Bluelight dads - I'd love to hear your experiences

[drugfukkdrockstar]

Hmmm, the man she madly loves is leaving her for a year or two to amuse himself, and she just HAPPENS to get pregnant now?

*cough*

I know, it's a bit ironic.

 

[anna!]

Oh man, you completely underestimate how a parent feels about a child. A good one, anyway. There's no way known that it would ever, ever, ever become a means to manipulate someone. EVER! How naive, ridiculous and completely vile.

Edit: to clarify, I mean a good parent, not a good child!

 

[zephyr]

Congrats anna! , I know you want to hear from guys to get some input on how your particular boy is feeling but as demonstrated by the varied responses, some men are fucking childish (girls too)

My boyfriend has a 3.5 year old daughter, who he adores- but its the bad blood between himself and the child's mother, and how he does not want anything to do with her thats the problem in his case.

I think everyone reacts differently to news they aren't expecting, and don't think he will stay in this frame of mind.

Try to not get upset about it, but in your shoes, I think it would be really hard to not let this affect you or how you see your boyfriend.

Just give him a bit of space and time, and hopefully he will see the good side.

Hes going to be a DAD!

I honestly think the moment he meets his child he will kinda realise hes being a bit of a dick.

Chin up, its great news.

Besides, if he doesn't want to have the child, its him who misses out in the end.

Ugh to some of the responses here.

 

[joannie_mhm]

again, female here with no kids so i'm not able to answer from the perspective that you asked for, but i echo zephyr's sentiments.

anna!, you say you don't want another abortion, and that you think you'd prefer to raise the child on your own rather than give it up for adoption.

as much as i know logic often doesn't help in matters like these, i think it makes sense for you to have the baby and let him know you're happy to raise it on your own if it comes to that.

it's like the old 'if you love something set it free' concept. he may stay and love it. he may go and come back and love it. you may never hear from him again. but no matter what you have this baby that you'll love like you love your others.

 

[64tf]

Seems like the folks in this thread have strayed from what anna! orginally asked. Sometimes I miss having the power to edit.

People, anna! does not want to get an abortion! Did you not get that from her first post?

If you want to debate abortion take it to CE&P and dig up one of the many thread on that topic there. This thread needs input from folks about becoming a parent.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

It seems you've already made up your mind.

Just don't sue him for child support or something if he doesn't want to have it in the first place, that would be really unfair. I say if you want to do it, do it 100% on your own. I don't think it's fair that women get an "opt out" choice and men are just stuck with whatever the women choose. Men should get to opt out too if they want, thats just my opinion.

Reading this thread scares me. Unplanned pregnancy scary! AHhh! *hides*

 

[The Is]

My dad's story:

He was always traveling all over the world and didn't want to be tied down with me (first child) and didn't want me in general, but the day I was born was 'the happiest day of his life' so it has a way of working out... sometimes.

If you're druggies, maybe explain to him that seeing his newborn will be like the strongest drugs EVER?

 

[anna!]

It seems you've already made up your mind.

I haven't, by any stretch.

Just don't sue him for child support or something if he doesn't want to have it in the first place, that would be really unfair. I say if you want to do it, do it 100% on your own. I don't think it's fair that women get an "opt out" choice and men are just stuck with whatever the women choose. Men should get to opt out too if they want, thats just my opinion.

Why would anyone assume I'd do that? If I have an abortion, is he going to sit around for the rest of his life and feel grief about what might have been? Unlikely. I suffer through that one alone.

The thing that I didn't consider or realise until I actually had an abortion was that no one else has to make the decision. As the woman in the situation, you weigh up what everyone has to say, but ultimately everyone else doesn't have to live with "their decision", because they don't have to make it. They give their point of view; hell, they threaten and guilt trip, but at the end of the day it's always the woman's decision, and she's the one who has to live with that. The man can always say "Hey, I know you're sad, but you made the final decision." No one can make that decision on your behalf, so you're the one that has to bear it.

I know I'm not articulating that very well, but I hope the gist is apparent.

There's no "fair" or "right" solution when both parties differ on where they stand, and again, this is not about my decision to manipulate him or ruin his life.

 

[quiet roar]

Very well articulated, anna!


The only advice I can give your fella is to be honest with himself, and with you.

The best advice I can give you is, in future, only have sex with men who have had a vasectomy (I'll pm you my number if you're struggling to find anyone )


Good luck!

 

[Doppelganger]

There's no "fair" or "right" solution when both parties differ on where they stand, and again, this is not about my decision to manipulate him or ruin his life.

I agree. When two people differ in opinions, someone's probably going to end up unhappy about the situation. Having attended a young parenting group up until my daughter was 18 months, I know that there's a lot of women out there who have previously had an abortion and regretted it quite severely, because they put their partner's feelings above their own. You better believe it fellas... it's true, sometimes, probably more than you're aware, women WILL put your opinion first, and suffer the consequences alone.

So yeah, at the end of the day I believe it's the woman's choice, because it just simply has to be someone's choice, and there is no fair answer when both parties are in disagreement.

That said, when entering a new relationship, I think it's important that you're on the same wavelength with your partner about these things. I've had a child, and am now on implanon, and would definitely be leaning more towards having an abortion if I were to fall pregnant. That's not to say that I never ever want to make babies with my boyfriend (I may later down the track), but we've both got several stages in our relationship and careers we need to experience before we even start considering a baby.

I have learned from my past that I don't regret my decisions, but I still want to do things differently next time. I want to be more prepared and set up in life .

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

The thing that I didn't consider or realise until I actually had an abortion was that no one else has to make the decision. As the woman in the situation, you weigh up what everyone has to say, but ultimately everyone else doesn't have to live with "their decision", because they don't have to make it. They give their point of view; hell, they threaten and guilt trip, but at the end of the day it's always the woman's decision, and she's the one who has to live with that. The man can always say "Hey, I know you're sad, but you made the final decision." No one can make that decision on your behalf, so you're the one that has to bear it.

Yep. Having had an abortion, I hear that for sure. I didn't even tell the father at the time. He wasn't my boyfriend, just a one night stand and I didn't really care for his input. I had a feeling he would have wanted me to keep it and it would have been a battle.

It took me a long time to come to my decision. I say just sit quietly with yourself and do a lot of thinking, and after a certain point you will just know what to do.

 

[Mariposa]

Why would anyone assume I'd do that? If I have an abortion, is he going to sit around for the rest of his life and feel grief about what might have been?

There's no "fair" or "right" solution when both parties differ on where they stand, and again, this is not about my decision to manipulate him or ruin his life.

Anna, this is one of the more difficult questions out there, and you've illustrated effectively why. I don't believe for a moment you would intentionally get pregnant; there are women out there as fertile as you even with precautions. Accidents do happen.

It's easy for third parties (myself not exempt) to look back and say "oh, decision A [or decision B] is better for everyone".

I believe that if you carry a healthy pregnancy to term that both parties who took place in the child's conception are equally responsible for the child's well-being once the child is born. To think otherwise is to deprive the child of resources. I don't believe it would be "right" or "noble" of you to absolve the child's bio-dad of parental responsibility. If you're going to keep the child, then you should ensure that the child has access to all benefits available, as should his or her father. This does not deprive you of the ability to make the decision in your best interest (first) and the child's best interest (immediately after first).

 

[feelgoodhit]

there's this one person I REALLY hope chimes into this thread, but I haven't seen him online in a little bit...

I don't have experience to share, but wish you the best!

 

[youandi]

Hi I'm a dad to two boys aged 3 1/2 and 2.

My girlfriend was told told by a doctor that she probably couldn't have children due to medical problems so we never really planned on what kind of parents we would be.

Surprise! a baby boy born on my 26th birthday i was terrified to hold him. Exactly one year later she was pregnant with my second boy to every doctors surprise.

Well it seems like it would be a hard job but it is easy. The fear of what might be is the scariest part of fatherhood.

I was scared about the first child SIDS and everything i could think that could go wrong. The second child was cream on a pie. No fear no problem.

Take one day at a time and get comfortable with it because it is great being a father. You will never feel pride like when your child does something great or something that you taught them.

It is a new chapter in your life that you need to take control of and give up your fears because if anything is worth it, this is. Your child is a representation of you.

 

[zephyr]

It seems you've already made up your mind.

Just don't sue him for child support or something if he doesn't want to have it in the first place, that would be really unfair. I say if you want to do it, do it 100% on your own. I don't think it's fair that women get an "opt out" choice and men are just stuck with whatever the women choose. Men should get to opt out too if they want, thats just my opinion.

Reading this thread scares me. Unplanned pregnancy scary! AHhh! *hides*

It would be unfair for the child to not have some support from the dad in terms of finances.


Forget about manipulation etc etc.

He was aware, no doubt, of the fertility God favouring you Anna, and could have insisted on condoms.

Quite frankly, both partners are equally as responsible IMO, for any pregnancy, and having had to have an abortion already, I would have thought the guy would be totally into using condoms, even bloody having a vasectomy if he felt that strongly.

I have pretty much zero sympathy for him, and hes the one thats probably going to miss out the most if he does not build a relationship with this child.

Kids know when their dad/ mum who is not the primary carer does not financially contribute, and its taken as a sign they just don't care- kids are not kids forever.

Stuff him, anna!.

You got more important things to think about that are positive and maybe you should do something to celebrate

 

[anna!]

Thanks Liz

We spoke at length about it last night, and his stance is 100% "I don't want to contribute to the human race because it's fucked and I hate it". He doesn't want to live life thinking that he's contributed to a bollocks society.

I don't think that's a good enough reason for me My kids are what is good in the world, not bad. The kind of happiness they bring is what makes the other bullshit bearable.

 

[Modulus]

Sounds like disaster in the making to be honest.

Just my opinion.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

He was aware, no doubt, of the fertility God favouring you Anna, and could have insisted on condoms.

Oops! I'm sorry, for some reason I thought she had said they had used condoms and this was one of those freak accident type things. That changes my perspective a bit then... hmmm...

 

[anna!]

Sounds like disaster in the making to be honest.

Just my opinion.

Yep.

Oops! I'm sorry, for some reason I thought she had said they had used condoms and this was one of those freak accident type things. That changes my perspective a bit then... hmmm...

I'd been on other birth control since my (very early) miscarriage several months beforehand.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

Ah. I thought you meant condoms as well when you said BC.

This is a tough situation Anna. Damn, I wish I had better advice for you. I know what it's like to be in such a screwed up position.

I think this is one of those situations where you just have to sort of go with your gut no matter what.

If someone asked you right now, and you had to answer without taking even a nanosecond to think: Do you want to keep the baby?

*donthinkjustanswer*

What was your immediate response?