Bumstricken

[hoopyfrood]

... I don't know whether I want to call this one Bumstricken or Broken Mirror of Innocence. I can't decide. they're both pretty blunt.



Picking broken pieces,
Noodle gone awry.
Pricking yourself apart
leave your brain to fry.

pulling the shiny shards,
it's all a puzzle,
place a new particle.
blanket wants to nuzzle.

clutch that fabric,
it's all you have.
clutch that blanket,
you are going mad.

Can't piece it together,
mirrors everywhere.
Cut myself on the glass,
now i'm far too scared.

lost in naivete,
look at me panic.
lost in my infancy,
he could be manic

I could not shed a tear,
everything was new.
mirror of innocence,
all I have is glue.

 

[hyp]

I don't really like either of those names. Bumstricken sounds...ummm...'ugly' for lack of a better word, and the other sounds like a Warcraft item.

I think the lyrics need a little more work. Really think about what you're trying to say and just say it. Don't worry about if it rhymes or not. Just make sure you're making your point.

 

[hoopyfrood]

hmm... I suppose you're right about the rhyming thing. I was trying fairly hard to make sure the syllables were in a pattern, too.

I'm not sure I want to change it, it's more of a poem for me. thanks for the advice though!