I feel stupid asking for advice to a relationship problem on a public forum but, honestly, I am at my wit's end and don't know what else to do, so here goes...
My boyfriend (let's call him P) and I (I'm a girl) met 18 months ago. He had just gotten out of a long distance relationship of 5 years, so wasn't in the place to get straight into another relationship. So for six months we dated, hung out, had sex and just got on great. During that time, I asked him once to not kiss/sleep with other people and he said he wasn't ready for that yet. So, being a fairly understanding person, I said ok. After that six months, I finally told him I needed to either be going out properly or call it quits, so he asked me to be his girlfriend. So now we're officially going out (and not seeing anyone else) for the past year.
Everything's been going fine - we've had ups and downs - but overall we were happy. Until, two weeks before Christmas, I found out something that he didn't want me to know. Just a tiny bit of backround: he runs a company with two friends of his, D (a guy) and J (a girl). J moved to our city about 8 months ago, a few months after P and I started going out properly. They knew each other for a while before that though, and were close enough friends. Even before she moved here I would see texts from her come up on his phone all the time, and since she's moved here she's been hanging around him a lot and they talk pretty much every day. I never really liked her, mainly because she flirts with him in front of me and takes all his attention and basically hangs off the boy. Being a normal, non-suspicious person, I just assumed she was an annoying girl and that my problem with her was ridiculous and I should try harder to like her, seeing as she is my boyfriend's friend. But I always had this niggling (...or more blinding) feeling that how she acts with him is just not right.
Cut to this party. The other guy in the company that I mentioned, D, drunkenly started talking to me. I asked how's work and he says, 'Oh you know the company isn't going to last'. I asked why, and he goes, 'J is in love with P'. Immediately my stomach just lurched but suddenly it all made sense. Unfortunately, D went on to tell me that P and J had slept together a month or two before we started seeing each other. P was, at this stage, gone to bed, seeing as it was bout 6am.
I went upstairs and confronted him about it. I asked him if he had ever slept with her and he wouldn't answer me for ages and then he finally admitted it. I asked him when it happened (thinking that I knew), and he said one month before we got together properly. So that was five months into us actually starting to see each other. He admitted he knew that she has feelings for him (which he has since taken back, but I don't believe that). We ended up having a huge talk, which basically lasted a whole two days. We agreed to not tell anyone anything for the time being and try to deal with it all ourselves, like a little team, us against the world.
A week later. I find out he's told one of his housemates, but D told me (again, not P). I have told noone, like I promised. At a party, he falls asleep and I read texts from J. I know I absolutely shouldn't have done this, this is by far the worst thing I have ever done in our relationship. In the texts I can see that he has told J, that very day, about the whole thing. I have deleted J off my facebook and she tells him in a text and he makes little of it. He says I love you. That's the last straw for me. I wake him up, tell him I read the messages and that we're through. We have a big fight, he tells me that he says I love you to all his friends (which, in fairness, is true) but still. After feeling betrayed already, that makes it worse. I ask him if he's told anyone else, now that there's two people who know. He says no. I push it. He still says no. Later, I push it again. He admits he's told another of his housemates.
Here's the kicker. I am a relatively understanding, rational person. I can accept that he slept with people during that first six months. I don't like it, but I can accept it. After all, I did agree that that would be ok. What gets me is that J has been hanging around all this time, very obviously flirting with him (and all that time I thought I was imagining it, and was some crazy jealous girlfriend) and they talk every day, and all this time I have not known. Nobody thought to tell me that this girl that hangs off my boyfriend has fucked him, on at least two occasions, one of which I was also sleeping with him. He lied to me three times about telling people about our issue. And the very worst part is....she's still hanging around. They still talk pretty much every day. They still have to work together. They still go for pints together (not alone, as far as I know, but still). They are still socializing together.
I have never once asked him to sever his friendship with her, nor would I. Similarly, I can't ask him to fire her. That's not reasonable. But it hurts so much to know that he's in daily contact with her. And that, if he had to choose, he would choose that friendship and working relationship over me. Maybe he has to, I understand that. But it hurts. And I'm afraid that if/when we break up, they'll be together straight away again. If he cheated on me with someone once, and then never saw them again, I could get over that, I really could. It would be hard, but possible. It's the fact that she's everpresent in our lives that kills me. And she will continue to be, because he won't choose to have it another way.
It's only been a month since I found out, but the hurt for me is not yet fading. I am finding it hard to trust him because of all the lies. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him because, despite this, he's a wonderful person, and is truly sorry for hurting me. But I don't know what to do so that I can accept that she's going to always be there. I want to deal with it, I want to accept it. I want to do these things so that my otherwise wonderful relationship doesn't suffer. But we are hanging on by a thread now, because of this. That's why I'm asking for help. I need an objective opinion and some real advice. Please help me. And thank you so much if you have read all the way to the end of this
My boyfriend (let's call him P) and I (I'm a girl) met 18 months ago. He had just gotten out of a long distance relationship of 5 years, so wasn't in the place to get straight into another relationship. So for six months we dated, hung out, had sex and just got on great. During that time, I asked him once to not kiss/sleep with other people and he said he wasn't ready for that yet. So, being a fairly understanding person, I said ok. After that six months, I finally told him I needed to either be going out properly or call it quits, so he asked me to be his girlfriend. So now we're officially going out (and not seeing anyone else) for the past year.
Everything's been going fine - we've had ups and downs - but overall we were happy. Until, two weeks before Christmas, I found out something that he didn't want me to know. Just a tiny bit of backround: he runs a company with two friends of his, D (a guy) and J (a girl). J moved to our city about 8 months ago, a few months after P and I started going out properly. They knew each other for a while before that though, and were close enough friends. Even before she moved here I would see texts from her come up on his phone all the time, and since she's moved here she's been hanging around him a lot and they talk pretty much every day. I never really liked her, mainly because she flirts with him in front of me and takes all his attention and basically hangs off the boy. Being a normal, non-suspicious person, I just assumed she was an annoying girl and that my problem with her was ridiculous and I should try harder to like her, seeing as she is my boyfriend's friend. But I always had this niggling (...or more blinding) feeling that how she acts with him is just not right.
Cut to this party. The other guy in the company that I mentioned, D, drunkenly started talking to me. I asked how's work and he says, 'Oh you know the company isn't going to last'. I asked why, and he goes, 'J is in love with P'. Immediately my stomach just lurched but suddenly it all made sense. Unfortunately, D went on to tell me that P and J had slept together a month or two before we started seeing each other. P was, at this stage, gone to bed, seeing as it was bout 6am.
I went upstairs and confronted him about it. I asked him if he had ever slept with her and he wouldn't answer me for ages and then he finally admitted it. I asked him when it happened (thinking that I knew), and he said one month before we got together properly. So that was five months into us actually starting to see each other. He admitted he knew that she has feelings for him (which he has since taken back, but I don't believe that). We ended up having a huge talk, which basically lasted a whole two days. We agreed to not tell anyone anything for the time being and try to deal with it all ourselves, like a little team, us against the world.
A week later. I find out he's told one of his housemates, but D told me (again, not P). I have told noone, like I promised. At a party, he falls asleep and I read texts from J. I know I absolutely shouldn't have done this, this is by far the worst thing I have ever done in our relationship. In the texts I can see that he has told J, that very day, about the whole thing. I have deleted J off my facebook and she tells him in a text and he makes little of it. He says I love you. That's the last straw for me. I wake him up, tell him I read the messages and that we're through. We have a big fight, he tells me that he says I love you to all his friends (which, in fairness, is true) but still. After feeling betrayed already, that makes it worse. I ask him if he's told anyone else, now that there's two people who know. He says no. I push it. He still says no. Later, I push it again. He admits he's told another of his housemates.
Here's the kicker. I am a relatively understanding, rational person. I can accept that he slept with people during that first six months. I don't like it, but I can accept it. After all, I did agree that that would be ok. What gets me is that J has been hanging around all this time, very obviously flirting with him (and all that time I thought I was imagining it, and was some crazy jealous girlfriend) and they talk every day, and all this time I have not known. Nobody thought to tell me that this girl that hangs off my boyfriend has fucked him, on at least two occasions, one of which I was also sleeping with him. He lied to me three times about telling people about our issue. And the very worst part is....she's still hanging around. They still talk pretty much every day. They still have to work together. They still go for pints together (not alone, as far as I know, but still). They are still socializing together.
I have never once asked him to sever his friendship with her, nor would I. Similarly, I can't ask him to fire her. That's not reasonable. But it hurts so much to know that he's in daily contact with her. And that, if he had to choose, he would choose that friendship and working relationship over me. Maybe he has to, I understand that. But it hurts. And I'm afraid that if/when we break up, they'll be together straight away again. If he cheated on me with someone once, and then never saw them again, I could get over that, I really could. It would be hard, but possible. It's the fact that she's everpresent in our lives that kills me. And she will continue to be, because he won't choose to have it another way.
It's only been a month since I found out, but the hurt for me is not yet fading. I am finding it hard to trust him because of all the lies. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him because, despite this, he's a wonderful person, and is truly sorry for hurting me. But I don't know what to do so that I can accept that she's going to always be there. I want to deal with it, I want to accept it. I want to do these things so that my otherwise wonderful relationship doesn't suffer. But we are hanging on by a thread now, because of this. That's why I'm asking for help. I need an objective opinion and some real advice. Please help me. And thank you so much if you have read all the way to the end of this
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
All I can say from what I've read is that you come across as a lovely person who deserves miles better. As hard as it will seem to do get rid. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve much much better. Relationships are based on trust and I don't think you can trust this person. Believe me it will be his loss. Stay strong and i wish you all the very best but try move on coz as long as they're together it will only spell trouble for you and rip you apart 
