonymouse77

Oh I love kitties. I just got a little baby kitty. Like 20 minutes ago !! It's cool and looks like it is a little tough one. I named her Spirit but I can't tell if it's a boy or girl. So his nick name is Ghostie.

It has a lot of fur. Isn't even afraid of the dogs.

And is completely black and has medium long fur/hair and is so cool and bad arsed.

And looks like it will be a big ole cat. I love it. Meow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's so sad about your Mom. She sounds so incredibly Unhealthy.

And yes at least you are trying to get healthy and take care of yourself.

She just seems like she is existing on selfishness. It's not your fault. You have to just do better than her.

And I bet you can. Little by little she will be the Villain and not you.

You are really trying to be so much better than that.

Thanks for letting us know that you are holding up so well and staying so strong.

So yes, don't let the past and her destroy your future anyway.

And live for what today now has to offer not what yesterday and she has taken away from you okay !!!

Smile and know that bad chapters can turn into great stories.

Try to focus less on them and more on trying to succeed without them as a by being more successful at this.

Tell her how you feel that she doesn't care to have love in her heart for you and that it is terrible for you to be treated in such an unhealthy way by your own mother.

Tell her it is unhealthy and negative and you don't choose to live like that and that you need real joy in your life without this kind of behavior around you.

Then just be kind and friendly and avoid her at all costs and whenever possible and think about other more happier things to go on doing in life.

At least you want to change and be different and you are trying to be a completely different person and live way above and better than that.

She can just be stuck like that after you move on and I know that you are above such a thing.

Failure and dysfunction can still create successful people . . . . and that can be you !!!!

Don't let them destroy you any more than they have. You deserve to be a healthy person unlike how they try to have power over you and make your life more negative.

You deserve to be better than them. Because you care about changing and learning how to be healthy. They do not !!! Bottom line. End of story.

You are so much better than all of that !!! And wow do you ever have a story though. And stay strong through it all.

Don't let them solicit you like that. Find something better. I know that you can !

 

[jasperkent]

Animals are the best.

Yes so true.

The last time I was feeling suicidal (about 4yrs ago), I took one look into my dog's eyes and knew I couldn't possibly leave her like that. She's a rescued pitbull and is like a daughter to me. She's also my best friend.

See my avatar.

 

[kiely]

The last time I was feeling suicidal (about 4yrs ago), I took one look into my dog's eyes and knew I couldn't possibly leave her like that. She's a rescued pitbull and is like a daughter to me. She's also my best friend.

See my avatar.

That's so awesome ! What's her name ?

 

[someguyontheinternet]

I would just block those people who bring negativity into your life. Its not worth the effort to try and deal with their nonsense. I've had to cut contact with people for the same reason, you definitely aren't alone

 

[jasperkent]

That's so awesome ! What's her name ?

Dixie Chick

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

Yes so true. Also just to elaborate on how you said my mother sounds like a hardass - that's an understatement. She is just cold to the point she ignores me and won't show me any support or kindness or attention. I have never seen anything like it. I can recall when if she didn't like what I was saying or asking she would just ignore me totally. Even if it was innocent normal stuff. I don't know how she can love me when she can't show it.

Alot of people have problems showing their love. The older the more likely it to be a problem IME, but those are mostly boomer males who think I love you to a nephew or w/e would be akin to getting me a tight pink spandex onsie for christmas. Knife every year, I collect knives so that works just great. (haha except when I was about ten I outted one of my uncles for getting another uncle a cheap ass knife) "You paid what, I got that for 8 bux online at cheaperthandirt!" lol.

I don't know what to tell you about your mom, she is gunna be who she is, perhaps love is better found elsewhere. *NOW NOTE I AM NOT SAYING SHE DOESN"T LOVE YOU, QUITE THE OPPOSITE I JUST ABOUT GUARANTEE SHE DOES. but for whatever reason isn't acting loving.

What about the rest of the family, anyone decent to talk to? *srry if you arleady said and i missed it, im a last post reader admittedly.

 

[anonymouse77]

Hi again @anonymouse77

Oh I love kitties. I just got a little baby kitty. Like 20 minutes ago !! It's cool and looks like it is a little tough one. I named her Spirit but I can't tell if it's a boy or girl. So his nick name is Ghostie.

It has a lot of fur. Isn't even afraid of the dogs.

And is completely black and has medium long fur/hair and is so cool and bad arsed.

And looks like it will be a big ole cat. I love it. Meow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's so sad about your Mom. She sounds so incredibly Unhealthy.

And yes at least you are trying to get healthy and take care of yourself.

She just seems like she is existing on selfishness. It's not your fault. You have to just do better than her.

And I bet you can. Little by little she will be the Villain and not you.

You are really trying to be so much better than that.

Thanks for letting us know that you are holding up so well and staying so strong.

So yes, don't let the past and her destroy your future anyway.

And live for what today now has to offer not what yesterday and she has taken away from you okay !!!

Smile and know that bad chapters can turn into great stories.

Try to focus less on them and more on trying to succeed without them as a by being more successful at this.

Tell her how you feel that she doesn't care to have love in her heart for you and that it is terrible for you to be treated in such an unhealthy way by your own mother.

Tell her it is unhealthy and negative and you don't choose to live like that and that you need real joy in your life without this kind of behavior around you.

Then just be kind and friendly and avoid her at all costs and whenever possible and think about other more happier things to go on doing in life.

At least you want to change and be different and you are trying to be a completely different person and live way above and better than that.

She can just be stuck like that after you move on and I know that you are above such a thing.

Failure and dysfunction can still create successful people . . . . and that can be you !!!!

Don't let them destroy you any more than they have. You deserve to be a healthy person unlike how they try to have power over you and make your life more negative.

You deserve to be better than them. Because you care about changing and learning how to be healthy. They do not !!! Bottom line. End of story.

You are so much better than all of that !!! And wow do you ever have a story though. And stay strong through it all.

Don't let them solicit you like that. Find something better. I know that you can !

Thank you so much for your reply and congratulations on your new kittie Ghostie/Spirit! That is so exciting. I adopted a tortoiseshell about 3 years ago now and called her Holly.

I enjoyed your reply very much - you have a wonderful way with words. Some of the things you said really hit home. When you said about how they try to have power over me - I would describe my mother/family as extremely controlling so you are spot on with that. It's all part of the emotional coldness/manipulation to make you feel a certain way.

Enjoy your new kitty.xx

 

[anonymouse77]

The last time I was feeling suicidal (about 4yrs ago), I took one look into my dog's eyes and knew I couldn't possibly leave her like that. She's a rescued pitbull and is like a daughter to me. She's also my best friend.

See my avatar.

Thank you for your reply. I am glad you are still here and with your doggie daughter. I will take your advice and look into my cats eyes next time I am feeling like that. I don't want to leave her alone in this world. I adopted her (a tortoiseshell) about 3 years ago from a rescue organisation. She is very precious to me.

 

[anonymouse77]

I would just block those people who bring negativity into your life. Its not worth the effort to try and deal with their nonsense. I've had to cut contact with people for the same reason, you definitely aren't alone

Thank you for your reply and good advice. I will try to do this but it's just hard when it's your own mother/siblings. I don't even have to block my mother as she is so cold she just ignores me but the brother calls me non-stop for hours a day. It just started up how it was years ago after years (about 6 years) of no contact. It's like it's this intense all-or-nothing thing with him.

 

[anonymouse77]

Alot of people have problems showing their love. The older the more likely it to be a problem IME, but those are mostly boomer males who think I love you to a nephew or w/e would be akin to getting me a tight pink spandex onsie for christmas. Knife every year, I collect knives so that works just great. (haha except when I was about ten I outted one of my uncles for getting another uncle a cheap ass knife) "You paid what, I got that for 8 bux online at cheaperthandirt!" lol.

I don't know what to tell you about your mom, she is gunna be who she is, perhaps love is better found elsewhere. *NOW NOTE I AM NOT SAYING SHE DOESN"T LOVE YOU, QUITE THE OPPOSITE I JUST ABOUT GUARANTEE SHE DOES. but for whatever reason isn't acting loving.

What about the rest of the family, anyone decent to talk to? *srry if you arleady said and i missed it, im a last post reader admittedly.

Thank you for your reply and good perspective. That is funny about your uncles lol. It's definitely true about the older generations showing their love and also their style of parenting.

That is a good point about her not acting loving - thank you for wording it like that. Also I appreciated how kiely worded it about me feeling that she doesn't have love in her heart. It's hard for me to communicate it to her because I typically put it badly and say something about how she's not a good mother and she just reacts nastily by saying well I'm not a good daughter to her and it just escalates from there. She just has a very cold/reactive way of talking to me. Never calm or supportive but just antagonistic and critical.

As far as the rest of the family I only really have the 17 year older brother who does the constant phone calls when we are talking. It's like an all-or-nothing thing with him. I also suspect he doesn't respect me much going by the things he talks about. He dominates and controls the conversation a lot and a few years ago he manipulated (that's how I felt) to do something I wasn't personally happy with or proud of and I felt like I did it to impress him and it just made me realise that they manipulate me so I wanted no contact with them. I used to tell my mother about things they did and she would say how if someone treated her that way she would have nothing to do with them but then when I was no contact with them she threw it back at me by accusing me of not talking to them....they twist what you do.

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

Thank you for your reply and good perspective. That is funny about your uncles lol. It's definitely true about the older generations showing their love and also their style of parenting.

That is a good point about her not acting loving - thank you for wording it like that. Also I appreciated how kiely worded it about me feeling that she doesn't have love in her heart. It's hard for me to communicate it to her because I typically put it badly and say something about how she's not a good mother and she just reacts nastily by saying well I'm not a good daughter to her and it just escalates from there. She just has a very cold/reactive way of talking to me. Never calm or supportive but just antagonistic and critical.

I have the same problem with wording things 'nastily'. I think really it is just me cutting to the quick of the matter a little too quickly.

Try to find common ground maybe, a premise that you both will agree with. I suggest "mom I don't think we are communicating clearly to each other"

From there it is an easy jump to ''this miscommunication, lack of communication, w/e is negatively affecting our relationship"

If she hits you with "well your not a good daughter to me" you can simply re-iterate that it is very hard to be a good daughter to someone who you are unable communicate with.

I think (with me at least) alot of potentially non confrontational situations are made at least slightly more confrontational by trying to cover too much ground immediately. This is often because in confrontational situations I imagine I will only have a brief window of time to make my point, ammends, qualm, w/e before the person clams up and starts being confrontational back.....a bit of a self fulfilling phrophecy.

As far as the rest of the family I only really have the 17 year older brother who does the constant phone calls when we are talking. It's like an all-or-nothing thing with him. I also suspect he doesn't respect me much going by the things he talks about. He dominates and controls the conversation a lot and a few years ago he manipulated (that's how I felt) to do something I wasn't personally happy with or proud of and I felt like I did it to impress him and it just made me realise that they manipulate me so I wanted no contact with them. I used to tell my mother about things they did and she would say how if someone treated her that way she would have nothing to do with them but then when I was no contact with them she threw it back at me by accusing me of not talking to them....they twist what you do.

egh I check peoples phones at the door. but I guess even that wouldn't work in your situation. I suspect you may have low self esteem; and you shouldn't. If 17 yr old bro is older....... than if you bring home decent grades and help out around the house whatever amount is appropriate in your situation; hold your head up.

No reason to let bro dominate or manipulate you in anyway. I would probably avoid big bro when he is with his friends. I think he probably has low self esteem as well and will very much regret manipulating you for his friends in the future. (assuming he does grow up, most of us do?)

How does mom treat your brother? I was simply thinking a level headed family member may be able to provide perspective and perhaps some compassion for what you are going through.

 

[jasperkent]

Thank you for your reply. I am glad you are still here and with your doggie daughter. I will take your advice and look into my cats eyes next time I am feeling like that. I don't want to leave her alone in this world. I adopted her (a tortoiseshell) about 3 years ago from a rescue organisation. She is very precious to me.

Cool.
My Dixie was a rescue, too. Her asshole owner beat her (and his girlfriend) regularly.
She's the best dog I've ever known.

 

[anonymouse77]

I have the same problem with wording things 'nastily'. I think really it is just me cutting to the quick of the matter a little too quickly.

Try to find common ground maybe, a premise that you both will agree with. I suggest "mom I don't think we are communicating clearly to each other"

From there it is an easy jump to ''this miscommunication, lack of communication, w/e is negatively affecting our relationship"

If she hits you with "well your not a good daughter to me" you can simply re-iterate that it is very hard to be a good daughter to someone who you are unable communicate with.

I think (with me at least) alot of potentially non confrontational situations are made at least slightly more confrontational by trying to cover too much ground immediately. This is often because in confrontational situations I imagine I will only have a brief window of time to make my point, ammends, qualm, w/e before the person clams up and starts being confrontational back.....a bit of a self fulfilling phrophecy.




egh I check peoples phones at the door. but I guess even that wouldn't work in your situation. I suspect you may have low self esteem; and you shouldn't. If 17 yr old bro is older....... than if you bring home decent grades and help out around the house whatever amount is appropriate in your situation; hold your head up.

No reason to let bro dominate or manipulate you in anyway. I would probably avoid big bro when he is with his friends. I think he probably has low self esteem as well and will very much regret manipulating you for his friends in the future. (assuming he does grow up, most of us do?)

How does mom treat your brother? I was simply thinking a level headed family member may be able to provide perspective and perhaps some compassion for what you are going through.

Thank you again for your reply. I haven't felt like talking about this stuff for a couple of days so sorry for the delay.

I just wanted to say that I am older (mid 40's) and the oldest brother is about 64 (I think he just turned it). I only mention how much older he is as he is a full brother (ie same both parents) and my only real biological sibling. It's kind of an unusual family dynamic in him being 17 years older as we didn't grow up together (he was an adult from my first memory of him) but we lived in the same house until he got married when he was about 35. By grow up together I mean be kids together at the same time - we lived in the same house when I was a kid. So a long time. The other middle brother is 5 years older than me (so about 51) and he was adopted. I treated him the same but he threw it in my face a few months ago and it hit me that he blames me for being adopted or is jealous or something.

The reasoning behind this is apparently my parents tried to have another/more kids after the oldest, were told they couldn't or it was unlikely so they adopted and then I came along.

This oldest brother is very uptight and him and our mother have an uptight/constant yelling relationship also. If I complain about anything either of the brothers do I am just told how they treat everyone like that.

The oldest brother definitely has low self esteem like me I think. The adopted brother is more outgoing/confident. Also the oldest brother used to tell me things like "the man has the plan" and "the male tells the tale" so I get the impression that he will defend the middle brother and anything he does. He won't acknowledge or even care that he treats me like crap/bullies me and gets on board and takes his side and just shrugs. So it's like the men stick together. It was a very chauvinistic household and I remember our father talking bad about females often.