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Bluelight Singles thread "Living without justification" Part 2

i think you've all put it very well. as always addikal (and the rest of you ;))has had some great things to add.

that said (i use that phrase way too often :p), i am entirely aware of my lack of self-esteem. it's an up-and-down thing, but something i don't think i will ever entirely overcome (yes, that's a defeatest and self-enforcing attitude i realise, but it feels somewhat ingrained). and i *do* realise that i need to love myself and all that kind of thing, but it's easier said than done. i just really don't like me all that much, so it's not a simple thing to overcome.

anyway, i didn't/don't want this to become a thread for my own whinge-fest, as this discussion can (and has been) taking some really interesting turns.

ozbreaker: you're right, i think. expectations so often seem like the be-all and end-all of a potential relationship, but it's more often than not that your expectations are actually entirely out of wack when you find that special person.

although a general preconceived notion of the kind of person you're attracted to isn't a really bad thing imo, it's very very rare that that kind of person will come along. our emotions are strange things, and stupid humans have a habit of falling in love with all the wrong people.

i'm still not sure about being able to grow into a passionate relationship though. actually, let me rephrase: i agree that it is entirely possible (so many people have done it), but it's not worth looking for, for me. like i've said, i'm comfortable being single most of the time (as much as i do crave that *someone* or *something*), and thus i'm no longer *looking*. if i find it, great, but i'm not going to fall into a convenient relationship and attempt to find the passion. i've had enough of the passion finding me lately, and that has been just fine :)

really interesting posts, guys.
 
You seem a little more composed which is good 1234 and i know a self esteem reworking ain't easy but it really is worth the effort. PM me if you want me to point you in the direction of some material that i think will help your perspective on alot of things.

As far as expectations go, i think we all tend to have some idea of what we like in a person but often the person we fall for don't fit this profile. So why is this? Why are we often hugely attracted to people that we know aren't good for us? Why will people knowingly stay in relationships which are doing them no good? The answer to this is that we don't have control over who we are attracted to. Have you ever felt really attracted to someone and you really don't know why? They're so not your type but there's just something about them that makes them attractive.

Something that few people realise is that attraction is a psychological process which works along a series of basic principles. This is not just male/female attraction but attraction to something in general. Some of the fundamentals are we want what we can't have and we like more what we have to work for. Most people know this but often let their emotions take hold and they end up acting in a way that will drive away someone they are interested in. It's an interesting paradox that the more you like someone, the more you will behave in a way that will push them away. Because if they KNOW you like them and they know they can get you, the challenge is over and boredom sets in.

So, taking this into account, it's helpful to realise that attraction is based on your behaviour, not just 'who you are'. In relation to the whole 'nice guy' thing, i'm sure girls would LOVE to be with those guys if they could actually cause the girls to feel sexually attracted to them. Now, very often these guys are pretty good looking, they're thoughtful, caring etc etc but they just lack the type of behaviour that is going to spark an attraction. I believe that girls who have the nice guy friend genuinely wish they were attracted to him because he's a great guy and would make a good partner... but we can't invent attraction. It comes down to the way we behave, not the way we are. And luckily, we can change our behaviour.

To put it in perspective i think we are all naturally programmed with extremely efficient methods of attraction, it's wired into us biologically. However through several hundreds of years our culture has established belief systems which continue to distort and distance our connection with these elements of attraction. Looking at it biologically, humans are just another species with the in built purpose to continue its species. Males need to spread their seed in as many females as possible to continue their genes whereas females need the male to stay and raise the offspring, this is just nature. What's interesting is how society has developed to form a compromise of these two completely opposite but equally important roles in attraction/reproduction.

Sorry to get on a bit of an analytical tip but i think when you strip away all of the bullshit and get down to the core elements, it helps you become aware of whats really going on.

Adikkal
 
Self esteem is the fucking key.

And I think the more you talk about your lack of self esteem, the more you entrench it.

I know the people who talk about their lack of esteem and confidence all the time seem to me to be the ones who are furthest away from finding it.

Even if you're the most self doubting person in the world, my recommendation is zip up and pretend as best you can that you're brimming with confidence. You need to turn it around sometime and I've found in the past that confidence (even if it is falsely portrayed) breeds more (real) confidence.

It's not that I think people are whingers or that I don't care, but nothing constructive ever comes from excessively sharing or over analysing these things. I guess people are trapped in this vicous cycle of not having confidence until someone shows interest in them, but not having anyone show interest in them until they show confidence...

Well the cycle can only be broken by a decision, a single trigger that can be only executed by YOU.
 
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Macksta said:
Even if you're the most self doubting person in the world, my recommendation is zip up and pretend as best you can that you're brimming with confidence. You need to turn it around sometime and I've found in the past that confidence (even if it is falsely portrayed) breeds more (real) confidence.
Click to expand...

So true..

How is it one day you can be walking around feeling the top of the world and thinking you're all good, and then 10 hours later just because you've decided you're fat or dressed like a goon (steady on bl alco's - not THAT sort of goon! ;)) you walk around trying to avoid people all day and feeling like shit. What's changed? Nothing - only your attitude.

I used to have massive issues with this and my best mate once got me to try this out: He told me to go into a record shop, grab a cd and go up to the front counter and ask a girl behind the counter what she thought of it in a very unconfident voice.. and then try the same some other time confidently and gague the reactions both times. The difference was phenomenal.

I'll admit here that one of the tools that helped most get me out of this was that Tony Robbins program that friend lent me. Within 2 weeks i went from having the attitude i was a worthless loser not good enough for anyone to having managed to be in the frame of mind that i managed to start going out with a smart & cute girl that only 2 weeks before I wouldn't have even considered myself as a contender! Nothing had changed physically, so it was all in the attitude! :)

I still have my dodgy days but i guess everyone does...*shrug*

Typing this now reminds me of a few conversations that i had after school finished with some of the people that I considered to be the confidence gods at school.. It was weird - they all had exactly the same issues/fears etc as i did.. and i remember one of them summed up the difference between us in "Yeah i have all those issues too, but I'm just better at hiding it and that's the difference"... and it was true. </end rant>
 
I've been working in the city latley and there are soooooo many hotties around!

One day i will master the 'sober' approach tactic... Hopefully

;)
 
sorry guy
i shoudl not be let near when i suffering form sleep dep i make randome posts that i look at the next mornign and go what the
(previus post fixed so not to offend)
 
so true macksta and ozbreaker.. confidence is the key. When you have it, you can do anything, but when you're feeling shit then you can't do shit.
Easy ways i've found to feel better is to get fit, and always look your best when you go out. By working out and doing some sort of fitness activity you just FEEL alot better in general and this radiates to every other area of life. If you can look in the mirror and think "i look good" then you're on the way ;)

And just in general when going out, it's worth dressing well and being well groomed. Not so much for others but just so you feel alot more confident in yourself.... anyway, i've posted way to much in this thread in the past 2 days .

Adikkal
 
turned around a breakup tonight.

1.5 hours of accusations, blame and sniping.

I don't know if I can follow this "boyfriend" script but I am going to try.

my jealousy to all you single folk. The amount of heart wrenching and emotion tugging bullshit that happens in relationships can really complicate life.

Now I am stuck - stupid feelings. If only I was a cyborg.
 
I believe that saying you've got low esteem and/or shyness is just the easy way out. I mean, that way you're never going to get hurt. Not that you shouldn't be able to be this way because if everyone was super confident that could also get real annoying. I used that excuse for years and yeah, I stayed perfectly safe - granted it wasn't very exciting.
Now I just play the aloof card. Not so constructive either, I know.
 
Shnouzerpuff said:
turned around a breakup tonight.

1.5 hours of accusations, blame and sniping.

I don't know if I can follow this "boyfriend" script but I am going to try.

my jealousy to all you single folk. The amount of heart wrenching and emotion tugging bullshit that happens in relationships can really complicate life.

Now I am stuck - stupid feelings. If only I was a cyborg.
Click to expand...

What the fuck does any of that mean !?!?!
 
Sounds like Shnouzerpuff is in a relationship that totally isn't pleasant to be in yet they can't walk away from it. What part don't you understand?. 1 1/2 hours of fighting of being accussed of stuff by their partner.

I'd say LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP if there is anywhere near bad feelings as good. Being someones partner should be mostly ( if not 100% ) of good feelings for each other
 
Ok thanks for that wazza, i thought it might be, but I wasnt sure.


The worst thing in the world is not being able to walk away from someone you know you love, but also hate.

Life is weird and painful
 
From my end anal sex has always been different and pleasurable... maybe I need to try it the other way round.













NOT LIKELY.
 
well yeaher... i seriously dont mind being single most of the time but i would be lying if i said that there were never times when i long for something special to come along.

like a lot of people have said work on self esteem is really important (and it can be worked on) because the more you love yourself the happier you will become and hence be more likely to find that special someone.

as for the whole settling for someone that you dont feel that certain passion for.... well, recently i once again met someone who i liked but i didn't feel anything more that just slight like for.... i kinda just knew that the boy wasn't right for me (you know that feeling where you cant say that it's *bad* exactly but its just isn't it all the same?). so anyway i made up my mind last week to bail on the situation and i'm absolutely certain that i made the right decision. finally my minds caught up with my heart on this particular issue and MAN does it feel good.

for me being with someone who's just interesting enough to fill the void is pointless. there's probably a thousands metaphors that you could use for what i'm trying to say here and the best one that comes to mind atm is this: your starving and crave a particular food which you dont currently have accessibility to (making it yourself will take a very long time and driving to go buy it isn't even an option) .... so after a moment of thought you decide that the best thing for you would be to just try and fill up on whatever's quickest to conjure up in the kitchen.... it works, you're full, BUT..... the craving you once had still lurks, unfulfilled, and in the end despite your best efforts all you feel is empty.

hee hee, anyway that was pretty stupid, but you all get what i'm trying to say.... firstly if you have patience, have courage (apply the effort!!!!!!!!), reaching eventual happiness is a given, and also when you know what you want no amount of bullshit will ever be able to truly compensate. that's just my opinion though, many people might differ with me.

oh, and to 1234 id also probably add that i get the distinctest feeling that you should open your eyes a lil bit more.... you seem a sweet guy. :)
 
you seem to be thinking in the right direction drEaMtiMe*@#
:D Good stuff.

I agree with what you are saying, theres no point settling for somebody you don't really like that much. I've been out with too many guys who I liked as people but we just didn't have that special connection. Thats why now I'm waiting and taking my time choosing the right person. It's funny how once my frame of mind changed like this I felt so much more confident.
 
yeah your right, you just sort of feel calmer and more comfortable. although i still wouldn't say that i'm as confident as id like to be but sorting this sort of shit out definitely does help. :)
 
Know what? I've had just about enough searching, I give up. Enough whinging, girl chasing, meatmarketing and all that other crap. If anyone wants me, they will know where to find me - at raves smacked out in the corner doing homework.
 
after my extended holiday in the world of relationships I can say with near certainty I will be back here shortly.

Get out the welcome home banners and prep em ready.
 
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