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BL/TDS Self-Harm Support: Thread 4

^ Exactly splat, and today certainly was a success by the sounds of it. Don't underestimate what a success it can be to some of us sometimes, making it through a day alive and unscathed. Celebrating these successes is important! Much <3
 
Effie is right splat. The urge is still choking me, yesterday it was that bad i ended up modifying my teeshirt by slashing it up and cutting some cool stuff into it so i now have an extremely revealing teeshirt that i can also wear off the shoulders. Better than slashing the fuck out of my arm and leg. So i am thinking i may make some new clothes tonight ( under supervision, not allowed my stanely knife or scissors, razor etc alone)

Pm me splat if you ever want to chat. Thanks for the kind words n3o <3
 
Doomed2pain said:
Effie is right splat. The urge is still choking me, yesterday it was that bad i ended up modifying my teeshirt by slashing it up and cutting some cool stuff into it so i now have an extremely revealing teeshirt that i can also wear off the shoulders. Better than slashing the fuck out of my arm and leg. So i am thinking i may make some new clothes tonight ( under supervision, not allowed my stanely knife or scissors, razor etc alone)

Pm me splat if you ever want to chat. Thanks for the kind words n3o <3
Click to expand...

That is a great idea! When you feel the urge to cut yourself, cut something else, cut some clothing up, maybe you'll set a new style and do something creative and productive. As opposed to something harmful.
 
That was my thoughts, my new top is cool and i am going to go to work on some jeans today and try and do some photography to get some artwork done. Mania brings uber creativity, just need to keep in mania and not psychosis lol.
 
Is it self harm if it was kind of nessecary, but still bloody and painful.

Basically, I had a lesion caused by an embedded piece of glass, was getting infected. So I grabbed a razor blade, a liter of rubbing alcohol, some betadine, sterile thread/needle, dressings and a hemostat, hacked down to the glass with the blade, grabbed er in the hemostat, yanked it out. (While pouring rubbing alcohol all over it... MY GOD THAT HURT) and sutured it shut. Soaked a dressing in betadine and dressed it.

Thing is, I've been trained to do it more properly and less painfully then I did. Self harm, or lazy self preformed, 3rd world quality surgery?
 
id say self harm due to stress at work hun.

when i smashed my hand up it was necessary to make blackout during too much pain but i also got an adrenal endorphine producing bodily response, got snuggles off my man and loads of kisses and hair stroking/massage in the candle lightwhich just wipedvme out til id got my weekly meds (no controlled drugs in when my script was due and only weekly pick up due to history of od and suicide, 3 failed potentially lethal amounts and just sleeping for 20 hours waking refreshed.

sorry for rambling. high and felt spiritually atuned to ren while having a snuggle/spoon/make out session. it was like our souls atomically connected and swapped pieces. so hard to describe. i feel fully imersed into his heart. mind. soul. emotions. i feel like he is giving off love and healing waves through our bodies touching. weird to explain but my darkness if lifting. i wrote a beautiful love song/acoustic metal/jazzy throaty and powerful vocals. i feel amazingly focused thanks to medicinally presribed ritalin to help me focus on my counselling. also got a huge announcement to say <3
 
But it seriously needed to be debrided, closed and dressed. The fact I did a half assed job of it. (Not total half assed, I closed the dermal layer neatly so it don't scar) doesn't mean it was self harm. It was indeed a piece of glass stuck in me from an accident that was infected. Needed to be dealt with. The pain is mostly gone...but if I went to hosp, I'd still be waiting. Was not something I enjoyed doing, or wish to repeat again.
 
What is tonight splat? I am having friends over and i am excited as im making myself look gorgeous muwhahaha. Well wearing a dress, pretty hair and make up, documenting it with photos as i am doing a portrait of my friend and her new fella. Well hyper and happy today. No sleep but feeling pretty good and HUNGRY. So i intend to eat biscuits and tea until ren comes home with ingredients for a full irish pudding. Nom noms <3 then pamper myself all day to be all pwetty at the party.

Rangrz it is only self harm if you get some form of emotion after you do it, while you are doing it etc. that is what i meant it just came out all messed up coz i am really hyper haha
 
Rangrz: Hun, that infected wound was sepsis waiting to happen, you treated it for medical reasons, not emotional release. Not self harm.

To add; you did a pretty good job for working with only your weak hand on your self without anesthesia too! <3
 
I've been spending tonight just trying to distract myself, staying out of my room, away from my knife. Life blows, I hate being so emotional, I hate caring about people so much and being nothing to them, or being taken away from others. Everything I care about in life is so far away from me. Its like I'm not allowed to be happy. I should get used to a life of being alone.
 
I felt like that too, like what I wanted in life was so far away. But I chased it and chased it and chased it some more. Then, I found I had it. Usually, if it's easy, it's not worth fucking about anyways.

I care for people, and sometimes they insult me, or even assault me. I just keep it clear, THEY did the wrong. I am still doing good, even if they are doing bad. Just another viewpoint for your consideration.
 
I have been reading into the science and neurology behind depression/suicide/suicidal tendencies. Its becoming increasingly clear to me that in the end it doesn't matter who you are, or where you are, or what you're doing but if you have the gene then you have an immensely higher risk at these behaviours. Looking into my family history there is a common thread of alcoholism, depression, and suicide. I know my levels of serotonin are irregular, with my regular migraines, sudden changes in mood, erratic appetite and strong 'gut feelings' so to speak....

Now if only I could find a way to fix this....im tired of collecting scars. But I maybe its just how I am and how I'll always be.
 
For me collecting scars began and ended mysteriously. looking back I see it this way: it began because I was in unbearable pain and had no tools for dealing with that pain. It ended when I got enough tools to change my perceptions of myself and everything around me. That didn't happen overnight. Do the best you can to distract yourself from the actual urges and be good to yourself while you are finding your balance--it will come.<3
 
Well, think I might cut myself tonight here in a few hours. Gonna go on a walk first, but then I might just slash away for a little bit. I don't give a fuck any more. I wish I had money for some strong opioid. I'd kill to get high as shit. Honestly I wish I could get another blood clot or have another bad case of colitis. Anything to fucking kill me. I'm tired of it all, so fucking tired of it all. I hate myself, and hate everyone.
 
I did and nothing much came from it. Need to sharpen my knife, maybe then I might feel something. Ugh, Still nothing changed no matter what anyway. Just fucking hate living.

I wish real bad that either i had a friend here to hang out with me, or the women I love to call me to atleast talk for 5 minutes.


think I might sleep for an hour and get up, run, and eat some clonazepam
 
Splat, you are in a terrible crisis. You have been dealing with so much and now your GF's refusal to talk to you is sapping the last bit of strength you had. You need help from somewhere. This is too much to bear alone. Have you and your new counselor talked about cutting?
 
i finaly broke down and cut again, after along break. sometimes i wish id just hit a vein
 
Glitter_kiss. I've seen a few people die of hypovolemia, it really looks like no fun, you probably are MUCH better off that you did not hit a major vein or artery.

Now, if you care to tell, why did you break down and cut? Maybe someone here (maybe even rangrz!...sometimes I'm not a total retard, I promise!) might have some ideas on how to handle the problem more productively?
 
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