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Can't get her to orgasm

RAZEONE

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 3, 2013
Messages
23
Location
Sunny England
So I've been with my GF for about 8 months and we can't get her to orgasm. It's not something she likes to talk about. Basically she was raped about 2-3 years ago and since then she hasn't been unable to get it done (this is what she tells me anyway). I've even got her a rampant rabbit which sends her wild but still won't push her over the edge so she can climax, it's like there is a mental block there. She doesn't ever masturbate and I've told her that practising on herself is probably the best way to get over this but I think talking about it just makes her uncomfortable and I think she is trying to convince herself that it's not a problem. Obviously the inability to orgasm while having sex with your partner is going to become a problem at some point in the relationship..

Apart from this we currently have a perfect relationship, we have lived together for the whole time we've been together and there are no signs we are going to be breaking up. I'd just like to be able to fully please her cos it makes me feel sort of guilty that I still have sex with her even tho I'm getting most of the fun..

Just looking for any advice really :/
 
is she open to talking to a psychologist? has she already? i think she has drawn a strong connection to sexual experience and fear which would be best overcome by a professional who can deal with something like that
 
is she open to talking to a psychologist? has she already? i think she has drawn a strong connection to sexual experience and fear which would be best overcome by a professional who can deal with something like that

No she hasn't yet, I could suggest it but I doubt she will take the advice.

The strange thing is she does get aroused and I can get her soaking, she seems completely comfortable with me sexually at the time. She is really sensitive physically and she will be squirming away and fighting me off within minutes of clit rubbing. Maybe I should tie her up.
 
i guess dont force her to orgasm though, she has to be ok with being tied up
 
i guess dont force her to orgasm though, she has to be ok with being tied up

Yes of course lol. She would probably be open to the idea but do you think it could work. It might end up being quite distressing I guess. I just feel if she can let go enough once and have one orgasm the problem may just go away.
 
i dont think you can make her learn to let go by tying her up tbh, she has to want to let go her self, and then teach herself to let go in baby steps with her own determination

i have a hunch that if she is helped to learn how to let go mentally (therapist comes in here), then letting go physically would be easier, especially because of the traumatic experience in her past
 
Is she happy with the sex you have now? If she is happy (without Orgasm) do not stress too much on the subject - she will get there when she is ready. If you read a few of the threads about reaching orgasm (for women) not having an orgasm with your partner isn't a deal breaker and does not have to become a problem unless either one of you makes it into one.

As already mentioned above seeing a therapist could help her get over the mental barrier of letting go.
 
Yes of course lol. She would probably be open to the idea but do you think it could work. It might end up being quite distressing I guess. I just feel if she can let go enough once and have one orgasm the problem may just go away.

That's probably the worst idea in the world for someone who was raped. Even if she said she was ok with it I think that would cause even more harm than good and potentially open up a whole new can of worms for both of you... Like her associating getting off with more and more degrading methods. I think bdsm is fine if it's of course consensual and both people don't have any major psychological issues, but I don't see it leading anywhere good in this case.
 
in my personal experience lsd,it help me remind clearly even very old event,re live it,re experince it,re analyse it,face it and accept it.I had one big trauma too and it helped me,i face it,no more hiding,very liberating mentaly,i am at peace with that event,shit happens we are just mistake making
 
i think that if you stop focusing on it then its more likely to happen because if someone wants you to cum it can make it so difficult and i'm speaking as a non-raped man i.e. it should be easy for me to cum

the thing is that if someone puts a focus on you doing something it makes it a pressure and when you cannot relax its hard to cum (example for me being if i am fucking someone and then it makes me need a really big fart but i'm holding it in- then i cannot come, no chance)
 
Yeah, it's one of those things that happens on it's own. I had a similar problem with my very first gf; she was sexually abused at a young age, and sex was a big source of anxiety for her. We had a decent sexual relationship, like she'd get wet and everything, but during penetration she said it hurt inside, and was so freaked out by the pain, that we'd have to stop partway through. The only times I could bring her to orgasm was if she was inebriated off alcohol, cocaine, ecstasy, etc -it was very enjoyable for both of us, but if she was stone cold sober, the sex was a bit of a nightmare tbh
 
Id stop talking about it for a while. She may not express it but maybe the added pressure of you expecting it from her is holding her back a little bit? I would just do my best to try and push her to climax without making it the main focus too much... As in just enjoy the act, make the effort and if it happens it happens. Bonne chance :)
 
That's the best advice there; don't let it become an issue, and just enjoy the ride. Issues turn into pressure, pressure turns into a mindfuck for both parties. I think the amount of women who reach climax through penetration alone is actually relatively small (can't remember the percentage off the top of my head), so it's a more common problem than you may think.
 
Id stop talking about it for a while. She may not express it but maybe the added pressure of you expecting it from her is holding her back a little bit? I would just do my best to try and push her to climax without making it the main focus too much... As in just enjoy the act, make the effort and if it happens it happens. Bonne chance :)

This is kind of what I've been doing since posting this thread. We've been having some really sexy passionate sessions and just cuddling after. Sometimes I would feel a bit bad after cumming for some reason but I realise this is a stupid thing to do and it's only going to put more pressure on her if she notices. I've realised that even though this problem exists we still connect sexually and it's not like she doesn't want to have sex.
 
I may a bit late to this thread, but I've been perusing this forum looking for threads because my BF is in a similar situation as you. As someone in a situation (perhaps) somewhat akin to your girlfriend's, I can tell you how it is for me.

I was raped at 15; it's how I lost my virginity. I've seen a therapist for a long time for anxiety & OCD, but all aspects of my earlier years, including the rape, are relevant & if you have questions about my personal issues/realizations/etc regarding it, feel free to ask. Naturally I can't speak for your GF but I am aware this is a thing people don't talk about much so I have no problem sharing what I can.

I love sex. I love sex with my BF. I have never had an orgasm during intercourse in my entire life. My BF insists that every girl he's been with came during intercourse, & I think those girls are a bunch of liars, because statistically only a third of women do. We have pretty hot sex - talking dirty, rough play, toys, rope. We watch porn together. I give the greatest head he's ever had. And yet still, he's all hung up on the fact that I'm not having orgasms.

One of the scars the rape left me with was an intimacy issue. 90% of my relationships were with guys I just found sexy but didn't like at all, then just ended up keeping them around thinking maybe I could fall in love. Some of the best sex I've had in my life have been with guys I absolutely despised. It's sad & I'm not proud of it. Internally I have such guilt & shame regarding sex that (it seems) I can only really "let myself go" under certain circumstances, & being in love with/caring about/wanting to please a man ends up being an impediment. Mind you, I still never had the intercourse O with any of these, either. But it was smoking good sex.

So anyway, I love this one. I would do anything for this one. Except the thing he wants, which is for me to orgasm with him.

The more he tries (& I can always tell when he's even thinking about it, just by the way he's looking at me), the worse it gets. I can't. When we first started, I had been abstinent for 2 years but was successfully using a vibrator. First there was his disappointment when I couldn't come during intercourse, then his insistence that I bring a vibrator to bed & use it during intercourse, then simply use it in his presence, lying next to him. The pressure & guilt (I felt like I was failing him) was too much. I couldn't come. I faked an orgasm just to get off the hook. It was the first time I'd ever faked in my life.

But I wanted to please him. I started abstaining from masturbating, thinking I could "save it up" for our next night together. No dice. More faking. My guilt built up. And then... I couldn't even bring myself to orgasm at home, alone.

It's been a year & a half now. I've recovered a little & can actually manage the occasional orgasm with a vibrator now & then, maybe because our relationship has been growing or maybe just due to plain old determination. I'm still impaired intimacy wise but I think I'm getting better. I still fake it sometimes, when I can tell it's not going to happen tonight.

So that's how it feels for me. I don't know if it's the same for her. If you were one of my guy friends asking for advice, this is what I would tell you:

1. Research female orgasm. Google it & read all the articles. Don't tell her you're doing it; just do it for your own edification. Understanding female orgasm (& how challenging it can be) may not only help you feel less obsessive about it, but also change your vibe so that you're less likely to communicate the wrong thing (expectation, pressure) to her.

2. Stop talking about it. If she brings it up, great. Otherwise, no.

3. A very true thing I read in some article is that female orgasm is about relaxation. IMO, male orgasm is just the opposite. So my BF's approach to trying to induce an orgasm with various foreplay methods are, to me, too fast, too hard, too frenetic. Just when I think "Ooh, I like what he's doing," he suddenly switches to something else. What I would really like is for him to just keep doing it. Continuously. Until I say to stop. I'd like him to just relax into it. So if your GF appears to be particularly enjoying what you're doing... keep doing it. Don't change, keep going, even if it's a little boring or monotonous for you.

4. Don't feel guilty for your own enjoyment. Enjoy sex with her & show it. If she's like me, she'll have an easier time relaxing if she thinks you are relaxed too, better yet if she thinks you are seeing stars because she is so damn good.

And... that's all I can think of right now. lol
 
This seems to be a psycho-sexual problem. I had a gf who had been sexually abused by her grandfather and as she became pubescent she also tended to be nymphomaniacal but could never get an orgasm through normal penetrative vaginal sex. She needed constant and intense clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm and this could be immediately pre-penetration or during. She had no problems achieving an orgasm through masturbation with or without a vibrator - but it was better with one.
 
Female orgasm is really mental. So if she has a block from her past it won't happen. Honestly if she stops thinking about it the orgasm very well may just happen.
 
I wrote a poem about this

Oh no it didn't work
she didn't like to twerk
u type like a clerk
going over the edge would be a perk

u mentioned something about rabbits
she doesn't have a consitent bean.flicking habit
She was open minded but her subconcious ddidnt grab it
it is something other people gave a tidbit

of knoweledge to debate
rape isn't great
together her mind will clattter
with not words but just vaginal chatter

You could try using drugs
also many carefully timed hugs
don't ever be around thugs
perhaps a beer or two with equally displaced chugs

sex. words. verbs. nouns
she soon gets off..boom. Slap pound.
 
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