I may a bit late to this thread, but I've been perusing this forum looking for threads because my BF is in a similar situation as you. As someone in a situation (perhaps) somewhat akin to your girlfriend's, I can tell you how it is for me.
I was raped at 15; it's how I lost my virginity. I've seen a therapist for a long time for anxiety & OCD, but all aspects of my earlier years, including the rape, are relevant & if you have questions about my personal issues/realizations/etc regarding it, feel free to ask. Naturally I can't speak for your GF but I am aware this is a thing people don't talk about much so I have no problem sharing what I can.
I love sex. I love sex with my BF. I have never had an orgasm during intercourse in my entire life. My BF insists that every girl he's been with came during intercourse, & I think those girls are a bunch of liars, because statistically only a third of women do. We have pretty hot sex - talking dirty, rough play, toys, rope. We watch porn together. I give the greatest head he's ever had. And yet still, he's all hung up on the fact that I'm not having orgasms.
One of the scars the rape left me with was an intimacy issue. 90% of my relationships were with guys I just found sexy but didn't like at all, then just ended up keeping them around thinking maybe I could fall in love. Some of the best sex I've had in my life have been with guys I absolutely despised. It's sad & I'm not proud of it. Internally I have such guilt & shame regarding sex that (it seems) I can only really "let myself go" under certain circumstances, & being in love with/caring about/wanting to please a man ends up being an impediment. Mind you, I still never had the intercourse O with any of these, either. But it was smoking good sex.
So anyway, I love this one. I would do anything for this one. Except the thing he wants, which is for me to orgasm with him.
The more he tries (& I can always tell when he's even thinking about it, just by the way he's looking at me), the worse it gets. I can't. When we first started, I had been abstinent for 2 years but was successfully using a vibrator. First there was his disappointment when I couldn't come during intercourse, then his insistence that I bring a vibrator to bed & use it during intercourse, then simply use it in his presence, lying next to him. The pressure & guilt (I felt like I was failing him) was too much. I couldn't come. I faked an orgasm just to get off the hook. It was the first time I'd ever faked in my life.
But I wanted to please him. I started abstaining from masturbating, thinking I could "save it up" for our next night together. No dice. More faking. My guilt built up. And then... I couldn't even bring myself to orgasm at home, alone.
It's been a year & a half now. I've recovered a little & can actually manage the occasional orgasm with a vibrator now & then, maybe because our relationship has been growing or maybe just due to plain old determination. I'm still impaired intimacy wise but I think I'm getting better. I still fake it sometimes, when I can tell it's not going to happen tonight.
So that's how it feels for me. I don't know if it's the same for her. If you were one of my guy friends asking for advice, this is what I would tell you:
1. Research female orgasm. Google it & read all the articles. Don't tell her you're doing it; just do it for your own edification. Understanding female orgasm (& how challenging it can be) may not only help you feel less obsessive about it, but also change your vibe so that you're less likely to communicate the wrong thing (expectation, pressure) to her.
2. Stop talking about it. If she brings it up, great. Otherwise, no.
3. A very true thing I read in some article is that female orgasm is about relaxation. IMO, male orgasm is just the opposite. So my BF's approach to trying to induce an orgasm with various foreplay methods are, to me, too fast, too hard, too frenetic. Just when I think "Ooh, I like what he's doing," he suddenly switches to something else. What I would really like is for him to just keep doing it. Continuously. Until I say to stop. I'd like him to just relax into it. So if your GF appears to be particularly enjoying what you're doing... keep doing it. Don't change, keep going, even if it's a little boring or monotonous for you.
4. Don't feel guilty for your own enjoyment. Enjoy sex with her & show it. If she's like me, she'll have an easier time relaxing if she thinks you are relaxed too, better yet if she thinks you are seeing stars because she is so damn good.
And... that's all I can think of right now. lol
