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Blers who are parents of adult children?

ugly

ugly

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
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I searched but did not find anything like this; I suppose because there are not a lot of us.

My youngest child is 26. She spent the last two years with a boyfriend who does not believe in marijuana at all. She eventually cut me out of her life, blocked me from her FB, etc.

He dumped her a few days ago for a new girl. My daughter came home heartbroken, wanting me to "mommy" her I guess.

I wasn't feeling it. She let him convince her that I was a horrible person because I smoked weed. She moved out with him and I've barely seen her. When I have seen her it has been strained.

Do those of you with adult kids have them passing judgements on you?

I didn't respond to her broken heart. I didn't respond to her at all... I feel a lot of anger. My other three adult children are now giving me their opinions about how I'm being a bitch.

I am staying with my sister for a few days to get away from the whole family. My daughter who is pregnant is unhappy about the whole thing and they are moving out, so I won't get to have my new baby grandson come home to my house after he is born, even though they just finished the nursery, because antipot daughter needs her room back.

Pregnant daughter and her husband and I have all been getting along great up until now, smoking together until recently because my pregnant daughter doesn't want her son to be born with thc in his system. Oldest son and his wife have been enjoying cannabis edibles lately. I can't even get high because of drug testing. Antipot daughter got dumped, and I'm stuck on the fact that she's treated me like shit this last year.

I feel like a bad mom for not comforting her when she asked me to comfort her. I said "Welcome to the real world, where people that you shit on over and over eventually don't really care about you anymore."

I'm a horrible person, right? I know. I did and said what was in my heart though.

Has anyone else had antidrug adult kids move out because your weed smoke was evil only to have them come home crying a year or some time later when antidrug lover dumps them for someone else?

I know how I feel. I'm still hurt and I'm still pissed and I don't like the way she let this dude convince her I was just the WORST because of the weed and how I share the enjoyment of cannabis with my other kids. I don't like the way my other kids don't understand why I'm not just over it instantly. I feel bad for feeling the way I do but I'm not happy she's home. All of a sudden its like a tornado hit... other kids and dad rallied around her... and I didn't.
How should I act?
How do I change the way I feel? Yes we tried talking... it went really bad. That's why I'm at my sisters, and my kids and my husband are at my house, all mad at me.

I don't have a job yet so I'm stuck. I have to go home sometime. I'm pretty confused. Is anyone here relating to this at all?
 
I don't know what you're going through (I'm 22 with no kids), but I'm sorry your youngest daughter put you through that. You have a right to feel angry. I think you'll make things worse if you try to deny your feelings. I don't know what to tell you other than try to work through your feelings.
 
Thank you tude.

I appreciate your thoughtful input.

I'm just kinda....







lost
 
You were a bit ambiguous when you mentioned your pregnant daughter smoking and the child not being born with THC in it's system, does this mean she stopped smoking when she became cognizant of her being pregnant or she stopped smoking close to the due date?
 
DeathDomokun said:
You were a bit ambiguous when you mentioned your pregnant daughter smoking and the child not being born with THC in it's system, does this mean she stopped smoking when she became cognizant of her being pregnant or she stopped smoking close to the due date?
Click to expand...


She used weed to help her during the first month or two... throwing up became her middle name for awhile. After that passed she stopped, so that their new baby wouldn't be high... what if he doesn't like weed? They will keep it away from him and then whenever teenagers start wanting to know about stuff like weed I guess my daughter and her husband will have to decide what to do. But that will be for the kid to decide when he gets old enough to decide. She definitely doesn't want to get her baby high, ever.
 
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Just remember that she is young, and impressionable.

Children often rebel to differentiate themselves from their parents and find their own way; perhaps her rejecting weed was a way for her to figure things out for herself. Unfortunately she fell in love with an asshole who sabotaged her relationship with her mother. He sounds controlling, and she sounds like she was manipulated into doing/thinking what he wanted. Now he's hurt her and hopefully she can see she's made a mistake.

Children reject their parents and treat them badly at points. It sucks but it's temporary; her way of showing this is to "come back" to you. Perhaps she doesn't yet have the emotional maturity to apologise, but this isn't to say you can't have this conversation a year, 5 years or maybe even 10 years down the line. It's ok to make it clear to her that her behaviour wasn't acceptable and that while your love is unconditional you are not an emotional punchbag.

But then you need to let go. No matter how much she's hurt you she's the child and you're the mother. You need to be the grown up and be able to understand this is more to do about her finding out who she is than about being horrible to you. I was a total bitch to my parents for years and I can't even begin to describe how important their forgiveness and understanding has been. Now we are closer than nearly every family I know, even thought they live in a different country.

Try to find the place within yourself where you can see she was going through a shitty phase and was being immature. I'm sure we've all been there xxx
 
Bless your soul, lola.

That was a damn good post and I needed a bit of coaching.

Your logic cut through my attitude. I see what you mean.

You are totally right.<3
 
I think she is young you know, she kind of needs to live her life and figure out the rights and wrongs on her own. Even if at times it is wrong she'll end up finding out ( like now i suppose )
I my self left home at 18 and now a year and a half later don't speak to my mum my fiance convinced me she was a horrible person and drug addict. She "was" a drug addict to cocaine so it was true and most of my life I had to see her do it until I was 16 or 17 but even when she stopped i was convinced she was a cunt and like the fiance said " once a addict always a addict" i some what believed it...
I'm young and naive and I think that love made me believe anything just to keep that " love " in my life... your daughter could have been like that. Not sure if i make sence haha but yeah I think since she is still young and she found a " lover " she wanted to keep that so it made her a little blind you know... to the point where she just saw a stoner not a mother.
You need to just accept her back into your life and support her. I would kill to have my mum back into my life.
 
Thank you kitten...

thanks for helping me see things a little bit from my daughter's point of view....

I appreciate you taking the time to read my post. I know it's too long. So thank you kindly for your thoughts.
 
lola said:
But then you need to let go. No matter how much she's hurt you she's the child and you're the mother. You need to be the grown up and be able to understand this is more to do about her finding out who she is than about being horrible to you.
Click to expand...

That's the truth.
 
i dont have kids and i dont have an advice for you. but i want to say i can understand your feelings and i think its ok to feel the way you do. by the way, your post isnt too long. its absolutely ok the way it is. if someone doesnt want to read it, he´ll just not read it.

also i think lola is right.

give yourself (and your daughter) time. you´re family, and will still be in days/weeks/months/years.


best wishes!
 
Hot damn, a mod nod from stim...
It's not my birthday or Christmas! You definitely know how to lift my spirits, stim. I have found rest for the now, and the now is what is important. I'm staying at my sisters watching her pets and she and her fam are going out of town for the weekend. I have her house and her pool and her smoke all to myself.

At the moment this is being typed, I'm sitting on the deck, dry but the bathingsuit is still wet. I don't need a single thing. It's nice to find that peace inside me again.

Thank you.

Nothing is "solved" but at this moment in time, everything is good. <3
 
Shouldn't you just like, apologize? Then in verbatim describe this thread? Sounds like she was being spiteful and then you were being spiteful. Seems pretty repetitive.
 
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Does it? That's a fresh take. I hadn't noticed but yea, I think we have some spite there, maybe a power issue?

Thanks Shrooms. I need to think on that.
 
@stim
mod nod is a phrase I sort of coined to express the different kinds of interactions we as members have with mods and crew. We have most of us experienced the mod paddle, ate mod harsh, go t mod flogged.

There's an occasional tension from these member/admin exchanges being seen as often negative. I felt like I got mod flogged once just out of pettyness.

A mod nod is the exact opposite of a mod flog, and it can contribute as much positive energy to my wellbeing as a to match in capacity the negative energy perceived contributes to my malaise. .
 
xD

im not even a mod anymore (and havent been for a long time, nor a particularly good one, i think). and mods are only humans, too, just like the rest of the great people here on the board.

but nonetheless its cool to read that!
 
Hi ugly. I'm a few years older than your daughter and I think I can relate to her. She's only in her twenties, and was madly in love with this controlling jerk (her first serious BF, from what I understand) who manipulated her into thinking you were a terrible person. She will probably learn a lot from this bad experience, like how to recognize controlling/abusive people, how to defend herself against manipulation, etc... It's a learning process. She might even become more self-confident when she realises that jerks like him don't deserve her.

My point is this experience will make her a better person, but for that to happen, she needs all the support she can get from her friends and family... I was a troubled teen and I resented my parents for X reasons (all of those reasons seem ridiculous to me now that I've matured). But without my parents' unconditional love and support, without them picking me up at the police station, without their shoulder to cry on, things would probably never have gotten better. I can't even imagine how things would have turned out if my mother had decided to erase me from her life while I was going through the worst period of my life. I learned a lot from this experience and I'll be forever grateful to my parents for their patience and forgiveness.

So I think that even if her attitude towards you has been questionable, as her mother, you should suck it up and move on. She made a mistake, but it's an easily forgivable one, and your relationship with her can only get better if she learns from this bad experience. She hurt your feelings while she was under the influence of someone who's not even in the picture anymore, and on top of that, this situation lasted only one year... which is a microscopic, meaningless amount of time in the grand scheme of things, when you think about it.
 
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I think that since you are allowing your grownup daughter to live in your home again, then that is more than enough support. My heart has been broken more than a few times, and I always called my mom for some support, but then I NEVER cut her out of my life for perceived wrongdoings. I have NEVER moved back home, nor have any desire to. One of my brothers has cut my mom out of his life out of anger, and for exceedingly minor shit that occurred when we were teenagers. I can't imagine her letting him back into her home with open arms without expressing her hurt and anger, especially since it has been years of estrangement at this point. She is far from perfect, and has a lot of mental and health issues but she is still our mother.

You are perfectly justified to still have anger towards your daughter, especially if you haven't been able to resolve it. Broken hearts pass, and hopefully your anger towards her will eventually pass. And I really hope she stops blindly believing anti-pot propaganda. Weed is one of the most benign things that you could be doing in the grand range of things.
 
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