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BL/TDS Self-Harm Support: Thread 4

everything, just seems to be getting worse and worse. i know cuttting isnt very productive and doesnt realy do any good. but nothing else does either. the only thing i seem to be doing right is my diet. the only problem is even thoughim not going up im stuck at this wieght were i cant go anywhere. I feel so pathetic getting so worked up over a number. it just little things like that seem to push me over the edge back into cutting, or drinking which i realy shouldnt do with my hep
 
Don't let a number or some other metric be an objective unto it self! It's a common trap, but often counter productive, you are better off to set your objective as a functional one (that is, in more general terms of what you actually want, in this case, I'm assuming a certain aesthetic? Then the goal should not be to weight some X amount, but to achieve that aesthetic, irrespective of that number) Yes, if you have a hepatitis infection, you really need to avoid drinking.

You say nothing else does any good? But it is not just about doing good, it's about avoiding making things worse. Cutting harms you, it makes things worse.

Feel free to P.M. me if you want someone to rant at in private btw.
 
Well in a fit of rage I just broke a large amount of my stuff. Including two toes (pretty sure they are anyway from past broken ones) and a finger.

Fuck. Ing. Over. It.
 
Won't do anything tonight because they are just thoughts. I can separate thought from action today. This is all new so the default response is to hurt myself. That simply won't stand. I do things differently today. Old behaviors no longer apply

Melatonin will help me get through to another day. If the thoughts persist, I'll just jog until I collapse. This is much better than the alternatives.

This shit ALWAYS passes, no need to think that it won't this time as well.

Bottom line is that I cannot trust the shit that goes through my head
 
OD I know you're having a rough time today but I have full confidence in you that you can get through this. Do whatever it takes, you know a lot of methods to work through these negatives thoughts/emotions. Like you said, it will definitely pass. Please PM me if you want to chat okay? Much love and strength to you today <3
 
ah, OD, those defaults get us every time, eh? You are doing/saying all the right things to remember how to change them but it just takes time.<3
 
^you guys rock
I'll snap out of it. Gonna hit the gym and let it pass
Love you guys!
 
^^ Love ya mate, hope you're feeling much much better right now. Endorphins FTW!! :D
 
I'm currently heavily under the influence of a mixture of opiates (Heroin), benzos (Xanax and Klonopin) and marijuana as well as diphenhydramine (Benadryl). I have a razor blade and straw next to me as I only insufflate my drugs. I used to cut myself quite a bit when I was 16-20. The urges to cut subsided once my living situation changed.

Now, fast forward 5 years, all of a sudden, I have the urge to cut myself. Possibly to see if I can still do it. If I have "the balls" to do it, as stupid as it sounds. I don't know. But right now I keep getting higher and higher in order to squash the urge I have to slice up my arms with a razor blade... but, the caveat is, as you can tell, the higher I get, the less I care about what the consequences of what I am doing are and the more likely I am to go through with cutting myself. I am currently trying to convince myself to start drinking whiskey in order to further inhibit my more rational mind and have the one that wants to harm me win.

Right now, it feels as though I am occupied mentally by two entities who are the polar opposite of one another. The cliched angel/devil on my shoulder. Except, it feels much more internal. There would be no external representation of how I feel at the moment. Perhaps id is playing tug of war with ego? Anyway, I won't be happy if I wake up with a sliced up arm (nor will my girlfriend or brother) but right now I am trying to focus on *myself* and why I shouldn't do harmful things to myself because I don't deserve it as a person rather than what makes other people happy. Sometimes I am also afraid of myself and what I will do... like I have to toe the line with the "devil" part of me because it will beat the shit out of the "angel"...

So basically I decided to post in this thread and get my feelings out before they become actions...

Does any of that make sense? I apologize if this is in the wrong thread or triggering to anyone.
 
Good call on posting as a way to stop yourself from cutting.It makes perfect sense. From what I know about your life you are struggling with major traumas. There is no doubt a world of pain inside you, not to mention the stress of caring for your brother. It sounds to me that you are overwhelmed. When you say that it is all internal and there is no internal expression of this feeling of the warring parts of yourself, I immediately think: the cuts would be external evidence of the struggle. Maybe you need to find a way to bring that struggle to the surface, to let it show, to admit how torn up you are inside and how exhausted, without harming yourself physically. <3
 
herbavore said:
Good call on posting as a way to stop yourself from cutting.It makes perfect sense. From what I know about your life you are struggling with major traumas. There is no doubt a world of pain inside you, not to mention the stress of caring for your brother. It sounds to me that you are overwhelmed. When you say that it is all internal and there is no internal expression of this feeling of the warring parts of yourself, I immediately think: the cuts would be external evidence of the struggle. Maybe you need to find a way to bring that struggle to the surface, to let it show, to admit how torn up you are inside and how exhausted, without harming yourself physically. <3
Click to expand...

Thank you, herbavore. What you said makes complete sense as to how I was feeling that night... It's amazing how you can make sense of the senseless! I mean that in a good way of course. I slipped up and did cut myself but they were superficial and probably a cry for help. I don't show my struggles on the outside to many people in my life and indeed self-inflicted wounds are a good, albeit dysfunctional, way of showing that pain. I hope to work on it without masking it with drugs but it doesn't seem to ever go the way I planned. I do indeed remember your kind words in response to the blog I wrote about my mom. It's such a weird, warped mirror-type issue, a mother dealing with the traumatic loss of a son and a daughter dealing with the traumatic loss of a mother... It almost blows the mind. I am so sorry for the traumas you experienced as well but it's amazing how positively you've handled them and also take on the burdens of others. Much gratitude and love to you.
 
Another update from me, two months on.

So I ended up leaving the guy I was seeing as he turned out to be a little bit of a douchebag, and it left me feeling down and empty. I started seeing a nice English boy and things there have been going well. I did slip up recently as I was intoxicated and having the worst week, so of course it was the best idea, right?

I think before that I had been holding off the self harm by getting inked instead as it's something beautiful that will always be there, rather than an ugly cut that makes me want to hide away from the world. I've been having some rather dark thoughts recently, due to my separation anxiety - the bf and I have been apart maybe 4 nights in the last month now, so I've just been feeling lost. In fact, when he goes to university during the day if we spent the night together I get down and sleep all day. We're going to cut down how often we see each other for now so I can get back to where I was a month ago, as I don't want him to feel like it's his fault that I am depressed and hurting myself.

Other than that, everything is going really well for me, I've been offered a position working with my old store manager at a different location closer to my house doing the same thing as before and working up to management under his supervision. Worth a shot I reckon :)


I hope everyone else is doing well, remember, even from darkness beauty can come :D
 
billyswifey, so good to hear that things are going well! :) I think it is great that you are trying to get a handle on your separation anxiety. You sound so much stronger. I am really happy for you (and proud of you, too! It's not easy.).<3
 
Having a bad bad time, my responsibility has gone, Im feeling all sorts of shit...Given the last few months im sitting here benxod out and drunk. Im in mental pain and feeling the urge to run my knife into the muscle that ive been working so hard on to get bigger and better. WTF is my problem... I was gonna go for a walk but now im sat here, Thinkinof relief from mental shit thru physical harm. My head should be in the right place. But when whe goes and ive no other company. i feel nothing but fear and loss. I'm over trying to make like shits ok... coz its not:|
 
S.M.F.G. so sorry to hear that things are so bad right now. Resist the temptation to cut yourself. You are a good person, a good father. You have it hard and there is lots of pain inside you but you can find a way to make it through these moments. It takes working those muscles just like when you work out. You can get stronger. Hang on, the intensity will pass and when it does try to mark that time in your mind. Sometimes we mark the return of pain and see it as constant but we need to mark the time when it passes as well because there are those times, too. Stay strong, my friend.<3
 
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