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Casual Relationship With EX

Dizmal

Dizmal

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 9, 2011
Messages
95
Location
my head
Casual With Your EX ?

Has anyone tried this?

I've found myself in a casual relationship with my ex of 2 years. I really do love her more then I've loved anything, unconditionally. But she dose not want to be in a relationship and for some reasons me and her can never work, or so she thinks, mainly due to my bad choices in the past which has fucked things for now.

For the past month or so we have been casually seeing each other everyday, having sex a few times a week and staying over most nights. Not to mention using the L word quite abit and being really intimate and affectionate. But DAMN, It seems I allmost forgot things were just casual, now today she is going to see someone she was casually seeing and having sex with while we broke contact for a while. She told me she will probably stay over at his tonight and have sex with him, and she wont be telling me if she dose again because we are only casual and she doesn't want to have to answer to anybody, then said but shell allways have a place in her heart and love me no matter what. Fair enough, I can accept that, just after reconnecting for the past month or so I guess I just got attached again. I should probably jump on the bandwagon and find a nice casuall fuck buddy or someone to date.

Do you think I should keep seeing her casually or has she just been using me as an emotional cat scratching poll? We are best friends and I think soul mates and we have AMAZING kinky and intimate sex. Ill do anything to be with her, even if she can never truely be my own and we must see other people too, the connection we have and her company is something I have never been able to find with anyone else. My only other concern is that I could possibly be shafted off to the side when she starts getting attached to the other guy shes seeing.

Ugh, well Im biting the bullet and trying not to make a fuss out of it, but its kind of eating away at me inside. Like right now she is doing him of her own free will and in a few days she will wanna screw me and lay with me in bed and tell me she loves me, it's totally fucked up.

How do you make a casual relationship work when your in love and have such a history? :(
 
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This is now driving me insane!!! Cant help wondering if she will fuck him in the morning and make him breakfast. I feel like such a wuss, damn how I hate you emotions and obsession.

I guess this thread is more of a rant =/
 
going back from a love-history towards a casual relation is dangerous
unconsciously you will be doing boyfriend things again for her which fall beyond the boundaries of a casual relationship, unconciously you will expect girlfriend-things back in return which she won't give back, this will put you in a vulnerable situation where you potentially can get hurt

your post here on the forum already proves my point, you are in a mental state of confusion, uncertainty (because you have mixed feelings), she is probably completely fine having fun with multiple guys.

IMO it seems impossible to sustain a mix of past love-feeling with causual sex, eventually someone is going to get hurt

And after all, if it's just sex you two are having? Is it so important? Do you want you soul to get crushed in a couple of weeks for a few shags?
 
Thanks for your reply!

I think you are right, it's very dangerous and hard to sustain. It can be really hard and hurtfull.

In my case it's not just sex we are having, it's quickly escellated from ex's catching up as friends to being full on lovers without the offical relationship title for the past month. She was wanting to spend lots of time with me and get intimate and act like a girlfriend/do gf stuff just like when we were together and tell me she loves me and make future plans with me ect.. Just to turn around and say hang on, we're only casual remember, im going to have someone else now.

Tossing up the idea of walking away and saying goodbye to a over 2 year long relationship and one of my best friends.
 
Thanks I really appreciate the thought you have given in your responses. Your right I know what I have to do deep down. Putting words into action is another story, because I want to avoid falling back in this circle.

Still really appreciates these second opinions guys keep em comming, any affirmation that will help me see through the inevitable :(

Not that logic will ever conquer emotions.
 
Such a tough situation. It seems like you need to break all contact with her if you want to forget about her and move on. Moving on seems like the best way to spare your feelings. Instead of constantly wondering whether she is having sex with someone else. What she's doing with someone else.
You need to get away. Stop it completely. If she wants you back, make her come to you. She knows how you feel, there isn't much more you can do.

Good luck.
 
If she is seeing other people, there is a good chance she is not into you that much anymore. When a situation like this happens, it drives the other person insane. What happen in the original relationship? I've had casual friendships with exes, and in my situation, I could not trust him to let go again. I still care about him, and I beat myself up for not being able to trust him. I'd actually love a second (well third lol) chance with him, but in my heart I know I can't trust him to do what he did again. I love hanging out with him. He's the most fun, carefree and interesting people I've met, but he ruined my trust and I don't think I can get that back.

If anything similar has happened with her, then she likely is making the right choice for her and she has to do what is best for her.
 
Thanks llama and Lyris, it's sweet as to get a females input!

Without getting too in to it, I broke her trust many times and she gave me more chances then I could count, but it's more complicated then that, she is 10 years older then me and doesn't approve of drugs or drinking, something guys my age do alot(earily 20's) but I am a man of my own choices. And so ill spare the long painfull story cause yeah.. your right I need to move on again and so dose she.
 
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Because we were together for almost 2 years and I hadn't changed for her(yes change is expected), and I'm too young. Funny thing is, I didn't speak to her for 5 days and she went absolutely nuts! She wouldn't stop calling and texting me, wanting to know who I was with and what I was doing. I held my ground and 1 long hour of ignoring calls and saying its time to move on, refusing to say who I was with(I with with some friends, but she thought I was with another women which is very hypocritical to get mad about) but I caved in eventually and we spoke. 2 hour convo that kept looping around in circles, as she wants her cake and to eat it too.

Shes not letting me go, she doesn't want to loose her best friend, but isn't prepeared to be with me officially or plan a future.

Im completely lost.
 
I can relate so painfully to this. I started having casual sex w/ a girl I dated a year and some change before and we clicked perfectly in the physical department. At the time, I was an alcoholic and taking a lion's head of tramadol and I think I just wanted someone familiar and comfortable, someone w/ whom it's easy to hop into bed. That lasted for 3-4 months before I realized I was falling in love w/ her - needing her around more and more. This came as a shock, b/c I surely thought if someone's feelings would intensify they would be hers. I had left her originally, and initially thought I was interested in only sex and friendship. It turns out she responded favorably to my feelings and we embarked on an already doomed relationship which probably made the twenty-first to twenty-fourth year of my life pretty hellish (in our casual stage we each slept w/ another person, a shock, b/c we each held the other on moralistic pedestals). We broke up after 9 months, yet continued having casual sex for another 8 months until we fell out and didn't speak for a year, at which time she re-initiated contact apologizing and saying we should try to make some kind of life together. That lasted for an awe-inspiring 3 months before she found someone who was a duplicate of me in terms of addiction and I've since stopped speaking w/ her as a friend b/c she frequently attacks me for my insensitivity when we were together.

Sorry for the ranting prose, but I guess my point is, so many times I wish I'd walked away and pursued other more healthy options I had. But I felt I had everything in the world in common w/ this person, and really thought I may not love someone as intensely as I did her again. I've realized maybe that is true, but the intensity was frankly a problem, and no love is ever the same anyway - a good thing, IMO. In your case, she is being very clear w/ you she is not willing to enter a conventional relationship, and I can tell you are not going to be someone who can live happily w/ an open relationship. You should calmly (as possible) tell her you are not interested in settling for casual open relations, and if she wants you to continue to be a presence in her life she will need to make a decision. It's not unfair to ask for that, and it's not unfair you should want to break it off if she doesn't agree. Avoid anger, from what I've read she's been open and honest w/ you and is deserving of your openness, honesty, and clarity - whether she seems to want it or not.

Also, there is the perennial issue of STI transmission. Condoms don't protect you fully from HPV, and that shit is everywhere.

Good luck, and more than anything, you have my sincerest sympathies b/c this situation broke me, almost destroyed me. Be good to yourself, OP.
 
So, I recognize the fact that she's shagging another man and lets you know about it, but how would she feel if you told her you'd be shagging someone tomorrow but will be back in time to get in bed with her and do whatever...? I really think to her, you're a safe outlet for sex and companionship. However, any long-term success as a couple appears to be out of the question. I really don't think this is a healthy situation for you emotionally. In fact, I don't know how you're doing it because I know for sure, I couldn't. If I were you, and assuming you really do want to be with her, I'd give her an ultimatum (I wouldn't word it quite that way) that you two either need to make a "go" of it or you'll need to split. Then you need to follow through with it all.

I think this is the only healthy option for you and I do wish you ALL the BEST!
 
wow OP, I feel for you. I've never been in this situation but I can't imagine as to how damaging and confusing this would be to my psyche

like someone said, it sounds like your former lady wants to have her cake and eat it, too. I know you still love her, but it seems to me that she has made it (painfully) obvious that you two stand no chance to get back together

I would leave IMMEDIATELY. not any second sooner. first and foremost, what she is doing can't be healthy to you. secondly, I wouldn't be too keen on the idea of a girl to whom I am sleeping with singularly to be sleeping around on me. I mean, who knows how many other guys she is consummating her relationship with?? this guy is the only guy she has told you about (and in a way that I think was supposed to fuck with your head/make you jealous)

I would be extremely worried about catching something from your former ex and current fuck buddy, but hey, I do worry about these things. I guess not all people do...

RUN AWAY, QUICK
 
Dizmal said:
Has anyone tried this?

We are best friends and I think soul mates and we have AMAZING kinky and intimate sex. :(
Click to expand...

LoL, there's only so many ways to have sex... and they all get boring especially if its with the same person. Ask any married couple.


----

But to reply to the topic... stop wasting your time with her and put energy towards finding someone new. She is a dead end now. Turn around and find a different direction to take.
 
yea OP, Props for the guts to share, but as the posters have said before me, cut ties. I AM in your situation, in a way. Only I am 24 and we had a 9+ year relationship where we have grown together definitively. There's no other guy or thing, as far as I know, but being casual keeps me thinking 'if we act like BF/GF, then why are we not?' She has said, it's because she doesn't want things to go back to the way they were, but things haven't looked like they did when we parted ways (as far as living arrangements) in years (2+). So I am currently caught in the P-trap. Move on and find a new chick?, or Live with this situation that I do not enjoy, but cant tolerate. When we are together things are great. But there have been other guys that were in the picture a while after we initially broke up and she moved out and before we got back to this 'casual' thing bs. One ending with an abortion, THAT I PAID FOR...:X AND still I, like you, feel a deep bond with my ex, and consider her, to this day, my best friend ironically. The thought without her sucks, and so does the one with her.

On more than one occasion, I have said I'm going to walk if we remain stagnant. NOT because I want to or really FELT it would be better, but mostly because I KNEW it would be better for me and potentially the both of us. At very least, it would be healthier! But she says she doesn't know what to do, and gets clingy when I want to walk; as do I, when the situation is reversed. All in all, I feel the end is near as she doesn't have that 'lets be together forever' vibe we used to have, even though I do.

I have thought long and hard with professional help about this situation and all answers point to breaking/cutting ties and moving on. I am yet to listen to anyone's advice, so who am I to give you advice? But this is just my 2cents. If I KNEW of another guy, I would be forced to re-evaluate what that relationship means to ME and MY mental well being. Most likely with professional help as I have found therapy to be unbelievable, especially in these situations. An ex being the main reason i went to a therapist originally. SO long story short, do what you believe is right. You seem to know that this half hearted commitment on her part is something you can not and will not deal with, but getting to the point of making the change is a MF'er, and I feel for ya.( like the "steps of change" http://www.cellinteractive.com/ucla/physcian_ed/stages_change.html )... I hope things work out for ya. I've been told there's other fishes in the sea, and some of them are shinier and more suitable for other fish, but not sure I believe it...;)
Best of luck, coming from one who can relate with your situation. *sorry for such a huge post, but I have never seen or heard from someone in a relationship that resembles mine so well, in a complex, f'ed up kind of way.
 
Funny thing is, I didn't speak to her for 5 days and she went absolutely nuts! She wouldn't stop calling and texting me, wanting to know who I was with and what I was doing.
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Please don't confuse jealousy with love and compassion. As I said in my original post, I go through the same thing and find myself walking/talking in circles, more often than not.
before she found someone who was a duplicate of me in terms of addiction
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WOW, the guy who knocked her up was my half ass'd, 3rd prestige(C.O.D.MW reference) duplicate, and she TOLD me she thought, "If Blu3 wouldn't lie, cheat, steal; why would this guy?"8( Not taking into account 9 years of a relationship vs. a whopping month and a half of knowing him total. He then proceeded to steal her deceased mothers jewelry, and pawn every last piece, for drugs. (I assume, since he lived at her house, and had no other real bills.) Without proof and dealing with an abortion, she kind of just let it go, but it still urk'ed me like NO other.
wants to have her cake and eat it, too
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One of the most powerful statements I have been told that applies 100%. And I have thought all along.
I would be extremely worried about catching something from your former ex and current fuck buddy
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Something I didn't want to address, as I cant bare the thought myself, but very true. Monogamy being a large part of my sex life, as I hated condoms and wasn't worried about pregnancy as I have always wanted a child, but acknowledge the need to wait and plan things out. So thinking she hasn't had other partners was an attractive personality trait that is virtually extinct 'this day and age'

-I felt the need to post again because of how feel strongly about this and I am getting advice from this thread as well. Thanks to the posters and I am taken back from the amount of people who go through this same type ish.
 
Thanks for the advice everybody, and Blu3 feel for ya, sounds like you know exactly where im comming from and goodluck whatever you decide, I'm especially glad Im not the only one stuck in one of these headfucks. Let me know what happens! Thanks for your story also motherofearth

I really didn't want to hurt her in the end, but I told her how I cant handle this anymore, she got mad and frusterated as did I. Tensions and tempers grew, she was pretty pissed due to the intense subject she really didn't want to address. In my angst and confusion I harshly told her to do me a favour and leave me the fuck alone, and if she loved me she would do this for me. I really hate having to hurt her in the end and leave things like that after over 2 years of being so close. Im gunna miss her to death, but it's for the best right? :(

I need to grow and develop as a person and and saying goodbye to my past lover and best friend is just one of those painfull descions I have been forced to make.
 
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Dizmal said:
Has anyone tried this?

I've found myself in a casual relationship with my ex of 2 years. I really do love her more then I've loved anything, unconditionally. But she dose not want to be in a relationship and for some reasons me and her can never work, or so she thinks, mainly due to my bad choices in the past which has fucked things for now.

For the past month or so we have been casually seeing each other everyday, having sex a few times a week and staying over most nights. Not to mention using the L word quite abit and being really intimate and affectionate. But DAMN, It seems I allmost forgot things were just casual, now today she is going to see someone she was casually seeing and having sex with while we broke contact for a while. She told me she will probably stay over at his tonight and have sex with him, and she wont be telling me if she dose again because we are only casual and she doesn't want to have to answer to anybody, then said but shell allways have a place in her heart and love me no matter what. Fair enough, I can accept that, just after reconnecting for the past month or so I guess I just got attached again. I should probably jump on the bandwagon and find a nice casuall fuck buddy or someone to date.

Do you think I should keep seeing her casually or has she just been using me as an emotional cat scratching poll? We are best friends and I think soul mates and we have AMAZING kinky and intimate sex. Ill do anything to be with her, even if she can never truely be my own and we must see other people too, the connection we have and her company is something I have never been able to find with anyone else. My only other concern is that I could possibly be shafted off to the side when she starts getting attached to the other guy shes seeing.

Ugh, well Im biting the bullet and trying not to make a fuss out of it, but its kind of eating away at me inside. Like right now she is doing him of her own free will and in a few days she will wanna screw me and lay with me in bed and tell me she loves me, it's totally fucked up.

How do you make a casual relationship work when your in love and have such a history? :(
Click to expand...

you don't fuck that, I had to learn the hard way to leave that shit behind. I mean I'm the one that broke up with my ex and thought I could maintain a casual relationship with her as friends but as soon as she saw someone else jealousy sunk in. The jealousy will wear you down you need to cut off contact with her, take her off your facebook friends, and focus on other girls. Try to find someone else you're into and keep your eyes on the real prize
 
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