Captive Audiences

[nooneanymore]

Ok, wouldn't mind meeting someone but find it hard to do so.

Online dating doesn't work for guys and I don't want to waste my time there. I make it a rule to not hit on or become interested in women at work.

I don't have a large social circle b/c I moved to a city I didn't grow up in or went to school in so I don't know anyone and work takes up a lot of my time.

This leaves a few women I'm interested in that i see daily on public transportation and as clerks in store, etc... I consider these women somewhat captive audiences so I don't really know how to go about hitting on them or asking them out. ...kind of feels like they have less of a chance to say no and I don't know how I feel about that. ...feels like I would be pressuring someone or crossing lines.

ANY WOMAN HERE EVER feel that they were in this position of having guys be interested in them who they have to see everyday?? Is this an annoyance?

ANY guys here ever pull of a relationship like this?

 

[Ksa]

Ok, wouldn't mind meeting someone but find it hard to do so.

Online dating doesn't work for guys and I don't want to waste my time there. I make it a rule to not hit on or become interested in women at work.

I don't have a large social circle b/c I moved to a city I didn't grow up in or went to school in so I don't know anyone and work takes up a lot of my time.

This leaves a few women I'm interested in that i see daily on public transportation and as clerks in store, etc... I consider these women somewhat captive audiences so I don't really know how to go about hitting on them or asking them out. ...kind of feels like they have less of a chance to say no and I don't know how I feel about that. ...feels like I would be pressuring someone or crossing lines.

ANY WOMAN HERE EVER feel that they were in this position of having guys be interested in them who they have to see everyday?? Is this an annoyance?

ANY guys here ever pull of a relationship like this?

I've only had one girl who hit on me in a bus in my entire life. This event was so rare that I didn't realize what she wanted from me until she was gone lol. Another person who talked to me in a bus was schizophrenic. He explained to me that he had a daughter that was held in a secret underground facility that had 12 floors. His daughter was down on the 12th floor that was accessed by an elevator (he took out a pen and a paper to draw the whole thing). He explained that in the facility there were tall men and short men.

Short men were the bad guys but they had a weakness: they could only take the elevator down to the 6th floor and then had to take the stairs, because they were too short! The tall ones could go straight down by elevator to floor 12 (at this point I was closely monitoring the movements of his pen so it didn't end up in my eye). So his plan was to disguise himself as a tall man (the dude was short in real life lol), go down to 12th floor and rescue his daughter while the short men ran down the stairs to catch him, and then escape back to surface with the elevator.

You now realize why hitting on a girl in a bus has low odds of success right? :D

 

[nooneanymore]

Its a hard position to be in...

...would rather hit on a girl on a bus who I see a couple times a week and I have for a year or so then do the whole post pics on a shitty dating site and write a bs generic profile and hope someone returns an email.

The situation just sucks as a guy b/c when you approach a woman you're either written off as creep or regarded as a charming good catch. Its like there's no middle ground or rules anymore.

 

[Animal Mother]

Currently dating a hot, sweet, responsible, intelligent, fit girl that I met off of the internet.

She was one of 5 other very attractive girls that I met after putting an ad up on Craigslist. Are you sure that online dating doesn't work?

But by all means, hit on the bus and clerk girls too.

 

[Junction]

There was someone a while ago I would see on my train at the same times, at the grocery store, on the street, etc. I was crushing hard.

Eventually one day I mustered the courage to approach him one of those times and tell him I thought he was handsome and would he like to grab a drink sometime? We ended up having a lively conversation to our respective stops and went on a couple very fun dates. I think that a lot of people definitely put up a shield in public to protect themselves from the obvious crazies on the street, but that doesn't mean that some of them aren't looking around and noticing you just as you notice them!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Socialize more. Or, hit on women at your work. What's there to lose?

 

[Tude]

Ok, wouldn't mind meeting someone but find it hard to do so.

Online dating doesn't work for guys and I don't want to waste my time there. I make it a rule to not hit on or become interested in women at work.

I don't have a large social circle b/c I moved to a city I didn't grow up in or went to school in so I don't know anyone and work takes up a lot of my time.

This leaves a few women I'm interested in that i see daily on public transportation and as clerks in store, etc... I consider these women somewhat captive audiences so I don't really know how to go about hitting on them or asking them out. ...kind of feels like they have less of a chance to say no and I don't know how I feel about that. ...feels like I would be pressuring someone or crossing lines.

ANY WOMAN HERE EVER feel that they were in this position of having guys be interested in them who they have to see everyday?? Is this an annoyance?

ANY guys here ever pull of a relationship like this?

The only time it's an annoyance is if the guy won't stfu about it. Otherwise, it's a part of life. People will be interested in people who don't reciprocate.

Seems like you're making excuses for not finding anyone. You say you don't know anyone and you work a lot. So...start by making some friends at work. Hang with them outside of work. Meet their friends, and their friends, and so forth. Next thing you know, you meet a girl! Good luck!

 

[nooneanymore]

I hate work so much that hatred gets expended to people I work with/around. lol.

I'm younger than most people at work and we don't have much in common. ...anyway, I've always been a big believer in not mixing work and home life. ...just seems so messy. Plus the corporate culture around much office work is bullshit and dumb, that's why there's so many shows like The Office, Dilbert, The Drew Carrey Show, etc...

Oh well, I suppose.

Here's the thing though,

I take the bus from this one corporate park bus stop that's not even remotely crowded or busy. There's this girl that I've been seeing there for at least a year, she works in a different building. We're both there at the same time alone for 2 days out of the week.

On a Friday, I taped a note to the bus stop wall before she got there with her name on it saying that I wanted to get to know her better and I asked some open ended questions and left my email and phone number.

I was hoping that she would find it and be at least a little interested and answer the note either positively or negatively. however a few days past and i heard nothing and i checked around and found the note in the nearby trash can.

it was a nice day and few if any people use the bus stop and i put the note there only an hour before she was to get there.

I don't know if she got the note or not so now its just us back at the bus stop together and I don't know if she got the note or not. lol.

I'm tempted to leave a second note. but i don't know if that's too much. id try to strike up a conversation but now i don't know if she got the note or not.

she should have just answered the note with a "no thanks im not interested" email or text. SIMPLE AS THAT. Then I probably would have gave her space and took the bus at a different time

i took this approach b/c i thought it was better than the whole internet dating thing. Nobody lying with pics and I figured I wouldn't have to wait in hopes that she returns my email. We see each other almost everyday. and i thought it would be easiest for both of us in that if she wasn't interested, all she had to do is say so. I even put that in the note.

but of course the easiness of it didn't work out. f it all.

 

[Tude]

Why not just ask her?! :D

 

[Animal Mother]

Straight up, it sounds like you're afraid of face to face rejection. If she did find that note, then I can guarantee that you've blown your chances with this girl.

 

[nooneanymore]

Why not just ask her?! :D

On my commute, no one really talks to each other. I called this thread "captive audience" because our routine requires us to see each other. Most people I know regard public trans as necessary evil (that if could be avoided would). All this speaks to why people bury their heads in their phones, turn up their ipods, and/or have their face in a books, magazine, or newspaper. Its hard to break down the barriers that people intentionally put up.

Its not like a night club or internet dating site, or something like that where people are intentionally looking to meet other people.

Moreover, I guilty of all of this myself. More than half the time when I'm going to work or coming home I'm pissed off or thinking about the shitty day I had / I am going to have, or I'm thinking about all the stuff I need to get home to do.

 

[nooneanymore]

Straight up, it sounds like you're afraid of face to face rejection. If she did find that note, then I can guarantee that you've blown your chances with this girl.

Not afraid of rejection. ...just trying to find the best way to deal with the "captive audience" situation.

I've had women friends who have worked in the service industries who complain (when they're off work) about men hitting on them and asking them out while they're on the job because they're forced to be nice and provide service.

The situation is similar.

Plus if I asked her out overtly and she did say no then I'd have to alter my schedule (b/c then it would be awkward b/c I tried to cross a line) which I'd like to avoid.

Really its just the intersection of internet dating culture blending into traditional dating culture making everything more complicated.

With internet dating culture people pretty much list almost everything (and its somewhat expected) about themselves up front. In the real world you really have nothing to work with other than a few passing "hellos" or whatever. I only make mention of this b/c although people are usually open about themselves (online at least) in the real world people are NOW more standoffish hence the smart phones, ipads, and books/magazines as walls people put up to block others out.

I think the everyday stranger pick up (outside of a bar, or other type of place / function -speed dating event for example-) is harder than most people think. Most people form relationships with people they grew up with or know through friends I suppose.

The everyday stranger pick up is the "cold call selling" of the dating world.

 

[What 23]

You are a lot right but some key parts wrong. A note to someone you have never spoken with like Animal said won't usually do well for you and if you want a chance with her, hope she didn't see it. Don't be hurt, but that's "just weird". Also, you shouldn't readjust your schedule if rejected. I identify, but you need to feel things out...

For instance... My Mon rejected my dads first advance. Maybe second. Then he took another woman to the place my mom worked, playing piano. I don't really know... But take rejection as a door already walked through. I am relieved to be rejected anymore. No more worry about what is through the door. I already know, and move with that. Who knows? An open confession of interest even if she might reject might show other possibilities... conversation. And from there, who knows?

I was talking to this girl at the grocery. She often expresses interest in me... Though she does work there, our conversations just go on and are friendly. Well, I'm not used to this. If I'm that interested in a girl to spend that much time talking... I'm usually ready to move forward. Either with or without her. That's pretty much how I am with people ... need a purpose.

Well, I asked her if she was with someone. Yes. I told her she was just very interesting. We continued talking, she doesn't avoid me. She stops what she is doing and I'm always the one to disengage... Because I reach that ceiling. . I can only talk to a point. But I still appreciate the connection.

I don't know. You say you don't fear rejection. I don't see this as true. Not saying I don't... But I guess I get excited when it happens sometimes. Unless I'm really invested perhaps. It doesn't have to be awkward. Just let it roll off your shoulders. Or give that appearance.

(Edit) I guess I can see how writing a note could work... Just not here.

And I need to take my own advice, but so often I reject the possibility, before the chance of being rejected.

 

[thujone]

I've only had one girl who hit on me in a bus in my entire life. This event was so rare that I didn't realize what she wanted from me until she was gone lol. Another person who talked to me in a bus was schizophrenic. He explained to me that he had a daughter that was held in a secret underground facility that had 12 floors. His daughter was down on the 12th floor that was accessed by an elevator (he took out a pen and a paper to draw the whole thing). He explained that in the facility there were tall men and short men.

Short men were the bad guys but they had a weakness: they could only take the elevator down to the 6th floor and then had to take the stairs, because they were too short! The tall ones could go straight down by elevator to floor 12 (at this point I was closely monitoring the movements of his pen so it didn't end up in my eye). So his plan was to disguise himself as a tall man (the dude was short in real life lol), go down to 12th floor and rescue his daughter while the short men ran down the stairs to catch him, and then escape back to surface with the elevator.

You now realize why hitting on a girl in a bus has low odds of success right? :D

looool, yeah, talking to delusional people is definitely a captive audience situation.

I take the bus from this one corporate park bus stop that's not even remotely crowded or busy. There's this girl that I've been seeing there for at least a year, she works in a different building. We're both there at the same time alone for 2 days out of the week.

On a Friday, I taped a note to the bus stop wall before she got there with her name on it...

This made me cringe so hard. At this point, I'd assume she's got a can of mace in her purse and is ready to empty the whole thing on you. Seriously. Please save yourself by approaching her in as inoffensive a manner as possible and stating your name, followed by an apology for the note, followed by an explanation that you went to such lengths not because you're insane but simply because you're incredibly shy and in denial about your fear of rejection... followed by another apology, and the request that she forgive you "if I made you feel awkward". Once you have gotten that far, it should be possible to have a normal conversation with the poor girl. If not, then she's just a cunt and there's nothing you can do to cure that.

 

[Tude]

On my commute, no one really talks to each other. I called this thread "captive audience" because our routine requires us to see each other. Most people I know regard public trans as necessary evil (that if could be avoided would). All this speaks to why people bury their heads in their phones, turn up their ipods, and/or have their face in a books, magazine, or newspaper. Its hard to break down the barriers that people intentionally put up.

Its not like a night club or internet dating site, or something like that where people are intentionally looking to meet other people.

Moreover, I guilty of all of this myself. More than half the time when I'm going to work or coming home I'm pissed off or thinking about the shitty day I had / I am going to have, or I'm thinking about all the stuff I need to get home to do.

Be the change you want to see. You don't have to accept that no one talks on your commute. I don't mean you should chat nonstop, but two or three sentences should be fine. "Whew, what a day!" or "Looks like it's gonna rain" are inane phrases that can lead to interesting conversions.

Just ask her for coffee. Even if she rejects you, you shouldn't change your schedule. Just don't ask her out again. Treat her the same as before you asked her out.

 

[nooneanymore]

This made me cringe so hard.

I'll stand by the note. I thought it was cute and I had a funny photo attached to it...

...its 10x better than online dating bullshit. online dating is f-ing nonsense. Those are the lazy, fearful, and uncreative people.

---

In any event, we talked for awhile today hopefully kicking off some fun future exchanges. I don't know if she got the note and didn't ask and no longer care at this point.

She's a cute one. ...has a phd from an ivy league school. ...is 7 or so years older than me. We talked about how bullshit, boring, and dumb work is. We both aren't originally from the city (but we both agree that living in the suburbs is dumb) and it looks like we're both lost in life and without much direction. She currently lives in part of town that I used to.

I'm just going to enjoy all this one exchange at a time.

 

[llama112]

Ask her for coffee one day. That's all.
You have talked to her before so just go for it!!!

 

[dopemaster]

Well you don't really have much to lose trying to get a date with a girl you meet on the bus or somewhere in public. The worse thing she can do is say no.

Honestly the more women you ask out the more dates you will get. If you don't try, that is sure-fire failure. I have asked women I met on the bus out with mixed results. One said no, but she was rather polite about it and the other few said yes. I was going to school at the time, so all the women I met were attending the same university, so we were same the same age and socioeconomic status roughly.

Chances are if a woman is broke enough to ride the bus, she might even date a lame who uses dating websites.

Maybe you don't pick up on cues women send your way. If you think a woman fancies you, she just might. You will never know unless you go and find out. Try making and small talk and remember that she may feel just as awkward and nervous as you. Also if one chick shoots you down, don't worry about it.

Do you see some of the women on a regular basis like when you are both riding to work or is it more like occasionally you see a woman who catches your eye?

 

[nooneanymore]

Do you see some of the women on a regular basis like when you are both riding to work or is it more like occasionally you see a woman who catches your eye?

She started working across the street about a year ago. I noticed her the first day as I've been working across the street 2 years prior. I wasn't interested in seeing anyone but lately I've been looking for jobs and I'd figure I should go for this woman before I leave my current job for another one. We see each other 2-3 times a week catching a bus going home.

In any event, I've established a connection with her. She seems to like me.

...my original post had less to do with notions of "having something to lose, or fear", I suppose I was looking for advice on the best "techniques" for approaching a stranger... like I said before, I believe the (every-day, work-routine) stranger pick-up is the "cold call" of the dating world. Its a harder one to do.

Anyway, I did approach through various techniques and she seems receptive and everything is good.

...now, I just have to negotiate the differences btw us. (and went you met people later in life there are always differences.)

She's a couple years older than me. She has a phd, etc...

I can't complain at this point.

Thanks for all of the positive feedback and thanks especially for all of the internet haters. lol. I kid, I kid.

 

[Animal Mother]

Not afraid of rejection. ...just trying to find the best way to deal with the "captive audience" situation.

I've had women friends who have worked in the service industries who complain (when they're off work) about men hitting on them and asking them out while they're on the job because they're forced to be nice and provide service.

The situation is similar.

Plus if I asked her out overtly and she did say no then I'd have to alter my schedule (b/c then it would be awkward b/c I tried to cross a line) which I'd like to avoid.

Really its just the intersection of internet dating culture blending into traditional dating culture making everything more complicated.

With internet dating culture people pretty much list almost everything (and its somewhat expected) about themselves up front. In the real world you really have nothing to work with other than a few passing "hellos" or whatever. I only make mention of this b/c although people are usually open about themselves (online at least) in the real world people are NOW more standoffish hence the smart phones, ipads, and books/magazines as walls people put up to block others out.

I think the everyday stranger pick up (outside of a bar, or other type of place / function -speed dating event for example-) is harder than most people think. Most people form relationships with people they grew up with or know through friends I suppose.

The everyday stranger pick up is the "cold call selling" of the dating world.

....almost everything you just said reinforces the fear of rejection theory.
Yes, women can be silly with when they want to be hit on and when they don't. I've met girls at all sorts of places that they were working. The only place I've ever had a problem picking up a girl is the gym. I imagine that there's several factors to that.

You seem pretty close minded, but hey, good luck with your bus stop girl.